But that’s not important, because last night the brand new Dancing With The Stars champion was named as Brooke Burke, a woman primarily famous for winning Dancing With The Stars just now, and nothing else. Nothing else at all. Ever. Seriously, ever.

Anyway, Brooke Burke won Dancing With The Stars last night because she had a violent epileptic fit and thrashed about like a leashed animal trying to fight off an army of ghost bees. Oh, wait, no – we meant to say that it was because her freestyle dance was better than the freestyle dances by the gay one from ‘N Sync and some other bloke we’ve never heard of. Our mistake.

People, bow down before your new leader – Brooke Burke is the new winner of Dancing With The Stars, joining other big Dancing With The Stars winners like, um, you know, whoever won Dancing With The Stars last time. And stuff.

We’re not sure if Brooke Burke won Dancing With The Stars because she was the best dancer, or because she wasn’t an elderly woman, a singer with a cardiac complaint, a giganto-haired daytime soap star, an injured volleyball player or a professional dancer with a fanny growing on her appendix, but that’s by the by.

That’s not to say that Brooke Burke didn’t face stiff competition in last night’s Dancing With The Stars. All three finalists had huge support behind them – Lance Bass had the support of every old ‘N Sync fan and it seems like enough people had actually heard of Warren Sapp to vote for him too, even though he genuinely couldn’t be more anonymous if he blurred out his own face and started calling himself Mr X.

In the end, though, there could only be one winner of Dancing With The Stars. And that winner was Brooke Burke – a Playboy model and wife of a plastic surgeon for some reason who’s hosted some TV shows we’ve never heard of. So winning Dancing With The Stars clearly marks Brooke Burke’s shot at becoming a genuine celebrity, and her winning speech would be her big chance to show the world that she’s got the charisma to back up her dancing skills. AP reports:

The 37-year-old TV personality and mother of four dominated the seventh season of the popular ABC dancing competition and bested former NFL player Warren Sapp and former ‘NSync member Lance Bass during the Tuesday night finale. “Unbelievable,” was all Burke could muster after winning amid a flurry a confetti.

Unbelievable. That’s all Brooke Burke could say. Why isn’t this woman a political speechwriter?

But anyway, it doesn’t matter that her oratory skills are somewhat lacking because, as the victor of Dancing With The Stars, Brooke Burke proved beyond doubt that this year’s season was all about one person – one shining star who grasped the public’s imagination like no other and utilised her dancing skills to inspire joy and admiration in anyone who had the pleasure to witness its magic.

That was Cloris Leachman by the way. Old people are so funny.

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Oh, don’t try looking at us blankly like that. Rachel Rice! From Big Brother! You know, the one that wasn’t blind. Or an albino. Or ginger. Or gay. Or pretend-Italian. Or the pretend-Italian’s girlfriend. Or from Thailand. Or Somalia. Or Australia. Or a single mother. Or a Lynx model. Or fat and naked. You know, the one left over.

Rachel Rice’s Big Brother victory was a sharp reminder that sometimes nice girls do finish first. True, they’re forgotten about in seconds and their hopes of maximising on their brief moment in the spotlight are virtually nonexistent and you’ll never ever hear from them ever again, but, um, we’ve forgotten what our point was. And who won Big Brother, come to think of it.

Big Brother is all about the journey. When Nadia won Big Brother in 2004, it was because the nation had slowly come to accept her as a person rather than a transsexual. When Brian won Big Brother in 2001, it was because the nation accepted that he was a person rather than a cartoon of a gay man. When Pete won Big Brother in 2006, it was because the nation got swept up in the romance between him and Nikki, and also because the nation is probably a bit dim.

And now Rachel Rice is the winner of Big Brother because, um, because the nation mostly forgot that Big Brother was still on and the few Welsh people who own both a telephone and a TV are absurdly patriotic. Or something.

To be fair, Rachel’s Big Brother experience hasn’t been all that much of a journey – she started off as nice, dull, hopelessly oblivious housemate and she ended up as the exact same thing, albeit one who had a bit of a cry in the middle because Rex thought she was boring.

Actually we shouldn’t do Rachel’s achievements down – looking at the five housemates left for the Big Brother final, Rachel was always going to win. Sara couldn’t win because she only entered the show halfway through. Rex couldn’t win because he’s an awful ginger bastard. Mikey couldn’t win because of that time he ate loads of chewed-up sprouts mixed up with tea. And Darnell couldn’t win because the emotional intensity of winning Big Brother would have probably set him off on a terrifying killing spree.

And that left Rachel – a woman so astoundingly dull that the best two clips Big Brother’s Little Brother could find of her involved organising a trip to the supermarket and counting some caterpillars.

So, now that she’s a Big Brother winner, what next for Rachel Rice? Well, she’s already talking about posing naked for a photographer, which we’re sure will go down a treat with the fans of niche ‘pleasant-seeming girls with big foreheads looking about as erotic as a three-day-old loaf of bread’ pornography.

And, aside from that, the sky’s the limit – maybe she’ll become an occasional guest spot as a spoon reviewer on Lorraine Kelly or the launch of a fragrance that reflects her personality by basically being some tap water in a squirty bottle.

Attagirl, Rachel.

Okay so technically she hasn’t been booted out yet, but if she doesn’t go then we won’t be happy and we’ll blame everyone in the country – nay – the world for letting us down. It has to make the most sense anyway – Nicole’s an arse, whereas Sara’s hot and Lisa’s comically insane – there’s no point in keeping the spoiled brat.

If you do want to risk some money, or make very little back from a huge bet, feel free to make your way to Paddy Power and check out their latest odds.

If Nicole doesn’t get kicked out of the Big Brother house tonight then there is no justice left in the world.

The scheming, conniving, selfish, fake blonde bitch should be drop-kicked out of there rather than be allowed to walk the steps of shame.

After joining the party on a BB whim, Nicole has bored the pants off of the public with her tears and tantrums, while letting designer boyfriend Rex walk all over her and make her look like the very wettest of blankets. Big brother betting odds – 1-100

She didn’t really want to be in there in the first place and has constantly ‘assured’ Rex – and the watching public, in actual fact – that she would do a bunk if her fella left. Unfortunately, as head of house, her fella survived this week’s nominations – so there is no double whammy to celebrate tonight.

Nicole is up against Aussie chick Sara and mummy of the house Lisa. There’s simply no competition.

Sara is a pain in the arse but at least she’s not evil. Her game has been a flirty one and while it hasn’t won her many friends inside or outside the house, it hasn’t left her tainted by the brush of hate. Big Brother betting odds 20-1

She is likely to survive the boot with Lisa, who has managed to keep out of the limelight since her comedy boyfriend Mario was chucked out by the public a month or so ago.

Apart from Lisa’s strangely obsessive hate for kindly Welsh lass Rachel, she has managed to keep her head down and glide through the nominations until now.

If she was up against anyone but Nicole she might be worried – but there is surely going to be little competition tonight. Big Brother betting odds 16-1

‘Big Brother, this is Davina, you are live in Channel 4, please do not swear. Nicole, get the fuck out!’

Mikey remains the favourite to win, with Darnell now a close second. He stood up for Kat yesterday when Rex and Mohamed wanted her to pull out of the Thriller dance routine task using her bad back as an excuse. Big Brother betting odds 11-8 (Mikey) and 11-4 (Darnell)

Darnell, Rachel and Mikey saw through Rex, while Mo backed up the tosspot. However, Mo looked like he regretted his ‘We’re going to fail the task’ outburst later, when he was in the bedroom with Kat, Rachel and Darnell.

And again later when they all passed the task. You’ll learn Mo. But it may be a bit too late by then. Big Brother betting odds 80-1

Next week: we’ll see how the tenth eviction affects things. Basically, as it’s Nicole most likely going then it’ll make things better. Rex will either walk with her or he’ll stay and become less of a twat – like he was before she was in there. Other than that, we’re gearing up for the final stretch of Big Brother 2008 – get to Paddy Power to bet on the winner!

Story By Richard Hughes

Stu should be climbing the steps before the night is out and here’s hoping Rex will be thoroughly confused by the whole thing.

Rachel’s tears over the dead goldfish – and Nicole’s laughter at her reaction showed them both up for what they are.

Okay, so tears over a dead goldfish do seem slightly over the top – but Nicole’s smug ’she’s crying over the goldfish’, snigger, snigger signposted the bitch for what she is.

Stuart wants to go, of course, He’ll be pleased as punch if he walks tonight. But the house will have to realise that Rachel is a real contender this time around.

So, with time slowly running out – who do Paddy Power think is still in the frame for the title this year?

Mikey looks set to win. The canny Scot is too clever to be beaten. Big Brother betting odds – 2-1

Rachel is still second, and her performance over the dead goldfish may have solidified her status and even have her pushing Mikey for Paddy Power’s top spot. Big Brother betting odds – 3-1

Third favourite Darnell is losing it slightly – and all because he go a knock back from Aussie chick Sara. It’s been fun to watch the lad suffer, then come out fighting. Big Brother Betting odds – 7-2

Kat, Kat, Kat – constantly chasing her tail. How boring after ten minutes. But she will outstay most and be there for the final day, as will Lisa. Big Brother betting odds – Kat (4-1), Lisa (8-1)

Nasty bastard Rex is fast being found out by the rest of the housemates. If he doesn’t go next week I shall be shocked to the core. Big Brother betting odds – 18-1

Stuart, it look’s like you’re off tonight, son – at least you’ll be happy. Big Brother betting odds – Stu 20-1

It will be interesting to see how Sara reacts if Stu goes tonight. She has invested a lot of time getting the hunk interested in him. Will she try to ‘use’ Darnell again as her love interest? Big Brother betting odds – Sara (25-1)

Mohamed – sorry son, you’ve got no chance. Big Brother betting odds – 40-1

Nicole – waste of space. Big Brother betting odds – 100-1

Next week: with another housemate out, how will the dynamic have been affected? And though it’s likely to be Stuart going, what will happen if the public have a change of heart and kick out Rachel? Keep your eyes on Paddy Power for the most recent updates.

Story By Richard Hughes

Last week he couldn’t really be bothered – but then Dale was easy meat, it was obvious he was going from the word go.

But Rachel is a completely different opponent. She is likely to raise her game while Stuart struggles to find his.

See if Stuart can raise his game, or if the bookies think Rachel is too far ahead in public opinion by checking Paddy Power.

Rachel, bullied by Rex for the last month, will get the public’s sympathy vote. She has been battered and bruised by a succession of barbed comments which have been flung in her direction by the callous chef.

So, though Stuart is likely to get his support from his teeny fans, Rachel may have a chance of saving her Big Brother skin by playing on her sympathy vote this week.

Amazing, despite her nomination, Rachel is still second favourite with Paddy Power to win the whole thing. Big Brother betting odds – 3-1

Still out front to win is Mikey – the new bald Mikey who managed to burst that Kat bubble yesterday, upsetting her and making her cry. Ah, shame… Big Brother betting odds – 2-1

Cookie monster Kat, of course, remains third favourite to win, but her tears won’t have helped. The sympathy thing won’t work for her like it does for Rachel. Big Brother betting odds – 7-2

The Bald Eagle, American Darnell, is still in the race though, with his on-off love thing with Sara keeping his story interesting. And he gave Kat the benefit of his wise words yesterday, when the tears started flowing. Big Brother betting odds – 4-1

Lisa, keeping mum, is continuing her games of stealth – she’ll be there in the final week – Big Brother betting odds – 12/1

The rest of the housemates are all outside bets, with nothing short of a miracle likely to help any of them win the competition.

Stuart to go then, with Rachel stronger than they all believe in that house. Imagine Rex’s face when Stu’s name is called up… the chef will be cooking up a storm then!

Tomorrow: will Stuart have altered his game plan accordingly? Will his odds look favourable at all, or is he consigned to Big Brother history? And will anyone in the house realise how much everyone outside actually likes Rachel? Who knows. Paddy Power are good at guessing, though.

Story By RIchard Hughes.

It was a bold move by Big Brother yesterday, who asked for the housemates to fill a jar with hair. And it was an even bolder Mikey who decided that he would go skinhead to get the task motoring.

Darnell joined him and now, here we are, with two rather strange-looking slapheads in the house, waiting for the nominations today.

We now have ten housemates left. So let’s take a look at who’s in the running for the title in 2008, with betting odds, as ever, provided by Paddy Power.

Mikey – Everyone’s favourite, Mikey is a strong bet for the title this year. The freshly-mown skinhead has been consistently number one in Paddy Power’s stakes and this is unlikely to change soon. The sympathy goes a long way it seems, for the blind Scot. Big Brother betting odds – 2-1

Rachel ­– Rex’s bullying may be cringe-worthy to watch, but it seems Rachel is benefiting from it in a strange way. While the chef keeps plugging away, the homely Welsh maid is climbing the odds table. Next thing you know she’ll be a winner, leaving Rex’s face a picture to behold. Big Brother betting odds – 3-1

Kat – Come on Kat, time to change your game plan. There must be a nasty piece of work in there somewhere. Let’s see it, you’re dropping down the charts and something needs to be done. From Ewok to Gremlin. That’d do it. Big Brother betting odds – 7-2

Darnell – Scalped like Mikey, Darnell only has eyes for Sara, and their flirting is profiting both of them. A love story is always good for the participants, as long as they want it to be. And Darnell, of course, gets the ‘I’ve never had a girlfriend’ sympathy vibe, too. Big Brother betting odds – 4-1

Stuart – Last week he was Mr Duller-than-Dull and he still survived. Thing is, the poor blighter wants to go. Even a love story wouldn’t liven this housemate up. Shame on him for even bothering to go to the auditions. Big Brother betting odds – 8-1

Lisa – Mummy of the house Lisa is playing a stealthy game at the moment. She shrunk into the shadows when her fella Mario was kicked out – and now just pops up making herself look good occasionally. An outside bet perhaps. Big Brother betting odds – 12-1

Sara – Aussie flirt Sara’s been playing with Darnell. But even that won’t better her chances. Destined for the boot, I’m afraid. Maybe even this week. Big Brother betting odds – 25-1

Rex – He’s a bully and a prick. Nuff said. Big Brother betting odds – 28-1

Mohamed – I notice he didn’t shave his locks off for the good of the house. Mo, Mo, Mo – you have no chance of winning. Why not just walk, eh? Big Brother betting odds – 50-1

Nicole – Dump Rex you blond bint. Yawn. Next… Big Brother betting odds – 100-1

Tomorrow: will the odds have swung in favour of any other housemate? Will Nicole make herself the public’s favourite by smacking Rex in his smug chops? Probably not, but we can dream. In the meantime, don’t forget to check Paddy Power for up-to-the-minute odds on the housemates.

Story By Richard Hughes.

To be honest, we couldn’t give a toss here which one goes – both of them are boring the pants off us. Watching sulky Stuart lounge about and yawn every now and again is about as interesting as picking at the fluff on a jumper, while Dale’s spontaneous bursts of laughter are about as interesting as a sponge floating on top of the washing-up water.

Even so, these boring idiots can be put to good use by making you some money at Paddy Power, with the latest Big Brother eviction odds.

Dale – The other day Dale found Mikey stuffing a pig’s trotter down his trousers to form a camel toe the funniest thing ever. No Dale, it wasn’t the funniest thing ever, and you rolling around on the sofa repeating the phrase ‘camel toe’ like a child chanting: ‘He said poo! He said poo!’ over and over again just made us feel slightly sad, even embarrassed for you. Big Brother betting odds – 1-14

Stuart – How did Stuart get away with voting tactically? Can someone tell us this? Since when have housemates been able to vote for their friends so that they aren’t risking their up-for-nomination-status? Never, at least as far as we can recall. His ‘valid reasons’ didn’t actually have the vital ‘valid’ aspect to them.

If he had been forced to give proper reasons, maybe he would have had to become nasty Stu to get nominated. Hinting all week for people to vote for him, then he wanders into the diary room and twists Big Brother around his little finger. Next thing you know, he’s up for nomination without hurting anyone’s feelings. The boring twit. Big Brother betting odds – 13-2

This has to bee the worst week for nominations so far. The housemates from hell failed a task they were never likely to pass and therefore lost their right to nominate, while Rex’s sultry squeeze – annoying airhead Nicole – was never even allowed to take part.

And talking of Nicole, how boring is she? Like a sloth at a slumber party, she’s making one hell of an impression.

While we’re waiting for the worst eviction ever to be over with, let’s take a look at the two top runners to win this year’s competition.

Mikey – The young Scot managed the comedy moment of the week by pouring mushed-up Brussels over his head after aborting the sprout-eating task, which only he made a fist of, remains the favourite to win the show. Big Brother betting odds – 11-4.

Kat – Oh she of the annoying squeaky voice is still second favourite. Big Brother betting odds – 3-1.

Tomorrow: we get to see if Stu and Dale have affected their chances of being booted out of the house when we look at more eviction odds! But in the meantime you can keep an eye on affairs over at Paddy Power.

Story by Richard Hughes.