Here at hecklerspray we’d never dream of gossiping or making crude or childish remarks about celebrities or their sexual preferences. The depraved acts we’ve considered in the bedsit alone (and not counting the ones we’ve scheduled for the Christmas party) are enough to make any sane person question their sexuality, so we’d never judge anyone.
But then again, we are also enormous liars who will make fun of anyone silly enough to be famous for a living.
WE HEARD THAT WOLVERINE LIKES THE WARM TOUCH OF SOMEONE EQUALLY HAIRY AND MALE!!
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It must be rotten being Hugh Jackman. Everyone thinks you’ve got metal claws coming out of your knuckles and you have a face like a leper’s sandal. Still, at least he’s obscenely wealthy eh? What could possibly worry him?
Well, for your information, Hugh is very worried, actually.
By what you don’t ask? We’ll tell you anyway. He’s frightened of online imposters. Not sharks. Not being stabbed through the rib cage with a pitchfork. He’s frightened of people playing make believe.
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Fanboy idol Hugh Jackman knows when he puts on the mutton chops that he is onto a winner.
So much so that, now he’s back again as the Gillette razor clawed Wolverine, he’s barely made any effort to make this entry stick out from the rest of the franchise.
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Here’s a killer pitch for you. James Bond and Wolverine team up to fight crime together. Sounds good, huh?
Wait, we’re not finished. James Bond and Wolverine team up to fight crime together… within the strict confines of the law. And nobody kills anyone. And nothing explodes. And there’s probably a lot of crying. And it’s not even a film, it’s a play. God, we take it all back. This is a rubbish pitch.
But it’s going to happen. Daniel Craig and Hugh Jackman are going to star in that exact play on Broadway. Not James Bond and Wolverine. Sorry.
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Do you want the good news or the bad news? OK, the good news. Star Trek is the first Star Trek movie in ages that’s any good.
The bad news? The bad news is that, because Star Trek is the new number one movie at the weekend box office, Simon Pegg is doomed to spend the rest of his life answering impenetrable questions from stinking spods while harbouring a festering resentment towards Chris Pine’s growing messiah complex.
But still, Star Trek is the new weekend box office movie and that’s good. They’ll get to shout “KHAAAAAN!” in the next one.
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Finally.
An X-Men movie that doesn’t rely on special effects ejaculation or a star studded cast. Marvel appears to be getting things right with this gritty prelude – it actually has a script!
Follow Wolverine through a life of turmoil and endless combat. Watch him executed, resurrected and turned from man to beast as he battles with Sabretooth, Gambit and hordes of private soldiers.
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If you like looking at the hands and feet of Hollywood stars, there’s only one place to go – a mental hospital.
Or Grauman’s Chinese Theatre. But a mental hospital would probably make more sense, you creepy sod. Anyway, fans of seeing what some famous people’s hands look like have now got another reason to visit Grauman’s Chinese Theatre – because now they can see what Hugh Jackman‘s hands look like.
Because now Hugh Jackman’s hands and footprints have been immortalised in concrete there, alongside the notice ‘HUGH JACKMAN (you know, Hugh Jackman from Wolverine. Wolverine. It came out in 2009. No? Anyone?)’.
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