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X Factor

X Factor Review Week 15: Angina in Your Hand

by Sophie Hall

Well, what another hotbed of mayhem and violation of societal norms it’s been on the X Factor this week. Whatever you do, don’t let us go on and on about it, kay? This week on The X Factor, the sound editors got in an extra crate of Aftershock (Spiced Berry black, obviously. They’re not squares) [...]

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Americans Get Massively Offended By Steve Jones’ X Factor Comments Because They’re Big Babies

by Mof Gimmers

Americans are really touchy aren’t they? You say that their army are a bunch of gung-ho berks and they all start running their mouths off. You imply that they’re all nutters and they all start acting like nutters. You say something innocuous on a TV show and they all start crying. Honestly. Some superpower! It’s [...]

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Lewis Hamilton Still Loves Nicole Scherzinger, But Regrettably, Is Still As Interesting As A Mop Bucket

by Mof Gimmers

In 2011, sportsmen are not paid to be interesting. They’re paid huge sums to perform like androids and churn out cliches about ‘the team’ while showing absolutely no excitement for the field in which they perform. So in that case, Lewis Hamilton is the perfect modern sporting personality. Like many others, this crashing dullery saw [...]

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Gary Barlow Thinks Modern Pop Videos Are Too Sexual (Take That Would Never Do Such A Thing!)

by Mof Gimmers

Gary Barlow has always shared a certain stuffiness of his namesake, Ken Barlow. He was always something of a curmudgeon in the world of the boy band, and as he gets older, he’s showing no signs of changing. Grumping into view, Barlow has criticised modern pop videos, saying that they’re just too rude. You wouldn’t [...]

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Is Kelly Rowland Ditching UK X Factor For USA, Boo Boo?

by Mof Gimmers

This year, the UK version of the X Factor has gone through some serious changes. For starters, there’s no Simon Cowell with his rolling eyes and odd man-baps on the judging panel. Cheryl Cole vanished too, leaving us with Gary Barlow, Tulisa and Kelly Rowland to sit with the increasingly distressing Louis Walsh. Tulisa, who [...]

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X Factor Review, Week 14: IT’S 4 YEAR OLD ULTIMATELY UNAVOIDABLE GUMMO JOKES WEEK

by Sophie Hall

Alright guys. First thing’s first. Here’s a paragraph about maths, and the fun that maths brings. It’s Week 14 of The X Factor now, and basically that’s quite an astonishing amount of wasted time. But the big BIG question is: Just how much astonishing amount of wasted time?  WELL FRIENDS, by the hands of Pythagorean law, [...]

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Caroline Flack Gets Death Threats From Clearly Insane One Direction Fans

by Mof Gimmers

Uh-oh! Caroline Flack is getting received death threats from Harry Styles’ fans after it was revealed that the pair have been on some dates. What is it with young women and their penchant for sending death threats? WHY HAVEN’T WE HAD ANY? DO WE HAVE TO HAVE SEX WITH A YOUNG MAN TO DO SO? [...]

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X Factor Set To Ruin More Film Themes But Not If We Had Our Way

by Robin Darke

THIS WEEK! ITS TIME! TO SING! SONGS FROM MOVIES! And probably not do a very good job at them. It’s ‘Movie Week’ everybody. That’s song from films that have been released in the old cinema. Past year’s have had some truly terrifying performances, like Olly Murs waggling his penis to ‘Twist And Shout,’ Joe McElderry [...]

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Dead Musicians Are In The Running For This Year’s Christmas Number One

by Matthew Laidlow

Christmas; what a wonderful time of year. Already, town and city centres are awash with twinkling neon as they light up vomit fuelled streets and alleyways. Until Jesus’ birthday approaches, we’ll be gorging on advent calendars, cheap sherry and telling carol singers to bugger off. Everyone experiences the same Christmas traditions. Mum will blame dad [...]

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One Direction Want To Date Their Fans But Probably Not You

by Michael Park

Remember One Direction from last year’s X Factor? Those fresh-faced lads that got all the way to the final by being cheeky, having a lark and bonking Rebecca Ferguson? Yeah, the ones that are a bit like The Risk. How quickly you forget. They’re looking forward to releasing their new album but, being teenage boys [...]

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