World Cup 2010 - HecklerSpray

Can Someone Buy Cristiano Ronaldo A Baby Name Book, Please?

July 8th, 2010 By Stuart Heritage

You can tell that Cristiano Ronaldo will be a good father to his three-week-old son. It’s perfectly obvious.

You can tell because he’s rich. You can tell because he has kindly eyes. You can tell because, um, he’s gone on holiday with a Russian model and left the baby with its nan. Alright, forget that last bit. The point is that fatherhood is bound to change Cristiano Ronaldo’s personality entirely. Now that he’s responsible for a young life, Cristiano Ronaldo is bound to become less self-obsessed, less egotistical, less…

What’s that? Cristiano Ronaldo has decided to name his son Cristiano Ronaldo? OK, forget everything we just said. The man’s a berk.

Frank Lampard & Christine Bleakley Engaged? Does It Matter?

June 30th, 2010 By Stuart Heritage

Frank Lampard has returned triumphant from the global Kicking A Football 50 Feet Above A Crossbar Again And Again competition.

Truly, the man has a gift. And this victory – combined with his new world record for the most amount of times that anyone has ever shuffled around aimlessly before hoofing the ball into outer space regardless of how close to he is goal or which direction he’s facing – means that Frank Lampard wants to celebrate. And, if reports are to be believed, he’s celebrated by getting engaged to Christine Bleakley from The One Show.

By which we mean Christine Bleakley from GMTV. By which we mean Christine Bleakley from such horrific working hours that sleep deprivation will visibly age her by several decades before Christmas. Congratulations, Frank!

The Most Upsetting Story Ever: Dec Misses The Football

June 24th, 2010 By Justrestingmyeyes

Sometimes news comes through that is so shocking, so horrific, so unbelievably heart-rending and tragic, that you can barely fit it into your mind.

You try until you think your skull will pop, but it’s so monumental that it spills out of the sides, flushing away all rational thought, until all you can do is sink to your knees, beat the ground into a furious maelstrom of dust and misery, raise your tear-streaked face to the skies and scream, “Why? Why did this happen? No! Not to him! Not to Dec!”

Stop all the clocks, cut off the telephone. Declan Donnelly missed the goal in England’s match against Slovakia.

Katy Perry Manages To Wear Slutty Dress Despite Human Tragedy

June 13th, 2010 By Paul Pencott

Queen of triviality and professional ?kook? Katy Perry this weekend appeared on ITV1?s World Cup Live show dressed in a horrendously tasteless PVC dress.

The viewing public was nearly robbed of this dubious treat as Perry had earlier tweeted ?

”Another amazing race for a dress has happen again. Important dress. It’s on a plane now, but plane had 2 emergency stop cuz someone passed away mid flight! So sad! So we’ll see if the dress makes it in time… If not, my world cup convo is gonna take a beating on the chat show.”

Simon Cowell: Terrible World Cup Song Can Save England

June 14th, 2010 By Stuart Heritage

The best thing about Simon Cowell is that he makes a success of everything he does. Music. Television.

Legitimately dreadful haircuts. And now football. Yesterday, the bizarre Simon Cowell-masterminded World Cup mash-up of Shout and No Diggity featuring James Corden and Dizzee Rascal reached number one in the charts. It has single-handedly brought the nation together thanks to its uplifting message, its arbitrary scattering of the world ‘England’ and the fact that it’s still only about a tenth as awful as that Terry Venables song.

But is Simon Cowell happy with the song’s success? No – he’s not going to stop until Fabio Capello has played Shout for the players in the England dressing room before every match. Presumably with a threat to play it at them again at full-time unless they can convincingly win.

ITV Balls Up The World Cup For Everyone With HD

June 13th, 2010 By Matthew Laidlow

Across many towns and cities in England, anticipation for the first match of England’s World Cup campaign was building.

Taking advantage of the late kick off, English fans flocked to pubs to guzzle down warm beer and watch the two other games. Then it was time for business – the overpriced replica tops came off as excitement for the game grew. Shouts of ?Ingurlund? could be heard for miles around.

Given the honour of broadcasting the game was ITV. Known for only receiving high ratings when X Factor and Britain?s Got Talent is on, this was a major coup for the broadcaster. Of course it would be paramount to ensure that everything went smoothly and without any technical glitches, wouldn't it? You?d expect so but, in the age of the digital revolution, everything went tits up if you were watching in HD. Perhaps it was karma rewarding those who haven't forked out thousands on technology they don't need.