You can’t keep a dead man down, is that the phrase we’re looking for? Oh wait, no its not, we meant to say “you can’t keep a good man down.” Depending on everyone’s personal stance on Michael Jackson, he’s either a God amongst men for looking after monkeys and other wildlife, or a deeply troubled and strange man.

Even though he’s been dead and buried for over a year, Michael Jackson fans still froth at the mouth when the same old stories are recycled.

a) Dr. Conrad Murray being accused of giving Jackson too many happy pills, b) Joe Jackson trying to cash in and c) the impending threat of brand new material. Sony Records have already bagged the rights to these from the Jackson estate, a move which has divided opinion. Will.I.Am has voiced his disgust whilst Akon has praised the move. We bet it has nothing to do with the fact he features on one of the tracks that’s being released as a single.

Now, we don’t like to make tedious connections but the single featuring Michael Jackson and Akon will have the conspiracy theorists choking for air. The track itself is called Hold My Hand and is surely a song tinged in hidden meanings that the two have been involved with.

Honestly, it only needs Gary Glitter to perform backing vocals to confirm what we think.

We’re sure that we’ll get called all sorts of misspelt names, but there is no denying that Michael Jackson has been taken to court not once, but twice to face all sorts of accusations. Either he didn’t learn from his mistakes the first time, or he’s a bit stupid, but two appearances for the same charge? It does seem odd to us.

But then again, we’re sure there’s a perfectly logical reason for this.

Akon has also been in trouble with the old fuzz about getting down and dirty with people who aren’t quite legally there yet. Back in 2007, to celebrate the success of a track with Gwen Stefani, he didn’t party in typical rapper fashion with a posse of ladies or invest in a solid gold stripper pole. Instead, he dry-humped the living soul out of an underage pastors daughters.

Silly Akon, you don’t get in to heaven that way.

Only a few months later, he then tossed off a young boy. Ok, that’s slightly exaggerated, he just tossed a boy off stage for throwing something at him, but you know what we mean.

This track sees the coming together of two individuals who like it barely legal. They’ll sing about holding hands of children whilst the mother and father of the lost tykes desperately search the frozen food section of ASDA, crying out there now.

Akon says:

“I don’t see anything disrespectful about it. These albums would have come out if [he] was alive or dead so I think this helps to keep his legacy alive.”

Yes, Akon, we’ll now never forget about Michael Jackson. The man who was so forced in to performing gigs in to London despite being having multiple medical problems.

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At the time of writing, Cheryl Cole is still the nations’ favourite weird-dress wearing, vomity-ex-husband having, egregiously-wrong autobiographical song-writing gal.

Of course, this will all change when she breaks up girls aloud – hopefully with a large mallet – or when it turns out that one of the numerous celebrity guest judges on The X Factor is far less prone to crying all of the fluid from their body every ten minutes, or turns out to have a more comprehensible accent, or is less liable to turn up in a dress made of, I dunno, spanners and bottle tops. Or when everyone remembers the fact that she is a violent racist.

The point is, she’s the nations’ darling and we ain’t never not gonna not let her go. Especially not to America.

It’s a time honoured rite of passage for any British pop star of any stature to go over to the States to try and ‘crack’ America.  Just like it’s a time honoured rite of passage for the same celebrities to fail to sell any records, try and hang around a bit with people who have no idea who you are and return home early, like a 14 year old boy who has managed to sneak into a cocktail party thrown by David Mamet and only manages to contribute armpit farts to the conversations about Brechtian representations of reality, engagement, and the concept of Verfremdungseffekt.

Well, it sounds like Chezza isn’t even going to try. The Mirror bends at the knees and whispers Will.i.am’s words:

Despite the levels of success and fame she has reached, she is a real home girl, and from the conversations I have had with her I never see her leaving the UK full-time.  Yes she will be in LA more when the US X Factor starts, and she might even buy a base there, but I don’t see anybody or anything that will make her decide the US is home.

Well, OK.

She’s not actually trapped in Britain as such. Unless you count the fact that she isn’t that talented as ‘being trapped’.

It’s not like she’s come out as a terrorist who wants to blow up any plane that she’s put on or anything. It’s more that a moderately-successful singer and far more-successful clothes wearer might buy a holiday home out in LA at some indeterminate point in the future.

Not really news is it?

Of course, there could be another explanation as to why she won’t go. I prefer to think that it’s down to the lack of Newcastle Brown out there. That, and I’ve heard that LA is full of the black people. She just might not be able to control herself.

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Michael Jackson’s corpse has had an incredibly busy time of things hasn’t it? First, his ghost appeared on some news programme in America, as well as appearing under a giant silver cloche at his mind-melting send-off that was televised and sneered at by Trevor Nelson. Then everyone poked at it in their minds like an open sore so they could cry all over again whilst listening to Man in the Mirror.

Now he’s got a new album coming out! He’s like Tupac or something! And it already has a bad review!

Black Eyed Peas thingy (singer? Rapper?) will.i.am has insisted that an album of unreleased Michael Jackson songs should not be put out.

So does he think the album is a load of old shit?

Alas, no. He thinks the album shouldn’t be put out as a mark of respect to the late singer.

As well you mental Michael Jackson fans know, producer Darkchild was hoping to release a record of unheard Jackson tracks.

However, will.i.am believes that Jackson wouldn’t have wanted the songs to be released without his giving his final seal of approval. Very respectful for a man who once sang “Let’s get retarded!” and played a part in Perez Hilton getting a smack in the mouth.

Discussing the project with The AP, he said:

“I don’t think that should ever come out. That’s bad. He was a perfectionist and he wouldn’t have wanted it that way. How you gonna release Michael Jackson when Michael Jackson ain’t here to bless it?

“Now that he is not part of the process, what are they doing? Why would you put a record out like that? Because he was a friend of mine, I just think that’s disrespectful. What’s wrong with what he already contributed to the world?

“So what? You don’t disrespect someone when they’re gone… How much can you suck from his energy?… Freaking parasites!”

Aaaah! But Mr Iams, you’ve missed a trick here!

Mr Darkchild hooked up with Derek Acorah who, of course, contacted Michael Jackson in the spirit world. When Jackson’s spectre said “say hello to Quincy Jones”, he also whispered “and tell Darkchild to release an album of unreleased material. To be perfectly honest, I haven’t made a decent record since ‘Dangerous’, and most of that was average tosh’.

Don’t have a go at us Michael Jackson fans. Take it up with Acorah. That’s what he definitely told us.

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Everyone loves Cheryl Cole – what with her shiny hair, impenetrable regional accent and fondness for morons.

She’s adorable. Cheryl Cole is so adorable, in fact, that the Black Eyed Peas are quickly falling under her spell. There have long been rumours that Will.I.Am and Cheryl Cole either had or are having some sort of romance, and now his bandmate Fergie has joined the party by admitting a crush on Cheryl too. Cheryl’s a lucky woman – what we wouldn’t give to be wooed by an occasionally incontinent bisexual former meth addict.

So that’s half of the Black Eyed Peas who now love Cheryl Cole. Maybe more – for all we know the other two could be in love with her as well. It’s hard to say for sure, though, because we don’t know how they feel. Or what their names are. Or what they look like, actually.

Whatever it is about Cheryl Cole – maybe it’s her absurd dress sense or her ability to cry on live TV – she certainly knows how to make men fall for her. Right now, for example, nobody knows whether or now she’s going out with Will.I.Am from the Black Eyed Peas or that dancer bloke. And, don’t forget, Ashley Cole loved her so much that he only ever knowingly vomited on one drunk hairdresser during intercourse behind her back. For Ashley Cole, that’s an impressive display of commitment.

But it’s not just men who love Cheryl Cole. According to a report – albeit a report that appears to have been written one-handed by a sweaty 14-year-old boy – Fergie from the Black Eyed Peas also wants a slice of Cheryl’s pie. And by ‘pie’ we think we mean ‘vagina’. The Sun reports:

The Black Eyed Peas singer said Cheryl was “hot enough to turn anyone”. Fergie, 35, added: “Some girls you look at and think, ‘Damn, you shouldn’t look that good’. Cheryl is one of them. She has this quality that turns powerful men into giggly schoolboys. Any guy that ends up with her will be lucky. It might not be a man. I’d take her out on a date and she knows it.”

It looks like Cheryl’s spoilt for choices at the moment, so who will she end up with? The dancer who’s linked to her because he wants to be more famous? The rapper who’s linked to her because she wants to be more famous? The woman primarily known for having the weakest bladder in pop? Some other numbskull who wants to momentarily boost their profile by pretending to fancy her? We just don’t know.

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No you idiot, blending food with people isn’t some sort of new game we came up with over the weekend after downing copious amounts of beer.

We’d quite happily try it, but unfortunately we’re a bit cack-handed when it comes to the illustration department. But if any of you get bored and have ran out of pornography to tug over, feel free to sketch something. You could give Cheryl Cole chicken drumstick breasts!

In the majority of cases, it’s always assumed that celebrities lead lifestyles that’d make the common dweeb want to cry. Simply looking at Leona Lewis makes us all realise that counting individual blades of grass in a field gives more joy than speaking to someone devoid of personality. Don’t be let down that Will.I.Am and Cheryl Cole don’t do wild things like buying Mexican midgets and getting them to fight to death. No, those two engage in more common activities.

Looking at Will.I.Am and Cheryl Cole, it’s difficult to work out how they bounce off each other and work successfully. First of all, there is the small hindrance of Cheryl’s accent. For anyone in the UK, the angelic tones that arise from the Geordie singer are usually met with the same reactions when you see a new born baby. Initially, it’s a strange and exciting thing, and then people lose interest quickly. If Cheryl wants to make it in America then she may have to adopt the smug and annoying accent of Hugh Grant. After all, Americans seemingly believe we talk like him. Even the ladies.

However, just because Cheryl Cole might talk a little bit funny, it hasn’t stopped a certain Will.I.Am from the once meh Black Eyed Peas to the now terrible Black Eyed Peas from taking an interest in her. In the beginning it seemed that he wanted to help the violent one from Girls Aloud further her career, but now he seems more desperate than a World of Warcraft nerd waiting for the latest software patch to get her into bed. Not sounding like a total kiss-arse at all, Will.I.Am told Now Magazine:

“America’s going to love that realness. People are going to be like: ‘Wow, people that hot usually know they’re that hot and walk about like they know it, but here’s a girl who can go out without her make-up and still look great and is as happy eating a bargain bucket as she is eating in Beverly Hills.’”

Yes, we fully expect scores of Americans to keel over in amazement as someone they haven’t heard of walks past them in the street without acting like a total stuck-up cock. Imagine the scene in LA’s trendy and cleanest KFC if Cheryl Cole wandered up and demanded the red carpet treatment. Being a kissy kissy bumhole licker, Will.I.Am commented further:

“I don’t think there’s anyone I’d rather share some fried chicken with.”

Christ, that only cements our theory that he is a moron. If a magic genie granted you that wish, you wouldn’t pick Cheryl Cole. She’d be too busy counting the calories. Instead you want the original bad boy of chicken, Colonel Sanders. Will.I.Am could grill him about the mystical secret recipe he created, ideally clarifying that the crispy skin isn’t made up of the workers scabs. Or if Sanders won’t answer that, Will.I.Am could ask whether he thinks Gary Glitter modelled his appearance off him.

Or if Colonel Sanders is busy in the spirit world, Bernard Matthews could do as due to his to his second rate turkey products.

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Perez Hilton is right. Violence is not the answer. Endless blubbery internet videos are the answer.

No? They’re not the answer either? OK then, what about furious stroppy little lawsuits against people who manage rubbish bands? Are they the answer? They are? Hooray, because Perez Hilton has just sued the Black Eyed Peas road manager who apparently punched him this weekend.

Actually, we shouldn’t mock. This is a big step for Perez Hilton – he actually filed the lawsuit himself instead of going onto Twitter and asking everyone to do it for him. Well done Perez Hilton! You’ll be a real boy one day!

Everyone likes a bit of ‘he said/ she said’, don’t they? We certainly do, and this spat between Will.I.Am and Perez Hilton is classic ‘he said/ she said’. Well, maybe not classic – technically it’s ‘he said/ he said’, and if you want to be really pedantic it’s ‘he said/ he said/ he said/ he screamed/ he allegedly got his road manager to punch him/ he went on the internet and cried about it like a big fat girl for around half an hour’ – but you get the idea.

However, while the rest of the world struggles to decide whether to side with Will.I.Am or Perez Hilton because it can’t work out which one is the biggest spakwad (after all, both have stupid names, both are only liked by medically-certified idiots and the only way that either of them could be any more attention-seeking if they slotted fluorescent tubes down their pee-holes and used their genitals to ward cruise liners away from partially-submerged rocks at sea) Perez Hilton has taken the battle into his own hands.

Or the hands of his lawyers. What we’re trying to say is that Perez Hilton has decided to sue Will.I.Am’s manager for assault. Reuters reports:

Celebrity blogger Perez Hilton on Wednesday sued the road manager of the Black Eyed Peas for allegedly punching him in the face outside a Toronto nightclub at the weekend. Hilton filed the lawsuit in Los Angeles Superior Court against Polo Molina, alleging battery and intentional infliction of emotional distress. He is seeking unspecified damages.

Now we’re no legal experts, but this seems like a remarkably short-sighted thing for Perez Hilton to do. Here’s why:

1 - If this goes to court, won’t Perez Hilton essentially have to claim that all the emotional distress has stopped him being able to draw rubbishly-looking willies on paparazzi photos with MS Paint with the flair and dexterity that his readers are used to? Wouldn’t that be the most ridiculous thing that anyone has ever said out loud in any court ever?

2 – Perez should be careful about throwing the term ‘emotional distress’ around so frivolously. Because, you know, we’ve watched that video of Perez Hilton crying and squealing all the way through now. Twice, in fact. So if we’re talking emotional distress, we’d imagine that we could be in for quite a substantial payout.

3 - Shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up.

Mainly, the third point is the most important one.

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We at hecklerspray feel nothing but intense sympathy for the shining beacon of all celebrity cock-drawing that is Perez Hilton after the suffering he must have been through recently.

Not only has he allegedly been attacked by will.i.am/Bill.I.Was/Frank Arnesen/whatever’s manager, he’s now been insulted by a man who vies with Robert Pattinson for the title of ‘Man Who Has Personality Most Like A Brick Wall’ - John Mayer – and the Gay and Lesbian Alliance Against Defamation hate him too.

The musicians, the celebrities, the gays – is there anyone who doesn’t hate Perez Hilton?

Anyone? No?

Ah.

Following the attack of such astonishing brutality Hilton suffered the other day, when he was only able to Twitter his situation a handful of times, we all assumed the world would return to normality for the master of cutting cock-drawing satire.

In fact, we even had the audacity to hope that the world would have turned a corner and embraced Perez in a joint display of affection, sympathy and outright care. It seems he did too.

But no, as it soon came to light that GLAAD weren’t too happy with Hilton’s use of the word “faggot” while insulting will.i.am. Probably because, as we all know, it’s wildly inaccurate – that man likes boobies.

Hilton did apologise for using the word, though not after claiming it was he who was actually owed an apology, and obviously the apology he eventually went on to make was full of “I’m the victim here” caveats and mindless droning about shit no one cares about. But hey – an apology is an apology, right?

This revelation was swiftly followed by a rare spurt of personality from John Mayer‘s Twitter feed, which managed to make the gnarled, hoary old form of hecklerspray smirk with their forthright pisstakeyness. While we can’t be bothered to pad this out with the entire script, here’s a bit of it:

Mayer: “Last year Pink kneed me in the nuts outside Chateau Marmont. I was p*ssing blood for days. Did I make a scene? Perez Hilton’s video statement is so long that by the end of it his cut healed.”

Hilton: “That’s real funny! Ha ha! And I’m sure you also think I ‘deserved’ to get hit!”

Mayer: “Not true. In fact I’d like to train you in Krav Maga. Then you’ll have the situational awareness not to get in someone’s face. I also want to train you in an old martial art called ‘Never Call A Black Dude a F*ggot Jitsu’.”

We may just have to promote John Mayer to the much-vaunted hecklerspray ranks of ‘Less Twatty’ as a result of this fine form. Well done, sir.

Let’s quickly clear that headline up. Perez Hilton and Will.I.Am are having a squabble, and we think we might die of boredom.

Apparently Will.I.Am went up to Perez Hilton on Monday morning and got all “Mer mer mer” and Perez went “Mer mer? Mer mer MER mer!” back. Then something dreary happened and they’ve both made videos where they’re crying and screaming and it’s all fairly tedious.

Listen here Perez Hilton. You don’t have the monopoly on this. Next Tuesday in the soup aisle of Asda we’re going to give Bernie Clifton a wedgie. There, how do you like THAT?

Oh, now this is a tricky one. You know how in fights you’re supposed to pick sides based on the amount of commonalities you share with each party? Well we’re not sure we’re going to be able to do that this time.

Because, if reports are to be believed, an altercation took place in Canada on Monday morning between inexplicably popular celebrity blogger and professional lowest common denominator-panderer Perez Hilton and inexplicably popular musician and professional lowest common denominator-panderer Will.I.Am from the Black Eyed Peas over something or other that nobody could honestly say that they’d ever be able to care about.

Apparently Perez Hilton (who draws penises on people with MS Paint for a living) was beaten up by Will.I.Am (who sings songs about boobies for a living) and his manager, who has since turned himself in and been charged.

Fortunately, both Will.I.Am (who has deliberately given himself one of the two stupidest names in the history of the world) and Perez Hilton (who has deliberately given himself one of the two stupidest names in the history of the world) have made videos giving their side of events. They’re both here, after a brief preamble by this bloke…

So now you know as much as we do about this. The question is now who we should all side with. Here’s our handy cheat-sheet:

REASONS TO SIDE WITH WILL.I.AM:

Could you make it all the way through that screechy video of Perez Hilton without wanting to punch your monitor until your hand falls off? Us neither.

Rather than call the police, Perez Hilton went onto Twitter to ask other people to call the police for him, which literally makes no sense.

Will.I.Am’s notion – that everyone is allowed their own opinion but only if it’s the exact same opinion as Will.I.Am’s opinion because if it isn’t he might get someone to beat you up – isn’t flawed in any way that we can see.

REASONS TO SIDE WITH PEREZ HILTON:

Will.I.Am says that, aside from the scuffle, he had a fun night – even though he was at a Canadian music award show after-party that was also attended by Perez Hilton. We clearly can’t trust anything this man says.

If Will.I.Am goes to jail we’re guaranteed a period of time without any new Black Eyed Peas songs or Wolverine sequels. This is undoubtedly a good thing.

Perez Hilton’s notion – that violence is not the answer and also blah blah blah boo hoo Fergie looks bad in a dress – is similarly free of any obvious flaws.

RESULT:

Oh, who are we kidding? We dislike both of them an equal amount. Shucks, this is just impossible.

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10 - There aren’t enough words in the English language that can adequately describe how much we want one of these…

9 – A bunch of pictures that you can email to your friends because you think it’ll make them like you more, when actually the exact opposite is true – Cracked

8 - An advert for liquorish allsorts that contains just about every objectionable micro-celeb on Earth – YouTube

7 - Ten things we can all agree that Lost is never going to explain to us, the sods - Unrealitymag

6 - Speaking of which, here’s the new Lost theme-tune – Collegehumour

5 – Barack Obama in an advert for liquid poo. We can’t even begin to list the amount of ways that this is offensive - I Am Bored

4 - Want to make beer-flavoured meat sauce? OK! – Instructables

3 - Which is better – to die of starvation or to eat bird vomit? This man says the latter. He is wrong – Yahoo

2 - Here’s William Shatner singing a song about taxis – Bedazzled

1 - To Mum, this is the film that your Christmas calendar is based on. Thanks us later - Kontraband

Listen, we know a lot of you voted for Barack Obama because you thought it’d stop Will.I.Am from writing crappy songs about him.

But, look, it hasn’t worked. Even though Will.I.Am’s awful habit of roping in celebrities like Jessica Alba and Scarlett Johansson to perform sappy Hallmark-style songs like Yes We Can and Omigod Obama Just Touched Me (I’m Never Washing My Hand Again LOL!!!1!!) probably put Barack Obama’s chances of becoming president in greater jeopardy than any of that William Ayers stuff, he’s at it again.

Today Will.I.Am debuted his new Obama victory song It’s A New Day on Oprah. It might seem incredibly prescient of Will.I.Am to have written and recorded such a song as timely as It’s A New Day so soon after Barack Obama’s historic election win, but it’s really not – he also had another song lined up in case John McCain won. But sadly I Hate You, Stupid Old Man (And Jessica Alba Agrees) will now never see the light of day. Video after the jump…

What’s the worst thing about Barack Obama becoming president of America this week? His supposed lack of experience? The sense that the poor man’s going to have to spend so much time behind bulletproof glass now that he’ll probably end up developing some sort of terrible crippling social isolation disorder? No.

The worst thing about Barack Obama being elected president of America is that we’re all going to have to put up with about six solid months of listening to celebrities crow on about the great job they did of getting him elected in the first place.

We already got a hint of how unbearable it’s going to be when even Elisabeth Hasselbeck declared her support for Barack Obama this week. Elisabeth Hasselbeck, for God’s sake. A week ago she looked as though she’d actually consider burning his house down if it meant he’d lose. So if she’s behind Barack Obama now, just imagine how insufferable Will.I.Am is at the moment.

Will.I.Am was there right at the start, remember. When Barack Obama said “Yes we can,” Will.I.Am wrote a song called Yes We Can. When Barack Obama said “We are the ones we’ve been waiting for,” Will.I.Am write a song called We Are The Ones. When Barack Obama said that thing about getting his daughters a puppy, Will.I.Am toyed with writing a song about that before realising that the only word that rhymes with ‘puppy’ is ‘guppy’ and that’d be stupid, even for him.

And now that Barack Obama is the president-elect of America, Will.I.Am has decided to write a song about that as well. Today on Oprah, Will.I.Am decided to give the song its official debut, as Forbes reports:

Black Eyed Peas frontman will.i.am debuted his new music video celebrating President-elect Barack Obama’s victory during a live broadcast of “The Oprah Winfrey Show.” The lyrics of “It’s a New Day” include: “I woke up this morning, feeling brand new/Cuz the dreams that I’ve been dreaming has finally come true.” A video featuring photos of Obama played on a giant screen behind the Grammy-award winning artist.

Profound. Personally, we’re pleased that the dreams we’ve been dreaming haven’t come true because we’ve seen the damage that can be caused when bear vaginas grow teeth, but if that’s what Will.I.Am wants then good luck to him.

Although we will admit that It’s A New Day is slightly better than Will.I.Am’s other Barack Obama songs – mainly because Jessica Alba doesn’t come on and waffle about Darfur for an hour and a half in the middle – we do worry that Will.I.Am is never going to stop writing songs about Obama, even though he doesn’t really have to any more..

Because, seriously, as endearing as it seems now, just imagine how annoying it’s going to be in 18 months’ time when Will.I.Am releases his double album inspired by Barack Obama’s trade negotiations with Belgium. No, really, imagine it.

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Those X-Men movies, they were OK – but it's blindingly obvious that they missed one vital ingredient.

And that's a mutant with the power to take any song you ever liked and ruin it by lazily babbling a lot of meaningless shit about tits over the top while waving a can of Pepsi Max around. But fear not – that'll all be changed with the new Wolverine prequel movie, because Will.i.am from the Black Eyed Peas has just signed up for a role.

Rumours that signing Will.i.am up for the Wolverine film is just a ploy to make people think that painting Frasier blue and casting him as a monster in X-Men 3 was a comparatively decent idea are still unconfirmed.

Unless you're a 14-year-old boy with enough hormones to floor a moose, chances are that your favourite of the X-Men is Wolverine. He's got it all – a bad attitude, a Flock Of Seagulls haircut and dirty great bits of metal that shoot out of his knuckles. So, with this in mind, it'd have to take something pretty special to talk you out of going to see a movie all about Wolverine, wouldn't it?

After all, these kids will go and watch any old crap if it's got laser beams and fighting and destruction in it. They even went to see X-Men 3, even though Brett Ratner directed it. Brett Ratner, for christ's sake. So the Wolverine movie will be a no-brainer box office success when it opens in May 2009, even if the producers end up casting someone so massively unsuitable that it takes three or four minutes of dumbfounded silence just to let the news sink in at all.

Which is just as well, because Will.i.am from the Black Eyed Peas has been cast as a see-though mutant in Wolverine. Reuters reports:

Black Eyed Peas singer Will.i.am will make his feature acting debut in "X-Men Origins: Wolverine," the "X-Men" spinoff starring Hugh Jackman. Danny Huston, Taylor Kitsch and Lynn Collins also have joined the Fox project, and Ryan Reynolds is making a cameo. Gavin Hood ("Tsotsi") is directing. "Wolverine," set 17 years before the "X-Men" movies, traces the origins of the popular mutant superhero. Will.i.am, whose real name is William Adams, will play Wraith, a mutant with the power to turn himself translucent.

Hopefully Will.i.am's participation in the Wolverine movie won't just end with a minor role as someone who's invisible for most of the time – hopefully producers will see sense and let Will.i.am do the Wolverine theme tune too, Will Smith-style. It's bound to be brilliant, even if Will.i.am just takes a piece of music that everyone's already familiar with from a film or a TV advert, doesn't bother altering it at all, mumbles a load of obvious rhymes about it and then calls it Wolverine's Humps (Pepsi Max – Max Your Life). Which, let's face it, is exactly what he's bound to do.

Will.i.am's casting in the Wolverine movie helps to hide a bunch of other problems with the film, though, like the fact it'll be a prequel set 17 years before X-Men starring an actor who looks eight years older than he did in X-Men, and that if these X-Men Origins movies catch on, eventually we'll have to put up with one about Halle Berry. And that'll just be frighteningly dull.

However, let's not assume that Wolverine is beyond being saved just because Will.i.am is in it. Maybe if he sweet-talks the producers they'll find a role for his bandmate Fergie. And, let's be fair, there's not a movie in history that wouldn't have been improved by the addition of a mutant who can't stop wetting her knickers.

Read more:

Black Eyed Peas singer joins "Wolverine" cast – Reuters