Remember when Eva Longoria's husband Tony Parker was caught shagging that model he met at his wedding?

Well unremember it. It didn't happen. Yes, we know that X17 – the website that broke the story – published all sorts of saucy text messages allegedly from Tony Parker to this model, but they were faked. X17 has admitted that it was all twaddle of the highest order.

So how has X17 chosen to apologise for all the stress it's caused Eva Longoria and Tony Parker? By mumbling the most underwhelming apology in history. But at least it's an apology – we're still waiting for X17 to say sorry for making us think about Eva Longoria for any more than we absolutely have to.

It's the age-old story – boy meets girl, boy somehow remains oblivious to girl's inherent annoyingness, boy marries girl, boy meets pretty French model at own wedding, boy starts shagging model, wife remains annoying. It's a story that happens two, maybe three, hundred times every day.

But it definitely didn't happen to Eva Longoria and Tony Parker. Yes, we know that back in December there was that story about Tony Parker shagging the pretty French model Alexandra Paressant who he met at his wedding, but it was all a bunch of lies. X17 – the website that broke the story – has admitted that it was totally unfounded.

In fact, Tony Parker had never met Alexandra Paressant, nor had he sent her any filthy text messages as X17 claimed, nor was she even at the Tony Parker/ Eva Longoria wedding in the first place.

There was talk of Tony Parker wanting to sue X17 for $40 million for publishing these dastardly untruths, but X17 has had a better idea – instead of paying Eva Longoria and Tony Parker all that money, or apologising and actually meaning it, it'd just publish the crappiest and most insincere apology it could muster. TMZ reports:

X17 posted an apology Friday, saying, in part, "X17online.com and X7 [sic], Inc. regret having been misled by Ms. Paressant and her representatives and apologize to Mr. Parker for any damage or inconvenience this may have caused him or his wife." 

Yes, that should make up nicely for almost ripping a marriage apart. Well done chaps.

But at least Eva Longoria and Tony Parker's marriage is strong enough to withstand torrents of falsehoods like this – it looked as if Eva Longoria never once believed that Tony Parker would stray from her – although that might be more down to the alarmingly high self-regard she has than anything else.

And also, if the story about Tony Parker's affair is false, then the statements that Alexandra Paressant gave in her interview must have also been false. One of those statements was that Eva Longoria hated oral sex because she thought that sperm gave you acne, so that has to be false as well. Which means that Eva Longoria loves sperm and gets her way through a bucket of it every single day.

With a straw. She's not an animal.

Please don't sue us.

Read more:

X17's Apology — Greatest Understatement Ever – TMZ 

Eva Longoria's husband Tony Parker is denying that cheated on his wife with French model Alexandra Paressant so strongly that he's suing X17 for $40 million over it.

X17 is the picture agency that first published reports – along with text messages apparently proving it – that Tony Parker had slept with Alexandra Paressant after meeting her for the first time at his own wedding, partly because he was fed up about Eva Longoria yammering on about how sperm gives you acne all the time. But Tony Parker denies having sex with – or even ever meeting – this model so strenuously that he's after $40 million in damages.

Incidentally, if $40 million is the going rate for not having sex with models that you've never met, then we've estimated that we're owed roughly all the money in the whole wide world. Cash is fine. Or a cheque. Or food. Scraps of food. We're so hungry. Anyone?

When you're married to someone like Eva Longoria, as Tony Parker is, there's no need to cheat. With Eva Longoria you get to see that legendary cameltoe in its actual size instead of blown up so huge that the cosmonauts can see it, plus you get to experience that world-famous irritating narcissistic rasp all day, every day, non-stop, all the time until the day you die. Why would you even bother looking elsewhere?

Tony Parker knows that you definitely wouldn't, not at all, especially with French models that he's never even met before. But that didn't stop X17's website from publishing an interview with French model Alexandra Paressant where she claimed to have had a two-month affair with Tony Parker that started when Thierry Henry introduced the pair at Tony's wedding and ended when she discovered he was cheating on her with a third woman.

Alexandra Paressant also claimed that Eva Longoria doesn't like having sex in front of a mirror and thinks sperm gives you acne. Which it apparently does, as a sperm expert told us.

Eva Longoria and Tony Parker have already denied these claims – about the affair, not the jizz-acne – but now Tony Parker has taken things one step further, by suing X17 for $40 million over it. In the lawsuit, Tony Parker claims he doesn't even know who Alexandra Paressant is:

"This is false. It never happened. And X17 had to know that the story was false, or, at the very least, it had to have entertained serious doubts about the credibility of its supposed source. No one from X17 attempted to contact Mr. Henry, who … would have told them in no uncertain terms that this woman was not at the wedding. If this woman exists, he has no way of knowing whether she is one of the many fans who have, from time to time, managed to obtain his cell phone number and called or left messages or who may have engaged him in conversation."

So Tony Parker must be fairly certain that he didn't have a two-month affair with a French model, in which case good for him. This blistering denial will only help to keep his marriage to Eva Longoria rock-solid, or at least as rock-solid as a marriage can be when your wife is a self-absorbed midget with a voice like a toy dog impersonating a machine gun.

Read more:

Parker Sues Web Site That Claimed Affair – Associated Press