And, with a brand new album of all the songs Timbaland hasn’t already sold to Nelly Furtado or Justin Timberlake or Ashlee Simpson in stores, it was only a matter of time before Madonna decided to go travelling round the world charging her fans a month’s wages to go and see her in concert.

Sure enough, Madonna has just released details of her new world tour. However, Madonna hasn’t publicly stated whether it’ll be one of those nice world tours where she sings all the old songs that people want her to sing or one of those rubbish tours where she only sings her rubbish new songs and everyone leaves feeling gypped yet, so don’t get your hopes up.

It’s always exciting when Madonna plays live, because you never know what you’re going to get.

No, we don’t mean that Madonna has an eye for visual flair and a back catalogue stretching back 25 years to choose from – we mean that when a lady of her age dances around in a leotard for two hours night after night, it’s just a matter of time before she has some kind of disgusting uterovaginal prolapse in front of everyone. In essence, a Madonna concert ticket is just a lottery ticket where the prize is a glimpse of her partially eviscerated bowel.

And it’s certainly a very successful lottery, because last time Madonna went on tour she made more money than any woman ever – so much money that she could afford a brand new toilet seat for every time she peed or pooped. That’s a standard of luxury that any multimillionaire environmental campaigner should be proud of.

So, when the rewards are as great as these, it’s no surprise that Madonna has decided to set out on tour again. After all, she’s got a new album out, and those poorly-reviewed songs won’t promote themselves, no matter how often they allude to Guy Ritchie’s pecker.

Which is why Madonna has announced the Sticky And Sweet tour – a 27-date jaunt around Europe and America. People reports:

Madonna will kick off her “Sticky and Sweet” world tour on Aug. 23 in Cardiff, Wales, the 49-year-old pop star announced Wednesday. The aptly-titled tour follows the release of her latest chart-topping album Hard Candy. After Cardiff, the tour will continue through Europe, making stops in France, Germany, the Netherlands and Italy, as well as elsewhere in the U.K., including a Sept. 11 performance at London’s Wembley Stadium.

Ticket prices, in the UK at least, are £55 for Wales and £65 for Wembley. It’s a lot of money, but can you really put a price on seeing a woman two decades past her best clinging forlornly to her lost youth by dancing around in a vastly unsuitable outfit?

Yes you can – haven’t you ever been to a pikey nightclub on Divorcee Night? By that standard, Madonna’s tickets are actually quite steep – plus the chances of you scoring a grubbily desperate one-off sexual encounter that’ll make you nauseous every time you think about it for the rest of your life aren’t quite as high.

We’re just kidding, of course – Madonna knows the importance of spectacle better than anyone else. Her last tour wouldn’t have been nearly as successful if she hadn’t have crucified herself on a glittery cross in the middle of her show and made the Pope all angry. The big question is how Madonna will be able to top that.

It’s difficult to find something more religiously offensive than a mock crucifixion, that’s for sure. But not impossible. All it’d take is a large picture of the Prophet Muhammad, a catapult and several fisfuls of animal dung and Madonna would be right back in the centre of everyone’s attention again. But we’re sure Madonna’s already thought of that.

Read more:

Madonna World Tour Kicks Off in August – People

That's because Jimmy Page has personally assured the public that Led Zeppelin will definitely tour the world really soon. The whole world. All of it. Even crap countries like Denmark.

And by that we mean that Jimmy Page has mumbled a couple of noncommittal words about Led Zeppelin eventually going on some sort of tour, but not for ages and actually he's not even going to think about it for six months anyway, but that's pretty much the same thing.

Just like people ask "Where were you when JFK was shot?" and "Where were you when Diana died?" people are now asking "Where were you when that old band from the 1970s got back together and played a bunch of really self-indulgent songs about wizards and runes and cobblers like that?" because that's how momentous the Led Zeppelin comeback was.

Even though it was for a few fleeting hours in December, the Led Zeppelin reunion concert had a profound effect on everyone – all the music reviewers in the world had to dig out their big book of ridiculously-overblown metaphors and even little Paolo Nutini wanted to join in, even though it's obvious to all that he'll never be much more than a soggy-knickered spatula.

And, although it was just a one-off show, the fans around the world who weren't able to get tickets for the O2 show all hoped that it'd kickstart a desire within Led Zeppelin to take the show on the road. That was dashed when Robert Plant said he'd prefer to do his fiddle-di-dee solo stuff in the world's greatest barns, and everyone went back to being resigned to a lifetime of watching a taped VHS of Led Zeppelin at Live Aid with a scrunched-up face.

But no! Because Led Zeppelin really are going to go on tour again! All around the world! Probably! Subject to approval from the band members in a meeting that isn't even going to happen until August anyway! The Telegraph reports:

Speaking to promote the band’s Mothership Greatest Hits album in Japan, [Jimmy Page] said: “We did the show and it was great. It was exhilarating, fantastic, every week was a week to look forward to. I can assure you the amount of work that we put into the O2, for ourselves rehearsing and the staging of it, was probably what you put into a world tour.” Chris Goodman, from The Outside Organisation, who look after the band’s PR, said: “Jimmy has said that the band will be meeting up in August to talk about it. “The band meet all the time. There is something in it but I can’t give you any more news at the moment.”

So it's all, um, perfectly… wait a minute, Jimmy Page said the words 'world tour' but not actually in relation to a Led Zeppelin world tour at all. That's a bit rubbish.

Of course, much of the problem in Jimmy Page rushing off and formally announcing a Led Zeppelin reunion lies with Robert Plant, who's thought to be reluctant to go out and sing the same songs over and over again night after night, especially when he's got a folky country album to promote.

But demand is so high for there to be a Led Zeppelin world tour that the band could change whatever they wanted and it'd still all sell out in the blink of an eye, so the financial projections for the proposed tour must be huge. And if there's anything that'll win Robert Plant round to touring, it's the promise that ticket sales will be able to buy him that solid gold one-stringed banjo he's always wanted.

Read more:

Led Zeppelin 'considering world tour' – Telegraph