Have you heard of Amy Adams? No? She’s an actress. Or something. We assume so because she’s just be handed the role of Lois Lane in the latest Superman film. That’s for definite. The producers have confirmed it and everything.

Director Zack Snyder says that this three-time Oscar nominee (best foley artist? *shrug) has “the talent to capture all of the qualities we love about Lois: smart, tough, funny, warm, ambitious and, of course, beautiful”.

And raven haired! Wait! Uh. Looks like Snyder will have to buy a wig or some Garnier Nutrisse or whatever it is girls poison their hair with.

So, blockbusting Adams will star alongside Britain’s Henry Cavill (WHO HE?)  in the Superman film that doesn’t have a name yet.

In fact, all we know about this movie is that it will be released in December 2012, by which time, everyone may have stopped caring about comic book adaptations and be really into war films or something.

No-one actually cares though, right? The cinema is the most joyless experience in history. It’s more drudgery than washing pots.

Diane Lane and Kevin Costner have also landed roles in Snyder’s film, which will see Superman flying around and doing all manner of super stuff and, probably, it’ll have a darker edge to it because the blueprint for superhero films are the Batman ones.

Unless you like the new Green Hornet film, which means someone should drag you out of your bed in the dead of night and euthanise you with a bolt gun.

But Superman! Yay! Or whatever.

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Zack Snyder, the bloke who directed 300 and gave cinemas a swaying CGI penis in Watchmen, is going to direct the new Superman movie. The film is due out next year and will be written by Christopher Nolan, the director of the Dark Knight movie.

That’s all rather exciting isn’t it? It’ll be nice to have a Superman film which isn’t all glossy and hokey. We’d like to see Superman going really, really dark and depressing.

It’s believed that Snyder landed the gig ahead of other people with names, notably, Darren Aronofsky, Ben Affleck, Matt Reeves and Tony Scott. If this new Superman film is anything Dark Knight, then we should be in for a treat.

Apparently, the script is similar to ‘Superman Returns’ with nods to Richard Donner’s Superman films which were released more than 30 years ago.

But who will be the villain of the piece?

Well, the new movie will feature General Zod, who was previously played by Terence Stamp in 1978 and 1980. General Zod is a really, really rubbish name though, isn’t it?

There’s no word on who will play Zod as yet, but it’s going to have be one charismatic swine if they’re going to pull it off. Hecklerspray puts forward Zachary Quinto who did a fine turn in the ultimately disappointing Heroes. He can do evil-bastard very well indeed and, importantly, can grow a decent beard.

Warner Brothers, who are bankrolling the movie, are keen to get this out quickly as there’s a chance they could lose certain copyrights to Joe Shuster and Jerry Seigel, the heirs of creators.

It’s been reported that they are still involved in a legal row, but details are scarce.

Snyder is looking forward to tackling the new Superman film:

“I had always been a huge fan of the character, but this is out of the blue,”

“I definitely expressed my love for the character and interest in seeing him treated right. The character deserves to be loved. It’s his time.”

“I think the first (Superman) movies were so well done, he kind of got stuck. I think our challenge is to bring him to a modern audience that’s still respectful of the character.”

300 was something of a surprise hit and Watchmen put a lot of bums on seats. Snyder has his work cut out with this one though. Despite grossing $200 million+, the last Superman film was something of a let-down.

And, of course, this being a comic-book adaptation, there’s going to be nerds out there going through each morsel of news with a fine tooth comb, agonising over each rumoured cast-call.

More news when we get it.

And swinging CGI penises. Mustn’t forget that.

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When Watchmen is released next month, it’ll be like Christmas come early for about 17 or so lonely spods.

But after Christmas always comes Boxing Day. That’s the day when you’re forced to eat leftovers and play with the toys you’re already bored with. And for Watchmen fans, Boxing Day might just come in the form of Watchmen 2 – the Watchmen sequel that’s been made up exclusively out the mind of a Hollywood executive who hasn’t read the comic books or seen the film and thinks the whole thing is about a band of part-clock mutants.

Or not, according to Zack Synder.

When a film becomes successful, people inevitably start clamouring for a sequel. It’s why everyone is talking about Batman 3, it’s why Million Dollar Baby: Zombie Boxer was released direct to DVD last year and it’s why Brad Pitt‘s next movie will be The Curious Case Of Benjamin Button 2, which is all about Brad Pitt mistakenly trying to army-crawl up his daddy’s urinary meatus.

But mention a Watchmen sequel to anyone and you’ll most likely end up getting smacked in the face. The idea of a Watchmen 2 is unthinkable for three main reasons:

1 - Watchmen is a self-contained story with an ending, and any sequel would be made without the cooperation of Alan Moore, making it – if you’re a geek – borderline sacrilegious.

2 - Given the endless petty squabbling about who actually owns the Watchmen movie, Watchmen 2 wouldn’t be released until about a fortnight after the sun expands and swallows Earth up forever.

3 - Sequels are generally only made when a film becomes successful and, since Watchmen will probably only be watched by a small handful of comicbook obsessives who will immediately hate it from the moment it begins, that’s probably not going to happen.

But, hey, that apparently hasn’t stopped some of the bigwigs at Warner Bros trying to scheme up ideas for Watchmen 2. Which admittedly isn’t difficult, because there’s just so much you can do with a naked blue determinist god-figure, isn’t there? Like, maybe he could open a bakery with hilarious consequences or something.

Anyway, Watchmen director Zack Snyder has his own ideas about Watchmen 2 storylines, but they’re all deliberately rubbish to scare Warner Bros off. At least we hope they’re deliberate; JoBlo reports:

“I was going to make a thing called Planet Rorschach. So you see this planet, and it’s covered with New York City. It’s like a planet of New York City. There’s no suburbs. There’s one giant Empire State Building, like Mount Olympus, in the middle of it. And hovering above the needle is Manhattan, blue, glowing. But the planet’s going, “Hurm, hurm, hurm, hurm, hurm, hurm.” You can’t tell, it’s this big, deafening, “Hurm.” And as you get close, you go down into the city and the whole world is populated with Rorschachs. And they’re all bumping into each other, going, “Hurm, hurm, no compromise, hurm, hurm, Armageddon.” That’s basically it.”

Actually, we were leading you on a little there – Synder’s Watchmen 2 idea was a deliberately terrible one, and he seems certain that neither he nor any of the Watchmen cast would ever take part in a sequel.

And that’s noble and everything, but he’s obviously forgetting Hollywood’s flair for dividing and conquering – give it enough time for the roles to start drying up and we can guarantee that Malin Akerman will crumble and agree to star in Watchmen 2: Silk Spectre’s Festive Funcation. Just don’t come running to us when it happens.

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Everybody seems to be getting in on the comic book-to-movie adaptation thing, with easily one of the most anticipated being that of Watchmen.

While normally this would be greeted with trepidation and a slight amount of fear, the sheer quality of the source material, combined with the fact that the film is supposed to actually be, y’know – good – has people sweating around the groin, awaiting next year’s release.

That is, unless Fox have their way and ban the film from ever coming out.

Oh, we’re not kidding here – that’s what they’re trying to do in the latest of legal battles that shows just how the company is actually forged from Satan’s testicles themselves. There’s evil, then there’s Fox evil.

This is the company that cancelled Family Guy in its prime – though they did bring it back, they actually ended up becoming more evil by letting the damn thing continue, seeing as it’s turned into utter tripe in recent years. Then there was the cancellation of Firefly, but we won’t go into that – it’s still too painful. They cancel, they block, they ruin and they devour, and they never seem to stop.

Next on their list is Zack Snyder, director of 300, and his adaptation of Watchmen, the classic 80s comic series that ranks amongst the finest books ever written. Apparently. With some nice spoof adverts.

The film is bankrolled and due for release through Warner Bros early next year, but some convoluted and complicated legal wrangling has revealed that Fox are claiming that they own the rights to a film release of the property.

While this came about in February of this year, well before Watchmen fever had truly got a hold of the internets, it has been decided recently by a judge that Warner Bros could not have the case thrown out of court as they had asked.

What this means is that Fox are free to pursue their copyright infringement case against Warner Bros, and are looking to get back either damages for the trouble – sure to be a few quid at the very least – or, in a worst case scenario, ban the movie from being released indefinitely.

And it looks like Fox‘s band of lawyers, built as we all know from pure evil, are looking to force a worst case scenario – pushing to kill the project altogether rather than take some of its potentially huge box office. A statement released by Fox read:

“Warner Bros.’ production and anticipated release of ‘The Watchmen’ motion picture violates 20th Century Fox’s long-standing motion picture rights in ‘The Watchmen’ property.”

Which is pretty standard stuff until you realise they seemingly don’t even care enough to get the name of the comic right in the first place. So if they don’t even care about that, do they care about you, the fans – the public? Do they bollocks. It’s idiots in suits playing at running the world again, and it’s getting to be a bit annoying now.

But hey, at least Fox can clear the way for their own films to come out next year, and there’ll be no risk of them being compared side-by-side with Watchmen. That could be viewed as a good point. If you were mental.

The case is far from settled, though Fox are pushing for it to be fast-tracked through the courts. Probably so they can get back to stealing candy from orphanages, or burning down babies or something.

Today’s vitriolic rant brought to you by hunger pains and a lack of coffee. We will resume normal service shortly.