When you think of the Wimbledon Tennis Championship what springs to your mind first? Disappointment? Andy Murray’s elastic nationality? Rain? Sloanes roaming around South West London quaffing champers and talking about their gap yahs with Amelia and Tarquin?

No, you idiot, you think of Strawberries and Cream. The archetypal tennis nibble. Surely nothing could be more British than that!?

Well… not according to Tesco.

That’s right, supermarket giant Tesco has taken it upon itself to improve the Wimbledon staple by slapping two slices of cheap bread around it and selling it as part of a meal deal with some crisps and a tiny bottle of fruit juice.

The Strawberries and Cream sarnie, for those working class Wimbledon fans, costs just £1 and doesn’t require such frivolities as a spoon or dignity.

Expect a lot of slack-chinless jaws and tutting to take place if you do find yourself wrapping your gums around one of these bad boys anywhere near the All England Club though. At nearly 450 calories and filled with Tesco Value jam, it’s not exactly haute couture, dahhhhling.

Believe it or not someone is actually paid to come up with nonsense like this, their official title is the Tesco Sandwich Developer, personally we prefer the term piss artist.

Here’s what they had to say:

Some people might think it very odd putting strawberries and clotted cream in a sandwich…

Which is an understatement… but we digress…

but the overall taste is not that dissimilar to a classic scone with strawberry jam and clotted cream.

We here at hecklerspray were willing to go along with this notion, until we looked up Tesco’s previous forays into the world of fusion sandwiches. In the last few years we’ve been treated to the lasagne sandwich (yes, lasagne sandwich) and the classic banana and chocolate sandwich.

No. We think we’ll just stick to our lighter choice Prawn Mayos like the fat media bastards we are thank you very much.

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This week’s ups and downs.

Folded:

• Top 50 US All Stars with Idris Elba (Stringer Bell talks hip-hop in what must have been a seriously surreal few hours for The Wire fans)
• Wimbledon has finished (goodbye to the only sport in the world players fall asleep through. Still, kudos to Roger Federer and his gold lamé tracksuit)
• Best phishing scam ever (must have caught millions)
• Local gyms (full of middle aged Dorises, but at least no muscle men gazing lovingly at their own biceps)
• Spotting people on the Underground who don’t use an Oyster card (tourist – we’re going to pick your pocket now)

Creased:

• Funerals (or macabre pop concerts. Whatever)
• When Love Takes Over by David Guetta feat. Kelly Rowland (Cascada wasn’t available)
• Wimbledon has finished (but what will the BBC put on its red button now? The Royle Family Christmas Special? International Tiddlywinks? 24 Hours on the lash with Sophie Raworth?)
• Online voucher codes (‘expired’ – they’re all bloody expired)
• City gyms (even Peter Andre would feel uncomfortable around that many mirrors)

10 – All the Wimbledon news you will ever need. EVER – Interestment

9 - Here’s a very good podcast that you probably subscribe to immediately – Watchwithmothers

8 - Brief sincerity interlude: donate any money to the Fresh Air Fund before the end of the week and your donation will be matched exactly by a group of generous donors - Fresh Air Fund

7 - We know what you came here for – a picture of Lady GaGa shooting flames out of her nipples. We’re only too happy to oblige - AmyGrindhouse

6 - A thing about bras, written by an expert on bras – Dollymix

5 – Why impressionists are rubbish – Shoutingatcows

4 – Remember the 1990s? This man does. Here’s a megamix to prove it – Mychemicaltoilet

3 - Do you like SUGAR? Do you like HEARTS? Do you have A NAUSEATING AMOUNT OF MONEY? Then this may be for you – Domesticsluttery

2 - It’s not even out yet, but Alice In Wonderland has already made us want to cry – Bestweekever

1 - This is probably fake. But it is AWESOME…