You can’t keep a dead man down, is that the phrase we’re looking for? Oh wait, no its not, we meant to say “you can’t keep a good man down.” Depending on everyone’s personal stance on Michael Jackson, he’s either a God amongst men for looking after monkeys and other wildlife, or a deeply troubled and strange man.
Even though he’s been dead and buried for over a year, Michael Jackson fans still froth at the mouth when the same old stories are recycled.
a) Dr. Conrad Murray being accused of giving Jackson too many happy pills, b) Joe Jackson trying to cash in and c) the impending threat of brand new material. Sony Records have already bagged the rights to these from the Jackson estate, a move which has divided opinion. Will.I.Am has voiced his disgust whilst Akon has praised the move. We bet it has nothing to do with the fact he features on one of the tracks that’s being released as a single. Read More >>>
At the time of writing, Cheryl Cole is still the nations’ favourite weird-dress wearing, vomity-ex-husband having, egregiously-wrong autobiographical song-writing gal.
Of course, this will all change when she breaks up girls aloud – hopefully with a large mallet – or when it turns out that one of the numerous celebrity guest judges on The X Factor is far less prone to crying all of the fluid from their body every ten minutes, or turns out to have a more comprehensible accent, or is less liable to turn up in a dress made of, I dunno, spanners and bottle tops. Or when everyone remembers the fact that she is a violent racist.
The point is, she’s the nations’ darling and we ain’t never not gonna not let her go. Especially not to America.
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Michael Jackson’s corpse has had an incredibly busy time of things hasn’t it? First, his ghost appeared on some news programme in America, as well as appearing under a giant silver cloche at his mind-melting send-off that was televised and sneered at by Trevor Nelson. Then everyone poked at it in their minds like an open sore so they could cry all over again whilst listening to Man in the Mirror.
Now he’s got a new album coming out! He’s like Tupac or something! And it already has a bad review!
Black Eyed Peas thingy (singer? Rapper?) will.i.am has insisted that an album of unreleased Michael Jackson songs should not be put out. Read More >>>
Everyone loves Cheryl Cole – what with her shiny hair, impenetrable regional accent and fondness for morons.
She’s adorable. Cheryl Cole is so adorable, in fact, that the Black Eyed Peas are quickly falling under her spell. There have long been rumours that Will.I.Am and Cheryl Cole either had or are having some sort of romance, and now his bandmate Fergie has joined the party by admitting a crush on Cheryl too. Cheryl’s a lucky woman – what we wouldn’t give to be wooed by an occasionally incontinent bisexual former meth addict.
So that’s half of the Black Eyed Peas who now love Cheryl Cole. Maybe more – for all we know the other two could be in love with her as well. It’s hard to say for sure, though, because we don’t know how they feel. Or what their names are. Or what they look like, actually.
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No you idiot, blending food with people isn’t some sort of new game we came up with over the weekend after downing copious amounts of beer.
We’d quite happily try it, but unfortunately we’re a bit cack-handed when it comes to the illustration department. But if any of you get bored and have ran out of pornography to tug over, feel free to sketch something. You could give Cheryl Cole chicken drumstick breasts!
In the majority of cases, it’s always assumed that celebrities lead lifestyles that’d make the common dweeb want to cry. Simply looking at Leona Lewis makes us all realise that counting individual blades of grass in a field gives more joy than speaking to someone devoid of personality. Don’t be let down that Will.I.Am and Cheryl Cole don’t do wild things like buying Mexican midgets and getting them to fight to death. No, those two engage in more common activities.
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Perez Hilton is right. Violence is not the answer. Endless blubbery internet videos are the answer.
No? They’re not the answer either? OK then, what about furious stroppy little lawsuits against people who manage rubbish bands? Are they the answer? They are? Hooray, because Perez Hilton has just sued the Black Eyed Peas road manager who apparently punched him this weekend.
Actually, we shouldn’t mock. This is a big step for Perez Hilton – he actually filed the lawsuit himself instead of going onto Twitter and asking everyone to do it for him. Well done Perez Hilton! You’ll be a real boy one day!
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We at hecklerspray feel nothing but intense sympathy for the shining beacon of all celebrity cock-drawing that is Perez Hilton after the suffering he must have been through recently.
Not only has he allegedly been attacked by will.i.am/Bill.I.Was/Frank Arnesen/whatever’s manager, he’s now been insulted by a man who vies with Robert Pattinson for the title of ‘Man Who Has Personality Most Like A Brick Wall’ - John Mayer – and the Gay and Lesbian Alliance Against Defamation hate him too.
The musicians, the celebrities, the gays – is there anyone who doesn’t hate Perez Hilton?
Anyone? No?
Ah.
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Let’s quickly clear that headline up. Perez Hilton and Will.I.Am are having a squabble, and we think we might die of boredom.
Apparently Will.I.Am went up to Perez Hilton on Monday morning and got all “Mer mer mer” and Perez went “Mer mer? Mer mer MER mer!” back. Then something dreary happened and they’ve both made videos where they’re crying and screaming and it’s all fairly tedious.
Listen here Perez Hilton. You don’t have the monopoly on this. Next Tuesday in the soup aisle of Asda we’re going to give Bernie Clifton a wedgie. There, how do you like THAT?
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