your views - HecklerSpray

Readers’ Letters: “i bet you will remove my comment eh?”

August 7th, 2012 By Mof Gimmers

Hello dipsticks. We haven’t done a readers’ letters for a while have we? To be honest, we’ve been busy. Busy lording it up at an award ceremony and, prior to that, begging you for votes and rigging the process so that we definitely won.

Also, we’ve been very wounded by those slating the video. We take all your insults personally and it’s very hard of us… *bites fist and fights tears*… sorry… it’s just… we try our best y’know?

Okay. We don’t. We’re lazy. Very lazy. And unprofessional. And liars. Either way, we’ve waddled back to the foetid sack of letters and correspondence and, Christ, you lot are still as barking as ever. Shall we have a look together? You’ll find some white-supremacy and bad spelling!

Readers’ Letters: “This Article Is A Cheap Shot At A Defenceless Man Who Is Now Deceased!”

August 7th, 2012 By Michael Park

In a week where people decided it was time to overthrow an oppressive regime, the hecklerspray bedsit has been full of rumours that Editor Mof’s reign of terror might finally be coming to an end.

That was before we were all lashed to our typewriters and forced to hammer out words about Alfonso Ribeiro’s career and Kim Kardashian’s vagina. All in a week’s work.

Still, the time has come for us to dig our hands deep into the vomit-soaked correspondence satchel and find the best and worst of our readers’ views.

Readers’ Letters: “It's just another great gay brand damaged by stupid straight people.”

August 7th, 2012 By Michael Park

Every week, the hecklerspray postbag overflows with the kind of putrid bile usually reserved for the Right Wing media telling people of different creeds, colours or sexual orientation how everything they’ve ever done or thought is filth which should be banned and then burned on a pyre while the ranks of middle England’s disaffected gentry dance around in sports jackets, caterwauling into the sky.

Of course, usually we love that kind of thing. All of you people coming over and telling us that we’re poor excuses for both “journalists” and “human beings” really gets us off.

That is to say, it really gets the editorial staff off and once they’ve reassured the writers enough that they stop crying floods of crocodile tears, they have a little fumble with themselves over people calling them “scum” and “Scrappy Doo”.

Readers Letters: “I think YOU people are the sickos”

August 7th, 2012 By Mof Gimmers

Hello skid pans. We’ve got our waders on again, which means it is time once more to get stuck into the silage that is the letter bag. And good lord, it really hums this week. Seriously. Imagine the smell of an uncovered war-grave.

Multiply that by ten are you’re nowhere near close.

Of course, there’s the usual abuse and junk this week, just like any other week. And mercifully, the Michael Jackson fans are back again, arousing us with their bile. We’ve also got someone defending Christian Bale in a very amusing fashion, not to mention someone talking about smelling Avril Lavigne’s hair. Let us sift the floating scum together like we’re panning for gold amongst the turds.

Readers’ Letters: The ‘Tom Hardy Thinks We’re Morons’ Special… Or Does He?

August 7th, 2012 By Michael Park

It’s that time of the week again where we put on industrial strength rubber gloves, strap on our personal protective equipment, snap our goggles into place and go for a swim in the murky depths of the hecklerspray post bag. There really is nothing more refreshing on a muggy, humid day than going for a swim through the tepid bile that you lot spray out of your brains.

Unfortunately Editor Mof has been forced into mediating a disagreement between two hecklerspray writers which has already seen Kris Silver thrown into a pile of discarded post bags where- unfortunately- his left hand dissolved due to the build up of acid. In hindsight he’ll feel that suggesting to Paul Pencott that he take on the role of Kris’ “business hand” has been his worst professional decision to date.

Nevertheless, while they all engage in a fight to the death, let’s take a look at how many of you have suggested that we die in a fire this week.

Readers Letters: “You have low self esteem.. I feel bad for you.”

August 7th, 2012 By Mof Gimmers

Hello skidmarks. How are we all? Don’t answer that because we honestly couldn’t care less. That’s because we’re far too busy sifting through the lunacy of the ‘spray mailbag. And by jove, there are some Grade A nutters about.

Of course, the obligatory Michael Jackson Mentalists are shouting at us while draped in soiled bedsheets, holding a solitary candle aloft in tribute to the world’s most famous freak show.

However, in a weird turn of events, the mailbag got sexy this week with some absolute filth pouring from your dirty, dirty mouths. Seriously. Over the jump you’ll find some appallingly x-rated rants from readers. Shall we? Lets.

Readers Letters: “This article is beyond offensive. You should be ashamed of yourselves.”

August 7th, 2012 By Mof Gimmers

Hello readers. It is, once again, that time where we have a little look at all that lovely fanmail we get. That’s right! The stinking, pus-dribbling, bulging sack in the corner is ready to pop… and next to Matthew Laidlow is the postbag, filled with goodies!

Of course, there’s been a few nutters popping into the ‘spray hovel to chuck their hat into the ring, and naturally, we’re going to celebrate them here. It’s okay. They’ll never read this article. They only appear when we’ve attacked their chosen idol.

And once again, the Michael Jackson fans are out in force, as are Beatlenuts. What would we do without them? We’d be terribly lonely, that’s what. A fist in the face is better than no feeling at all. Anyway, let us see what’s being said this week!

Readers Letters: “He eats his enemies and our abilities to complain to create our chicken pig behavior.”

August 7th, 2012 By Mof Gimmers

Sometimes, the readers letters page contains absolute dynamite… and today is one such day. It really seems the mentals are back in full force, saying stuff that has made the collective ‘we’ agog.

In amongst the ‘ur rubbish’ and a pleasant ‘whoever worte dis shud hang thr head in shame. or be shot’, we’ve been dealt some absolutely astonishing conspiracies. That headline? A direct quote about an infamous world leader.

And there’s a woman who knew Michael Jackson who wrote 4000 words about… well… you’ll just have to see for yourself.

Readers Letters: “Live A Happy Life Without Sex”

August 7th, 2012 By Mof Gimmers

Good day scumbags! How are you? Do you honestly think we care? Well then. You’re stupid for saying “I’m fine thank you” at your computer monitor. You’re one of those people who talks to your television set aren’t you? You rudderless nincompoop.

Anyway, we’re here again to sift through the mind-sewer that is the Readers Letters. Again, there’s anger. And some more anger. And some idiocy thrown in for good measure.

Of course, we can’t exactly trash you for this because we’re fuming simpletons as well. However, we have a letters page and you don’t, so we can slag you all we want because we’re not only horrible people, but we’re gigantic hypocrites too.

Readers’ Letters: “We Are All Slithering Peons!”

August 7th, 2012 By Michael Park

It’s been a really unfortunate week for everyone involved in hecklerspray. Not only have we been forced to listen to Amy Winehouse’s difficult “Belgrade Phase” on repeat by the editor, we’ve also had the misfortune of seeing JLo’s nipple slip projected on a screen every day since it came out, leading to an increase in burger consumption in the bedsit.

Of course, that doesn’t change your life so that means that it must be about time to trawl our dripping, faeces-stained post bag to see what our mentally disturbed readership has seen fit to submit for our perusal. No weekly chore fills us with more dread, we even include emptying Billy Gean’s ‘victim pit’ in that.

Unfortunately, this week’s Readers’ Letters is an amalgam of odd-ball, out of context ramblings and the witterings of the criminally insane. Unusually, this week hasn’t seen us inundated with Whines of Muse fans or Miseries of Michael Jackson fans, leaving us with the unintelligible muttering of dangerous, dangerous people as our only source of entertainment.