Grown Up Gossip & Internet Villainy
Sarah Silverman is definitely onto something with her description of the “Perfect Night” in her new music video spoof. Alternating between video vixen-sexpot and her characteristic quirky-dorky, Sarah claims that her?perfect night would be to:
“Stay at home, order in, watch a movie, then masturbate.”
It’s hard to argue with that. And when she adds in bong hits and dental floss, you realize you found your soulmate.
Before YouTube, embarrassing yourself in public required effort. Thanks to the glory of a site built around cat videos and the T-Mobile commercials that precede them, anyone can be told that, because of the way that gravity forced them awkwardly into a pool, that their mother is gay and probably sleeping with the commenter.
This system is best applied to the way people fall and the way people decide to express what their favorite song is. The seven entries in this list apply to the latter of these.
These are seven people whose love for a certain artist couldn't save them. Prepare for the purest form of human shame.
Well, the moment finally happened. Just as I could only pretend to like my ex-girlfriend’s mum’s cooking for so long before gagging, so Justin Bieber has finally caved in and his body has involuntarily shown that actually, he is aware that he is melting our minds with vacuous, shitty pop.
It all happened in Glendale, AZ, which I’m almost certain was mentioned in the Bible as the site of the first step towards redemption for humanity. Bieber was performing the usual shit to his fans when suddenly he realised “I can’t go on with this lie anymore. I’ve been hiding my sickness at what I do for so long, but now i’m worn down from living the lie.”
Is it possible that there’s a direct correlation between Readers’ Letters going into hibernation for a couple of weeks and you lot losing your minds?
It certainly seems that way to us. This week has been a bumper Christmas annual of bad form and spirit crushing idiocy and we have you to thank for it. Yes, you the reader. You’re scum and we love it.
Gird your loins, it’s time for a trawl through the foetid hecklerspray post bag.
Matthew Broderick is a man with a surprisingly unremarkable film career.
We don’t mean he doesn’t make money- we’re sure he’s super-successful if judged by wealth. However, before you continue reading, grab a pad of paper and a pen. If, like us, you get hand-cramp from even writing your own name, then just open up a word document instead.
Now make a list of all the Matthew Broderick films of which you can remember. Done that? Now cross out all the ones that weren’t artistic travesties. Come on, be honest with yourselves. By the way if you didn’t cross out Godzilla it’s probably best if you cease this exercie immediately.
There isn’t much to be said about Harry Derbidge that hasn’t already been said. By that we mean that there is very little to say about Harry Derbidge aside from the fact that he appears to have an IQ comparable to that of a brain-damaged heron. In fact, up until today we hadn’t actually heard of anyone called Harry Derbidge and assumed that a ‘derbidge’ was a way of accessing a castle.
Of course we know better now and our apologies go to the young Mr Derbidge who has spent the weekend garnering our respect by winning a massive important award! Yeah! Screw the brain-dead attention seekers of The Only Way Is Essex! Their former colleague Harry has picked up the coveted “Idiots’ Idiot” award at a hastily arranged ceremony sponsored by hecklerspray.
Let’s hear it for Harry, readers!
Zooey Deschanel is one of those women people fancy when they haven’t seen her act in anything. Once you see her in a moving picture, you can’t help but wish her ill. That whole kooky, sub-standard Goldie Hawn thing she’s got going on? Loathesome.
She sings cutesy wutesy songs and cocks her head to one side while biting her lip, acting like she’s 10 years old despite being in her thirties. It’s creepy!
And so, it isn’t surprising at all to hear her say she got bullied so much at school, that people spat at her.
So. Zooey Deschanel has a new show that is being shown on Channel 4 this very night at 8:30 post meridian. Of course, we've seen it and it won’t surprise you that we are characteristically unimpressed.
That said, looking on the bright side of any situation, like we uncharacteristically do, we've managed to find five things that are good about New Girl (8:30, Channel 4).
And here they are, over the jump and as follows…
Zooey Deschanel is the Prom Queen of the Hipster Ball. She can kinda sing, kinda act and is generally kinda good-looking and kinda nice. Perfect for the hipsters as she never quite looks like she’s really trying.
However, Zooey is quite obviously a giganto-ghoul.
Why? Mainly because she doesn’t believe in the sanctity of marriage and is getting divorced from her husband – Some Guy – which will absolutely anger God so much that he’ll probably ensure any children she has in the future will all have hunchbacks.
Joseph Gordon-Levitt and Zooey Deschanel are probably the most irritating pair on Earth, mainly because we’ve got nothing on them. They seem nice. They seem quite funny. They’re altogether likeable and that makes us mad.
Of course, we hate most of their cloying hipster fans who, this morning, will be getting steamed up ironic NHS spectacles when they learn that the (500) Days of Summer duo have paired up to sing a song together.
And they’ve filmed it. And we’re going to let you watch it if you’re smart enough to click over the jump. Which you’re not. The amount of times we have to actually point that out to you dawdling shitboxes is unreal! Anyway. Video. You’ll like it. Over the jump.
