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X Factor

X Factor Review, Week 4 – Part 2 Fast, 2 Furious

by Sophie Hall

Right. RIGHT. So, the X Factor is still on. Here are the opening titles. Here’s Dermot O Leary’s voice hurriedly aired in from Skype. It’s time to face the music. No, not time to face the music and dance. You are mistaken. Just time to face the music.  Just maintain eye contact with the music [...]

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X Factor Review, Week 4: The Deathly Hallows Part 1

by Sophie Hall

So, ITV1 have given all their money away to wife beaters and rapists. This is the new way. As such, this essentially means you have to watch X Factor twice, because they can’t afford to make any new TV programmes. Thank god Kelly Rowland agreed to work overtime due to how much she believes in [...]

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Simon Cowell Has A Threesome, Hates Condoms And You Lose Your Lunch

by Mof Gimmers

Fancy puking your ring up? Then continue reading because we’ve got an image to place in your mind that no amount of brain bleach will remove. This is the kind of thing that will haunt you ’til the day you die. Simon Cowell has had a threesome. Imagine that. His flaccid moobs being gently slapped [...]

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Cowell To Be Demonic Godfather To Amanda Holden’s Baby

by Michael Park

Britain’s Got Talent, the nation’s premier talent contest attracts thousands of willing participants each year. From dancing dogs to fire-eaters, gymnasts to geriatrics, the show has everything people could possibly want on a Saturday evening. That is, apart from three judges with any discernable talent. Much has been made of BGT judge Michael McIntyre’s innate [...]

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28 Second Video Review Of Matt Cardle’s New Single ‘Run For Your Life’

by Mof Gimmers

Hurray! Matt Cardle – the guy who won last year’s X Factor, much to everyone’s antipathy – has a new record out! How exciting is that?! Of course, we’ve got big hopes for Matt because, not only can he sing in a really high pitched voice, but he can play guitar at the same time. [...]

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X Factor Week 3 Review: More People Insist On Wearing Denim And Making Loud Noises

by Sophie Hall

It’s week three, and we’re all still clinging on, like a shivering, frostbitten Leonardo Di Caprio desperately grasping hold of Kate Winslet’s plank. It’s kind of nice. We began with a rare montage of previous X Factor successes ‘dominating the charts’. Cher Lloyd, JLS and Olly Murs. Meanwhile, last year’s winner Matt Cardle is co-writing [...]

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Cheryl Cole Joins Twitter, World Implodes In Excitement

by Matthew Laidlow

Everything changes and develops into condensed shiny version. Even social networking has evolved. In the beginning we had MySpace, a tool where any idiot could upload appalling songs in the vain hope of being snapped up by a label. Facebook pinched the audience of MySpace, simplifying the clumsiness of its predecessor before Twitter cut out [...]

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X Factor Review, Episode 2: The One Where They All Did The Singing Again

by Sophie Hall

And here we are again. You all look so incredibly tired. So before we begin, let’s really think to ourselves – what do we really WANT from episode 2 of The X Factor 2011? Because so far, nobody has really got what they want, have they? Nobody really voluntarily asks for Kelly Rowland, for example. [...]

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Cher Lloyd Is A Monster, According To The Monstrous Louis Walsh

by Michael Park

On hecklerspray, as in life, sometimes it is necessary to choose sides. Sometimes it’s easy and you can choose a party who has been cheated on or lied to and who isn’t acting like an overgrown baby about every little thing. Then sometimes you just have to choose the lesser of two evils. When it’s [...]

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Simon Cowell Wants To Reanimate His Own Corpse

by Mof Gimmers

Should you be unlucky enough to live for the next 300 years, aside from the agony of reanimation, the clawing sense of disenfranchisement with our new ape leaders and, of course, the horrible realisation that you are a disappointment regardless of the time you live in, you might be on the end of a withering [...]

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