He’s automatic! He’s systematic! He’s hydromatic! Why, he’s Sonic The Hedgehog actually and he’s coming to make you feel like an overgrown child-man once again.
Surely the slew of Sonic games over the past twenty or so years are enough for you? Together, we’ve gone from Green Hill Zone to Metal Egg Stage 1, we’ve Spinballed and even been to the Winter Olympics with that filthy Italian, surely the only thing left is Sonic and Blue Flashing Ghost from Pac-Man go to Lidl.
But apparently the creators of all those Sonic games seem to not know how not to flog a dead Knuckles and are all set to release another instalment of their new series for every gaming device going, even Android devices, Windows phones and Sega Game Gear probably.
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When the first Uncharted game came out way back in 2007, it took us a while to buy it. It’s not Drake’s fault, it’s his big-titted predecessor Lara Croft, and the infuriating Tomb Raider series.
It’s not her big polygonal boobs, or the clipped British accent, or the fact that she’s so ridiculously minted she can afford to piss about, travelling the world and shooting a host of endangered species – it’s that the games she starred in were steaming piles of bear turd, with a terrible shooting dynamic.
Then, one day, with little interest for a new “treasure hunting” game, it dawned on everyone that Uncharted was a game where you could pretend to be Indiana Jones. What’s not to like about that?
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The FIFA franchise, no matter what your hooting sap chums say, is the greatest series of football (or soccer if you prefer) games, EVER.
Pro Evo barely registers on the scale in comparison (that said, it’s as pointless comparing the two as it is comparing Super Mario Bros. to eight slices of toast) as FIFA has always looked the part and been most consuming.
Shame it has had a uniformly terrible soundtrack, but you can’t have everything. Of course, the game is released today in North America and us European (in your pants) get it from the 29th Sep. So what can we look out for?
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Computer games are brilliant aren’t they? Designed by humans who are scared of the outside world, they open us up to a world of possibilities. As a child, your imagination and a few cardboard boxes let you create mystical worlds that provided continuous adventure.
Now electrical firms in Japan can do the same with a box full of microchips and technology that could enslave the human race.
Thanks to games, we can foil a terrorist plot before lunchtime. We’d never be able to do that in real life. Some games replicate our interests, especially football. Gutted you’re an obese mess, unable to play in the Premiership and can’t afford a super injunction. Thanks to FIFA, your thumbs do all of that. But it’s not always exciting stuff that gets converted into games. Dull, pointless and boring sports such as F1 also receive the digital treatment. Giving you the chance to drive around in a circle for a long period of time.
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The Games Workshop has stood as a shining beacon in town centres around the world as gathering spots for nerds, geeks and every available derisory word we can think of.
We don’t feel bad saying that because some of us hecklerspray writers (cough ahem) were included in that ‘nerdy’ few who devoted far too much time to the table top franchise [You're all perverts - Ed.].
For a number of years, table-top games have dared to jump from dice to the 21st century with several releases such as Space Hulk, Dawn of War, Fire Warrior but to little success except for inside pre-existing fan bases. Developer Relic Entertainment should however buck that trend with Space Marine, a gratifyingly violent third-person shooter/hack-n-slash combo that even non Games Workshop collectors can enjoy.
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Are you the kind of person who wants to ditch your normally boring mates and hang around with some celebrities instead? Of course you are. That’s all anyone really wants. Celebrities have helicopters and diamond socks while your awful mates have overdrafts and microwave meals.
If that’s the case then, you’ll be wanting to hang around with Snoop Dogg won’t you? You’ll be able to drop it like it’s hot, whatever it is.
And so, our new chums from Xbox and Ibiza Rocks are running a competition to make your dreams come true, and all you have to do is recall the best moments of summer. You have to keep reading this article as well though, you idle oaf.
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Dunderheaded, probably passed off as post-modernist satire, Duke Nukem is coming back in a bevvy of boobs, stupid weapons, grating asides and dreadful metal bands. Of course, those onside adore him. Everyone wonders why people still play first-person shooters.
Either way, there’s a fizzing excitement in the gaming world as Duke Nukem Forever looms. It is getting an international release from June 10th onward across everything apart from the Wii.
And now, there’s a pissing trailer which features lesbian schoolgirls, aliens, pole dancers, daft weapons and Duke’s infamous all-action hero voice. Basically, he’s the man Jason Statham has based his whole career on. Which is a terrifying prospect.
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Stan Lee is a God to millions of geeks everywhere and a seemingly harmless, eccentric old man to the rest of us. Lee is the former president and CEO of Marvel comics, the publisher that brought us such legends as Spiderman, the X Men and Squirrel Girl (seriously).
Why is a washed up old geek in the news I hear you ask? Well, apparently the great state of California is attempting to restrict the availability of violent video games. That is to say, the state governed by Arnold Schwarzenegger, a man who appeared in a boat load of violent films, most of which had videogame adaptations, thinks that games are bad and should be stopped before they harm the kiddywinks. Read More >>>
