William Shatner – or, The Shat, as we like to call him - is a fine, fine man. We say ‘fine’. We actually mean ‘like watching an endless loop of terrible car wrecks, limbs flying through the air’.
Right? Right.
The Shat is prone to opening his mouth and not thinking too much about what tumbles out. That’s why he’s so fun. And when he does think about it for a second, it usually translates into the most hilariously earnest acting you’ve ever seen. That doesn’t stop him from judging other people’s work. Hell no. Why would it? Now, he’s sticking the boot into Star Wars. It’s Star Wars versus Star Trek!
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Don’t tell William Shatner about aliens. He knows all about aliens. He was captain of the Starship Enterprise.
He’s met loads of aliens. Admittedly most of them looked identical to minor 1960s television actresses and, by ‘met’, we obviously mean that William Shatner has tried poking his fingers up their mimsies at least once in a boneheaded and morally dubious explanation of what love is, but he’s definitely met them. And that’s why he’s so certain that there is life on other planets.
Yes, William Shatner has come out and conclusively stated his belief in aliens. And, yes, the reason we’re telling you this is because arse-all else has happened today and we’d clearly prefer to screech on about nothing than do decent thing and just shut up for a change. Happy now?
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William Shatner has three things in his life – Star Trek, that video of three of him singing Rocket Man and wild paranoid fury.
And since the first two have already made William Shatner incredibly rich, it’s time for him to turn his attention onto the third – which explains why tonight sees the American premiere of Shatner’s Raw Nerve, a show where William Shatner will interview celebrities by utilising the unique crackpot, paranoid, ego-fuelled, screeching, insecure ranting that appears to have alienated him from everyone he’s ever met. So that’ll be fun.
Incidentally, if you don’t happen to live in America, or do live in America but don’t subscribe to the Bio Channel, you can get a taste of what Shatner’s Raw Nerve will be like by going into a pub on a weekday morning, poking an elderly habitual alcoholic with a stick and whispering the word ‘immigrants’ again and again until his face goes purple and he dies. Just a little heads-up, there.
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William Shatner has three things in his life - Star Trek, that video of three of him singing Rocket Man and wild paranoid fury.
And since the first two have already made William Shatner incredibly rich, it's time for him to turn his attention onto the third - which explains why tonight sees the American premiere of Shatner's Raw Nerve, a show where William Shatner will interview celebrities by utilising the unique crackpot, paranoid, ego-fuelled, screeching, insecure ranting that appears to have alienated him from everyone he's ever met. So that'll be fun.
Incidentally, if you don't happen to live in America, or do live in America but don't subscribe to the Bio Channel, you can get a taste of what Shatner's Raw Nerve will be like by going into a pub on a weekday morning, poking an elderly habitual alcoholic with a stick and whispering the word 'immigrants' again and again until his face goes purple and he dies. Just a little heads-up, there.
George Takei and William Shatner have seen so much together – like new planets, new civilisations and possibly Uhura’s labia.
But despite their 40-year professional obligations to each other, George Takei and William Shatner are still happy to take chunks out of each other in public. Like yesterday, for instance, when William Shatner went on the internet to endlessly bitch about how psychotic George Takei was for not inviting him to his wedding.
At the time, George Takei told everyone that actually he had invited William Shatner to his wedding but, just in case anyone missed it, he’s decided to reassert his claim – while throwing in some new jabs about Shatner’s stability for good measure. On television. Honestly, this is just like that movie Grumpy Old Men, only worse because neither of them are dead yet.
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When you invite William Shatner to your wedding, you only give yourself two possible outcomes.
The first outcome involves him trying to convince the big, white cake he really is a lawyer – and that he absolutely understands all the legal jargon and everything – for the complete duration of your first dance. The second possible outcome involves him crashing a life-size mock-up of the Starship Enterprise through the beautiful gazebo your grandfather lovingly finished building for you the day before his last heart attack.
We heard that last one he actually did to Leonard Nemoy. Seriously – there were tractor beam parts all over the roof, gutters, guest cars and lawn. This is why, we assume, Bill Shatner was not invited to Helmsman Sulu‘s big gay history-book wedding. Shatner doesn’t understand this though, and he seems kinda pissed about his lack of an invite.
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William Shatner brings a sparkle of class to whatever he touches, whether it's TV work, movies or inexplicable covers of Elton John songs sung between three different William Shatners – but the new Star Trek movie won't see any of that.
And that's because William Shatner won't be in the new Star Trek movie. Although he was rumoured to have a cameo in the movie alongside Leonard Nimoy, William Shatner has revealed that meetings with the new Star Trek director JJ Abrams were unsuccessful and the movie will go ahead sans Shatner. And now William Shatner can't stop bitching about the Star Trek snub. But can you blame him? After all, we'd be bitter if our derided egomaniacal role in a TV show that hasn't been made for almost 40 years wasn't reprised in a movie that's set several years before the TV show we starred in 40 years ago, too. Or something. Oh look, we've confused ourselves now.
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