Here at hecklerspray, we’re generally less than thrilled when one of our colleagues has any success that we weren’t part of. In fact we hate them and wish them nothing but sorrow on a daily basis.

We generally despise anyone who seems to be doing well or progressing in their career because we’re entirely aware of how useless we really are and that the only difference between us and a 5 year old, is our ability to drink heavily and use spellcheck.

Are we bitter about this?

Of course.

However, someone who isn’t at all bitter about the fact his fellow McFly band member Dougie Poynter won ‘I’m a Celebrity’ this year, is Danny Jones, who celebrated on Twitter by showing everyone what he looks like underneath his clothes, much to the delight of the female hecklerspray staff who haven’t seen naked flesh in over a decade.

Possibly responsible for Dougie’s win, Danny tweeted:

‘Ok I’ll go even better!! If Dougie wins I’m a celeb I will tweet a naked picture

Funnily enough, Dougie won.

So as promised, Danny exposed his body to the world, hiding his penis in a cup which he’ll no doubt autograph in blood and we’ll bid for on eBay.

SO WHERE IS THE DAMN PICTURE?? you whimper…..well you can see it below if you like that sort of thing.

Just remember. God is watching.

When you’re in trouble, don’t call Batman, call Billy Crystal. Especially if you’re in need of a host of the Oscars. In fact, specifically if you’re in need of a last minute host for any awards ceremony.

That’s because Billy Crystal is pretty much unable to do anything other than be a vaguely charming awards presenter these days.

So good thing Eddie Murphy quit the job after some gay slurs made everyone quit the gig, right?

Oscar organizers got Billy back AGAIN to host the film awards after the departure of one producer and his handpicked master of ceremonies Eddie Murphy.

See, what happened was that producer Brett Ratner used the gay slur “fags” at a screening of his movie Tower Heist, which stars Murphy.

Naturally, gay rights groups went nutso and Ratner ended up losing his job. He probably muttered something far worse than ‘fags’ under his breath when the shitstorm failed to dissipate.

Of course, during all this brouhaha, Crystal’s spidy-sense went off and he spent three whole days sat besides his telephone, answering with “Good day, Billy ‘does a great Oscar ceremony’ Crystal speaking!” to absolutely everyone who called him.

Eventually, it came good and he announced the gig – which he’s done eight times previously – on twitter:

“Am doing the Oscars so the young woman in the pharmacy will stop asking my name when I pick up prescriptions. Looking forward to the show.”

It almost seems like Billy Crystal is becoming the new Bob Hope, in as much that he’s famous for simply existing rather than doing any proper work.

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Have you seen how outrageously great Eddie Murphy was back in his SNL days? Think about those fantastic films he made way back when! Beverley Hills Cop(s), Trading Places, Coming To America, 48hrs… not to mention stand-up films like Raw.

He was untouchable for a while. And then he went rubbish. Really, really dreadful.

In fact, it all started going wrong in the ’90s with dreck like The Nutty Professor, Shrek, Dr Dolittle and anything that enabled him to play all the characters at once. So what went wrong? It seems he stopped drinking, that’s what.

According to the man himself, he hasn’t touched a drop of booze in 18 years. Apparently, he can no longer drink because it makes him sick.

The last time he had a hangover was after he consumed three paltry glasses of champagne on his honeymoon following his marriage to now ex-wife Nicole Mitchell in 1993.

He said:

“The last time I got drunk was … on my honeymoon, maybe 18 years ago…. I only had three glasses of champagne. It don’t take a lot … I was feeling great for about five minutes, thinking this is a wonderful honeymoon.”

So then, think about this – he was a clean living, non-boozehound when he was stopped by police with a transvestite prostitute in his car.

He was stone cold sober when he had sex with Spice Girl Mel B. He was clean as a whistle when he told everyone that he didn’t want anything to do with the baby she had with him.

Amazing.

And now he’s making a Hong Kong Phooey film and generally being about as humorous as a Stanley Knife blade being jammed up your fingernails.

Eddie. Please start drinking again.

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The Oscars are great aren’t they? Tara Reid likened them to spending a few weeks in the Big Brother house… it really doesn’t get any better than that does it? And now, Eddie Murphy appears to have signed up for the show.

Now, you may be thinking that Eddie’s not done much since (allegedly) groping a drag queen’s bulge and successfully having sex with Mel B with no condom on, but you’d be wrong.

See, as Mel B found out when she had group sex with Murphy (Eddie playing the other six participants, including the token amusing overweight elderly lady), the Beverley Hills Cop has a plan to host and win all the Oscars in 2012.

No official decision on the 2012 Academy Awards has been made, but sources close to the awful festival of self  congratulatory fellation say that our Ed is the top candidate to do the honours in February.

Producers of the Oscars – Brett Ratner and Don Mischer – will first have to decide whether they can handle the logistical nightmare that is having a host who wants to not only host it, but also win and present every award under a variety of broadly stroked characters, not to mention performing songs and routines while under 40 inches of latex and make-up.

Justin Timberlake and Mila Kunis will probably get asked if they can’t be bothered with Eddie Murphy’s increasing and self-imposed loneliness.

In fairness, Murphy might be a great shout. He’s clearly having a nervous breakdown, so it’ll be more fun to watch him forgetting which character he’s playing and crying through a Valley Girl mask, in comparison to recent squibs like James Franco and Anne Hathaway, or the regrettably disappointing Steve Martin and Alec Baldwin.

He’s not even listed at the bookies, so get your money on now before realising Billy Crystal gets given the gig AGAIN.

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Last night was the Apprentice final. The week where we get to finally find out who wins, and what they’re going to do with Lord Sugar’s money! But really, who cared who won? MARGARET WAS BACK. Everybody loves Margaret. Except maybe the Apprentice candidates, who had to face her wrath in their interviews.

It wasn’t just Margaret doing the interviewing though. No, Lord Sugar had brought in a team of four scary-looking people who were out to make the candidates cry, and scream, and maybe piss themselves. And so, we got to find out their rubbish business plans. And more importantly, their massive flaws. Because let’s be honest, they’re bound to be more crap than good.

Susan wanted to expand her existing business and make everyone pretty. Unfortunately though, she’s both a tax-dodger and a bit of an idiot. She had no idea what it takes to actually set up a company, or to get her products tested, or even that you’re meant to pay tax and national insurance, but she’d read about it on the internet. Apparently this means she’ll make £1m profit in her first year. Nobody seemed convinced, but her confidence remained unaffected.

HELEN WANTED TO ORGANISE EVERYONE. Her plan was to take all the rubbish little tasks off people’s hands and do them for them. But she doesn’t know anyone, and so wouldn’t be able to get anything done. And then Margaret pointed out that Helen had such a non-existent work-life balance that she might not even be a human. Which would make sense of her awesome winning streak. The woman’s a robot! HOW DID WE NOT CLOCK THIS EARLIER?

Tom, meanwhile, wanted to solve back pain with a chair. Which he forgot to mention in his business plan. He’d also made his numbers up, and forgotten to cost his chair. Well done, Tom. Strong showing all round.

After all this, we still didn’t know what Magic Jim is planning on doing. We just knew he’s a massive cliché, who’d had a meteoric rise from zero to hero. And when asked to talk about himself without clichés, he said that he’s ‘what it says on the tin’.  When they eventually got the idea out of him, it turned out he wanted to go into schools and brainwash children to be just like him. He wanted to call his business AmSmart, because he’s trying to seduce Lord Sugar through the power of money. Which is just a mental image hecklerspray could really, really do without.

After the interviews, it was back to the boardroom, where Susan was mocked extensively for her £4m turnover estimate. Tom and Helen meanwhile, both got a bollocking – Helen, for just being a great big disappointment, and Tom for adding to Lord Sugar’s health and safety nightmare. Jim stayed out of it and just carried on trying to seduce his way to the money. He even called Lord Sugar just plain “Sugar”.

It didn’t go down well with Lord Sugar though (thank God, because we don’t think we could have coped with that mental image on top of everything else), and so Jim was first to be fired. Susan was next to go, because Lord Sugar’s scared she’ll spend all his money attempting to professionalise her company without actually achieving anything. Which seemed a fair and valid point.

And so it came down to Tom and Helen. Really, what we all knew was that the two of them should go into business together, possibly get married, and take over the world with their incredibly inventive and organized children. Unfortunately, that wasn’t an option, and so Lord Sugar had to pick just one.

Before he could, Helen decided to make one final, desperate grasp for the money and announced she was actually going to start a chain of bakeries. Unfortunately for her, Tom’s oddly stalkerish tactics for getting his products into shops impressed Lord Sugar more, and so he was made Lord Sugar’s business partner. Finally. Despite losing everything.

And so, another year of the Apprentice has come to an end, and hecklerspray finds itself at a loss as to what to do on Wednesday nights from now on. We might take to wandering the streets throwing insults at people in a desperate attempt to fill the void in our lives. Or we might just start communicating exclusively via Amstrad E-M@iler. If we can find one, that is.

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We have a winner for that competition where you could win The Town DVD and a boxset of The Wire! Isn’t that great? You wish you’d entered now didn’t you? Well, if you were following us on Twitter or Facebook you probably would have won!

And our ravishingly attractive competition winner is Sarah Harman from That London. She’ll now be able to sit in bed with her poindexter hat on and Mr T gold chain watching DVDs on her laptop, not quite able to find a way of being comfortable as she lies down to get optimum viewing angles. Hurray for that!

This morning, Matt Cardle will have woken up with the worst hangover in the world and a sticky hand after fingering multiple X-Factor backing dancers and groupies. However, we only need to cast our minds back to this time one year ago when we found ourselves in the exact same situation.

Geordie Joe McElderry had been crowned best karaoke singer, minus the manic sexual action.

Forgetting the whole childish Rage Against The Machine campaign, Joe was a dead cert of scoring a Christmas number one. That didn’t happen and for roughly eight months, he disappeared to record debut album Wide Awake.

Peaking at number three, this didn’t look encouraging at all. Suffice to say, third single Someone Wake Me Up bombed, charting at 68.

Basically, Matt should have finished second, as previous history has dictated that being the runner up means you have less pressure to succeed. Even if your solo career flops, nobody will care as you’ve already been a loser once before. No real dent to self esteem if it happens again.

Last year, cheeky chappie Olly Murs was the runner up. Instead of acting like a jealous dick, he plugged away and released an album that peaked at number two, released a number one single with a second single coming in at number four.

Therefore, you won’t see the last of Rebecca Ferguson who made the most well rounded contestant out of all them. No strange or elaborate stage routines or diva strops, just a down to earth girl who needed the shyness teased out of her in order to showcase her vocal talent. Blokes fancied her and ladies swooned over her dress and shoe selection. Matt Cardle won the show, but sometimes he looked like he really couldn’t be arsed and seems so prone to illness that his pallor is constantly akin to feta cheese.

Other examples of benefiting from being second are JLS. All the way back in 2008, they faced stiff competition from Alexandra Burke who surprisingly won the show despite being just an uptempo Leona Lewis with added dance moves, minus the horse face.

Granted, Burke hasn’t vanished without trace, but she hasn’t won as many Brit, MOBO and Urban Music awards as JLS. The band even have their own condom range which is weird based on the sorts of fans they are marketed to. Still, at least when girls have sex they know it’s going to be safe when Aston from the band is parked inside her. Perhaps we’ll be seeing Rebecca Ferguson’s face printed on to tampons.

Unless any pointless campaigns stop Matt Cardle from reaching the coveted Christmas number one spot, we won’t hear any music from him until late next year. Hopefully, the producers he works with will do the opposite of what Kylie Minogue’s sister has been doing and giving him songs designed for girls.

If it does go tits up, expect us to be copying and pasting this article and editing in a couple of extra paragraphs and harping on about 2011’s winner.

The Dancing With The Stars final is always bittersweet – sweet because Dancing With The Stars is over, and bitter because we have to write about it.

But that’s not important, because last night the brand new Dancing With The Stars champion was named as Brooke Burke, a woman primarily famous for winning Dancing With The Stars just now, and nothing else. Nothing else at all. Ever. Seriously, ever.

Anyway, Brooke Burke won Dancing With The Stars last night because she had a violent epileptic fit and thrashed about like a leashed animal trying to fight off an army of ghost bees. Oh, wait, no – we meant to say that it was because her freestyle dance was better than the freestyle dances by the gay one from ‘N Sync and some other bloke we’ve never heard of. Our mistake.

People, bow down before your new leader – Brooke Burke is the new winner of Dancing With The Stars, joining other big Dancing With The Stars winners like, um, you know, whoever won Dancing With The Stars last time. And stuff.

We’re not sure if Brooke Burke won Dancing With The Stars because she was the best dancer, or because she wasn’t an elderly woman, a singer with a cardiac complaint, a giganto-haired daytime soap star, an injured volleyball player or a professional dancer with a fanny growing on her appendix, but that’s by the by.

That’s not to say that Brooke Burke didn’t face stiff competition in last night’s Dancing With The Stars. All three finalists had huge support behind them – Lance Bass had the support of every old ‘N Sync fan and it seems like enough people had actually heard of Warren Sapp to vote for him too, even though he genuinely couldn’t be more anonymous if he blurred out his own face and started calling himself Mr X.

In the end, though, there could only be one winner of Dancing With The Stars. And that winner was Brooke Burke – a Playboy model and wife of a plastic surgeon for some reason who’s hosted some TV shows we’ve never heard of. So winning Dancing With The Stars clearly marks Brooke Burke’s shot at becoming a genuine celebrity, and her winning speech would be her big chance to show the world that she’s got the charisma to back up her dancing skills. AP reports:

The 37-year-old TV personality and mother of four dominated the seventh season of the popular ABC dancing competition and bested former NFL player Warren Sapp and former ‘NSync member Lance Bass during the Tuesday night finale. “Unbelievable,” was all Burke could muster after winning amid a flurry a confetti.

Unbelievable. That’s all Brooke Burke could say. Why isn’t this woman a political speechwriter?

But anyway, it doesn’t matter that her oratory skills are somewhat lacking because, as the victor of Dancing With The Stars, Brooke Burke proved beyond doubt that this year’s season was all about one person – one shining star who grasped the public’s imagination like no other and utilised her dancing skills to inspire joy and admiration in anyone who had the pleasure to witness its magic.

That was Cloris Leachman by the way. Old people are so funny.

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Hey, good news if you enjoy watching workout DVDs fronted by staggeringly anonymous young women who look a bit Addams Familyish – Rachel Rice won Big Brother on Friday.

Oh, don’t try looking at us blankly like that. Rachel Rice! From Big Brother! You know, the one that wasn’t blind. Or an albino. Or ginger. Or gay. Or pretend-Italian. Or the pretend-Italian’s girlfriend. Or from Thailand. Or Somalia. Or Australia. Or a single mother. Or a Lynx model. Or fat and naked. You know, the one left over.

Rachel Rice’s Big Brother victory was a sharp reminder that sometimes nice girls do finish first. True, they’re forgotten about in seconds and their hopes of maximising on their brief moment in the spotlight are virtually nonexistent and you’ll never ever hear from them ever again, but, um, we’ve forgotten what our point was. And who won Big Brother, come to think of it.

Big Brother is all about the journey. When Nadia won Big Brother in 2004, it was because the nation had slowly come to accept her as a person rather than a transsexual. When Brian won Big Brother in 2001, it was because the nation accepted that he was a person rather than a cartoon of a gay man. When Pete won Big Brother in 2006, it was because the nation got swept up in the romance between him and Nikki, and also because the nation is probably a bit dim.

And now Rachel Rice is the winner of Big Brother because, um, because the nation mostly forgot that Big Brother was still on and the few Welsh people who own both a telephone and a TV are absurdly patriotic. Or something.

To be fair, Rachel’s Big Brother experience hasn’t been all that much of a journey – she started off as nice, dull, hopelessly oblivious housemate and she ended up as the exact same thing, albeit one who had a bit of a cry in the middle because Rex thought she was boring.

Actually we shouldn’t do Rachel’s achievements down – looking at the five housemates left for the Big Brother final, Rachel was always going to win. Sara couldn’t win because she only entered the show halfway through. Rex couldn’t win because he’s an awful ginger bastard. Mikey couldn’t win because of that time he ate loads of chewed-up sprouts mixed up with tea. And Darnell couldn’t win because the emotional intensity of winning Big Brother would have probably set him off on a terrifying killing spree.

And that left Rachel – a woman so astoundingly dull that the best two clips Big Brother’s Little Brother could find of her involved organising a trip to the supermarket and counting some caterpillars.

So, now that she’s a Big Brother winner, what next for Rachel Rice? Well, she’s already talking about posing naked for a photographer, which we’re sure will go down a treat with the fans of niche ‘pleasant-seeming girls with big foreheads looking about as erotic as a three-day-old loaf of bread’ pornography.

And, aside from that, the sky’s the limit – maybe she’ll become an occasional guest spot as a spoon reviewer on Lorraine Kelly or the launch of a fragrance that reflects her personality by basically being some tap water in a squirty bottle.

Attagirl, Rachel.

Well, it’s the day of evictions once again and we can’t wait to see what reaction Nicole will get.

Okay so technically she hasn’t been booted out yet, but if she doesn’t go then we won’t be happy and we’ll blame everyone in the country – nay – the world for letting us down. It has to make the most sense anyway – Nicole‘s an arse, whereas Sara‘s hot and Lisa‘s comically insane – there’s no point in keeping the spoiled brat.

If you do want to risk some money, or make very little back from a huge bet, feel free to make your way to Paddy Power and check out their latest odds.

If Nicole doesn’t get kicked out of the Big Brother house tonight then there is no justice left in the world.

The scheming, conniving, selfish, fake blonde bitch should be drop-kicked out of there rather than be allowed to walk the steps of shame.

After joining the party on a BB whim, Nicole has bored the pants off of the public with her tears and tantrums, while letting designer boyfriend Rex walk all over her and make her look like the very wettest of blankets. Big brother betting odds – 1-100

She didn’t really want to be in there in the first place and has constantly ‘assured’ Rex – and the watching public, in actual fact – that she would do a bunk if her fella left. Unfortunately, as head of house, her fella survived this week’s nominations – so there is no double whammy to celebrate tonight.

Nicole is up against Aussie chick Sara and mummy of the house Lisa. There’s simply no competition.

Sara is a pain in the arse but at least she’s not evil. Her game has been a flirty one and while it hasn’t won her many friends inside or outside the house, it hasn’t left her tainted by the brush of hate. Big Brother betting odds 20-1

She is likely to survive the boot with Lisa, who has managed to keep out of the limelight since her comedy boyfriend Mario was chucked out by the public a month or so ago.

Apart from Lisa’s strangely obsessive hate for kindly Welsh lass Rachel, she has managed to keep her head down and glide through the nominations until now.

If she was up against anyone but Nicole she might be worried – but there is surely going to be little competition tonight. Big Brother betting odds 16-1

‘Big Brother, this is Davina, you are live in Channel 4, please do not swear. Nicole, get the fuck out!’

Mikey remains the favourite to win, with Darnell now a close second. He stood up for Kat yesterday when Rex and Mohamed wanted her to pull out of the Thriller dance routine task using her bad back as an excuse. Big Brother betting odds 11-8 (Mikey) and 11-4 (Darnell)

Darnell, Rachel and Mikey saw through Rex, while Mo backed up the tosspot. However, Mo looked like he regretted his ‘We’re going to fail the task’ outburst later, when he was in the bedroom with Kat, Rachel and Darnell.

And again later when they all passed the task. You’ll learn Mo. But it may be a bit too late by then. Big Brother betting odds 80-1

Next week: we’ll see how the tenth eviction affects things. Basically, as it’s Nicole most likely going then it’ll make things better. Rex will either walk with her or he’ll stay and become less of a twat – like he was before she was in there. Other than that, we’re gearing up for the final stretch of Big Brother 2008 – get to Paddy Power to bet on the winner!

Story By Richard Hughes

So it’s between Stuart and Rachel tonight – hardly a heavyweight contest, is it? It should only go one way.

Stu should be climbing the steps before the night is out and here’s hoping Rex will be thoroughly confused by the whole thing.

Rachel‘s tears over the dead goldfish – and Nicole‘s laughter at her reaction showed them both up for what they are.

Okay, so tears over a dead goldfish do seem slightly over the top – but Nicole’s smug ‘she’s crying over the goldfish’, snigger, snigger signposted the bitch for what she is.

Stuart wants to go, of course, He’ll be pleased as punch if he walks tonight. But the house will have to realise that Rachel is a real contender this time around.

So, with time slowly running out – who do Paddy Power think is still in the frame for the title this year?

Mikey looks set to win. The canny Scot is too clever to be beaten. Big Brother betting odds – 2-1

Rachel is still second, and her performance over the dead goldfish may have solidified her status and even have her pushing Mikey for Paddy Power’s top spot. Big Brother betting odds – 3-1

Third favourite Darnell is losing it slightly – and all because he go a knock back from Aussie chick Sara. It’s been fun to watch the lad suffer, then come out fighting. Big Brother Betting odds – 7-2

Kat, Kat, Kat – constantly chasing her tail. How boring after ten minutes. But she will outstay most and be there for the final day, as will Lisa. Big Brother betting odds – Kat (4-1), Lisa (8-1)

Nasty bastard Rex is fast being found out by the rest of the housemates. If he doesn’t go next week I shall be shocked to the core. Big Brother betting odds – 18-1

Stuart, it look’s like you’re off tonight, son – at least you’ll be happy. Big Brother betting odds – Stu 20-1

It will be interesting to see how Sara reacts if Stu goes tonight. She has invested a lot of time getting the hunk interested in him. Will she try to ‘use’ Darnell again as her love interest? Big Brother betting odds – Sara (25-1)

Mohamed – sorry son, you’ve got no chance. Big Brother betting odds – 40-1

Nicole – waste of space. Big Brother betting odds – 100-1

Next week: with another housemate out, how will the dynamic have been affected? And though it’s likely to be Stuart going, what will happen if the public have a change of heart and kick out Rachel? Keep your eyes on Paddy Power for the most recent updates.

Story By Richard Hughes

The housemates have spoken and it’s Stuart and Rachel up for eviction this week – let’s hope Stuart at least tries to rise to the challenge this time around.

Last week he couldn’t really be bothered – but then Dale was easy meat, it was obvious he was going from the word go.

But Rachel is a completely different opponent. She is likely to raise her game while Stuart struggles to find his.

See if Stuart can raise his game, or if the bookies think Rachel is too far ahead in public opinion by checking Paddy Power.

Rachel, bullied by Rex for the last month, will get the public’s sympathy vote. She has been battered and bruised by a succession of barbed comments which have been flung in her direction by the callous chef.

So, though Stuart is likely to get his support from his teeny fans, Rachel may have a chance of saving her Big Brother skin by playing on her sympathy vote this week.

Amazing, despite her nomination, Rachel is still second favourite with Paddy Power to win the whole thing. Big Brother betting odds – 3-1

Still out front to win is Mikey – the new bald Mikey who managed to burst that Kat bubble yesterday, upsetting her and making her cry. Ah, shame… Big Brother betting odds – 2-1

Cookie monster Kat, of course, remains third favourite to win, but her tears won’t have helped. The sympathy thing won’t work for her like it does for Rachel. Big Brother betting odds – 7-2

The Bald Eagle, American Darnell, is still in the race though, with his on-off love thing with Sara keeping his story interesting. And he gave Kat the benefit of his wise words yesterday, when the tears started flowing. Big Brother betting odds – 4-1

Lisa, keeping mum, is continuing her games of stealth – she’ll be there in the final week – Big Brother betting odds – 12/1

The rest of the housemates are all outside bets, with nothing short of a miracle likely to help any of them win the competition.

Stuart to go then, with Rachel stronger than they all believe in that house. Imagine Rex‘s face when Stu’s name is called up… the chef will be cooking up a storm then!

Tomorrow: will Stuart have altered his game plan accordingly? Will his odds look favourable at all, or is he consigned to Big Brother history? And will anyone in the house realise how much everyone outside actually likes Rachel? Who knows. Paddy Power are good at guessing, though.

Story By RIchard Hughes.

So after last week’s yawn fest, when Dale and Stuart fought out the most boring eviction ever, let’s hope some spice returns to the Big Brother house.

It was a bold move by Big Brother yesterday, who asked for the housemates to fill a jar with hair. And it was an even bolder Mikey who decided that he would go skinhead to get the task motoring.

Darnell joined him and now, here we are, with two rather strange-looking slapheads in the house, waiting for the nominations today.

We now have ten housemates left. So let’s take a look at who’s in the running for the title in 2008, with betting odds, as ever, provided by Paddy Power.

Mikey – Everyone’s favourite, Mikey is a strong bet for the title this year. The freshly-mown skinhead has been consistently number one in Paddy Power‘s stakes and this is unlikely to change soon. The sympathy goes a long way it seems, for the blind Scot. Big Brother betting odds – 2-1

Rachel ­– Rex‘s bullying may be cringe-worthy to watch, but it seems Rachel is benefiting from it in a strange way. While the chef keeps plugging away, the homely Welsh maid is climbing the odds table. Next thing you know she’ll be a winner, leaving Rex‘s face a picture to behold. Big Brother betting odds – 3-1

Kat – Come on Kat, time to change your game plan. There must be a nasty piece of work in there somewhere. Let’s see it, you’re dropping down the charts and something needs to be done. From Ewok to Gremlin. That’d do it. Big Brother betting odds – 7-2

Darnell – Scalped like Mikey, Darnell only has eyes for Sara, and their flirting is profiting both of them. A love story is always good for the participants, as long as they want it to be. And Darnell, of course, gets the ‘I’ve never had a girlfriend’ sympathy vibe, too. Big Brother betting odds – 4-1

Stuart – Last week he was Mr Duller-than-Dull and he still survived. Thing is, the poor blighter wants to go. Even a love story wouldn’t liven this housemate up. Shame on him for even bothering to go to the auditions. Big Brother betting odds – 8-1

Lisa – Mummy of the house Lisa is playing a stealthy game at the moment. She shrunk into the shadows when her fella Mario was kicked out – and now just pops up making herself look good occasionally. An outside bet perhaps. Big Brother betting odds – 12-1

Sara – Aussie flirt Sara‘s been playing with Darnell. But even that won’t better her chances. Destined for the boot, I’m afraid. Maybe even this week. Big Brother betting odds – 25-1

Rex – He’s a bully and a prick. Nuff said. Big Brother betting odds – 28-1

Mohamed – I notice he didn’t shave his locks off for the good of the house. Mo, Mo, Mo – you have no chance of winning. Why not just walk, eh? Big Brother betting odds – 50-1

Nicole – Dump Rex you blond bint. Yawn. Next… Big Brother betting odds – 100-1

Tomorrow: will the odds have swung in favour of any other housemate? Will Nicole make herself the public’s favourite by smacking Rex in his smug chops? Probably not, but we can dream. In the meantime, don’t forget to check Paddy Power for up-to-the-minute odds on the housemates.

Story By Richard Hughes.

So it’s the battle of the Big Brother Hunks this week, with housemates Stuart and Dale both up for eviction on Friday night. Who goes – the teenage girls of the UK will decide.

To be honest, we couldn’t give a toss here which one goes – both of them are boring the pants off us. Watching sulky Stuart lounge about and yawn every now and again is about as interesting as picking at the fluff on a jumper, while Dale’s spontaneous bursts of laughter are about as interesting as a sponge floating on top of the washing-up water.

Even so, these boring idiots can be put to good use by making you some money at Paddy Power, with the latest Big Brother eviction odds.

Dale – The other day Dale found Mikey stuffing a pig’s trotter down his trousers to form a camel toe the funniest thing ever. No Dale, it wasn’t the funniest thing ever, and you rolling around on the sofa repeating the phrase ‘camel toe’ like a child chanting: ‘He said poo! He said poo!’ over and over again just made us feel slightly sad, even embarrassed for you. Big Brother betting odds – 1-14

Stuart – How did Stuart get away with voting tactically? Can someone tell us this? Since when have housemates been able to vote for their friends so that they aren’t risking their up-for-nomination-status? Never, at least as far as we can recall. His ‘valid reasons’ didn’t actually have the vital ‘valid’ aspect to them.

If he had been forced to give proper reasons, maybe he would have had to become nasty Stu to get nominated. Hinting all week for people to vote for him, then he wanders into the diary room and twists Big Brother around his little finger. Next thing you know, he’s up for nomination without hurting anyone’s feelings. The boring twit. Big Brother betting odds – 13-2

This has to bee the worst week for nominations so far. The housemates from hell failed a task they were never likely to pass and therefore lost their right to nominate, while Rex‘s sultry squeeze – annoying airhead Nicole – was never even allowed to take part.

And talking of Nicole, how boring is she? Like a sloth at a slumber party, she’s making one hell of an impression.

While we’re waiting for the worst eviction ever to be over with, let’s take a look at the two top runners to win this year’s competition.

Mikey – The young Scot managed the comedy moment of the week by pouring mushed-up Brussels over his head after aborting the sprout-eating task, which only he made a fist of, remains the favourite to win the show. Big Brother betting odds – 11-4.

Kat – Oh she of the annoying squeaky voice is still second favourite. Big Brother betting odds – 3-1.

Tomorrow: we get to see if Stu and Dale have affected their chances of being booted out of the house when we look at more eviction odds! But in the meantime you can keep an eye on affairs over at Paddy Power.

Story by Richard Hughes.

You might have forgotten that it even existed, but Big Brother Celebrity Hijack reached its dramatic conclusion last night. Well, its conclusion.

And, if you're into that sort of thing, the Big Brother Celebrity Hijack finale threw up all kinds of surprises – not least that John Loughton, the overweight oversensitive perennial outsider ginger politician, beat the odds voted as the show's winner. But last night's Big Brother Celebrity Hijack had an even bigger surprise in store.

Emilia came second. And she was rubbish.

Over the last couple of years Big Brother has just got ridiculous. The typical Big Brother housemate is now a wannabe pop singer with Tourette's, a boob job, a vaguely tragic past, ambition that fizzles out after the first Heat cover and the kind of chronic 'love me' emotional disability that makes Britney Spears look like an icy standoffish stepmother. And, crucially, it seems like most of the recent Big Brother housemates had been turned down in years gone by because they weren't good enough. That's barrel-scraping, and it was a barrel full of shit in the first place.

So Big Brother Celebrity Hijack was a kind of rebooting of the franchise. It had famous people in it, but ones unlikely to start pan-continental race riots. And it had housemates, but Big Brother had sought them out rather than the other way around. So what Big Brother Celebrity Hijack gave us was – gasp – normal people.

Well, OK, not normal in the traditional sense – there was a dimwitted beauty queen who was a gifted child, a girl who sung about bongos, the least famous R&B singer in the world and a brother/sister duo who swung each other around on rollerskates until blood squirted out of their eyes. But you get the picture. Nobody watched Big Brother Celebrity Hijack but – admit it – it was nice to have a Big Brother that didn't commandeer every single tabloid headline for its entire duration.

And just to prove what a crazy mixed-up series Big Brother Celebrity Hijack was, last night's Big Brother Celebrity Hijack final turned everything on its head. For instance, instead of interviewing the evicted housemates in front of a baying mob, Dermot O'Leary mooched into the house itself and split his time between talking to the housemates and doing links into a mirror. It made the whole thing seem terribly anti-climactic, but then it was Monday night and it was E4, so everyone was just thankful that it was something other than a million Friends repeats in a row.

But what about the housemates? R&B singer Nathan and racing driver Jeremy were disposed of early on, but everyone expected that. Then the two favourites since the very beginning, Anthony and Amy – a hyperactive mummy's boy boxer and a levelheaded gas mask-clad conceptual artist respectively – were also evicted in fourth and third place. And that left John Loughton and Emilia Arata.

It wasn't a surprise that John was there – after all, he gained a free pass to the final after running round on opening night with an earpiece in following Matt Lucas' orders – but Emilia? Everyone was expecting Emilia to be evicted first, at least judging by the Big Brother Celebrity Hijack eviction mob, who booed so hard every time they heard Emilia's name that we suspect some of them ended up coughing their lungs out.

Emilia was so transparently manipulative – either flirting or crying to get what she wanted – that we genuinely have no idea why she ended up coming second. Although, on reflection, it probably had something to do with her being able to put her arse on her own head.

But then Emilia got the boot too, and that just left John Loughton as the winner. Seaking just after he won, John said:

"I've grown so much as a person. I've realised how much I respect my family. The achievement was getting here, that's been my biggest achievement."

So will there be another Big Brother Celebrity Hijack next year? Probably not. And has Big Brother Celebrity Hijack killed off Big Brother for good, like the naysayers claim? Not a chance – the normal twat-filled three-month Big Brother will be here before you've even had chance to prepare yourselves.

And as for John Loughton? If Big Brother tradition hold firm, soon he'll get a fake tan, write an autobiography that nobody reads, marry one of Joe Lean And The Jing Jang Jong, divorce him, get a breast enlargement and end up starring in an internet sex tape. Bloody politicians, eh?

Read more:

John is King of BB: CH – The Sun