He’s automatic! He’s systematic! He’s hydromatic! Why, he’s Sonic The Hedgehog actually and he’s coming to make you feel like an overgrown child-man once again.

Surely the slew of Sonic games over the past twenty or so years are enough for you? Together, we’ve gone from Green Hill Zone to Metal Egg Stage 1, we’ve Spinballed and even been to the Winter Olympics with that filthy Italian, surely the only thing left is Sonic and Blue Flashing Ghost from Pac-Man go to Lidl.

But apparently the creators of all those Sonic games seem to not know how not to flog a dead Knuckles and are all set to release another instalment of their new series for every gaming device going, even Android devices, Windows phones and Sega Game Gear probably.

A new video was unveiled by some twat who has some really questionable ideas on what constitutes an acceptable hairstyle to wear in front of human peoples.

Why they didn’t release footage of the actual game is quite baffling, but at least we are shown two of the most important features of the game: the second coming of Metal Sonic and the introduction of the canid parasite Miles “Tails” Prower*.

According to the video, the saga continues in 2012, which will be nice won’t it? We’ll be able to block out the deafening, self centred squawking from people wanking furiously to the Olympics and waving ridiculous Union Jacks and running shoes, so until then, let’s all sing the musical representation of drowning from Sonic until Sega save us with a bubbley rawp-rap.

*The name Miles Prower is a play on ‘miles per hour.’ Amazing fact that isn’t it?

When the first Uncharted game came out way back in 2007, it took us a while to buy it. It’s not Drake’s fault, it’s his big-titted predecessor Lara Croft, and the infuriating Tomb Raider series.

It’s not her big polygonal boobs, or the clipped British accent, or the fact that she’s so ridiculously minted she can afford to piss about, travelling the world and shooting a host of endangered species – it’s that the games she starred in were steaming piles of bear turd, with a terrible shooting dynamic.

Then, one day, with little interest for a new “treasure hunting” game, it dawned on everyone that Uncharted was a game where you could pretend to be Indiana Jones. What’s not to like about that?

Drake is one of those rare characters in gaming where you actually give two hoots about what’s happening to him, and the third instalment from Naughty Dog plays on that in a big way.

The first half hour of the game barely has any action in it (well, at least none of the shooting kind). Instead, you’re thrown into a dodgy deal with London gangsters, a punch up in what can only be a BNP pub, judging by the haircuts, bovver boots and union jacks adorned all over the place, and then you’re thrown into a flashback, where a fresh faced teenage Drake is trying to break into a Colombian museum (because when you’re in Colombia, and coked up to the eyeballs, you need a bit of culture).

This isn’t a game you can just pick up without playing the first two – you’ll literally have lost the plot in less than an hour, and none of the large scale events that have so much meaning to those of us who’ve been with the series from the beginning will be completely lost on you. There are a lot of loose ends that get tied up in the story, and while this shouldn’t be the place for spoilers, Elena (the love interest in the series) plays a big part in this. So, if you’re new to the series, stop reading this now, get the first two dirt cheap online, and come back here when you’re ready.

It’s clear from the start that, while the graphics haven’t been given a massive overhaul, they’re still the prettiest thing you’ll ever see on the PS3. Gone are the soulless dead eyes from Uncharted 2 that could induce really rather terrible nightmares. At times, it’s easy to forget your playing a game. During the game, you may well find yourself stopping to admire the view, gazing out over the desert at midnight, the starlit sky, and lights from the nearest village stretching out to forever [Jesus Christ. What kind of hippie rubbish is this? - Ed].

The acting can’t be faulted either – Naughty Dog have perfected the art of blending motion capture and animation, keeping their stable of voice actors working well beyond the norm for the industry. When you see Drake raise a cheeky eyebrow and flash that crooked smile – you’re watching Nolan North’s performance in the studio. Despite all the hype, L.A. Noire didn’t even come close to nailing graphics like these.

Now, perhaps the most important aspect you want to hear about is the gameplay. To put it bluntly, this game is a bastard! Played on hard setting, this game can still be completed it in two days (or, more accurately, just over 9 hours in total) but, Jesus, you’ll have to work for it.

During that time, we found ourselves dying close to 200 times during playthrough and came very close to launching the control pad through the television on at least 150 of those deaths.

The enemy AI is off the charts. They have eyes in the back of their heads. You think you’re being clever, sneaking up on Messr. Heavily Armed Pirate, but as soon as you’ve hoisted him over the crate, and quietly snapped his neck, his mates are all over you, grenades and bullets flying everywhere while you cower behind an awkwardly placed chaise lounge, crying to yourself as the man with the gigantic shotgun creeps ever nearer with a plateful of ass to hand to you. You can try and sneak around like Solid Snake, but you will get spotted, and when it happens you better make sure you take out the snipers first.

The main concern about Uncharted 3 was that it would repeat the cardinal sin of the second instalment, Honour Among Thieves: throughout Uncharted 2, you perfected shooting and climbing, precision aiming, and generally cowering behind the scenery waiting for the perfect shot. Then the final boss came along, and had you running around in circles and blind firing behind you while the bad guy threw grenades at you.

It was a disappointing end to an amazing game and it made me want to drown kittens. The final boss in Uncharted 3 more than makes up for it. You utilise every skill you’ve had to develop over the course of the series, and by god is it satisfying when it all goes your way! People might complain that the lack of a badass “classic” final boss is a tad unsatisfying, but if you look at the whole level as the final boss, then you can truly appreciate it.

If you’ve played the first two, and haven’t got your hands on the third one yet, then you need to rectify the situation immediately. It might only take two days to complete, but the action packed story, and the multiplayer, will keep you satisfied for months.

This was a guest post by Ed Williams who you can find out more about here.  Just make sure you breathe through your mouth when you’re around him.

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The FIFA franchise, no matter what your hooting sap chums say, is the greatest series of football (or soccer if you prefer) games, EVER.

Pro Evo barely registers on the scale in comparison (that said, it’s as pointless comparing the two as it is comparing Super Mario Bros. to eight slices of toast) as FIFA has always looked the part and been most consuming.

Shame it has had a uniformly terrible soundtrack, but you can’t have everything. Of course, the game is released today in North America and us European (in your pants) get it from the 29th Sep. So what can we look out for?

Sadly, the new game features the terrible Kasabian on the  soundtrack and the programming swine still haven’t acknowledged Bolton Wanderers as the greatest team who ever graced a football pitch, accurately filling the squad with so-so players.

It just isn’t fair.

However, there seem to be loads of improvements and tinkerings that have gone on in a bid to make the game worth buying after the impressive FIFA11.

And yes, there’s more to it than just wanting to see the new kits and own the updated squads.

So let us peer at these videos and see what we’ll be spending our pennies on.

First off, is the trailer for the FIFA12 which is a decent enough overview of what the new version will entail.

One thing about FIFA11 was that career modes could get a little samey and one thing that was missed was the ability to grow and nurture young players.

As such, there’s a new take on the youth academy system. If it works, this game could easily steal you life forever.

As ever, there’s new skills to enjoy in FIFA12. As hecklerspray has hands like feet, we’ll be able to execute precisely zero of these moves.

There’s also a new impact engine which looks decent enough. However, with all that information being processed, there could be a few bugs that amuse/irritate.

Importantly, there’s no Andy Gray this time around after he was all sexist. And so, he’s been replaced by Alan Smith. That’s right, the former Arsenal striker who never got booked and never pronounced an ‘R’ correctly.

There’s been a few bugs in the system that need to be ironed out… lets hope they have by the time of release. Sadly, nothing can be done about the berks you play online who quit before the end of the game just because you’re beating them.

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Computer games are brilliant aren’t they? Designed by humans who are scared of the outside world, they open us up to a world of possibilities. As a child, your imagination and a few cardboard boxes let you create mystical worlds that provided continuous adventure.

Now electrical firms in Japan can do the same with a box full of microchips and technology that could enslave the human race.

Thanks to games, we can foil a terrorist plot before lunchtime. We’d never be able to do that in real life. Some games replicate our interests, especially football. Gutted you’re an obese mess, unable to play in the Premiership and can’t afford a super injunction. Thanks to FIFA, your thumbs do all of that. But it’s not always exciting stuff that gets converted into games. Dull, pointless and boring sports such as F1 also receive the digital treatment. Giving you the chance to drive around in a circle for a long period of time.

F1 is literally about watching a load of cars go around a racetrack very fast, multiple times. That’s about it.

Occasionally, there might be a crash followed by an explosion, but until the sport becomes something like the game Wipeout, we’re left scratching our heads and wondering why so many people enjoy it. You might as well get set up a load of cones in a ASDA carpark and get five cars to race round the makeshift track until the police arrive to spoil the fun.

Just like horse racing, F1 is essentially an elite sport that’s enjoyed by those who can afford to take part. Until a mad scientist comes along and combines a horse and a car to make a hybrid spectacle we won’t find any joy in either of them.

Instead of sending horses to the glue factory once they’ve ran their last race, they could continue to compete, just with the aid of an engine shoved where the sun don’t shine.

When early games consoles like the ZX Spectrum arrived, an unrecognisable blob-like pixel that you could control via a joystick amazed us. With life-like graphics, we’ve become bored. Stylising lifts a dull game out of the tedium, but ultra realistic games can feel like an unswerving chore.

Companies such as Sony and Microsoft have now invested in motion sensor technology so you can be part of the game. Particularly hilarious when Wii remotes go through the TV screens. Even we can’t argue about the slickness of the trailer for F1 2011, but just because every grain of dirt is visible, we’re not completely sold. Go on PR people, convince us:

“The slow motion video shows off the cars and teams in the current F1 season, as well as dramatic spins, increased physics and the all-new safety car.”

An all-new safety car? Play a jolly warning jingle when somebody is being naughty? Nobody will listen to the instructions of the mumsy vehicle that’s meant to keep everybody in check.

What’s the point in having something that can go over 100mph very quickly if it can’t be used to its full potential?

Like real Formula 1, we demand weapons.

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The Games Workshop has stood as a shining beacon in town centres around the world as gathering spots for nerds, geeks and every available derisory word we can think of.

We don’t feel bad saying that because some of us hecklerspray writers (cough ahem) were included in that ‘nerdy’ few who devoted far too much time to the table top franchise [You're all perverts - Ed.].

For a number of years, table-top games have dared to jump from dice to the 21st century with several releases such as Space Hulk, Dawn of War, Fire Warrior but to little success except for inside pre-existing fan bases. Developer Relic Entertainment should however buck that trend with Space Marine, a gratifyingly violent third-person shooter/hack-n-slash combo that even non Games Workshop collectors can enjoy.

You take up the role of Captain Titus (voiced by Mark Strong), leader of a faction of Space Marines known as the Ultramarines who are sent to a world that is being besieged by millions of Orks to hopefully turn the tide and rescue some massive robot like weapon.

Admittedly, the story isn’t very original and you soon find out that there is very little backstory to the game, with audiences frequently asked to fill in the blanks and get on with it. In one instance, there’s a character who we learn is part of ‘The Inquisition’ who our Ultramarines for some reason fear and respect, but at no point is it explained why we’re aiding this trumped up psychic twerp.

It’s all a little bit disappointing, but then once you get into the frantic mix of blasting Orks away with massive, powerful weapons and giddily dismembering bodies left, right and centre. Basically, forget the story – you have a bloodbath to be getting on with.

That said, this dumb fun soon loses flavour. The game is genuinely difficult, even with frequent weapon power-ups and special moves. Sadly, the whole thing just doesn’t seem to relent. At times, you get the feeling that you and your little merry band of marines are the pocket of resistance amidst a seemingly never ending sea of bloodthirsty Orks.

Never ending isn’t a good thing in the gaming world, unless you’ve got no life.

The online mode is just as bad. The whole thing feels terribly thin and with only a handful of game choices and levels to choose from, the whole thing becomes something of a chore.

The choice of weapons feels somewhat limited and compared to the likes of Call of Duty or Battlefield Bad Company, only vaguely saved by the option to custom-make your own character for online play.

What we have here is the potential for a great series. Space Marine is better placed for potential sequels that any other game of its type out there; the only hope is that they have a little more ambition and open up their geek shaped doors to create a more immersive experience than this first outing.

7/10

This rubbish was written by James Wright who we found hanging around on a street corner, crying.

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Are you the kind of person who wants to ditch your normally boring mates and hang around with some celebrities instead? Of course you are. That’s all anyone really wants. Celebrities have helicopters and diamond socks while your awful mates have overdrafts and microwave meals.

If that’s the case then, you’ll be wanting to hang around with Snoop Dogg won’t you? You’ll be able to drop it like it’s hot, whatever it is.

And so, our new chums from Xbox and Ibiza Rocks are running a competition to make your dreams come true, and all you have to do is recall the best moments of summer. You have to keep reading this article as well though, you idle oaf.

Xbox and Ibiza Rocks have been running two competitions this summer.

The first gave you plebs the chance to be the Xbox “man on the ground” over summer, with three winners spending six weeks in Ibiza, with all that music and lack of sleep to enjoy. People like Plan B and Example were mooching around too, posing for various photographs and no doubt wearing three-quarter length shorts.

Celebrities love doing that don’t they? And you love hanging around with them because they make you feel special by association.

Anyway, having already given away three VIP trips to Ibiza, Xbox are closing the hot fun in the summertime with a chance to win a meet-and-greet gig experience with Snoop Dogg on his autumn tour in the UK (Echo Arena, Liverpool) including travel, accommodation and food/drink.

This competition involves creating an interactive map which shows fans’ ultimate summer memories, via the Xbox – Ibiza Memories fanpage: http://apps.facebook.com/xboxibizamemories/

Remember that time your mate broke his arm when flying into the sea from one of those inflatable sea-bananas being dragged along by a madman in a speed boat? Remember having fun with friends as that jelly fish tried to mate with that sunburned tourist? Remember your chum waking up inside a wasp’s nest? Mark them on the map! Winning stuff by remembering your summer holidays is good.

If you win, you receive:

• Travel to and from Liverpool (Up to a total value of £100)

• Overnight hotel accommodation in Liverpool

• Food and Drink allowance (up to £100)

• 2 x standing tickets to the show (10/10/11) (general admission)

• 2 x Individual photos with Snoop Dogg

• 2 x Autographed items

Competition closes 23^rd September.

Visit http://apps.facebook.com/xboxibizamemories/ for terms and conditions of the Ibiza Memories competition.

So there you go. You’re armed with the chance to hang around with Snoop Dizzle. All you have to do is enter the competition now!

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Viral video by ebuzzing

Dunderheaded, probably passed off as post-modernist satire, Duke Nukem is coming back in a bevvy of boobs, stupid weapons, grating asides and dreadful metal bands. Of course, those onside adore him. Everyone wonders why people still play first-person shooters.

Either way, there’s a fizzing excitement in the gaming world as Duke Nukem Forever looms. It is getting an international release from June 10th onward across everything apart from the Wii.

And now, there’s a pissing trailer which features lesbian schoolgirls, aliens, pole dancers, daft weapons and Duke’s infamous all-action hero voice. Basically, he’s the man Jason Statham has based his whole career on. Which is a terrifying prospect.

Duke Nukem has come a long, long way since he first stepped out back in ’91, but the ethos remains – blow stuff up, punch all the blood out of baddies and watch naked women wriggle around while muttering grunty asides.

And of course, the aliens are invading again and, naturally, there’s only Duke can save us.

Aside from the array of OTT weapons and shrink-rays, Duke will be shooting hoops, working on his guns and reading bongo mags and all that stuff that you’ll be invariably passing off as being tongue-in-cheek.

You don’t what we have to say, so here’s the trailer which everyone is getting in a twist about.

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Stan Lee is a God to millions of geeks everywhere and a seemingly harmless, eccentric old man to the rest of us. Lee is the former president and CEO of Marvel comics, the publisher that brought us such legends as Spiderman, the X Men and Squirrel Girl (seriously).

Why is a washed up old geek in the news I hear you ask? Well, apparently the great state of California is attempting to restrict the availability of violent video games. That is to say, the state governed by Arnold Schwarzenegger, a man who appeared in a boat load of violent films, most of which had videogame adaptations, thinks that games are bad and should be stopped before they harm the kiddywinks.

Crazy ol’ Uncle Stan posted the following message on the Video Game Voters Network’s website, which interestingly had never been heard of until this story:

My memory has always been lousy and it’s not improving with age. But it’s good enough to remember a time when the government was trying to do to comic books what some politicians now want to do with video games: censor them and prohibit their sales. It was a bad idea half a century ago and it’s just as bad an idea now.

Despite how liable he is to wet himself, Grampa Simpson Stan Lee is right, the politicians are overstepping the mark by using games as a scapegoat and this new bill is a blatant attempt to appease conservative voters. He also found time in his open letter to accuse the politicians of doing all this just to drum up positive headlines, to ensure they get re-elected and that 50 years on, politicians still haven’t changed.

And he’s right, after all, 70 or so years ago we saw another Austrian with a dubious past and some right wing ideas get elected to power. He did manage to write a book though. I’m not convinced the Governator can actually write.

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Fifa vs Pro Evo. It’s a battle that has caused many a forum argument and playground bullying campaign as people try to decide which provides the better footballing experience. A battle that has had fresh life breathed into it with the release of the demo versions of Fifa 11 and Pro Evo 11 on both Xbox Live and PSN.

Having spent a long time playing both the latest Fifa and Pro Evo demos I can tell you that they once again offer a broad range of differing aspects of the game… and all of them are boring and insignificant.

I don’t care about the motion capture, I don’t care about the ball having the same physics as a ball that was, in possibly one of the most bizarre statements in sport, described as being too round and I don’t care about the player likenesses.

You know why? Because football is no longer about football, it’s about some of the world’s richest, thickest and, quite frankly, ugliest people taking copious amounts of drugs, sleeping with prostitutes whose ages range from 12 to 90, players trying to win an Oscar for throwing themselves to the ground at every available opportunity while crooked billionaires buy up anything and everything they see.

Seriously, Wayne Rooney and Peter Crouch, 2 men who between them have the IQ of a particularly stupid potato and who both look like they escaped from a zoo for handicapped animals, managed to cheat on their model girlfriends with high class hookers and random girls in clubs. How is this not a more interesting aspect of the game than the lack of talent they managed to display at the World Cup?

Fine, if you want an arcade feel buy Pro Evo, if you want an all around better simulation, buy Fifa. But for the love of God shut up about it being, “the most realistic football experience ever,” it isn’t, there is no button that allows you to dive, no clubs go bankrupt half way through a match and no tabloid sex scandals in the season or be a pro modes. Even This Is Football had a dive button, which instantly makes it 10 times more realistic than either Fifa or Pro Evo.

It’s Tiger Woods PGA Tour 2011 all over again.

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Bungie, the developers behind games such as Halo, Halo 2 and… erm, Halo 3 have made an announcement to all the people playing the leaked version of their latest game, Halo 4… I mean Halo: Reach.

Halo: Reach for the Stars is a first person shooter set somewhere in outer space and requires the player to climb various mountains higher and ultimately follow their heart’s desire. Okay, I may have confused the plot of the game with a song by S Club 7, but to be honest the plot is so ridiculously complex I genuinely can’t be bothered going into it. In its most basic form it works like this: Man has gun, man has space suit, man go into space and shoot evil alien for arbitrary reason that serves as a plot device.

Somehow the Halo series has become the iPhone of Xbox games, except it came out before the iPhone and people who own it don’t tend to try and show off their new copy of Halo by laying it out on the table at every opportunity. Well, some people do, but they’re creepy and weird.

Anyway, being that this game is the be all and end all of gaming, the launch of Halo: Reacharound has encountered the same problem as every digital entertainment format in the last 10 years, it’s been pirated to high heaven and Bungie have had enough! The makers of the game have said that no-one playing should get too attached to any equipment or credits they’ve garnered during their illegal little online romps, as everything will be reset when the game is officially released and Bungie have written the whole episode off as, “beta testing.”

Cue rioting in the streets complaining on internet forums as players try to figure out a way to get around the reset, only to be told by Bungie that the second they connect to the Xbox LIVE servers they’ll be identified as a new user and reset to n00b status, this may or may not have been followed by the Bungie PR rep sticking two fingers up at the pirates, blowing a raspberry and telling them to, “jog on.”

TLDR; Bungie steal from pirates, LOL!

Your children are addicts. Well, not really, but according to Dr Alex Yellowlees of the Priory Hospital in Glasgow they are. But why does Dr Yellowlees believe that your child’s XBOX, PS3 or Wii will violently murder your child and then molest their corpse?

The obvious answer is because he’s a whole spread short of a picnic, or (more likely) he’s just a press whore.

“Dr” Yellowlees, who offers Personal Life Coaching Consultation as well as sensationalised sound bites, believes that our children are at risk of becoming addicted to videogames as parents look to games as a method of keeping their kids quiet for a few hours.

But wait, I’m sure I’ve heard this argument before about television and the internet. Come to think of it, it was a certain Alex Yellowlees who said all of these things are highly addictive. Who’d have thought the Medical Director of a private addiction clinic would be able to find so many things to declare dangerously addictive?

According to the good doctor parents should look out for the warning signs of gaming addiction include:

“Tendonitis in wrists and neck pain, depression, mood swings, angry outbursts if interrupted or restricted, avoiding normal socialising and being active with other friends, preferring to be in their rooms to being with the family (even for meals), and deterioration in quality of school work and poor attention during classes.”

Aren’t these the normal habits of teenagers? Admittedly tendonitis in the wrists would only affect the males and the really slutty females (although where these slutty female gamers would find the time to get out and about so much with all the gaming they’re doing is beyond me).

Gaming isn’t actually listed as an addiction, but according to the BBC parents and doctors such as Yellowlees (read: fake ones) are growing, “increasingly alarmed,” at how many children are locking themselves away in their room to play videogames.

None of them seem to see the irony in this as they are the same parent groups and doctors that tell you to lock your child away in some sort of Fritzl like dungeon to save them from paedophiles and items that don’t comply with every health and safety regulation under the sun.

Yellowlees does actually have one sensible thing to say, parents should spend more time with their kids. Which is a nice sentiment, even if it is so painfully obvious it makes me wonder whether or not Mr Yellowlees got his PhD from a seaside claw machine.

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Tiger Woods is back! You remember him, he’s the one that made golf vaguely interesting for five minutes by having sex with every woman on Earth.

Fresh from his stint in rehab for sex addiction, a condition that only seems to affect pro-sportsmen, the golfing god has returned and passed down to us his latest gospel, the imaginatively titled, Tiger Woods PGA Tour 2011.

EA were one of the few companies to stick with Tiger after he was struck down with a crippling case of horniness, mainly because without him they’d be lumbered with an officially licensed PGA game that didn’t have a bankable name gracing it’s cover and wouldn’t be able to shift any copies.

The problem with Tiger Woods something something 2011 is that it doesn’t live up to all the hype generated by Tiger himself in the months leading up to the game’s release. Where’s the ability to have porn stars and call girls come and dance for you? Where’s the level where your wife chases you down the road with a gold club in some sort of GTA style rage? Where’s the crippling sense of failure when you realise that your past has come back to haunt you? In the hands of a company such as Rockstar, this could have been one of the best releases of 2010.

But EA have decided to stick to the golf… that’s right, golf, the single most boring aspect of Tiger Woods’s life. The controls and graphics are essentially the same as every previous incarnation of this game, because that’s just the way EA works, and overall you’re left with this horrible sinking feeling in the pit of your stomach as you slowly realise that you’re playing golf… on a games console.

The realisation that you’re controlling one of the most controversial characters in recent history and yet all you’re doing with him is trying to get a birdie at the 9th hole of St. Andrews is one of those few and far between times in gaming that make you realise that maybe you’re better off switching off your console and going outside before you start playing World of Warcraft for 23 hours a day.

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I’m not a gamer. I’ll happily have an evening with a controller and a few beers, but when my thumbs start to blister and my eyes crust over, I rejoin the real world.

Having said that, I’m not lacking that manchildish streak that still gets pants wettingly excited at the prospect of being a cowboy/ pirate/ zombie/ space marine/ Elvis.

You only have to see the average stag do to see grown men, thanks to intoxication and a flimsy excuse, donning the likeness of their particular hero and having a jolly good prance about.

This is why Rockstar Games had such a genius idea when they took their GTA series and put a Stetson on it. EVERY man out there with a twig and giggleberries loves the idea of being able to skin Clint Eastwood and scare the bum custard out of a saloon full of banditos.

It sound like this is an idea that couldn’t go wrong. Take the guts of the insultingly successful Grand Theft Auto series and set it in the Wild West. Mix intelligent, player-led gameplay with the kind of personality-ruining role play usually found in dingy German fetish clubs and hey presto!

This is where my eight-year-old self pisses himself with excitement. My flatmate has a copy, and lets me play if I give him my pocket money and other stuff. I jumped at the chance. I promptly regretted it.

Like I said, I’m not a gamer, I didn’t really get into the GTA series. Thus the controls rattled me at first. Walking, shooting and watching cut scenes all come naturally, but doing more than one at a time and I am struggling. Plus the fly-behind-camera gets very confused with its zooms and does something to ruin the fire fight. Often performing a colonoscopy on your horse.

There are other irksome features, the lethally long-winded weapon selection menu, the constant button bashing to get John Marston to mince a bit quicker and the fact that you can’t punch accurately.

But these could all be forgiven if the game seemed to have a storyline. There are frequent cut scenes and walk and talks to deliver this to you, but it’s more than likely you’ll skip them as they are insanely dull.

So screw it, let’s do it like a real outlaw. Sod the rules, storyline and helpful hints. I’m going to strike out into the brush by myself and try to find the fun parts of the game.

There is to do, but there doesn’t seem to be much point to any of it. You can help the AI characters, kill them, buy them off or shoot all the horses. This plays havoc with Fame and Honour ratings.  Which means bugger all. You still get given plenty of less than rewarding, shamefully easy mini missions – still with no idea where or how to find the bad guy, or why you want to. I don’t even know what the name is all about.

This makes me think, all this ‘plot’ is probably in the manual. Bloody hell! The bad guy kidnapped Marston’s wife and kid. The game probably mentioned that in some epic cut scene I didn’t watch.

Weirdly, Marston never seems to bring it up. He must have gotten over it and really be enjoying my confused romp through the brush, shooting innocent creatures or lassoing the townsfolk and leaving them all hogtied. There really is no sense of overall point to this game.

But the real world beckons and I’m bored enough of staring at the back of Marston’s head to quit and realise I’ve spent much longer than expected at this. Hours, maybe even days have passed.  I smell, my hands are sore and there are a massive quantity of empty beer cans around.

I have achieved nothing within the game, but it really is addictive. Not in a good, challenging and rewarding way. But in a schizophrenic, Being John Malkovich, stalking Jill Dando kind of way.

It really is a game that is all about escapism. It’s not a game, it’s a fantasy. Rockstar have left you free enough to turn the game into whatever you want it to be. You can be the good, bad or ugly. But you’ll still end up listening to some irritating animated Irishman talking guff about horse gonads.

(By Randy Figgins)

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Victoria Beckham was the last person I expected at a video games conference.

Before yesterday, I would have thought the chances of it happening were on a par with Susan Boyle doing kids’ TV and Jordan saying anything out loud that doesn’t immediately make me want to hurl myself under a train.

But in she trotted with her small army of publicists and scary-looking bodyguards to have a look around the centre with her kids Brooklyn, Romeo and the other one.

Apparently, we were told, she was there as a guest of Microsoft and came because she wanted her kids to enjoy the show.

I was even told that I may get an interview; some ‘alone time’ with the pencil-thin star.

Excited, I drew up some questions to ask her. Better start with something nice, I thought.

‘So what brings you to E3?’  ‘Are you as excited as I am about the launch of Modern Warfare 2?’ ‘Where’s David? With the nanny?’ and ‘You are looking good’.

Admittedly, the last one is not a question, but at this stage, I had no idea what she would look like, and thought it might earn me some Brownie points, a little more time before her Goebbels-like publicist ushered me out of the room and, if I was lucky, maybe even a rant about how she is sick of the media always commenting on ‘how frail’ she looks.

I even had this great idea of inviting her to take me on in a singing duel on Lips 2, which was just around the corner.

Of course, I knew she would never agree, but was still looking forward to the headline ‘Posh Chickens Out Of Singing Showdown With Hecklerspray’ or ‘Posh Admits Her Singing Voice Sounds Like An Elephant Humping A Fox’.  Admittedly, the last one was a bit of a stretch, but still. Bloody media.

Anyway, I arrived on time, but was quickly told: no interviews. Typical. So I spent the next hour or so following her and her kids around the exhibits hoping to get a couple of words from her.

Well, I got them – get lost. Although she did not say it to me personally, after taking a few too many pictures she murmured a few words to Jack Bauer standing next to her and I was encouraged to move on. I did, fearing some terrible 24 torture situation.

So I moved on, the taste of defeat still clogging up my nose, and was later told that Posh was not the only A-list celebrity at the LA Convention Center, with Mickey Rourke, Justin Timberlake and Steven Spielberg also spotted at the event while I was busy following Posh around.

God, once again, twangs my nose.

But I did not give up, and was soon rewarded with the best celebrity opportunity of them all at an after-show party – a photo opportunity with Christopher Mintz-Plasse (aka McLovin from Superbad).

Check out the photo and feel free to come up with an amusing caption. Looking at the picture, I think my head is twice the size as his. Oh, and notice the sunburn.

As for Posh, well, I have to say, she looked very frail.

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Fancy playing the drums as badly as Ringo Starr?

Well, now you can, thanks to a new video game which allows you to sing, strum and drum along to your favourite Beatles tracks – and Octopus’s Garden.

The Beatles: Rock Band was officially launched by Sir Paul McCartney and Starr at the start of E3 in Los Angeles and will be released in September.

They were even joined by Yoko Ono and Olivia Harrison, the wives of the dead half of the Fab Four, John Lennon and George Harrison.

Macca said: “It’s a fun idea which broadens the appeal of The Beatles. I like people having the opportunity to get to know the music from the inside out.”

For those of you who have never played Rock Band or Guitar Hero, it is basically a game where you and your mates can pretend you are actually musically gifted by hitting buttons on plastic guitars and drums.

The Beatles: Rockband

Ever modest, Starr announced: “The game is good and we were great.” ‘Were’ being the important word there.

McCartney showed just how much he was involved in the making of the game, by adding: “Whoever would have thought we would have ended up as androids?”

Mind you, having seen the game played on stage, it does look pretty good. Thankfully, Yoko did not feel the need to have a go.

The remaining Beatles’ surprise appearance came at the start of a formidable line-up for the Xbox 360.

Trailers for Left 4 Dead 2, Crackdown 2, Forza 3, Final Fantasy XIII, Splinter Cell: Conviction, Joyride and Halo 3 ODST, among others, all looked pretty impressive, but the star of the show for us was Modern Warfare 2, which is due to be released on October 11 and simply looks brilliant.

Even more exciting was the news that Metal Gear Solid is coming to the Xbox. However, there is no release date for Metal Gear Solid: Rising.

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