Omens. Omens are what alarmingly superstitious people look for as they bounce eagerly from bad situation to bad situation. People who believe the old hokum about black cats and ladders invariably lay traps for themselves, only to be surprised when they fall into them, screaming in metaphorical agony. These are the people that don’t make jokes about Friday The 13th because they’re too busy wrapping themselves up in bubble wrap to protect them from the oncoming apocalypse of minor misfortune.

These people need us- the non-believers- to show them how good life can be away from omens, faeries, bad luck and fishwives’ tales. They need us to lampoon and mock the beliefs that they hold as fervently as an evangelical Christian holds onto a fading belief in a benevolent creator. We need to be out there, dancing jigs under ladders, crossing swords with black cats and breaking mirrors over the heads of Arch-Bishops.

We need to show people that you make your own luck and believing in omens and superstition will only lead you to dash yourself against the rocks of life! Unless they’re right of course. In which case, those of you who just threw your mobile phones at a mirror on my command might be in for a bit of a tough time.

The only evidence I can find which backs up the theory of ‘bad luck’ can be found in advertising. All the tales you’ve been told about the man who walked under a ladder only to have his house burn down at the same time are probably true but then again, he probably left the chip pan on while he went to clean his windows. All of these things are twisted and made into advertising gimmicks but what if there was one person who was the unluckiest person on earth. What would you turn their story into?

How do you twist the story of someone who is so monumentally unlucky that the cloud of bad fortune that hangs around them can be seen from Uranus’ orbit into something that can be enjoyed by all and sell a few of your shoddy wares in the process?

It’s easy!

Take Noah. He must be the unluckiest bastard in all of creation. Not only did he wake up one day to find that everyone on earth except him had been judged as unrighteous by bloody GOD himself, he was then forced to build an ark using only a flimsy set of IKEA instructions and an allan key. Does divine intervention and losing your local haberdasher to moral corruption qualify him as the unluckiest man in the world? No, probably not but having to fill his flat-pack boat with the world’s most dangerous creatures definitely bloody does.

The poor bastard was left to deal with the mountains of crap and carcasses left behind by the animals in his biblical supertanker without as much as a by your leave from the big bearded bastard in the sky. They’d have been eating each other, shitting all over one-another and generally making Noah’s life a living hell. So yes, he is the most unlucky person in history*.

Until now!

Advertising has jumped in and reminded us that while Noah may have been unlucky, at least his ark was fit for purpose. Unlike the poor git in the latest Lynx commercial.

You’re probably sitting there dumbfounded that I’ve managed to go through 600 words of a column about Lynx and not mention either the brand or the fact that it’s the sexist preserve of hormonal teenagers that have an innate desire to smell like vapourised cat vomit but that’s not the point! You all knew that anyway. I bet some of you occasionally walk past a group of teenage boys and make some flippant comment about the smell of Lynx and stale farts- and that’s okay.

Usually, I’d go for that angle as well but Friday 13th got me thinking about luck and how little luck this modern day Noah is having. There he is, given the task to build an ark and GOD hasn’t even given him any instructions, let alone the sacred Allan Key of Antioch that he gave Noah. He’s having to make it up with a rudimentary pencil carved out of the wood he’s being forced to work ON HIS OWN without the use of the flatpack Ark that Noah had.

It’s no wonder that he ends up with something that resembles an ocean-going pleasure yacht instead of a good, sturdy biblical ark.

The poor guy has done what any of us would do and modelled it on something he was familiar with. Will there be space for all the animals in there? Only time will tell. It’s not only that though, he’s clearly gone for comfort over substance with his tilled-wood interior and convenient fireman’s pole to allow him easy access between decks. He’s not leaving enough space to fit the animals in. No cages either. How will he keep the predators apart from their prey?!

I’m sure he has it all in hand. After all, this is GOD’s chosen man. The man who will lead all the creatures of this earth out of the darkness of the apocalypse and into a new world. A better world. A world populated by people descended from this brave but unlucky man. We should welcome the forthcoming apocalypse with open arms if this man is to make us better.

It’s no wonder he’s feeling a bit warm. He’s worked up one hell of a sweat working all that wood in time for the world ending. Having a spray of deodorant before the animals start to come isn’t going to make any difference, is it? Unfortunately for our plucky hero, all the shops had sold out of real anti-perspirant and he was forced to pick up a can of Lynx. Still, no matter. There will be no people to react to his smell of vapourised cat vomit where he’s going.

Here’s where our story comes to an end though, perhaps with the most unlucky element of all. It’s a well-known scientific fact that women cannot resist the smell of Lynx and will actively seek it out across continents if they have to. It’s not this man’s fault that he had to buy that can of Lynx. He’s going on to the birth of a new world, of course he needs some home comforts. Now his ark is suddenly full of beautiful women, attracted by the smell of his body tonic.

What is he supposed to do? Turn them away? The ark can very easily be converted to house people and the animals haven’t bothered to walk the lengths of themselves to join him. He tried to resurrect the world as we know it but was left with a giant wooden boat full of women that will eventually turn against him when ‘The Lynx Effect’ wears off and the can lies empty. He needed two of every animal but he didn’t get them. He failed GOD and when the waters subsided, he was left a broken shell of a man, completely ruined by his failure to create a new world.

The unluckiest person in the world stands, crestfallen, on the deck of that ark: make no mistake.

*Mythical history, that is. It’s a long-established fact that the unluckiest person in history is Adam Rickett.

The transfer season may well be over, but the biggest football transfer of the year has just taken place. That’s right, after having their contracts terminated by Sky Sports, public whipping boys Richard Keys and Andy Gray have signed for conference side talkSPORT, in a deal said to be worth roughly the price of a few Fray Bentos pies.

Gray and Keys, or to give them their proper names, Tweedle-Chimp (have you seen how hairy Keys’ hands are? They’re not HD friendly, that’s for sure) and Tweedle-Chump, are to host a new show every weekday from 10am until 1pm.

Presumably the show will primarily involve Gray and Keys explaining the off-side rule to female callers.

A Sky Sports mole, who wished to remain nameless, described news of the signing as, “unbelievable, Jeff.”

We’re not quite sure who Jeff is, but we let the rambling idiot continue, despite the fact he seemed oblivious to the fact Gray and Keys had left. “Really… are they gone?” the mole continued, “I must’ve missed that. I saw them go off but I thought they were bringing a sub on.”

Reports we just made up also state that Gray and Keys’ new show will feature a variety of special guests, which come in the form of legends of the game as well as respected football pundits.

Keys himself did hint at the fact some guests feature more regularly than others, he was heard to exclaim that during rehearsals for the new show, “you could have gone round there any night and found Redknapp hanging out the back of it.”

Gray has found the transition from TV to radio hard though. He’s become paranoid that, without being able to draw a mess of incomprehensible lines across the screen, his analysis of key match points will degrade into a series of strange grunting sounds and attempts to put the microphone down his trousers (with or without the assistance of the nearest female colleague).

With Gray, Keys and Stan Collymore all working for talkSPORT, you’ve got to wonder how scared both the female talkSPORT employees are getting.

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In the early 20th Century, the Suffragette movement fought and campaigned to give women independence and the vote, but what has modern woman done with this privilege?

They’ve made Hope Springs, what a waste.

The opening scenes draw heavily from Hustle, and any prison based drama you can think of. Throughout proceedings the viewer is reminded of the sanctity of sisterhood, sisters doing it for themselves, female empowerment, bra burning, and some other related cliché.

It is ludicrous of course; we all know that women aren’t capable of conjuring plans, ideas, or thoughts of their own. As a result we’re quickly reminded that this is a work of TV fiction, it isn’t real. That and the slightly surreal nature of the programme mean you never get drawn into realms of reality or silly things like that.

Fans of expletives might recognise Paul Higgins of The Thick of It and In The Loop, other pleasant actor-y related surprises include One Foot In The Grave veteran Annette Crosbie and woman of many voices, Ronni Ancona.

Here’s as much of the plot we can describe before our eyes start bleeding. Four lady ex-cons plan to fly off to a sunnier climate as a reward for serving a just punishment for past crimes with ill-gotten funds. However, a small snag sends things awry and they are forced to stay in a Scottish hotel called Hope Springs. The name of the series is Hope Springs. Most of the dialogue revolves around the fact that English people and Scottish people sound different, and that they inherently hate each other.

It is possible to derive enjoyment from this debut episode simply by trying to ascertain whether the main character is played by Tracy-Ann Oberman or not, well it isn’t, it’s Alex Kingston. There, now you’ve no reason to watch it.

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Hello there. Usher notices that you’re a lady. He’s seen those ladysacks through that blouse and he approves of them wholeheartedly – do you mind if he sings?

That probably isn’t the intro tape to Usher’s new ladies-only tour, but it should be. You see, Usher’s so fed up of having his sexual R&B flow disrupted at concerts by the occasional sight of a stubbly chin or an Adam’s apple that he’s banned all men from his upcoming club tour. From now on, only Usher’s rock hard testosterone can penetrate the moist, supple sea of oestrogen that is his audience.

And you know what, we actually think it’s a brilliant idea. That’s why we’ve decided to make this article a ladies-only article. Only women are allowed to read on, because only women will be able to form a true connection with our uniquely sensual musings.

Seriously though, no blokes. We’ll freak out if blokes read this. Urgh.

Men tend to cope with the tedium of being married in different ways. For example, we hear that David Duchovny likes to wank a lot. A lot. And Christie Brinkley‘s ex-husband Peter Cook, he liked to… well, OK, he liked to wank as well. They’re men. They like wanking. They all do. They don’t have different ways of coping, we just made that bit up. They all just wank a lot. Wank wank wankity wank wank.

But not Usher. Wanking’s not for Usher. But that doesn’t mean he’s not a little sick of looking at the same woman every day. True’s he only married Tameka Foster recently, but Usher wants – no, Usher needs – to prove that he’s still sexy to everyone else.

That’s why Usher has done the most mid-life crisisy thing any man can possibly do aside from growing a ponytail and pretending to like Dizzee Rascal – he’s arranged special tour that only ladies are allowed to watch.

That’s right – only ladies will be granted access into Usher’s lascivious inner circle. And definitely only women, OK? None of those sodding pre-ops are sneaking in this time. Usher doesn’t want to invite any pretty girls back to his dressing room only to realise they’re actually got big hairy cocks. People reports:

“This album … was definitely the type of one that was more intimate,” the entertainer says of his most recent recording, Here I Stand. “So what better way to get up close and personal than to make it all women? The ladies like to see that masculine build,” he told the AP. “They question if I still got it.”

You know what else the ladies like, Usher? Cake. You want to smother your masculine build in cake if you really want to please the ladies. Also, we hear that ladies like it when men don’t leave their bloody socks in the middle of the floor for them to pick up. Or ignore them when they’re talking to you about their day. Or pretty much just take them for granted in general. So, you know, don’t do any of that either please Usher. Mmm, sexy.

In fact, Usher’s ladies-only tour is such a good idea that we’re not even going to question the fundamental sexism at the core of it. Because, you know, how would women like it if men started going to nightclubs that were only for gentlemen?

They wouldn’t, which is why it’s a good thing that these so-called ‘gentleman’s clubs’ don’t even exist. So there.

Why are we so ashamed of the Eighties? Don’t believe us? OK, why then do we always associate it with greed and excess? Why do we laugh at the fashion mistakes? Why do we find ourselves hiding the 80s tracks we’ve downloaded into our iPods?

It’s true. In the Decades family, the 1980s is like the brash middle brother no one talks to at functions because he’s obsessed with money, carries a phone the size of a house brick and has a really bad perm. Well, hecklerspray is not standing for it any more. We’re loud and proud. We are children of the Eighties and we’re not ashamed to say it.

And to prove it wasn’t all New Romantics, Rubik’s Cubes and yuppies, we’ve compiled 14 reasons why the 1980s kicked ass.

Now, we could go on for hours about the great music and movies of the period, but we’re going to focus purely on the lovely ladies of the era. And, if you can forgive the big hair and shoulder pads, it really was a golden one.

14. Heather Locklear

If anything she’s actually improved with age.

13. Olivia Newton John

Quite a few of us wanted to get physical with Olivia.

12. Kathleen Turner

Possibly the sexiest voice ever.

11. Brooke Shields

How did it all go so wrong? Such a promising start.

10. Kim Basinger

OK, she can’t act – despite the fact she won an Oscar, for God’s sake – but there’s no doubt she’s a really hot woman.

9. Catherine Bach – aka Daisy Duke

Has anyone looked better in hotpants?

8. Beatrice Dalle

There was a time when she was on every self-respecting male university undergraduate’s wall.

7. Phoebe Cates

The swimming pool scene from Fast times at Ridgemont High will live long in the memory.

6. Princess Leia

What can we say? The gold bikini turned many a young boy into a man.

5. Susannah Hoffs

She made our teen age years a lot easier. We’ve all imagined her in our rooms.

4. Kelly LeBrock

Do we really need to explain?

3. Michelle Pfeiffer

When polled, 98 per cent of men say ‘they would’ when asked about the angular blonde. She can lie on the hecklerspray piano any time

2. Cindy Crawford

In 1988 she became the first supermodel to pose naked for Playboy. One mole with a hole most men wouldn’t mind climbing in

1. Debbie Harry

Admittedly, you could argue that she looked hotter in the late 70s, anyone who can wear a bin liner and still look sexy deserves real credit. Possibly the sexiest mouth ever.

Nicole Kidman is married to an alcoholic country singer. She also fierce campaigns to end violence towards women. These two facts are completely unrelated.

And yesterday Nicole Kidman went to the United Nations headquarters in New York to further her cause. Speaking in front of the world’s media, Nicole Kidman told the world’s press about her commitment to the campaign. With the help of world governments and the United Nations, Nicole Kidman said, within ten years she can meet her target of having 75% of the world’s females married off to alcoholic country singers.

What? Nicole Kidman was actually talking about the violence towards women thing? Oh, what a hilarious misunderstanding.

We’re not sure exactly what it is that the United Nations does, but we’re beginning to think it’s some sort of freakish trap set up by the paparazzi to ensnare celebrities. There sure are a lot of famous folk that get to hang around the UN these days, you see – from Angelina Jolie to Madonna to Ban Ki-moon, who we think is famous because he made an internet sex tape or something once.

And now we can add Nicole Kidman to the list. Although she’s busy juggling being pregnant with her first child and looking exactly like some kind of bat, Nicole Kidman still found time to roll on down to the United Nations headquarters in New York yesterday to speak about the thing that matters second-most to her after deliberately making commercially unsuccessful movies.

That, of course, is violence against women. And, as a goodwill ambassador for the U.N. Development Fund for Women, it’s well within Nicole Kidman’s rights to call press conferences to make non-specific calls for change to nobody in general whenever she feels like it. As People reports, yesterday Nicole Kidman felt like it:

“Obviously, I’m emotionally connected to this,” Kidman said of her commitment during a press conference Tuesday at United Nations headquarters in New York. “I’m a mother. I have a child on the way. A lot of it is realizing the things that are wrong and [pondering] how can I contribute to help my children have a better life?” Kidman, 40, a goodwill ambassador for the U.N. Development Fund for Women (since 2006), spoke passionately about the need to curb violence against women – which she called the “most widespread human rights violation of our time.” … Kidman noted that “one in three women will encounter violence in some way, shape or form against them in their lifetime.” She added, “That’s an extraordinary statistic. Yet do we ever hear it?”

Oh blah blah blah, it’s always women this and violence that with Nicole Kidman. But what about the oppression suffered by good-looking middle-class white boys with blonde hair, blue eyes and impeccable dress sense, huh? Why are we condemned to suffer in silence? Why?

Anyway, celebrity endorsements like these usually help to raise awareness of serious issues, so perhaps Nicole Kidman really has done some good here. And if just one man gets drunk after work tonight, goes home and – instead of hitting his wife like normal – takes out his pent-up rage on a piece of furniture or a household pet, then Nicole Kidman will have done her job. High-fives all round.

Read more:

Nicole Kidman Campaigns To Stop Violence Against Women – People

Forget everything you know, because Heather Mills is sexy, and if that's true then we need to rethink everything.

Seriously, although she's screechy and can act a little bit mental at times, Heather Mills looks set to make FHM's 100 Sexiest Women list this year.

Needless to say, most of the reason why Heather Mills has been classified as sexy is because of those soft porn shoots she did 20 years ago. But answer us this – if being photographed spraying whipped cream on your knockers and fellating a red jelly penis while making your unusually hairy genitalia as visible as possible is now sexy, then why aren't we in FHM's 100 sexiest women list? Did we do all that for nothing?

Admit it – when you saw Heather Mills on GMTV that time squeaking out the word 'paedophile' over and over again like a morally outraged chinchilla, your first thought wasn't "My, this woman's gone doolally," but "PHWOOOAR!"

And instead of using your hands to cover up your face the first time you saw that picture of Heather Mills pointing at a pig, you clenched your fist and started doing that sex-pump thing that happens a lot in British 1970s sex comedies starring Robin Askwith.

No? You didn't? You saw Heather Mills' wonky mouth that's never learnt how to smile convincingly and wondered what Paul McCartney ever really saw in her? Us too. But if we're all busy thinking that, then who's been voting for Heather Mills in FHM's annual 100 sexiest women list?

Well, teenage boys, obviously, because a) it's FHM and b) you could grease up Nick Nolte, pop him in a bikini and most teenage boys would be able to grit their teeth and force out at least one solitary grim wank over the ensuing pictures if they ever got in FHM. But we're straying from the point. Heather Mills is sexy and it's downright confusing. OK reports:

Heather Mills could be named one of the world’s sexiest women, thanks to her bitter divorce battle. Astonishingly, she is beating actress Kirsten Dunst, 25, singer Gwen Stefani, 38, and Paris Hilton, 27, in a major poll… It will give her a boost as she waits to hear how much a court awards her in her divorce from Sir Paul McCartney, 65. FHM’s Chris Bell said: “With her power suits and model looks, thousands have realised Heather’s about to become the world’s most eligible – and richest – single woman.”

Power suits? Model looks? Perhaps Chris Bell meant 'constant infuriating facial expression' and 'willingness to take her clothes off for cash', unless he's describing a different Heather Mills that we don't know about.

But what the hell, let's just along with FHM's sick little ruse. Perhaps millions of boys really do find Heather Mills sexy. Perhaps they long for the day when Heather Mills accuses them of stabbing her with a wineglass before claiming to need £10,000 a day from them to survive. Perhaps they long to be that red jelly penis from Freuden der Liebe that Heather Mills seemed to find so delicious 20 years ago. Perhaps, basically, young people are idiots.

However, let's not underestimate the continued animosity between Heather Mills and Paul McCartney. Paul is bound to be distraught at all the positive publicity that FHM is handing to Heather Mills, and a fightback is inevitable. So look out for the April issue of Simply Knitting magazine, where we hear he's leading the pack in its 100 Sexiest Men Who Look More And More Like Your Elderly Grandmother With Every Passing Day list.

Read more:

SEXY HEATHER'S A PIN-UP! – OK