Omens. Omens are what alarmingly superstitious people look for as they bounce eagerly from bad situation to bad situation. People who believe the old hokum about black cats and ladders invariably lay traps for themselves, only to be surprised when they fall into them, screaming in metaphorical agony. These are the people that don’t make jokes about Friday The 13th because they’re too busy wrapping themselves up in bubble wrap to protect them from the oncoming apocalypse of minor misfortune.
These people need us- the non-believers- to show them how good life can be away from omens, faeries, bad luck and fishwives’ tales. They need us to lampoon and mock the beliefs that they hold as fervently as an evangelical Christian holds onto a fading belief in a benevolent creator. We need to be out there, dancing jigs under ladders, crossing swords with black cats and breaking mirrors over the heads of Arch-Bishops.
We need to show people that you make your own luck and believing in omens and superstition will only lead you to dash yourself against the rocks of life! Unless they’re right of course. In which case, those of you who just threw your mobile phones at a mirror on my command might be in for a bit of a tough time.
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The transfer season may well be over, but the biggest football transfer of the year has just taken place. That’s right, after having their contracts terminated by Sky Sports, public whipping boys Richard Keys and Andy Gray have signed for conference side talkSPORT, in a deal said to be worth roughly the price of a few Fray Bentos pies.
Gray and Keys, or to give them their proper names, Tweedle-Chimp (have you seen how hairy Keys’ hands are? They’re not HD friendly, that’s for sure) and Tweedle-Chump, are to host a new show every weekday from 10am until 1pm.
Presumably the show will primarily involve Gray and Keys explaining the off-side rule to female callers.
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In the early 20th Century, the Suffragette movement fought and campaigned to give women independence and the vote, but what has modern woman done with this privilege?
They’ve made Hope Springs, what a waste.
The opening scenes draw heavily from Hustle, and any prison based drama you can think of. Throughout proceedings the viewer is reminded of the sanctity of sisterhood, sisters doing it for themselves, female empowerment, bra burning, and some other related cliché.
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Hello there. Usher notices that you’re a lady. He’s seen those ladysacks through that blouse and he approves of them wholeheartedly – do you mind if he sings?
That probably isn’t the intro tape to Usher’s new ladies-only tour, but it should be. You see, Usher’s so fed up of having his sexual R&B flow disrupted at concerts by the occasional sight of a stubbly chin or an Adam’s apple that he’s banned all men from his upcoming club tour. From now on, only Usher’s rock hard testosterone can penetrate the moist, supple sea of oestrogen that is his audience.
And you know what, we actually think it’s a brilliant idea. That’s why we’ve decided to make this article a ladies-only article. Only women are allowed to read on, because only women will be able to form a true connection with our uniquely sensual musings.
Seriously though, no blokes. We’ll freak out if blokes read this. Urgh.
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Why are we so ashamed of the Eighties? Don’t believe us? OK, why then do we always associate it with greed and excess? Why do we laugh at the fashion mistakes? Why do we find ourselves hiding the 80s tracks we’ve downloaded into our iPods?
It’s true. In the Decades family, the 1980s is like the brash middle brother no one talks to at functions because he’s obsessed with money, carries a phone the size of a house brick and has a really bad perm. Well, hecklerspray is not standing for it any more. We’re loud and proud. We are children of the Eighties and we’re not ashamed to say it.
And to prove it wasn’t all New Romantics, Rubik’s Cubes and yuppies, we’ve compiled 14 reasons why the 1980s kicked ass.
Now, we could go on for hours about the great music and movies of the period, but we’re going to focus purely on the lovely ladies of the era. And, if you can forgive the big hair and shoulder pads, it really was a golden one.
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Why are we so ashamed of the Eighties? Don't believe us? OK, why then do we always associate it with greed and excess? Why do we laugh at the fashion mistakes? Why do we find ourselves hiding the 80s tracks we've downloaded into ouriPods?
It's true. In the Decades family, the 1980s is like the brash middle brother no one talks to at functions because he's obsessed with money, carries a phone the size of a house brick and has a really bad perm. Well,hecklerspray is not standing for it any more. We're loud and proud. We are children of the Eighties and we're not ashamed to say it.
And to prove it wasn't all New Romantics, Rubik's Cubes and yuppies, we've compiled 14 reasons why the 1980s kicked ass.
Now, we could go on for hours about the great music and movies of the period, but we're going to focus purely on the lovely ladies of the era. And, if you can forgive the big hair and shoulder pads, it really was a golden one.
Nicole Kidman is married to an alcoholic country singer. She also fierce campaigns to end violence towards women. These two facts are completely unrelated.
And yesterday Nicole Kidman went to the United Nations headquarters in New York to further her cause. Speaking in front of the world’s media, Nicole Kidman told the world’s press about her commitment to the campaign. With the help of world governments and the United Nations, Nicole Kidman said, within ten years she can meet her target of having 75% of the world’s females married off to alcoholic country singers.
What? Nicole Kidman was actually talking about the violence towards women thing? Oh, what a hilarious misunderstanding.
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Forget everything you know, because Heather Mills is sexy, and if that's true then we need to rethink everything.
Seriously, although she's screechy and can act a little bit mental at times, Heather Mills looks set to make FHM's 100 Sexiest Women list this year.
Needless to say, most of the reason why Heather Mills has been classified as sexy is because of those soft porn shoots she did 20 years ago. But answer us this – if being photographed spraying whipped cream on your knockers and fellating a red jelly penis while making your unusually hairy genitalia as visible as possible is now sexy, then why aren't we in FHM's 100 sexiest women list? Did we do all that for nothing?
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