This is just a hunch, but we’re expecting Will Ferrell to be named as People’s sexiest man alive next year.

Because, seriously, that man is loaded. He gets paid so much money. Too much money, in fact. And he doesn’t deserve a bloody penny of it. That’s according to Forbes, at least – Will Ferrell has come out on top of a list 0f Hollywood’s most overpaid stars. The list claims that Will Ferrell only earns his investors a return of $3.29 for every dollar he’s paid.

Why such a poor figure? Well, it’s partly because Land Of The Lost flopped, partly because comedy is notoriously difficult to sell around the world and partly because Will Ferrell has cold dead eyes and a rapist’s haircut. Possibly.

What makes a good actor? Commitment? Research? An ability to emotionally connect with an audience? No, you idiot. What makes a good actor is the comparative financial return that they make for investors based on their salary. That’s why Matt Damon is a great actor and Will Ferrell is the worst, stupidest, actor to have ever walked the Earth.

According to a new Forbes list, Will Ferrell is the most overpaid star in Hollywood because he only makes $3.29 back for each dollar he’s paid. Compare this to Naomi Watts, who earns investors $44 for every dollar she’s paid, and you can see what an underwhelming amount that is.

That’s not necessarily a helpful comparison – Naomi Watts’ figure is so much higher because she’s generally paid less than Will Ferrell, her films cost less to make and she rarely carries movies by herself, plus the fact that her name is a guarantee that you’re either going to see her boobs or the outline of at least one of her nipples through a skimpy top at some point – but it must still be a worry for Will. ABC reports:

Ferrell took first place largely due to the flop of his summer 2009 movie “Land of the Lost”, which Forbes said cost an estimated $100 million to make but earned just $65 million at box offices worldwide for movie studio Universal Pictures. The movie followed a disappointing $43 million box office for Ferrell’s 2008 outing “Semi-Pro”, and $128 million for “Step Brothers”.

We should probably point out that Will Ferrell was part of a list of overpaid actors, but we’re trying not to mention that because it’ll only depress Ferrell further. For instance, Ewan McGregor came second in the list. And when was the last time you ever got excited about a Ewan McGregor film? This year? Last year? This decade? Ewan McGregor is awful, and he’s still better value for money than Will Ferrell.

Other actors on the list include Tom Cruise – a man who only makes films so that people can tell him how rubbish he is in them – and Billy Bob Thornton. Billy Bob Thornton, for crying out loud. He can’t even do an interview properly, let alone a bloody film. Seriously, Will Ferrell must be feeling terrible.

There’s only one thing for it. To turn this around, Will Ferrell will have to start taking on Naomi Watts-style roles before it’s too late. He should sign up for impossibly minor roles in bad Clive Owen films, harrowing remakes of brutally amoral German horror films and London-set films where members of the Lord Of The Rings cast beat a large number Russian gangsters to death with their bare penises. That will definitely revive Will Ferrell’s fortunes as a Hollywood commodity.

We expect a consultancy fee for this advice.

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Will Ferrell is back for more.

The master of stupidity returns to play misguided scientist Rick Marshall in a bid to break the laws of space and time. Rick claims to have discovered time travel with his Tachyon Amplifier, only to be ridiculed by scientists, the media and everyone who isn’t dog-barking mad. The amplifier works, transporting Marshall, his sexy research assistant Holly (Anna Friel) and redneck buddy Will (Danny McBride) to a post apocalyptic world of aliens, dinosaurs and freaks.

Giant crabs, UFOs and little hairy men are encountered by the group, along with ‘grumpy’ a T-Rex that takes a particular dislike to Marhsall and chases him all over the film. If the group can somehow get home, they’ll be heroes. If they can’t, they’re dinner. Will Ferrell is guaranteed to break your back with laughter in this ridiculous sci-fi comedy. Don’t miss it!

In these days of giant fighting space robots, it’s rare for a movie to top the weekend box office for more than a week.

But Up’s done it. Pixar’s heartwarming tale of a little old man who becomes so insane with indescribable grief that he literally has to leave the face of the Earth has remained number one at the US weekend box office.

See Dreamworks? This is how you sell a cartoon. Now make sure that Kung Fu Panda 2 ends with the panda developing a harrowing alcohol dependency, and be quick about it. There’s money to be made!

Traditionally the summertime weekend box office is a time for one insultingly expensive tentpole studio movie after another to take the top spot. But this week that’s not the case at all. Land Of The Lost – the biggest film of Will Ferrell’s career to date – was supposed to romp home with the top spot today, but it hasn’t. It hasn’t because it isn’t funny. Land Of The Lost is so unfunny that people would rather see Up – a film where a woman dies of old age in the first few minutes – because it’s funnier.

Remember that next time, Will Ferrell – more old ladies dying of old age in your movies, please. Here’s the US weekend box office top five…

1 - Up (Since Pixar’s stock-in-trade is now the monumentally harrowing story told in a distractingly cartoony way, we feel it’s safe to reveal that the plot of next year’s Toy Story 3 is basically the plot of Requiem For A Dream, which ends with Buzz Lightyear’s arm rotten and mangled from years of habitual heroin addiction, and Mrs Potato Head reduced to starring in live-action double-ended dildo shows for money. It’ll be fun) $44,244,000

2 - The Hangover (Much has been made of The Hangover’s similarity to 1998’s Very Bad Things. However, we’d argue that this isn’t the case at all, for the simple reason that The Hangover doesn’t feature Cameron Diaz popping up to make a noise like a cat getting its genitals caught in an electric insect-killer every four or five minutes. Thanks for that, by the way, The Hangover) $43,275,000

3 - Land Of The Lost (Compare Land Of The Lost’s weekend box office failure with Talladega Nights’ box office success and take notes – Will Ferrell running in circles in his underpants, good. Will Ferrell dousing himself in dinosaur urine, bad. Remember that) $19,524,000

4 - Night At The Museum: Battle Of The Smithsonian (We haven’t seen Night At The Museum: Night At The Smithsonian yet, but on the off-chance that we do and we don’t like it, we’ve already chosen an alternative title for it – Shite At The Pooseum: Twattle Of The Pissonibum. Feel free to use it, by the way) $14,650,000

5 - Star Trek (We also haven’t seen Star Trek yet but, um, oh we dunno, Bra Trek? Anyone?) $8,400,000

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9 – A bunch more reasons to be terrified of caterpillars – Environmentalgraffiti

8 – Bear Grylls and Will Ferrell – a marriage made in… what? They’re not married? Fine – YouTube

7 - 20 flat-out amazing TV adverts for different sorts of Star Wars crap - Gunaxin

6 - Here’s that Cassetteboy/ Apprentice mash-up you’ve already seen a million times – YouTube

5 – Beating a man up with a live swan: cruel or awesome? Cruel, obviously. But, you know… - Spiegel

4 – Look at this quite nice picture of an iceberg – Flickr

3 – Here’s a disturbing video of a man in a dress rapping about why he doesn’t like long films – YouTube

2 – This just in: you are DIRTY – Nationalgeographic

1 - This man will be in the next James Bond film. Guaranteed…

9 - You know that Octomom porno movie? Here’s the poster, and somewhat inevitable name – Bestweekever

8 – For some reason, the headline of this article made us scared to go outside – Livescience

7 – Look, it’s Hitler as a baby. No, really, it’s Hitler as a baby – Amphetamines

6 - 10 facts about orgasms - TED

5 - This clock is cool, so long as a) you’re old and b) you didn’t have many friends as a child – Flickr

4 - Things you shouldn’t read if you’re going skydiving with your little brother on Sunday, number one - ABC

3 - Some prissy little orders to JJ Abrams for inclusion in Star Trek 2 – Movieretriever

2 - So you’re a professional cheese carver. What do you look like? Your first guess was correct - YouTube

1 - This is currently one of the most-watched videos on YouTube. We hate the internet…

9 – Put anything in slow motion and we’re definitely get the horn. FACT – Vimeo

8 – Will Ferrell drinks his own urine. That’s roughly all you need to know – Yahoo

7 – Spam headlines. 100 of them. Funny - Cracked

6 – We have no idea how genuine this is, but ickkkkk (It’s not genuine) – I Am Bored

5 – Fox suddenly realises that it cancelled Arrested Development and makes the television equivalent of a drunken regret-filled 3am phonecall to make amends – Hollywoodreporter

4 – The woman who won X Factor. Hard at work. Sort of – Popjustice

3 – Colouring-in wallpaper. We’d quite like some – Domesticsluttery

2 – Eat these foods and you will sleep. Or, in the case of the first example, ping around any given room like a burning child – RD

1 – Thank you, this man, for restoring our utter faith in humanity…

5 – What? You want 10 videos of famous people falling over? OK! – Best Week Ever

4 - Jason Lee doesn’t know if his own daughter has a name or not, the hairy-faced Scientology clodge – Monsters And Critics

3 - What? You want to know how to make a Ninja Blinding Egg? OK! - Instructables

2 - If we’re not here next week, it’s because we’ve become professional pie tasters. They still have vacancies, so you should apply too and then we can, you know, hang out and stuff – BBC

1 - Will Ferrell talks to his fans online. It sounds like some of you may have written the bulk of the questions…

Thing is, though, it seems you know so much about Semi-Pro from all of this that none of you bothered to actually go and see the thing.

Although Semi-Pro is the US weekend box office number one, it only managed to scrape together a meagre $15,200,000 – roughly a tenth that Spider-Man 3 made in the same amount of time. Does Semi-Pro's relative failure mean that the public is getting sick of Will Ferrell sports comedies? Well, yes. Plainly it does. Can't you people read?

You know what you're getting when Will Ferrell makes a film. You're going to get at least two of the following – 1) an ironic 1970s setting, 2) a tired sports theme and 3) giant belly laughs. But it seems with Semi-Pro, you only got the first two. Even though it's number one at the weekend box office, Semi-Pro opened three times worse than Talladega Nights and twice as bad as Blades Of Glory. And even less than Meet The Spartans. That's all the criticism it needs. Here's the US weekend box office top five…

1 - Semi Pro (So the wheels have finally come off the Will Ferrell sports movie wagon. Although in the long-term that might push Will Ferrell to make more interesting stuff like Stranger Than Fiction, it spells disaster for the upcoming Untitled Will Ferrell Snooker Project, Untitled Will Ferrell Darts Project and Untitled Will Ferrell Unicycle Hockey Project) $15,200,000

2 – Vantage Point (Vantage Point really missed a trick, you know. Instead of showing a murder from multiple viewpoints, it could have just shown it from one and saved everyone from wasting an hour and a quarter of everyone's lives) $13,000,000

3 - The Spiderwick Chronicles (We're still steadfastly refusing to look up what The Spiderwick Chronicles is actually about but, since it's been in the weekend box office for three whole weeks now, we're almost completely certain that it's not a Will Ferrell sports movie) $8,752,000

4 - The Other Boleyn Girl (Seriously, our world is turning upside down this week. It's not just ironic Will Ferrell advertising spots that are stopping movies from doing well this week, it's lesbian kisses between Scarlett Johansson and Natalie Portman too. What's going on? We're scared) $8,300,000

5 - Jumper (Finally, some normality. Jumper continues to lose huge amounts of viewers week after week. Thank God for shitty-looking action films!) $7,600,000

Read more:

Weekend Box Office - Box Office Mojo 

But as experienced as we are, we'll never be as flat-out incredible at autograph-signing as Johnny Depp. For the third year straight, Johnny Depp has been named as the best Hollywood signer by Autograph magazine for the way he unfailingly manages to put a pen onto some paper and spell his own name correctly without mistaking the pen for some corn on the cob and eating it or inadvertently writing 'Fabian Gottlieb von Bellingshausen' or 'Lunar Orbiter 3' instead of 'Johnny Depp'. Truly the man deserves a medal.

Although it's easy to mock celebrities who don't sign autographs – because writing your own name a few times a day must really make these people want to give up earning tens of millions of dollars every year – it must get a bit tiring to see squat little men waddling up to you with foot-thick piles of photos and being expected to sign every one, especially when every one of them swears blind that their name is Winner Of eBay Item 120129428830.

And although having a celebrity refuse to sign their autograph can be slightly annoying to the regular man on the street, it's literally the worst thing that can happen to the staff and readers of Autograph magazine. Yes, there is an Autograph magazine, and the articles are very good – especially last month's feature entitled Christian Bale Has Started Drawing A Little Heart Over The I In His Name Instead of Dotting It, The Twonk.

Anyway, to name and shame the best and worst celebrity autograph signers in Hollywood, Autograph magazine routinely holds an annual Best Hollywood Signer poll. And Johnny Depp usually wins these polls with equal routine for the way he puts his fans at ease throughout the duration of the tricky autograph-signing process. That's no different this year, because Autograph magazine has called Johnny Depp the best signer of the year. According to Autograph magazine's editor and publisher Steve Cyrkin:

"It's the third consecutive year Depp has topped the list of the 10 best signers. Whether at a premiere, in a restaurant or on location, Depp may just be the best Hollywood autograph signer of all time."

However, while the usual likes of George Clooney, Matt Damon and Jack Nicholson can also be found in the top signers list, there's more fun to be had looking at the worst signers. And the worst two autograph signers in the world today are Tobey Maguire and Will Ferrell.

Now Maguire we can understand – he's always had a slightly twatty demeanour, and we're sure he's getting sick of people asking for his autograph as a front to slap him in the face while screaming "What the hell did you do to Spider-Man 3 you arsehole?" – but Will Ferrell?

We always thought that Will Ferrell was a friendly, approachable man. Seems not, though, because Cyrkin explains:

"What's so frustrating about Will Ferrell being the worst autograph signer this past year is that he used to be so nice to fans and collectors, and a great signer. What makes him so bad is that he'll taunt people asking for his autograph."

Sounds upsetting, but let's not be hasty – for all we know Will Ferrell might just be researching for a film role about an arrogant autograph-signer who one day breaks his signing finger and then goes on a hilarious, yet redeeming, journey of recovery. You know, like he did in Anchorman. And Blades Of Glory. And Talladega Nights. And Bewitched. And Semi-Pro. So, you know, it's not unfeasible.

Read more:

Depp named top autograph signer as Ferrell bombs – Reuters