Think about Will Smith in your piddling mind. Go on. Try. What are you thinking? That he seems like an inoffensively nice bloke. The kind of chap you could take home to mama and everything would be AOK?
WRONG! JESUS CHRIST, WHAT’S WRONG WITH YOU? THE MAN IS CLEARLY A MONSTER!
How so? Well, you may have seen recently, that the cast of the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air go back together for a nice reunion. One person wasn’t there. That person is Janet Hubert and she wants you all to know the truth about Will Smith and what a massive jerk he is. Honest. He’s nearly as bad as Lucifer himself. No, it’s nothing to do with his pop-rap career which blossomed with a WIKKIWILDWILDWEST.
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May 2012 will see the return of Men In Black in the imaginatively titled Men In Black 3. Once again, we’ll be seeing Will Smith ostensibly being The Fresh Prince: Still Has A Job With The Government and Tommy Lee Jones looking really, really old.
Of course, the first MIB was something of a light-relief puffpiece which was the remedy to the shade of loads of overbearing, dense sci-fi flicks… but now?
Well, it’s just nakedly nothing more than franchisism. Is their any point to a new Men In Black film? YES THERE IS. AND WE’LL HALF-HEARTEDLY TELL YOU WHY.
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What is Kevin Costner famous for? Well, he sang I Will Always Love You and said “back, and to the left” for five hours straight in JFK and… uh… he was in the terrible Waterworld. And that’s about it.
And now, getting the chance to redeem himself from such atrocities, he now being lamer than a horse sanctuary, wimping out of Quentin Tarantino’s ‘Django Unchained’.
Thank god we’ve got Kurt Russell – a real man – to take his place. Whaddaguy!
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The murky swamp of celebrity gossip has been threatening to drown Jada Pinkett-Smith or, at the very least, feed her to a float of hungry crocodiles with an agenda against the Wachowski Brothers.
After rumours emerged that her fame is almost completely linked to being Will Smith’s wife, Pinkett-Smith was under close scrutiny to prove that she could still get work without water-skiing the afore-mentioned swamp, using Mr Smith’s coattails to keep herself upright.
Pinkett-Smith, currently appearing in the widely panned but yet renewed TNT series ‘Hawthorne’, has said that she is grateful for the support of her husband.
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As well you know, Jennifer Lopez split up with her fella, Marc Anthony recently, and everyone was so shocked that the UN set up a helpline to stop us all from committing suicide in the streets. It really was an awful time.
It’s about to get worse.
See, Marc Anthony is not happy to just break one celebrity marriage now that he’s been reported to be “inappropriately close” to Jada Pinkett Smith – or, if you prefer, Will Smith’s wife. Oooooooh. Don’t mess with lovely Will Smith.
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Ex-Fresh Prince of Bel-Air star (and sod all else) Alfonso Ribeiro has been placed on high alert to answer inane questions about his infinitely more famous ex-colleague Will Smith’s marriage. This is the first time Alfonso has been hounded by paparazzi and reporters since he was accused of beating a supermodel to death after she supposedly called him a ‘miserable has-been’.
Alfonso won’t mind us including that completely fictional point there. It’ll keep his profile up.
It was alleged earlier this week that Will and Jada had separated, sparking a wave of hysterical nonchalance to spread around the world.
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The best ears in rap are coming back! Yep, you guessed it, Will Smith is to return to the mic to show those odiously gifted children of his how it should be done. No mucking about with Bieber, no whipping of hair. It’s all about making the friendliest hip hop since DJ Sven and MC Miker G.
Apparently, he’ll be working with someone called La Mar ‘Mars’ Edwards.
We can be thankful that didn’t read Bruno Mars who has the distinction of being the most punchable person on planet Earth right now. We’d like to punch Bruno Mars so hard that all that is left of him is a horrible little stain on our knuckles. But we’re talking about the lovable eared Will Smith. Aww. Ain’t he grand?
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The Fresh Prince of Bel Air was the platform that launched Will Smith’s career and introduced an entire generation to the high-top fade and the fashion miracle that is a blazer that’s been turned inside out.
The show ended 15 years ago (and has subsequently been repeated more times than Friends) but one of the shows former stars, Tatyana Ali, who played Will’s cousin Ashley Banks, has confirmed that the original cast are in talks about doing a reunion.
We can’t help but wonder which Aunt Viv they’ll bring back though.
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