Rap troll, Lil Wayne is going to release his prison diaries, just in time for next Christmas. That’ll be a nice present for your nana won’t it? In it, he’ll probably talk to God a lot while simultaneously glamorising his pretend ‘thug’ lifestyle.

But will he be mentioning the poundings he took around the anus while in the prison showers? We do hope so, because that would be refreshingly charming!

The book will be titled ‘Gone Till November’ and will be based around the diaries he kept while in the clink. This puts Wayne in the same company as Nelson Mandela and… uh… Jeffrey Archer.

Little Wayney Wayne spent eight months on Rikers Island on gun charges. Basically, he thought he’d do something original and be a rapper with a gun. Seriously. What a git. Cops just love pulling over black people and searching them for weed or firearms – you’d think they’d be a little more wary, right?

Ben Greenberg, of Grand Central publish (who, duh, are putting the book out), said:

“We are thrilled to be publishing Wayne’s prison memoir. He kept detailed journals of his inner and outer life while he was on Rikers Island, and they certainly tell a story. They are revealing.”

Revealing how? Like his lyrics? Such as…

“I admire your poppin’ bottles and pimpin’ just as much as you admire bartending and strippin’.”

and

“I said he’s so sweet, make her wanna lick the wrapper – so I let her lick the rapper.”

This book is going to be amazing, obviously. Up there with Chaucer and Bridget Jones’ Diary. Of course, he’s going to be detailing all his thoughts and feelings, but if that’s the case, this should be more of a pamphlet than a book.

Still, it’ll give numskulls something to read away from Sports Illustrated and FHM when they’re on the pan.

People are really, very very stupid. They’ve always fallen for the oldest trick in the book and, wanting to eschew the popular kids and good-looking folk, they’ve adored those who trade in false-modesty. The ‘I’m crap like you too!’ brigade.

Then, best of all, when the facade slips, the falsely modest get a hot girlfriend and have the temerity to be happy and in love. This sends fans into a jealous slump, picking holes in the work of their former fave. They’ve changed! They’re not as funny as they used to be! How dare they hang around with celebrities!

In other news, Charlie Brooker is about to become a father to a shrieking baby with Konnie Huq who he loves more than all of you goons put together. Awww!

That’s right. Your daydreams of being able to prise Brooker away from Konnie Huq (you want to steal him because you ‘understand’ him more than a Blue Peter presenter could, right? You get him don’t you? Not like the rest. You properly, properly get him) are currently being defecated on as she harvests his child inside her.

That’s right! Charlie Brooker, the person you thought lived in perpetual darkness before his television, unhappy and distrusting of the world is actually a man who has a woman he loves, a very healthy bank balance, a man who enjoys running (he even wrote about how much he likes to keep fit!), a man who bought a Mac after saying he hated them, a man SETTLING DOWN WITH A CHILD?!

HOW DARE HE!

Next you’ll be finding out that, long before you started your inner backlash, Charlie Brooker isn’t nearly as awkward as his comedic persona! What? He met Chris Morris at a dinner party… eating sushi… surrounded by other celebrities… which saw Nathan Barley hitting our screens? THAT DOESN’T MAKE SENSE! WE LIKED HIM THEN! NO! HE DIDN’T! HE WAS AT HOME… ALONE… LIKE ME… ON THE INTERNET… CRYING.

Nope. Konnie will be having a baby in Easter apparently and her agent, Jonathan Shalit says:

“Konnie is telling friends how happy she and Charlie are.”

This must be awful for you. Simply awful. Just think of it. That bloke you’re really fond of has gone and betrayed you by becoming fulfilled and contented.

Terrible. At least we’ve still got David Mitchell who totally isn’t happily in a relationship with Victoria Coren, eh?

Over at the hecklerspray bedsit, we’ve been getting a little bit worried about our favourite singing foetus, Justin Bieber. We genuinely thought that the little runt had burnt himself out after constant album promotion, touring and trying to work out how Selena Gomez’s vagina works.

Apparently not though: Justin has still found the time to record a new, undoubtedly woeful, track with buck-toothed punching enthusiast Chris Brown.

Instead of recording rubbish new songs, it seems that Justin Bieber has been working to exploit other gaps in the market. Basics such as posters, cutlery and blenders have probably been covered. So now he’s taking the plunge into perfume (not literally, you understand).

With young female fans normally moistening their front bottoms while thinking about Bieber, it seems a logical move to suggest that they moisten some other areas of their body with his pungent signature scent. From initial sales figures, it appears that bottles are flying off the shelves (and not just from us throwing them on the ground).

But hold on a second, we know what you’re thinking. Why the hell would anyone over the age of fourteen be interested in buying this fragrance? We’d use it to mask the putrid stench of our dead pet dog but beyond that, is there really any need for an adult to buy it? Can’t think a reason? Then perhaps the advert for “Someday” will give you one:

Most perfume adverts are gash. They just feature anorexic women who seem to spend most of their time posturing in the direction of men who inevitably turn out to be on fire. Justin Bieber doesn’t quite share the same target market. Because his fans are juvenile enough to still believe in the tooth fairy, Santa and the Easter bunny Bieber can pretty much get away with anything.

That’s pretty much what he’s done, not once but twice. Girls everywhere will now be under the illusion that once they throw on his smelly water, the midget Canadian will burst through their windows so they can be together. If popstars of the past had known about this, the world we live in today might be a grim and eerie place. Just imagine if Gary Glitter and Michael Jackson had the knowledge of that sort of fragrance-based pulling power.

More importantly though, the power of “Someday” seems to give you the power of flight! For decades, mankind has dreamt of being able to fly, either using a hoverboard, trainers or a comedy jetpack that will probably result in death when the user propels themselves straight into the side of a building but it seems that all of these are to be confined to the realms of science fiction.

That’s right, a quick squirt of Justin Bieber’s essence seems to be the solution to the problem of individual powered flight that scientists have been wrestling with for years. Sci-fi geeks will be licking their lips in anticipation at being able to copy their heroes such as Spiderman. Though they’ll have to make their own jizz-like spider goo. Shouldn’t be a problem…

There is probably a simpler reason to explain the flying caused by the perfume. The dodgy factory that manufactured Justin Bieber’s “Someday” fragrance laced the bottles with LSD, providing each wearer with the mind bending experience of thinking that they might- Someday- receive oral sex from the Biebernator himself.

Chance would be a fine thing.

It looks like there’s going to be a fair wait until Batman 3 pops its fat head out for us all to see.

The sequel to the Best Film Ever(tm) that has made more money than the GDP of many African nations combined, The Dark Knight, will get a sequel at some point. On one hand, who would blame the studio? It’s a licence to print money. On the same hand but slightly tilted, the vast majority of people who have seen the first two films actually want a sequel, seeing as both Batman Begins and the more recent helping were utterly brilliant.

Oh, plus Christian Bale isn’t going to be put in the slammer for three hundred years, or thereabouts.

But David S. Goyer, writer of the screenplay for both films, has other things to do for quite a while, so you plebians are going to have to wait a while for your next hit of Gotham’s favourite vigilante.

No, it would seem that in the great scheme of things, Goyer has what we sometimes like to call ‘a life outside Batman’. Hard to believe, but true nonetheless. His writing credits stretch far and wide, so as much as you out there in people land want a quick follow up to The Dark Knight, it ain’t gonna happen for a while.

Speaking to MTV, Goyer moved his lips and made some vibrations, which produced sounds of a certain type, conducted in a certain order. On paper, they look like this:

“I’m writing a new version of ‘The Invisible Man’ for Universal. I’m in the process of doing ['Invisible Man'] right now, and I’m working with some conceptual artists in tandem with writing the script. I’m actually working with one of the artists from ‘Batman Begins’ and ‘The Dark Knight.’”

David continued this strange and mystical feat of producing language through his oral cavity, informing MTV of how he saw his version of The Invisible Man taking shape:

“My take is kind of an extrapolation. It actually deals with a nephew of the first character…It involves Scotland Yard getting their hands on the current Invisible Man and basically saying, ‘Wow, you’d be a really good secret agent to send into Imperial Russia right now’. It starts off from there… I don’t want to give too much away, but I took what being invisible could mean to the next logical extreme. We do a lot of crazy things in it that are sort of far beyond what anyone’s done with it yet.”

But it doesn’t stop there – well, his words did, but his career didn’t – with Goyer also in line to write and direct the second installment of X-Men Origins, this one being about everybody’s favourite metal-bending oldie Magneto.

So it would seem that one of the main creative forces behind The Dark Knight won’t be returning to the franchise for a while. That’s okay, we can accept that. In fact, it gives us all the chance to see what happens in the meantime – in the space of a few years we can see how the ‘curse’ of the movie affects the cast and crew. More death? More car crashes? More probably-not-actually-pushing-your-mum?

The possibilities are endless. Well, not literally endless, but there are a lot of possibilities. And hopefully David S Goyer will see sense and dumb down Batman 3, for Robert Downey Jr’s sake.