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When Winona Ryder isn’t being a kleptomaniac all the time, she’s… well… not being doing much of note other than her job as actress. Mercifully, she’s stopped being pretty-but-dull to start thrashing around wildly and hurling insults at Mel Gibson. She should write for hecklerspray.
Winona reveals that she once had an encounter with Mel Gibson where the actor made offensive homophobic and anti-Semitic comments.
No real surprise there then.
Can robots really be sexy? Can a mechanical object devoid of human emotion and personality really turn you on? Of course it can – just look at Emily Blunt.
But, obviously, it helps if they look like Blunt, Grace Park, Tricia Helfer, or anyone on this list. Two of them even made toasters sexy, for God’s sake. We have never looked at the office Rowenta the same way since.
Now that she’s pushing 40, Winona Ryder can’t really pull off that pixie waif look any more, so it’s time for a change.
And, as such, Winona Ryder has decided to try out a brave new look for visit to London this week. It’s a look that fashion insiders have already dubbed ‘worryingly ill on an aeroplane chic’. And Winona Ryder pulls it off with aplomb, or at least she did yesterday when she got ill on an aeroplane to London and had to be rushed to hospital upon landing.
But don’t worry, solitary remaining Winona Ryder fan – despite rumours of an overdose, your skinny hero was quickly discharged from hospital. And for an extra dollop of good news, Winona Ryder left the airport by ambulance, so she didn’t even set off the metal detectors with all the cutlery she’d been compulsively stashing down her trousers for the duration of the flight (please don’t sue us for making that last bit up).
Shoplifting has always been a part of human culture, ever since Zog The Caveman got caught stealing mammoth tooth necklaces from the jewellery counter in Flinty McGinty's Wonderful World Of Weird Neanderthal Shit.
It was only with the 2002 trial of Winona Ryder, however, that shoplifting truly became a worldwide phenomenon.
Why? Because Ryder gave the genre that all-important celebrity endorsement, that's why. And – as we all know – if a celebrity does something, then it instantly becomes ten million billion times more fashionable and impressive. That's the reason for all those George Formby tribute bands coming together the nation over, now that the Arctic Monkeys have pioneered the movement.
For those of you unaware of dear Noni's past exploits, she was caught six years back walking out of a Beverly Hills clothes store with $3,000 worth of unpaid-for clothing. For a moment she actually tried claiming that she was 'researching for a role', before abandoning that approach when she realised it was the worst excuse since John Wayne Gacy said that the 27 guys underneath the crawlspace were just 'having a nap'.
You would think – after being sentenced to three years probation and 480 hours community service – that she had learnt her lesson, wouldn't you? Weeeelll … you'd be wrong.
The forthcoming JJ Abrams-helmed Star Trek movie is one of the most breathlessly-anticipated movies for a long time, especially by people waiting to see if it can out-bad the one about Captain Kirk wanking around with some whales.
And the latest Star Trek-related news suggests that it might just be able to, thanks to another piece of wayward casting. It's been announced that, as well as the bloke from Heroes, one of Harold and Kumar and Simon Pegg, Star Trek will also star Winona Ryder as Spock's Vulcan mother. What Winona Ryder will actually do in Star Trek remains to be seen, although it's probably safe to say that there's going to be a subplot where Spock experiences all sorts of emotionally-conflicting erotic thoughts about his own mother. Well, he is part-human, after all.
