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Here at hecklerspray, we’re generally less than thrilled when one of our colleagues has any success that we weren’t part of. In fact we hate them and wish them nothing but sorrow on a daily basis.
We generally despise anyone who seems to be doing well or progressing in their career because we’re entirely aware of how useless we really are and that the only difference between us and a 5 year old, is our ability to drink heavily and use spellcheck.
Are we bitter about this?
When you’re in trouble, don’t call Batman, call Billy Crystal. Especially if you’re in need of a host of the Oscars. In fact, specifically if you’re in need of a last minute host for any awards ceremony.
That’s because Billy Crystal is pretty much unable to do anything other than be a vaguely charming awards presenter these days.
So good thing Eddie Murphy quit the job after some gay slurs made everyone quit the gig, right?
Have you seen how outrageously great Eddie Murphy was back in his SNL days? Think about those fantastic films he made way back when! Beverley Hills Cop(s), Trading Places, Coming To America, 48hrs… not to mention stand-up films like Raw.
He was untouchable for a while. And then he went rubbish. Really, really dreadful.
In fact, it all started going wrong in the ’90s with dreck like The Nutty Professor, Shrek, Dr Dolittle and anything that enabled him to play all the characters at once. So what went wrong? It seems he stopped drinking, that’s what.
The Oscars are great aren’t they? Tara Reid likened them to spending a few weeks in the Big Brother house… it really doesn’t get any better than that does it? And now, Eddie Murphy appears to have signed up for the show.
Now, you may be thinking that Eddie’s not done much since (allegedly) groping a drag queen’s bulge and successfully having sex with Mel B with no condom on, but you’d be wrong.
See, as Mel B found out when she had group sex with Murphy (Eddie playing the other six participants, including the token amusing overweight elderly lady), the Beverley Hills Cop has a plan to host and win all the Oscars in 2012.
Last night was the Apprentice final. The week where we get to finally find out who wins, and what they’re going to do with Lord Sugar’s money! But really, who cared who won? MARGARET WAS BACK. Everybody loves Margaret. Except maybe the Apprentice candidates, who had to face her wrath in their interviews.
It wasn’t just Margaret doing the interviewing though. No, Lord Sugar had brought in a team of four scary-looking people who were out to make the candidates cry, and scream, and maybe piss themselves. And so, we got to find out their rubbish business plans. And more importantly, their massive flaws. Because let’s be honest, they’re bound to be more crap than good.
Susan wanted to expand her existing business and make everyone pretty. Unfortunately though, she’s both a tax-dodger and a bit of an idiot. She had no idea what it takes to actually set up a company, or to get her products tested, or even that you’re meant to pay tax and national insurance, but she’d read about it on the internet. Apparently this means she’ll make £1m profit in her first year. Nobody seemed convinced, but her confidence remained unaffected.
We have a winner for that competition where you could win The Town DVD and a boxset of The Wire! Isn’t that great? You wish you’d entered now didn’t you? Well, if you were following us on Twitter or Facebook you probably would have won!
And our ravishingly attractive competition winner is Sarah Harman from That London. She’ll now be able to sit in bed with her poindexter hat on and Mr T gold chain watching DVDs on her laptop, not quite able to find a way of being comfortable as she lies down to get optimum viewing angles. Hurray for that!
This morning, Matt Cardle will have woken up with the worst hangover in the world and a sticky hand after fingering multiple X-Factor backing dancers and groupies. However, we only need to cast our minds back to this time one year ago when we found ourselves in the exact same situation.
Geordie Joe McElderry had been crowned best karaoke singer, minus the manic sexual action.
Forgetting the whole childish Rage Against The Machine campaign, Joe was a dead cert of scoring a Christmas number one. That didn’t happen and for roughly eight months, he disappeared to record debut album Wide Awake. Read More >>>
The Dancing With The Stars final is always bittersweet – sweet because Dancing With The Stars is over, and bitter because we have to write about it.
But that’s not important, because last night the brand new Dancing With The Stars champion was named as Brooke Burke, a woman primarily famous for winning Dancing With The Stars just now, and nothing else. Nothing else at all. Ever. Seriously, ever.
Anyway, Brooke Burke won Dancing With The Stars last night because she had a violent epileptic fit and thrashed about like a leashed animal trying to fight off an army of ghost bees. Oh, wait, no – we meant to say that it was because her freestyle dance was better than the freestyle dances by the gay one from ‘N Sync and some other bloke we’ve never heard of. Our mistake.
