What’s a really bad television series to re-boot? Would it be the one that was on at the fag-end of the Seventies that your Dad showed an unhealthy interest in and that gifted you with nothing more than unsettling memories of your parents arguing as you were hurriedly sent to bed amid accusations from your mother directed at your father of infidelity with “that bloody telly whore”.

Yeah. That one.

So why not re-invigorate the whole sorry affair for a new generation, and release some pictures of new star Adrianne Palicki wearing a PVC costume that suggests that she is preparing to attend the world’s tackiest hen night?

Here are seven reasons why the whole sorry enterprise is a colossally bad idea:

1. Basically, Wonder Woman was the worst superhero ever, and the television series was the most underwhelming thing to be broadcast ever. It made the Adam West ‘Batman’ series look like a Ken Loach film.

2. A super-power that consists of changing your outfit by spinning around quite quickly butters very few parsnips in this house.

3. Linda Carter was at best a MILF. At best. No matter what your Dad thought – he un-ironically enjoyed Starsky and Hutch for God’s sake – replacing her with Adrianne Palicki is no improvement. She looks like the world’s least convincing ladyboy. She does.

4. Wonder Woman’s big gimmick was that she wore bullet-proof bracelets. BRACELETS. Because, when in a gun-fight situation, you want to make sure your dainty wrists will emerge unscathed.

5. A magic lasso. Really?

6. The world’s most unflattering golden star-encrusted headband. And there’s not much competition.

7. David E. Kelly.

Let’s linger on that last one. This new show – which is destined to make the recent Bionic Woman look like a runaway success – is helmed by the creator of Ally chuffing McBeal. The following press statement can only chill the blood of any sane person:

“a reinvention of the iconic D.C. comic in which Wonder Woman – aka Diana Prince – is a vigilante crime fighter in L.A. but also a successful corporate executive and a modern woman trying to balance all of the elements of her extraordinary life.”

Great. So that’ll be Wonder Woman by day twatting-on about novelty coffee-based beverages, pining for some weak-ass ‘lost love’ and staring wide-eyed over a city landscape whilst Vonda Shepard plays in the background and by night looking like she’s bought a ‘novelty’ costume from Argos and will be vomiting in the gutter at the taxi-rank by midnight.

Cancelled mid-way through series (not ‘season’, it’s our language) one is our guess.

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The world of filmed media is going comic book crazy at the moment. They’ve finally realised that there’s a whole bunch of stories out there, with the tone, setting and image already nailed, waiting to be turned into a moving picture. Duh.

And the latest reboot is Wonder Woman, cashing in not only on comic book nerds, but fans of the camp ’70s TV series which featured Lynda Carter.

The lady who’ll be playing our Amazonette is Adrianne Palicki who you’ve probably never heard of. Unless, of course, you’re a teenager who has stared longingly at her breasts online for a while.

That’s right folk! Palicki will be playing Diana Prince (that’s Wonder Woman alter ego, should you be wondering why the crap we’ve started throwing other names into the pot).

Palicki is best known (well, y’know?) for her role in Friday Night Lights as well as an appearance in the drama, Lone Star in 2010.

She’s also got comicbook previous too, appearing briefly in Smallville.

And despite the fact you haven’t heard of her, it appears that Palicki was the only actress in mind for the show, being the only actress invited to test for the part.

There’s been rumours of a film and TV show for years, with all manner of people being linked to the role. Christina Hendricks, Angelina Jolie and Catherine Zeta Jones have all been associated with Wonder Woman, but alas, Palicki has the gig which is set to irritate a few die-hards.

Apparently, the new project will veer drastically away from what people will expect. Some will call it a radical reimagining while other will just yaaboo at it being spoiled and ruined rotten.

It’s thought that the new Wonder Woman will fight crime as well as holding down a steady job as a top flight executive. It could be like The Good Wife meets Batman… or, y’know, a giant, expensive crock of shite.

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Christina Hendricks is a woman. Obviously. We know this because of her gigantic breasts. Of course, because she isn’t particularly thin, she’s become the go-to woman for fatties to promote ‘curves’.

Alas, ‘curves’ is just as unattainable as the supposed ‘size zero’ because ‘curves’ tends to mean ‘massive boobs and an impossibly tiny waist and holding your stomach in during photoshoots’ as opposed to one continual curve that makes you look like the letter ‘O’. A letter ‘O’ covered in kebab meat.

Anyway, Hendricks is seen as a struck blow for wimmin’s lib, despite the fact she’s objectified just as much as any other famous, attractive human. And this particular lady is probably going to be the next Wonder Woman.

For the record, we’re not against people carrying a bit of weight… we just don’t like you ladies assuming that, because you consider yourself to be closer to some assumed national average, it makes you more womanly than someone who is thinner. Of course, you’re literally more of a woman, but alas, not in terms of ‘essence of female’. Okay?

Now eat that pie and stop making excuses about it. We’ll have one while you’re at it.

Anyway, humanlib out of the way, let’s all start strumming out genitals in unison as we consider Christina Hendricks in a Wonder Woman outfit.

*grunts*

Have we all finished now? You lot are on round two of self-abasement? Pigs.

Anyway, Mad Men’s Hendricks is currently gigging as a voice-over for Lois Lane for All-Star Superman, and so, everyone has hatched up the idea that she’ll probably be game to play Wonder Woman as she clearly likes comic book characters.

On US talk show Rachel Ray , Hendricks stated that she’d “love” to play the role made famous by Lynda Carter in the ’70s TV series.

Hendricks says:

“I heard that rumour too – I don’t know where it got started but I love it!”

So there you have it. She’s absolutely, definitely doing it. Why? Because we’ve said so and we’re never, ever wrong about these matters. Now, back to the masturbating.

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This is getting confusing – first Beyonce told us that she was Sasha Fierce, and now she might be Wonder Woman as well.

Beyonce, that is. Not Sasha Fierce. Unless Sasha Fierce wants to be Wonder Woman instead of Beyonce. But at the moment we just think that it’s Beyonce who wants to be Wonder Woman, and Sasha Fierce hasn’t got anything to do with it. Except that Sasha Fierce is Beyonce, so technically they both want to be Wonder Woman. Clear?

Good. Beyonce wants to be Wonder Woman in a new movie. Which sort of makes sense. She’s got the thighs for it, we suppose.

Several years ago, we ran a post about a potential Wonder Woman movie that never got made, and it seemed to inspire just about every hormonal teenage boy on Earth to suggest whoever their most recent brunette wank fantasy was to play her. We heard about everyone from Carmen Electra to Kate Beckinsale to Shania Twain, but nobody mentioned Beyonce.

And, in retrospect, that may have been slightly foolish. Because Beyonce has decided that she wants to play Wonder Woman in a movie, and we get the feeling that she’s going to start kicking stuff over unless it happens. The LA Times quotes:

“I want to do a superhero movie and what would be better than Wonder Woman? It would be great. And it would be a very bold choice. A black Wonder Woman would be a powerful thing. It’s time for that, right?”

Of course it’s time for that. After all, we hear that Barack Obama only decided to historically campaign to become the first black president of America so that the one out of Destiny’s Child with the wobbly arse could have a slightly better chance of playing a campy second-rate superhero whose main weapon is a tatty piece of rope. It’s completely time for that.

But just because Beyonce wants to be Wonder Woman, does it mean she’s right for the part? Personally we’re worried. Although she already possesses the superpower of epileptic hysteria, Beyonce’s a woman who likes to inhabit her roles – to lose weight for Dreamgirls she famously went on a syrup-only diet, and for her upcoming movie about Etta James she gorged herself on food and put on 6kg – so God knows what sort of ridiculous diet she’ll need to go on to play a mystical Amazon who flies around in an invisible plane.

But that’s just a quibble. The main reason why we don’t want Beyonce to play Wonder Woman is the same reason why we’re dubious about any Beyonce performance – there’s a very strong chance that Jay-Z will pop up two-thirds of the way through the movie and mumble about fur coats for about 20 minutes.

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