Katie Holmes may well have finally escaped from the clutches of Tom Cruise, if reports in some glossy yank rag are to be believed.

The Star is reporting that the Tomkat experience is over and no longer a thread to the rest of us with their weird placenta eating ways. You can’t really blame them for thinking that though, what with the recent fad for celebrity separations garnering copious column inches in the run up to Christmas.

When you think about it, that’s just plain depressing.

According to the front page of the Star, which is all anyone can really stomach reading, the police had to be called after Holmes had some sort of nuclear apocalypse style meltdown and that she’s now resting up at home with Mummy and Daddy Holmes. But not just any Daddy Holmes, no, DIVORCE LAWYER DADDY HOLMES, who sounds like a third rate WWE wrestler from the mid-90s.

Naturally Holmes and Cruise’s people are denying the rumours, saying that the report is a work of pure fiction and that the couple are just living separate lives.

However, as all good conspiracy theorists will tell you, the media is crawling with Scientologists trying to prevent you from learning the truth.

In fact, most of the hecklerspray team is comprised of Scientologists and Lizard People, attempting to distract you while our brethren slowly take over the world by making atrocious films and discrediting David Icke.

It is probably worth pointing out that the Star has run this accusation of the Tomkat phenomenon blowing up around us alongside stories of Johnny Depp flirting with 19 year olds and Ashton Kutcher getting caught up in a murder scandal.

So it is quite clearly a load of bollocks, unless the Star happens to have some of the best journalists in the world who have all managed to unearth groundbreaking stories on the same week. But really, how likely is that?

No, it looks like Katie Holmes is still shackled to her husband and his midichlorians, thetans and STD sound-a-like life forces, all the time staring at that e-meter in the corner, wondering if it truly captures the extent of her feelings.

What would Xenu do?

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Well, file this one under ‘how the hell did we miss that, even though it broke about a day ago?!’

See, you traipse the internet, you look through all of your sources, talk to people and even read things and yet – we still miss things sometimes. Big things. Things that were basically stories handcrafted for the hallowed pages of hecklerspray. Things that involve both Tom Cruise and Scientology.

Things that involve Tom Cruise, Scientology and the fact that both the person and the religion are being sued by an ex-follower.

How the hell did we miss this?

Well, it turns out that a $250 million lawsuit was filed on July 15 against the Church of Scientology, with the suit’s plaintiff Peter Letterese, an ex-member of the church, claiming everybody’s favourite Nazi, Tom Cruise, is second in command of the religion.

Letterese claims the church, including Cruise and David Miscavage – he who sits at the top of the Thetan pile in charge of Scientology – are akin to a “crime syndicate” and wants the organisation prosecuted under the Racketeer Influenced and Corrupt Organisation (RICO) law, claiming harassment by those in charge.

Like we said – this is handcrafted for use on hecklerspray. It doesn’t even need any kind of satirical/bitchy angle put into it, it just writes itself. An ex-member of the church is suing Scientology for $250 million dollars while claiming they have many similarities to the mafia, and has named Tom Cruise as one of the main parties involved. Sorry to repeat, but it just… wow. It doesn’t get much better than this.

We mean, it probably won’t go anywhere – one man against the combined might of however many devout believers in the actions of Xenu is never going to be a fair battle. But when you put Tom Cruise in the mix, then you’re just going to lose. Nevertheless, Letterese said Miscavage is:

“aided and abetted by the actions of Tom Cruise, his right-hand man for foreign and domestic promotion, as well as for foreign and domestic lobbying. He has assisted the syndicate in acquiring funds and (made) his own donations of money believed to be in the multiple tens of millions of dollars.”

To throw in some level of balance to the whole escapade, a spokesperson from the church, speaking to the New York Daily Post, stated:

“This is a frivolous suit based on falsehoods.”

They both seem like solid claims, to be honest – who are we to believe? No idea. So instead, let’s wildly speculate.

If the Church of Scientology were to be dismantled under anti-racketeering laws then, well, it would be a great big pile of hilarity. But surely it would set a new precedent for how religions are treated in today’s world? If Scientology is, as it is claimed, a genuine religion rather than a pyramid scheme, then surely other religious bodies could be prosecuted under whatever laws might apply?

We could see Christianity being brought down for forcing its followers to pay ‘protection money’ in the form of so-called ‘collections’; or the Catholic Church being disintegrated following widespread claims of child abuse – not that that would ever happen, of course…

Islam dissolved after a shoe-stealing racket is uncovered in mosques around the country? Buddhism decimated on charges of mass loitering disguised as meditation? The possibilities are endless, frankly, and it would open a gigantic can of worms for the whole world to lovingly stare at.

But let’s face it – you fight Tom Cruise, you’re going to lose. Though he still can’t keep pizzas warm with magic.