Despite the rumours that persist about Ashley Cole, he went and got married to Cheryl from Girls Aloud (despite the rumours that persist about her too). All was going swimmingly until Ashley started fooling around.
Overnight, the heartache meant that Cheryl Cole because the people’s princess. We forgot all about that toilet attendant business. Ashley Cole was public enemy number one!
And so, after a quiet spell, Chezza is back with a new song called Screw You and, well, while there’s no official word on it, it does sound a lot like a barbed attack on a certain ex husband. And the lyrics are rather fruity too!
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Leave it! Two two’s naaah! Tulisa Contostavlos is fleeing the UK to hide away in the US after being repeatedly mocked over her sex tape with MC Ultra. Mainly because she doesn’t appear to be very good at giving gobbles.
The X Factor judge is planning to escape by heading to Miami to visit Terius Nash (or, The-Dream to you) who clearly doesn’t have the clout to be sarcastic about her sex tape and indeed, mustn’t have an internet connection like the rest of America.
So what’s The Female Boss (Female Nosh more like) saying about it all?
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Sinitta wants Simon Cowell to move house after an intruder was found in his wardrobe covered in blood. Sinitta probably thought she was the only person who was allowed to be found hiding in his house, acting like a lunatic.
The leaf-wearing maniac dated Simon in the ’80s and has remained his close friend ever since, mainly by sheer persistence.
She’s now very worried for Cowell and thinks he’s not safe where he lives and wants him to get the blue hell outta there. She also thinks it’s all about her. No, seriously.
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The day we’ve all dreaded has finally arrived at the hecklerspray bedsit: The day when Jessie J finally strong arms her way into our primetime TV schedule and makes a complete fool of herself in her quest for some sort of acceptance from everyone.
And all the while, making Will. I. Am look normal. Which is an achievement. Even Fergie didn’t manage that and she looks like a duck mated with Jennifer Lopez. That’s one freaky looking woman.
Undoubtedly Jessie J is going to be the one to watch on The Voice for a number of reasons. She loves the sound of own voice so much rumour has it that they’re going to elope this Summer and sell the rights to OK! magazine. She always wears totally ridiculous outfits that, if nothing else, frame her vagina. Why would anyone want to do that? It’s like putting Predator in an Elizabethan ruff. She also likes to think that she’s down with the kids so we’ll have lots of stupid catchphrases that will break Twitter at some point during Saturday night.
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Hey! You know how absolutely EVERYBODY knew that Tulisa was the star of that sex tape? Well guess what? She’s gone and done a video confession.
In fact, her video confession looks like the kind of thing you see on the news when a hostage is pleading for their life… but we digress.
Anyway, if you click over the jump, you can watch her talking about it. Sadly, an engorged member doesn’t hit her on the forehead throughout this one.
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We’ve all seen the ALLEGED Tulisa sextape by now, haven’t we? If you have she’s ALLEGEDLY not very good at blow-jobs. And she ALLEGEDLY likes hitting herself on her ALLEGED forehead with a penis.
Anyway, it’s all gone a bit mental and injunctions have been taken out, Dappy has said it was definitely her in the video and that it was bandmate Fazer who had his widger on show.
So what does Fazer have to say about it? Well, in a baffling missive, Fazer has vented on twitter in such a manner that he may well have been typing with his cockie.
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This failing planet is filled with a dying species called Humans. They’ll listen to any ol’ tosh. Just take the news that One Direction have become the first UK pop group to debut at number one on the US album chart.
We look to America for guidance and every single time, we catch them with their trousers down, eating grease burgers on the can, burping at their ballbags and throwing a shrug.
Meanwhile, Harry Style’s continues his bid to take over the entire world while he has sex with all the women three times his age. These are worrying times.
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So, Tulisa has a sex tape does she? Of course, lawyers are saying it isn’t her (although the video contains someone with the exact same DNA as the X Factor judge, it seems) and everyone is hastily taking down stills from the video.
That’d be the video which has Tulisa’s dead-ringer sucking what appears to be (actually is) an engorged male member. Apparently, the phallus whacks her on the forehead at one point, which is always nice.
But of course, legally speaking, it isn’t her… despite what Dappy – her bandmate and cousin – said on twitter, dropping her right in it. Just think of that. Watching your cousin’s sex tape. How very, very tasteful.
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