Robert Dewey Hoskins, who probably writes for hecklerspray for all we know, was sentenced to 10 years in the clink in 1996 after being arrested for scaling a wall around Madonna’s home (impressive enough in itself) before threatening to slit her throat.

Seriously. We know her music isn’t as good as it used to be, but even we think that’s a bit much.

Anyway, understandably, Madge thought that this was all rather upsetting, and ended up testifying during Hoskins’ trial, saying that she had nightmares about the homeless man from Oregon after he kept appearing near her house. THE GOOD NEWS? He’s on the loose again!

Madonna’s bodyguard told her that Hoskins claimed she was supposed to be his wife. Guy Ritchie must’ve been thrilled at the news. Alas, Madonna said that her stalker said…

“if he couldn’t have me, he was going to slice my throat from ear to ear.”

The tale climaxed when Hoskins scaled the perimeter wall of her house, jumped into her pool and got shot twice by a security guard.

He sounds like a real character doesn’t he?

After prison, Hoskins went to a special hospital. When he was let loose into the public, he found himself getting arrested again and sent to yet another ‘facility’.

And the best bit is that, last Friday, Hoskins walked off undetected and hasn’t been since. He’s probably shouting at traffic or something. Mercifully for Hoskins, he’s got loose just in time for Madonna’s latest comeback! How thrilling for him! Alas, the police describe him as “highly psychotic”, extremely violent and should not be approached by members of the public.

You’ll be able to spot him because he’ll be the one who smells strongly of urine, singing all the words to Ray Of Light.

Okay. Credit where credit is due: Madonna’s halftime show at the Super Bowl was pretty brilliant. That’s even taking into account that LMFAO showed up and the always disappointing MIA flipped the bird in an attempt to show her terrible hipster fans that she hadn’t ‘sold out’.

And so, if the Super Bowl show was anything to go by, Madge’s announcement that she will be going on a tour of the world should be met with some excitement.

Provided of course, her new LP (dubbed ‘MDNA’) isn’t a gigantic brown trout of a release.

Madge will go on tour from May, starting in Israel (can’t see her causing loads of trouble there) before moving on to Europe, with legs in South America and Australia, where she has not performed for 20 years.

The 2012 World Tour will be the first jaunt for someone we’re legally obliged to call ‘Material Girl’ at least once in this article since her “Sticky & Sweet Tour” in 2008/9. She’ll be stopping off in cities including London, Edinburgh, Paris, Milan, Abu Dhabi and Berlin.

The tour starts on May 29th in Tel Aviv, then buggers off to Abu Dhabi and Istanbul in early June. Then, she’ll take her circus to Europe, which concludes on August 21st in Nice, France.

The North American, South American and Australian legs don’t have dates yet, so stop stomping your feet and whinging about it. She just likes the Middle East and Europe best, okay?

Either way, if her new album turns out to be a howler, at least she’s got a very impressive back-catalogue to lean on.

Failing that, she can just hire a young popstar to come on-stage with her and make a vaguely rude hand gesture or, better yet, she can try and outdo her Britney-kiss and have full-on, fisting sex with Adele or something.

And who wouldn’t want to see that?

Charlie Sheen’s Violent Torpedo Of Truth tour has been hobbling around America, confusing and dumbfounding people and making people too thick to think titter every stinkin’ time he wheels out the whole ‘Uh, winning!‘ thing.

Until now, this dreadful spectacle has been confined to the boundaries of mainland America… but not for long. That’s because Sheeno is planning on hauling his pasty backside all over the world where, with any luck, he’ll find out just how tiresome humans find him.

And while he’s at it, he’s violating terms of his custody agreement, which could see him hilariously losing the right to see his long-suffering kiddiewinks. Defeat, it would appear, is most certainly an option.

During a radio interview, Charlie says:

“Why don’t I take this thing on the road to Australia, parts of Europe, parts of Asia. If I pick out six cities over two weeks and if it wasn’t about violent torpedoes and truth seeking but more about an evening with Charlie Sheen, if I told people what to expect maybe they wouldn’t heckle me like the drunk clowns that they are.”

What a big, wailing baby. Still, glad his US tour is over, he had some words for us European In Your Pants types.

“It would seem like the European mentalities would give me a little more time and a little more patience to actually listen and embrace a format like that, where they come in knowing what to expect.”

And what we can all expect is jokes about Brooke Mueller which violate the terms of their divorce agreement, which could land him in the courts. Again.

Sheen says:

“I am teaching them words, because they’re speaking now. I’m teaching them the word ‘rehab’ so they always know where their mom is.”

A source spills that Brooke isn’t too thrilled at all this, saying:

“Under the terms of their divorce settlement, Charlie isn’t allowed to publicly speak about Brooke in any negative way, and Mueller is convinced he is violating that agreement. Charlie is saying thing that she believes are an attempt to make her look like a bad mother and she’s had enough of it.”

In fairness to Charlie though, she is in rehab for being a nut case. In fairness to Brooke, Sheen is as mental as a cupboard filled with laughing gravy.

Those poor children.

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter or join our Facebook group or BUY ONE OF OUR STUPID T-SHIRTS!

Guns N’ Roses’ bloated and abhorred frontman and only original member Axl Rose appears to have had yet another meltdown, this time announcing the cancellation of his entire world tour.

Not content with alienating himself from his bandmates, making the most expensive flop in music history, delaying any and all Guns N’ Roses output however he can as well as routinely showing up late for and randomly cancelling shows, Rose may have just decided to go all out and cancel every show he plans to play in the entire world!

The news broke last night after a message appeared on Rose’s Twitter account that read, “All upcoming Guns N’ Roses dates are officially cancelled. Please contact your place of purchase for any refunds.”

Brilliantly, Rose seems to have announced this without telling his band, which is hardly surprising given his track record. The band have put out a tweet that says they’re, “looking into,” the validity of the tweet from Rose’s account.

This tells us one of two things: either the band believe the tweet is fake or (more likely) no one involved with Guns N’ Roses is important enough to ask the megalomaniacal frontman whether or not he sent this tweet out, unless they did and he was slumped on the floor gurgling and trying not to choke on his own vomit.

There is still the chance that Rose had his Twitter account hacked. It is possible, after all, Paramore lead singer Hayley Williams claimed she had been hacked after topless pictures of her were sent out from her account.

Whether the announcement from Rose about the cancellation of the entire Guns N’ Roses Chinese Democracy World Tour is true or not, you can count on one thing. Slash is loving this.

UPDATE – Apparently Axl Rose’s Twitter account really was hacked. The tour is back on, at least until Axl changes his mind for real. We give it a fortnight.

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter

Madonna might turn 50 in a matter of months, but so long as she’s still a voice and a working fanny, she can’t be stopped.

And, with a brand new album of all the songs Timbaland hasn’t already sold to Nelly Furtado or Justin Timberlake or Ashlee Simpson in stores, it was only a matter of time before Madonna decided to go travelling round the world charging her fans a month’s wages to go and see her in concert.

Sure enough, Madonna has just released details of her new world tour. However, Madonna hasn’t publicly stated whether it’ll be one of those nice world tours where she sings all the old songs that people want her to sing or one of those rubbish tours where she only sings her rubbish new songs and everyone leaves feeling gypped yet, so don’t get your hopes up.

It’s always exciting when Madonna plays live, because you never know what you’re going to get.

No, we don’t mean that Madonna has an eye for visual flair and a back catalogue stretching back 25 years to choose from – we mean that when a lady of her age dances around in a leotard for two hours night after night, it’s just a matter of time before she has some kind of disgusting uterovaginal prolapse in front of everyone. In essence, a Madonna concert ticket is just a lottery ticket where the prize is a glimpse of her partially eviscerated bowel.

And it’s certainly a very successful lottery, because last time Madonna went on tour she made more money than any woman ever – so much money that she could afford a brand new toilet seat for every time she peed or pooped. That’s a standard of luxury that any multimillionaire environmental campaigner should be proud of.

So, when the rewards are as great as these, it’s no surprise that Madonna has decided to set out on tour again. After all, she’s got a new album out, and those poorly-reviewed songs won’t promote themselves, no matter how often they allude to Guy Ritchie’s pecker.

Which is why Madonna has announced the Sticky And Sweet tour – a 27-date jaunt around Europe and America. People reports:

Madonna will kick off her “Sticky and Sweet” world tour on Aug. 23 in Cardiff, Wales, the 49-year-old pop star announced Wednesday. The aptly-titled tour follows the release of her latest chart-topping album Hard Candy. After Cardiff, the tour will continue through Europe, making stops in France, Germany, the Netherlands and Italy, as well as elsewhere in the U.K., including a Sept. 11 performance at London’s Wembley Stadium.

Ticket prices, in the UK at least, are £55 for Wales and £65 for Wembley. It’s a lot of money, but can you really put a price on seeing a woman two decades past her best clinging forlornly to her lost youth by dancing around in a vastly unsuitable outfit?

Yes you can – haven’t you ever been to a pikey nightclub on Divorcee Night? By that standard, Madonna’s tickets are actually quite steep – plus the chances of you scoring a grubbily desperate one-off sexual encounter that’ll make you nauseous every time you think about it for the rest of your life aren’t quite as high.

We’re just kidding, of course – Madonna knows the importance of spectacle better than anyone else. Her last tour wouldn’t have been nearly as successful if she hadn’t have crucified herself on a glittery cross in the middle of her show and made the Pope all angry. The big question is how Madonna will be able to top that.

It’s difficult to find something more religiously offensive than a mock crucifixion, that’s for sure. But not impossible. All it’d take is a large picture of the Prophet Muhammad, a catapult and several fisfuls of animal dung and Madonna would be right back in the centre of everyone’s attention again. But we’re sure Madonna’s already thought of that.

Read more:

Madonna World Tour Kicks Off in August – People

If you were one of the 36 trillion people who tried to get tickets to see the Led Zeppelin comeback show last year, fret not.

That's because Jimmy Page has personally assured the public that Led Zeppelin will definitely tour the world really soon. The whole world. All of it. Even crap countries like Denmark.

And by that we mean that Jimmy Page has mumbled a couple of noncommittal words about Led Zeppelin eventually going on some sort of tour, but not for ages and actually he's not even going to think about it for six months anyway, but that's pretty much the same thing.

Just like people ask "Where were you when JFK was shot?" and "Where were you when Diana died?" people are now asking "Where were you when that old band from the 1970s got back together and played a bunch of really self-indulgent songs about wizards and runes and cobblers like that?" because that's how momentous the Led Zeppelin comeback was.

Even though it was for a few fleeting hours in December, the Led Zeppelin reunion concert had a profound effect on everyone – all the music reviewers in the world had to dig out their big book of ridiculously-overblown metaphors and even little Paolo Nutini wanted to join in, even though it's obvious to all that he'll never be much more than a soggy-knickered spatula.

And, although it was just a one-off show, the fans around the world who weren't able to get tickets for the O2 show all hoped that it'd kickstart a desire within Led Zeppelin to take the show on the road. That was dashed when Robert Plant said he'd prefer to do his fiddle-di-dee solo stuff in the world's greatest barns, and everyone went back to being resigned to a lifetime of watching a taped VHS of Led Zeppelin at Live Aid with a scrunched-up face.

But no! Because Led Zeppelin really are going to go on tour again! All around the world! Probably! Subject to approval from the band members in a meeting that isn't even going to happen until August anyway! The Telegraph reports:

Speaking to promote the band’s Mothership Greatest Hits album in Japan, [Jimmy Page] said: “We did the show and it was great. It was exhilarating, fantastic, every week was a week to look forward to. I can assure you the amount of work that we put into the O2, for ourselves rehearsing and the staging of it, was probably what you put into a world tour.” Chris Goodman, from The Outside Organisation, who look after the band’s PR, said: “Jimmy has said that the band will be meeting up in August to talk about it. “The band meet all the time. There is something in it but I can’t give you any more news at the moment.”

So it's all, um, perfectly… wait a minute, Jimmy Page said the words 'world tour' but not actually in relation to a Led Zeppelin world tour at all. That's a bit rubbish.

Of course, much of the problem in Jimmy Page rushing off and formally announcing a Led Zeppelin reunion lies with Robert Plant, who's thought to be reluctant to go out and sing the same songs over and over again night after night, especially when he's got a folky country album to promote.

But demand is so high for there to be a Led Zeppelin world tour that the band could change whatever they wanted and it'd still all sell out in the blink of an eye, so the financial projections for the proposed tour must be huge. And if there's anything that'll win Robert Plant round to touring, it's the promise that ticket sales will be able to buy him that solid gold one-stringed banjo he's always wanted.

Read more:

Led Zeppelin 'considering world tour' – Telegraph