We live in a world where you can’t mentally and physically abuse one of your children without getting crossed off the will. Frankly, it’s unfair. If it wasn’t for those constant ass-whuppings, Michael Jackson would never have sung so good in the Jackson 5, right?
And now, poor ol’ Joe has seen all that hard work he put into absolutely terrifying his son half to death, thrown back in his face. All those long, gruelling hours threatening to kill him and tear Michael a new arse with the buckle end of the belt, now mean nothing.
That’s right. A mere 24 hours after Michael Jackson was crowned as the top-earning corpse celebrity, a California appeals court rejected a bid by Joe Jackson to challenge the administration of his son’s estate.
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Michael Jackson fans love us writing about their favourite popstar. We pull their noses and they get to try and outdo each other with hyperbolic claims of infatuation and true fandom. We all prop each other up, like recovering drunks in a day centre.
Someone who loves Michael Jackson more than any of us is his dad Joe. Or, more accurately, Joe really loves those pennies that MJ earned in his life.
As such, Joe Jackson is now going through the courts to get his mitts on the moolah.
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When Michael Jackson died the world let out a gasp.
Some did so out of a profound sadness, some out of shock, and some just because now their wee sons could go outside unattended.
Not long after, people started worrying about Jackson’s estate. Who would get his Beatles rights? Who’d inherit the dusty set of Captain EO - and what was to happen to his pickled penis?
We heard it’s had kind of a dill/vinegar wrap on since he was twelve.
It ends up the will that made such material designations – according to Randy Jackson – it has a forged signature.
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News likely to shock anyone with eyes, a brain, at least an ear and possibly a face just in! Love child scandal! Fiasco! Controversy! Other shocking words to grab attention!
For it seems that those who are fit to make claims – i.e. the British tabloids – are doing just that, in claiming that Michael Jackson has an illicit love-baby who is now a full-man.
Yes, a full-man named Omer Bhatti, who also happens to be a Norwegian rapper.
Well that’s it settled then – if he’s a Norwegian rapper he has to be Michael Jackson‘s illegitimate, product-of-a-one-night-stand son.
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Sean Connery would be rubbish on Grumpy Old Men – but stick him in a show called Compulsively Aggressive Old Men Full Of Blind Hatred For Humanity and you’re away.
Or at least that’s the theory. Having allegedly made enemies of his friends, neighbours and everyone who’s ever seen Zardoz from start to finish, Sean Connery has now apparently turned on his son Jason.
According to a book written by his ex-wife Diane Cilento, Sean Connery’s tricks have included removing Jason from his will and threatening to kill him during an argument about his name.
Apparently, it was all an effort to get Jason to stand on his own two feet, and it worked – without Sean’s help Jason would have never founded the My Dad’s A Miserly Bald Sod Who Inexplicably Wants Me Dead support group. Thanks Sean!
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Bitter, distasteful fights about a dead celebrity’s possessions tend to take place while the dead celebrity is still warm.
So we have nothing but respect for the family and former manager of Ray Charles, who managed to remain peaceful and amicable until he was long-dead, completely cold and probably quite rotten, and then they started having bitter, distasteful fights about his possessions.
Ray Charles’ 12 children have accused manager Joe Adams of tarnishing their father’s memory by releasing two Ray Charles albums posthumously that Ray would have never approved. We’re not so sure about that – Ray Charles Sings The Hits Of Emma Bunton and Ray Charles Mumbles To Himself About His Slippers have always been long-time favourites of ours.
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You never know when you'll die, but we have a feeling that we'll be around for a few more years thanks to our lack of illegitimate love children.
Because, without an illegitimate love child there'll be nobody around to contest our will and heap even more emotional suffering on our already distraught loved ones. And that's as big a part of death as toe-tags and scratching on the inside of your coffin at your own funeral.
Luckily though, Heath Ledger was ready for death because if reports are to be believed, Heath Ledger fathered an illegitimate love child when he was 17. Now, finally, perhaps people can start gracelessly squabbling over Heath's estate in a way that's uncomfortable to watch. About time too, if you ask us.
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Above all else, Heath Ledger's death was a lesson for us all that we should all get our affairs in order before we accidentally overdose on a deadly cocktail of prescription medicine while naked.
Because Heath Ledger didn't do that at all, which means his daughter Matilda has been left out of his will completely.
But rather than tear the Ledger family apart, as is usually the case when a celebrity dies with an out-of-date will, Heath Ledger's father has said that Matilda is the family's highest interest and that she will be 'looked after'. At least we think that's what he said. He was a little out of breath from shovelling all those shoe boxes of cash underneath the floorboards at the time.
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We live in a world where you can’t mentally and physically abuse one of your children without getting crossed off the will. Frankly, it’s unfair. If it wasn’t for those constant ass-whuppings, Michael Jackson would never have sung so good in the Jackson 5, right?
