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Rob Lowe Nanny Lawsuits: Now With Cockrings!

by Stuart Heritage

That’s it, we’re giving up this stupid blogging lark to become nannies at Rob Lowe’s house – it sounds brilliant there.

Why? Because a new chapter has been opened in the supremely entertaining he said/ she said lawsuits between Rob Lowe and his former nannies. Now a second former nanny has sued the Lowes, but funnily enough Rob Lowe’s name doesn’t really come up.

Instead it’s Rob Lowe’s wife Sheryl Lowe who’s been hit with the brunt of accusations, and they’re ones you’ll want to read. Assuming, that is, you like hearing about a sexually-curious naked woman describing the size of her childrens’ penises and showing Rob Lowe’s cockrings to whoever happens to be passing. You do like that, don’t you?

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Paris Hilton Equals Perfect Wife, Says Obviously Android Boyfriend

by hecklerspray staff

The great thing about love is that there really is someone for everyone.

Just look at Sloth and Chunk from The Goonies. Sloth, a malformed man-beast with a saliva control problem and a wonky eye, loved Chunk even though he was an unfortunate-looking kid who got left behind like the whiny dead weight he was.

The same is true for Paris Hilton and her boyfriend Benji Madden. Really the exact same, actually. This modern day Sloth and Chunk are so in love that Benji has slipped nicely into delirium and is blabbering to anyonethat’ll listen about how Paris is perfect wife material. See? Just like Sloth and Chunk. Only more repellent.

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Gary Coleman Divorces Kind-Hearted Non-Angry Non-Midget

by Shawn Lindseth

It is with great sorrow and low-hung heads that we bring you this news: Heaven is broken and love hath not glue.

Was that deep? We just wrote that. Nobody else use it as we intend to get it copyrighted and what-not. We’d like to thank Gary Coleman for inspiring to write it, and want him onstage with us if we ever get some sort of literary award for writing it.

He’s heading for splitsville, you know. It’s true – Coleman, usually star of the small screen, sometimes star of the low-budget big screen and most recently star of his bathroom mirror, is having severe marital difficulty. This is almost inconceivable as the man only got hitched like yesterday or something.

Depending on the source, Coleman is either getting a full-fledged divorce on the show Divorce Court, or he’s just going on to get some marital advice. Of course the former is far more sensational of a headline.

It is with great sorrow and low-hung heads that we bring you this news: Heaven is broken and love hath not glue. Was that deep? We just wrote that. Nobody else use it as we intend to get it copyrighted and what-not. We’d like to thank Gary Coleman for inspiring to write it, and want him onstage with us if we ever get some sort of literary award for writing it. He’s heading for splitsville, you know. It’s true - Coleman, usually star of the small screen, sometimes star of the low-budget big screen and most recently star of his bathroom mirror, is having severe marital difficulty. This is almost inconceivable as the man only got hitched like yesterday or something. Depending on the source, Coleman is either getting a full-fledged divorce on the show Divorce Court, or he’s just going on to get some marital advice. Of course the former is far more sensational of a headline.
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Vanilla Ice Arrested For Beating His Wife Wife Baby

by Stuart Heritage

When Vanilla Ice told you to stop, collaborate and listen, he meant it – and if you failed to comply he’d wallop your skull in with a crowbar.

So we can assume that Vanilla Ice’s wife hasn’t been doing very much in the way of stopping, collaborating or listening lately – because Vanilla Ice has been arrested on suspicion of violently assaulting her.

It sounds very serious and deeply worrying, but there’s a glimmer of good news in this as well – by allegedly kicking and punching his terrified wife, Vanilla Ice has become more famous than he has been for 17 years. If only all laughably forgotten novelty performers had the insight to viciously attack a woman, maybe they’d also be enjoying the same spoils as Vanilla Ice right now. The fools.

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Robin Williams’ Wife And Her Giant Mole Are Leaving Him

by Shawn Lindseth

It took 19 years, but Mindy finally threw in the towel. Maybe it was because she got tired of Mork sleeping in a giant egg every night, or maybe it’s because Mork finally grew in to a senior citizen baby and Mindy got tired of having to stoop to kiss him at the door. Whatever the reason, Mindy’s hoofin’ it.

That’s who Robin Williams is married to, right? No? Well whoever he married, she done quit him. The divorce papers filed said something about sleeping with a Brillo pad, and the term ‘more hair than a bearded woolly mammoth’ got thrown around like twice. Other than that not many details are available.

We’d like to take the time to stress what few details we’ve given you so far are completely true. Almost both of them are completely true. Perhaps.

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Matt Damon’s Wife Pregnant With Matt Damon’s Baby

by Stuart Heritage

Like many people, Matt Damon’s boyishly handsome face routinely fools us into thinking that he’s not old enough to produce sperm in his testes yet.

But he is. Because Matt Damon is 37 years old, which is plenty old enough to knock his wife up a bunch of times. And just to remind of that fact, Matt Damon has got his wife Luciana pregnant again.

Matt Damon’s reps haven’t confirmed how far along Luciana is but that’s beside the point – the point is that we’re a maximum of nine months away from hearing the latest, most harrowing, legally-questionable and morally-dubious version of I’m Fucking Matt Damon the world has ever seen.

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Cheryl Cole Ridiculously Still With That Husband Of Hers

by Stuart Heritage

It hasn’t been a good weekend for Cheryl Cole – it started on Friday with news that her husband Ashley Cole had dicked a woman and ended yesterday with news that Ashley Cole had dicked another woman.

In fact, the way things are going, there’s a chance that Ashley Cole has probably had sex with you, too, in your sleep or when he walked past you when you were climbing up a ladder. But none of it matters, because Cheryl Cole has vowed to stand by her apparently marauding husband.

Funny, we always thought that Sarah Harding was the stupid one from Girls Aloud.

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Hulk Hogan Gets Suplexed By Divorce News

by Stuart Heritage

Hulk Hogan’s wife must be an idiot to want to divorce him – she’ll never find another old, bald, long-haired, moustachioed, blindly patriotic, sausage-armed, shirt-tearing, pretend-deaf hunk of man as good as the Hulkster as long as she lives.

But that’s just the risk that Linda Marie Bollea is taking, because after 24 happy years of marriage, she getting divorced from Hulk Hogan. Not that she told Hulk Hogan this, of course – that was down to a journalist who’d heard about the divorce and phoned up Hogan to get his opinion, only to discover it was the first he’d heard about it. But now that there’s been time to let the news of his divorce sink in, let’s hope that Hulk Hogan can see the positives in the matter – after all, without a wife around, Hulk Hogan will have much more time to indulge in his hobbies of pumping iron accompanied by widdly-woo 1980s stadium rock and headbutting the flags of various non-American nations.

Hulk Hogan's wife must be an idiot to want to divorce him - she'll never find another old, bald, long-haired, moustachioed, blindly patriotic, sausage-armed, shirt-tearing, pretend-deaf hunk of man as good as the Hulkster as long as she lives. But that's just the risk that Linda Marie Bollea is taking, because after 24 happy years of marriage, she getting divorced from Hulk Hogan. Not that she told Hulk Hogan this, of course - that was down to a journalist who'd heard about the divorce and phoned up Hogan to get his opinion, only to discover it was the first he'd heard about it. But now that there's been time to let the news of his divorce sink in, let's hope that Hulk Hogan can see the positives in the matter - after all, without a wife around, Hulk Hogan will have much more time to indulge in his hobbies of pumping iron accompanied by widdly-woo 1980s stadium rock and headbutting the flags of various non-American nations.
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