Hello. Are you a Westlife fan, troubled by the news that your Princes are going away to enjoy their moneyed-lives with their families and friends? Are you worried that there will suddenly be a void of mawkish, soaring ballads to sooth you while you self-harm in a bath of ice?
It’s bad news we’re afraid.
Westlife’s members have confirmed that the musical equivalent of an itchy jumper are unlikely to ‘do a Take That’ and get back together in a few years. Is it because Take That were always more relevant to pop music or is it because the Boyzone tribute market isn’t as lucrative as it once was? Who knows. Certainly not us.
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This week’s list.
Folded:
Creased:
- Quantum of Solace teaser trailer (from the looks of this, Daniel Craig is just going to be thumping everyone he meets for two-plus hours)
- Star Wars: The Clone Wars (enough, George. Enough)
- The X-Factor (enough, Simon. Enough)
- This guy (God knows what his lady is so proud of)
- Karen Taylor and her belt collection (she wears a giant one for every single sketch in her show. Maybe to make her knockers look big, maybe because she’s a bit of a bloater)
This week’s uppers and downers.
Folded:
- Prawn cocktail Pringles (these really make sense)
- I Kissed a Girl by Katy Perry (annoying toy lesbian or taking the piss? Probably taking the piss, so laugh)
- Madonna’s jiggly boobs in the 4 Minutes video (okay, so we’re not Nuts magazine, but we’ve got eyes)
- Genuine Childs (they guys composed the menu music for The Bourne Identity DVD, just in case you were wondering)
- The XXIX Olympiad (numbingly compulsive. Quick, badminton is on!)
Creased:
- The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor (the curse of Rob Cohen strikes again)
- Overuse of metaphors on The Hotel Inspector voiceover (about a former-lighthouse B&B: ‘The owners are all at sea’, ‘About to enter choppy waters’ or ‘The bathroom is flushed for success’)
- Bad news about Paul Newman (83 year old smoker or not, this sucks for a Hollywood legend. That’s right, legend. No exaggeration)
- Fat beauty queens (wow, look at the girl in white – she’s MASSIVE!)
- Alexander O’Neal (recently on Celebrity Wife Swap. Believe the hype! From twenty years ago)
Forget your Fellinis, Godards, Spielbergs and David Leans, this article is dedicated to those directors who have really scraped the cinematic barrel to deliver us some of the worst movies imaginable.
Except they’re not the ones behind Jaws: The Revenge, the 1976 version of King Kong or Flashdance – no, these are ‘name’ directors, the ones who have by now been cemented as the worst of their kind.
The difference is that most of those mentioned below have arguably, at one time or another, had a good movie in them – it was the films that followed that secured their reputations for being among the worst famous directors ever.
Read and weep boys…
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Why can’t musicians simply be happy with playing music? Why do they insist on this misguided notion they are not simply musicians, but rather ‘performers’, ‘artists’ or, even worse, ‘entertainers’?
What’s so wrong with being called a musician? Does it not pay the rent anymore? Do you have to get another job as an actor just to make your ends meet? Times are hard for multi-millionaire rock stars, you know. Playing a guitar nicely and singing some catchy lyrics is not a bad living, but you can’t retire on it. And, of course, what the world really wants is more shit actors.
Well hecklerspray has had enough. It’s time to name and shame the worst offenders…
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They may be talented vocal artists on the music front but as actors on the big screen they are largely an embarrassing cinematic presence. There are exceptions, (Cher's an Oscar winner for instance) but these are few and far between.
So let us present to you the top 10 worst singer celluloid performances by musicians who frankly knew they really stunk as actors but signed up for the goddamn movie anyway…
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