X Factor Recap: Toodleoo, Rachel Adedeji X Factor's Rock Night on Saturday wasn't very good for Rachel Adedeji, because it finally saw them get the boot from the show. But they didn't get the worst deal of it. No, that would be us. Because we had to watch the poxy thing. Honestly, we think 'Rock Night' might have been a typo - surely it was really called Cock Night or Suck Night or Let's Transparently Try And Make Jamie Look Better Than He Actually Is Night. Yick. Anyway, let's have a bit of an X Factor recap, shall we?

X Factor Plebs To Release Michael Jackson Song What do Michael Jackson and STDs have in common? They are both annoying and won't go away. No matter how much you itch, apply cream and shower. Oh, that might just be our crabs. Genuinely, we thought Michael Jackson’s This Is It film would be the last from him. We’d get to laugh at the fake footage of him jumping from bridges, swinging from buildings and making fans believe he wasn’t drugged up and close to being in a coma. Now we’ve heard word that Michael Jackson is making a technical comeback with this year’s X Factor monkeys. All for charity of course. Like that helps.

X Factor Recap: Oh, Bye Then Miss Frank Time for us to recap X Factor - the show so preposterous that it makes 2012 look like a low-budget Scandinavian arthouse film about lesbians. As you probably saw last night Miss Frank became the latest contestant to leave X Factor. And it was a shock - specifically because the British public had the chance to forget about Danyl Johnson forever, and they blew it. Idiots. Anyway, Saturday's X Factor was Big Band night, which is historically the least unbearable show of the series. So let's have a little recap, shall we?

X Factor Recap: Oh Dear, That’s Ricky Loney Done For Last night Ricky Loney was eliminated from X Factor. Hopefully you didn't form a close attachment to him. Oh, of course you didn't - he was arse-awful. But aside from that gigantic inevitability, what else happened on X Factor this weekend? Well, Whitney Houston was the guest mentor, so the theme was obviously Diva Night. We heard it was going to be Ludicrous Former Crack-Addict Hasbeens Who Need Weird-Haired Frank Butcher Lookalike Sidekicks To Keep Them Upright, but that was found to be slightly too niche. Anyway, how did the X Factor contestants do this weekend? Time for that recap you've all been waiting for...

The Cheryl Cole Won’t-Sing-Live Conundrum Solved! Some of you might have noticed that over the course of the Rocky films, the gravel-voiced trainer with the face like a seriously chewed piece of gum never got into the ring. He'd happily bark at Sly Stallone, calling him a loser, telling him what to do, but that was it. And the reason was simple - if he'd stepped up to Apollo Creed himself, the old man would have be dead before he hit the floor. It's a story that now echoes the life of Cheryl Cole. Everyone seems to have been going bananas over the last few days, as Cole has wriggled and wormed her way out of performing her new solo song live on Saturday night's X Factor, even though she mentors a gaggle of live singers week in week out. And we all know why. She knows why. Literally everyone knows why. Yet, no one seems comfortable acknowledging that it's the right move.

Leona Lewis Slapped By Man With Too Much Free Time Leona Lewis was attacked at a booksigning event yesterday, and this has raised some important questions. Like how did it happen? Was there enough of a security presence? Why on Earth would anyone stand in line for five hours just so that they can hit Leona Lewis on the side of the head? Haven't they got anything better to do? Do people actually care enough about Leona Lewis to attack her? What the hell is Leona Lewis doing writing a book anyway? What's it called, My Year And A Bit Of Being The World's Dreariest Pop Star? All important questions. None of them will be answered below.

X Factor Recap: That’s Kandy Rain Gone, Then Good news - the X Factor live finals are back! Better news - Kandy Rain were kicked off. Jesus on a stick, they were crap.

But, hey, at least X Factor is back, and keeping current, too - one week after the Strictly Come Dancing racism row, Dannii Minogue decided to kick off an X Factor homophobia row of her own. We can’t wait for Dancing On Ice to return now because, if the pattern holds, Philip Schofield might just say something horrifying about Albanians. But anyway, how did the X Factor contestants do? Let’s have a wonderful recap, shall we?

Eau de Simon Cowell: The Stench of Exploitation What's that smell? Could it be the subtle scent of talentless TV exploitation, the overwhelming fragrance of WAG or the clover-hinted odour of small-man's syndrome? Freshen up like a pointless media middleman with four new fragrances from X Factor. You're bound to get lucky if you smell like a TV talent show judge, and nothing says 'I love you' like rating your partner's performance in the sack. No, really, the X Factor judges are all getting their own perfumes. You'll be able to buy them in time for Christmas and everything.