Last night The Dark Knight swept the People’s Choice Awards – the most white-bread, gonkishly populist, helmet-wearing awards show in the world. In other words, The Dark Knight is the film that fans of Kid Rock, Kate Hudson and Two And A Half Men like best.

In essence, this makes The Dark Knight the new Pirates Of The Caribbean – good news for anyone who wanted Batman 3 to feature three hours of Christian Bale running around pulling self-consciously barmy faces all the time.

Do you hear that sound? That’s the sound of The Dark Knight’s Oscar hopes packing their suitcases and leaving town. It’s impossible for The Dark Knight to win any Oscars now. It has to be. Because the law quite clearly states you can either win People’s Choice Awards or Oscars, and The Dark Knight has just won five People’s Choice Awards.

Why can’t you win both? Simple – the Oscars are voted for by people who want to prove how deep they are, which is why they’re always won by serious films about Catholic paedophilia and the Holocaust that people never watch. Meanwhile the People’s Choice Awards are voted for by people, who we all know are universally stupid.

That’s why, at last night’s People’s Choice Awards, Ellen DeGeneres was voted better than David Letterman, Adam Sandler was voted better than Steve Carell and Two And A Half Men won a category that 30 Rock wasn’t even nominated for.

The biggest winner of the night, though, was The Dark Knight – the film that started off as a moody, complex, morally ambiguous thriller and ended up as the film that every moron on Earth quotes to one another at the office because they went to see it 17 times in a row. AP reports:

“The Dark Knight” soared away with every trophy it was nominated for Wednesday at the 35th annual fan-favorite CBS ceremony. The caped crusader flick won five awards, including favorite cast, superhero, action movie and on-screen matchup for Christian Bale’s Batman and the late Heath Ledger’s Joker. “On behalf of all of the cast from the movie, thank you very much to the fans,” said Bale. “Here’s to Heath.”

Of course, just because The Dark Knight won a lot of People’s Choice Awards, that doesn’t make it a bad film – just a film that gained an unexpectedly populist audience. It’s a bit of a worry, actually – how is Christopher Nolan expected to keep his crown as a bravely visionary director when his movies get embraced by the dribbling public so easily? At this rate the only way he’ll be able to hang on to his credibility is to make Batman 3 a 15-hour-long slowed-down single shot of a disturbed old lady cutting away at her clothes with a pair of kitchen scissors.

Or maybe – just maybe – we’re reading too much into this. After all, everybody knows that the People’s Choice Awards lost all their credibility when they dropped the Nice ‘N Easy Fans Favourite Hair prize.

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And what makes David Cook’s American Idol victory all the sweeter is that he was never supposed to win it – partly because his rival David Archuleta had always been the favourite and partly because David Cook is so staggeringly anonymous that he could ride into a crowded room on a neon unicorn, announcing his arrival with a loudhailer-carrying 700-piece gospel choir and people still wouldn’t have any idea who he is.

But let’s not be mean – David Cook is the rightful winner of American Idol, so he deserves all the success that he gets in the time it takes him to release one big single before Simon Cowell washes his hands of him and his album flops and we never hear from him again. Basically he’s got a fortnight.

Looking back, this season of American Idol hasn’t been too bad. It gave us Renaldo Lapuz, for example, and that bloke who kept getting his balls out and the magnificence that is Jeff Archuleta – the oddly-bearded pushy stage Dad who won’t stop until he’s surpassed both Joe Simpson and Dina Lohan as the planet’s foremost child-destroying flesh-diner.

Plus Paula Abdul did some weird crap. And nobody saw that coming, did they?

But none of that matters any more, because American Idol has chosen its winner – David Cook. David Cook. You know, bland-looking chap. Nondescript voice. No memorable qualities whatsoever other than that he’s not that creepy wet-mouthed boy who cries a lot, looks as if he was born without any genitals and pretty much just creeps everyone out all the time. Yeah, him. Apparently he’s won American Idol. The New York Times reports:

David Cook, a sometimes sullen 25-year-old rocker from Blue Springs, Mo., was named the winner of “American Idol” on Wednesday, receiving 56 percent of the 97.5 million votes cast after Tuesday’s performances, easily defeating David Archuleta, a 17-year-old balladeer from Murray, Utah. It was in many ways a surprise victory. During Tuesday’s competition, all three of the program’s judges seemed to endorse Mr. Archuleta as the winner. To many in the 7,000-seat Nokia Theater here, Mr. Archuleta’s final performances were more electric. Simon Cowell… said Mr. Archuleta “came out here to win” and did so by “a knockout.”

As the winner of American Idol, David Cook now gets to release the surefire hit Time Of My Life, which won the annual American Idol Blandly Inspirational Ballad That Features The Words ‘Dreams’, ‘Believe’, ‘Rainbow’ and ‘Horizon’ Within The First 15 Seconds Competition. And then, after that, who knows what path American Idol will take him down?

Could David Cook become a global superstar who comes to resent his success like Kelly Clarkson? A role model for rednecks and the malnourished like Carrie Underwood? A twitchy failure like Taylor Hicks? Or will David Cook become a pregnant drug addicted jailbird like Jessica Sierra?

Now that American Idol has crowned him as the victor, it’s down to David Cook to choose which road he forges. The last one would be funniest, though. Hopefully he’ll do that. It’s not like we care.

Read more:

A Surprise as Fans Pick a 7th ‘Idol’  - NYT

But who’ll win the prize of £50,000 and a lifetime of only being recognised as Wotsit Off Big Brother? Emilia, Nathan, John, Anthony, Jeremy and Amy all remain in the house, and one of them has to win, even though it’d probably be fairer on humanity if they let a massive robot into the house and let it trample them all to death instead. But who’ll win?

Here are the Big Brother Celebrity Hijack betting odds for Emilia, John, Anthony and Amy, with help from Paddy Power…

Emilia – Even though the odds said Latoya was bound to go, we were still a little surprised when Emilia didn’t get evicted from the Big Brother Celebrity Hijack house on Wednesday night, purely because of what an infuriating little twit she is.

She has a boyfriend, but she complains about him. She has a brother, but she complains about him. She has a romantic interest in Jeremy, but all she does is bicker with him. There’s no doubt in our mind that Emilia is in the shortlist for Worst Girlfriend Ever because of this attitude.

Or at least she would be if she couldn’t put her arse on her head. Still, that’s not enough to let her win Big Brother Celebrity Hijack. Is it? Current Big Brother Celebrity Hijack betting odds – 10/1

John – We’ve been backwards and forwards with John since Big Brother Celebrity Hijack began – we thought he should win because the stuff he did with Matt Lucas was quite funny, then we thought he should lose because he’s such an oversensitive, condescending pissbag.

Then we thought he should win again because the only reason that he’s so oversensitive and condescending is because the others are dicks to him. So now we’re not sure. And by the time we go to bed tonight we won’t care. And that time can’t come soon enough. Current Big Brother Celebrity Hijack betting odds – 5/1

Anthony - We’re so convinced that Anthony will win Big Brother Celebrity Hijack that we’ve already written tomorrow’s ‘Anthony Wins Big Brother’ article. We’re so convinced that Anthony will win Big Brother Celebrity Hijack that we’ve printed up a bunch of ‘Anthony Is A Knockout’ T-shirts that we’ll be selling out the boot of our car first thing tomorrow morning.

We’re so convinced that Anthony will win Big Brother Celebrity Hijack that we’ve registered as many websites with his name in them as we could think of and used them to host disgusting porn. We’re so convinced that Anthony will win Big Brother Celebrity Hijack that we’re not even going to watch the Big Brother final tonight. So it’s a pisser that Anthony’s probably not going to win, then. Current Big Brother Celebrity Hijack betting odds – 5/2

Amy – In a fair and just world, Amy should probably win Big Brother Celebrity Hijack. She’s got strength of mind by the bucketload, she’s able to use reason and sense to talk the other housemates out of flipping out and she’s been remarkably quick to see through all of Big Brother’s dimwitted machinations when the others haven’t.

And now, after weeks of being second-favourite, it looks like Amy’s going to win Big Brother Celebrity Hijack tonight. And since all the teenage girls voting for the show will want Anthony to win, this is quite the achievement. Especially as Amy looks more and more like Dave Gorman with each passing day. Current Big Brother Celebrity Hijack betting odds – 11/8

Tomorrow: We haven’t got a titting clue, to be honest. But if that’s too long to wait – or you feel like making more money than you know what to do with – head right over to the Paddy Power Big Brother Celebrity Hijack betting odds page to see the latest, and best, betting odds.

Alesha Dixon won Strictly Come Dancing after a tense dance-off with her dancing rival Matt Di Angelo off EastEnders. Well, OK, maybe not tense – what with Alesha and Matt doing five dances each, all the old Strictly Come Dancing contestants doing a dance each, the Spice Girls singing a song accompanied by a dance and Bruce Forsyth doing a comedy song and dance number, watching the Strictly Come Dancing final felt a little bit like wading through treacle. But, hey, who cares – Alesha Dixon has now won Strictly Come Dancing and is now almost guaranteed to get this year's Christmas number one.

No, wait, that's the other one. What exactly do Strictly Come Dancing winners do again?

This year Strictly Come Dancing trounced X Factor in the ratings, and it's not hard to see why. In one corner you had Rod Stewart's wife with her bum hanging out and in the other hand you had a weird shouting Welsh alien singing 15 songs from the musicals that all sounded exactly the same. And, as any teenage boy will tell you, bums win. Even if the bums belong to Rod Stewart's wife.

So Saturday night's Strictly Come Dancing final was more than just an overlong dance assault presented by an old man and a woman dressed as a perfume bottle – it was a celebratory lap of honour that reminded everyone time and time and time again about every single thing that happened throughout Strictly Come Dancing from beginning to end in such detail that we may as well have not watched all the other episodes in the first place.

Seriously, everything. Presumably because the finalists had to do five dances – and therefore had to change sparkly sequinny outfits five times – the Strictly Come Dancing final was stuffed to the brim with any old filler that was at hand at any given point in time. Week-by-week retrospectives that reminded us that Kate Garraway couldn't dance and Dominic Littlewood was a bit of a twerp and Letitia Dean probably blasted vomit all over the place like a disgusting oil rig that smells of guts? Check. Dances by all these people that proved that they weren't so great after all? Check. Bruce Forsyth doing a big show-stopping number about how all women are suspicious of his constant sexually-predatory behaviour? Weirdly, check.

Dances by the two Strictly Come Dancing finalists? Oh yeah, that too. To win the coveted – yet painfully ugly - Strictly Come Dancing trophy, Matt Di Angelo and Alesha Dixon had to perform a punishing five dances each. At least we think it was five – by the time they'd both done three each we started to glaze over, all the dances seemed to blend into each other and we started to lose track of time. For all we know, Alesha and Matt might have danced anything up to a trillion dances each.

But we'll stick to five for now. Dancing their favourite ballroom dance, their favourite latin dance, some weird double dance to a T.Rex song, an identical dance danced identically at the same time as each other and a frantic piece of nonsense at the end. And picking either Matt Di Angelo or Alesha Dixon as the winner of Strictly Come Dancing was too close to call, which is something we learnt by having everyone involved in Strictly Come Dancing hitting us over the head with that fact every six or seven seconds.

In the end, though, Alesha Dixon was inevitably crowned as Strictly Come Dancing champion over Matt Di Angelo, which might have something to do with the way that at no point during the series did she muddle up her dance, go and sit on some steps and start crying like a big baby girl in front of millions and millions of viewers.

So congratulations to Alesha Dixon, who joins other Strictly Come Dancing winners like, um, that cricket bloke and, you, know, the others. Since winning Strictly Come Dancing, bookmakers have already slashed the odds of Alesha Dixon getting a number one record next year, even though nobody seems to have realised that, as gifted a dancer as she may be, when Alesha Dixon sings she makes a noise like a binbag of terrier puppies being pushed down some stairs.

Kenny to win.

Read more:

The Final: Results - Strictly Come Dancing 

It was a surprise result for sure, since operatic weirdo Rhydian Roberts had been tipped to become the X Factor winner right from day one, but Leon Jackson proved that he had the winning mix of weird-haired good looks, strong regional support and the ability to burst into tears every time he said a word that even sounded like 'mum'. And now, thanks to his X Factor win, Leon Jackson has been almost guaranteed to get the Christmas number one with his single When You Believe – a song that was instantly available to download for anyone who wasn't completely sick of the twatting thing after it was played about 19,000 times in a row during the last 20 minutes of the X Factor final.

X Factor winners never enjoy guaranteed success. Although last year's X Factor winner Leona Lewis is doing OK at the moment, there's every chance that the 2004 X Factor winner Steve Brookstein is that man you've seen sleeping in a puddle of his own sick in the doorway of Primark lately. The future that awaits Leon Jackson, who won this year's X Factor last night, is unknown. All we know is that the X Factor final itself went on for so long that church groups plan to show it to non-believing schoolchildren to try and explain what purgatory is like.

Even though his first X Factor performance was a terrified, badly-screeched skronk-jazz version of Can't Buy Me Love by The Beatles that was so terrible that it barely even classified as music, Leon Jackson somehow rose and rose throughout the ranks to upset the bookies and score a surprise X Factor victory yesterday. How did Leon manage this? We think we've got a few ideas…

1 - X Factor is a show geared towards teenage girls with such laser-precision that it may as well be called OMG He Iz So Gawjus LOL!!!1! and that's why young boys always do so well at it. Given that the only boys in the 14-24 category were Andy Williams (a good-looking chap with all the intellect, charisma and singing ability of your nan's pubes) and Rhydian Roberts (an undoubtedly decent singer, but one who happens to look like a Norwegian sex offender), Leon Jackson got through by falling somewhere between the two.

2 - The X Factor final was set up as a Battle Of The Nations, with Rhydian representing Wales, Leon Jackson representing Scotland and Same Difference representing England. Assuming that 90% of the English vote, mortified that they've had both Scooch and Same Difference acting as their national ambassadors within the space of a year, committed suicide at 7:15 last night, that left Scotland and Wales duking it out. And Scotland is bigger.

3 - The X Factor final was Rhydian's to win and he threw it away. His granny-pleasing opera shtick is dull enough on its own, but the X Factor guest star performance reinforced that immeasurably. While Leon Jackson sang Better The Devil You Know with either Kylie Minogue wrapped in a net curtain or Barbara Windsor doing an impersonation of Kylie Minogue wrapped in a net curtain, Rhydian was lumbered with Katherine Jenkins – a woman who was supposed to perform a duet of You Raise Me Up but just ended up shrieking like an over-amplified dolphin trying to wail the theme-tune to Star Trek while getting stabbed. Plus Rhydian looked as if someone had shaped his eyebrows, the big git.

4 - Leon Jackson cries at everything all the time, and X Factor viewers love it when people cry. And although he's cried out of nerves and a love for his mother in the past, on yesterday's X Factor Leon Jackson went the whole hog and actually cried at a homemade pamphlet about Hinduism. Leon Jackson cried about Hinduism. A man with that amount of tears deserves to win everything, right?

Whatever the reason, though, Leon Jackson was crowned winner of X Factor last night. Usually the result section of the X Factor final is marked by the host crowing about how many millions of people have voted, but this time there was none of that. So we can assume that either the crackdown on television voting prevented this from happening, or only a couple of people could be bothered to vote. And those people should look at themselves very hard each time that When You Believe by Leon Jackson is played on the radio.

Because, let's not beat around the bush, When You Believe is awful. It's like Simon Cowell owns a computer that can churn out faux-aspirational power-ballads at the drop of a hat. Nevertheless, When You Believe will sell a bundle and get to Christmas number one, and only after that can we judge Leon Jackson properly. Simon Cowell has learnt his lesson and has promised that he'll take his time with Leon's album, you see, just like he did with Leona Lewis. After all, it takes time to craft a decent album of bad Radio 2-friendly cruise-liner jazzpop, and Cowell ruddy knows it.

But now isn't the time to be cynical, because Leon Jackson has won X Factor and this is his moment of glory. All hail the new David Sneddon!

Google it. You'll understand.

Read more:

Leon Jackson: The Winner Speaks – X Factor