Not content with ruining The Wizard of Oz, Oliver! and Joseph and His Amazing Technicolour Dreamcoat, it looks like Professional Scrotum Impersonator and Part Time Song Word Writerer, Andrew Lloyd Webber has declared his intentions on turning heresy into an all-singing, all dancing, some crying, and probably a few catty comments, contest.

Originally entitled ‘Superstar’, it is set to be played directly into our eyeballs in the Summer on ITV.

As we all know, but will recap for heathens not in the loop, Jesus Christ Superstar is about The Son Of Our Lord Amen, but through the eyes of Judas Iscariot during his ‘Maybe Paganism is the way to go’ phase. Iscariot becomes disenfranchised with Jesus’ teachings and other general prattlings (but not the magic. The magic is the bestest), believing that his claims are just that of a madman with a cult following. Much like One Direction, or Chris Brown, or Michael Jackson fans.* It’s basically the boring parts of Easter but with toe tappingly fantastic songs. But no eggs.

Lloyd Webber is teaming up with Steven Balsamo (who played Jesus in the 1990s stage show and not to be confused with Steve Buscemi) to find a new Jesus and Judas to pit against each other one more time, and take them all on a lovely arena tour around the country starting in the O2.

Completing the judging panel is the actress picked to play Mary Magdelene and another big star (Webber wants Meatloaf, we’d rather a colonoscopy with no lube).

The wrinkled foreskin said:

“I think it’s going to be very exciting. What I’m really excited about is we are taking it back to how it started in an arena. I’m looking for a rock band that can play 140 songs. I want the whole thing to be a complete rock band and I want to see if the kids can do it or not. It is the public who lead the casting process and they’ve got it absolutely right four times already.”

It’s a fantastic move to defect to ITV, because with the added razzamatazz that ITV allows itself (compared to the BBC’s self enforced stoicism), as well as tie in performances on The Royal Variety Performance and The Alan Titchmarsh Show, it looks like he might be onto a winner.

How could he lose with The Big Titch on his side? He’s the only Jesus we truly deserve.

Without the Munchkins, The Wizard Of Oz would have been totally different – a story about a young girl in a strange magical land instead of a story about a young girl in a strange magical land where a bunch of midgets do a dance at the end.

And, finally, the Munchkins have got their recognition – 68 years after The Wizard Of Oz was released, the Munchkins have finally got a star on the Hollywood Walk Of Fame. Just one star, mind you, between 124 Munchkins – or, if you only want to dismiss the 117 Munchkins that died, one star between seven. Of course, the Munchkins weren't just given a star on the Hollywood Walk Of Fame for The Wizard Of Oz, it was also because of their profound influence on cinema. If it weren't for the Munchkins, you see, then the makers of Little Man would have never written a scene where a midget tries to put his penis into his adopted mother's mouth. On behalf of Planet Earth, Munchkins, we thank you.

Never let it be said that Hollywood is running out of stars. For example, look at the Hollywood Walk Of Fame – over the years everyone from Miles Davis to Orson Welles to John Wayne to Steven Spielberg has a star along there somewhere, and only the biggest, most iconic superstars of the moment are allowed to join them.

Celebrities like Bruce Willis and, uh, Ryan Seacrest and Winnie The Pooh and, um, Halle Berry. OK, so maybe there is a slight dearth of talent around at the moment when it comes to Walk Of Fame subjects, which is why it was such a relief yesterday to see the Hollywood Walk Of Fame get such an injection of old-school glamour, albeit old-school glamour of stunted growth and weird high-pitched voices. That's right – the Munchkins came to town.

The seven Munchkins who attended yesterday morning's Hollywood Walk Of Fame unveiling aren't just the only remaining Munchkins from The Wizard Of Oz left alive, it's thought that they're the only cast members from the whole movie left alive. And if waking up every morning knowing that they'd beaten the likes of Judy Garland and all of the winged monkeys at staying alive the longest wasn't enough, they can also be proud of the fact that Chicago cinema owner Ted Bulthaup thought them important enough to fight tirelessly to get the Munchkins their star.

And as for the Munchkins themselves, they were just thrilled to take part. 88-year-old Jerry Maren, one of the vaguely nightmare-inducing Lollipop Guild in the movie, said:

"It feels great to be here." 

While Meinhardt Raabe, the Munchkin coroner, added something about dressing up as a sausage. Incidentally, wasn't the coroner in The Wizard Of Oz almost as tall as Judy Garland? Isn't there some kind of height restriction for Munchkins? Someone should investigate and, if necessary, remove Raabe's name from the star immediately.

Oh, we're just kidding. In today's crazy, mixed-up world, it's heartwarming to see seven iconic old-age pensioners together brimming with glee as they're reminded that, of everything they've done in their entire lives, they're only going to be remembered for dancing around with big cakes on their head almost 70 years ago.