Why? Because it’s been announced that sex addict David Duchovny and his wife Tea Leoni have separated, and have been separated for months. Phew! Now, when David Duchovny has you pushed into a corner with a hand down his knickers and a tongue that he’s trying to ram all the way inside your ear, you won’t have to think “Wait a minute, aren’t you married to the woman from Jurassic Park 3? What will she make of all this?”

This separation is obviously the best thing for all involved – David Duchovny gets to lead the free and easy single life that he craves, Tea Leoni won’t have to worry that her husband has strayed and their children will no longer fear stumbling across their father masturbating frantically to a coffee stain shaped a bit like a bra. Everyone’s a winner.

Women don’t appreciate anything, do they? Buy them underwear and they’ll tell you that crotchless PVC is actually quite uncomfortable. Buy them flowers and they’ll accuse you of knowing that they have a deadly pollen allergy. Go to sex addiction rehab to stop your uncontrollable feelings of arousal and they’ll leave you.

The latter is the exact scenario that David Duchovny finds himself in today. Either because he does nothing but wank all day or because he occasionally has extramarital sex, David Duchovny last month checked himself into sex addiction rehab to try and save his marriage. Did it work?

No. No it didn’t. Realising that even a cured sex addict is probably only one bumpy bus journey away from a disgusting globby relapse, Tea Leoni has done the sensible thing and ditched David Duchovny. A joint statement from the couple reads:

“In light of continuous speculation over the lives and marriage of Tea Leoni and David Duchovny, the couple has confirmed that they have in fact been separated for several months. The couple had hoped to keep this separation private for the sake of their children.”

Several months? At least now we know why David Duchovny might have gone to sex addiction rehab in the first place – we’re presuming that it was either as a last-ditch effort to win his estranged wife back, or it was because he was single and he realised that the best place to find a string of sexual partners with suitably low self-esteem was at a live-in sex addiction treatment clinic.

Either way, we maintain that this split is the best solution for everyone. David Duchovny can now act upon the raging mid-life crisis that he’s obviously in the throes of, and Tea Leoni can go and find a new man who’ll never put her through the same trauma. So a eunuch or something. We don’t really know how this works.

By the way, we should probably just clear one thing up. Given that David Duchovny went to sex addiction rehab at roughly the same time that his marriage imploded, you’d be forgiven for thinking that his sex addiction was the cause for the break-up of his marriage to Tea Leoni. It wasn’t.

Instead Tea Leoni left him because she thought The X-Files: I Want To Believe was crap. Well, you would too, wouldn’t you.

OK, maybe not ‘women’ as such. Usher is good at getting one woman pregnant – his wife, Tameka Foster. Just nine months after the birth of their first child, it’s announced that Tameka’s only gone and got another baby on the go.

That’s impressive work, especially when you account for the fact that most couples don’t even reveal their pregnancy until the second trimester. That means Usher managed to knock his wife up less than six months after she had the first baby. That’s either incredible or a bit gruesome, depending on how hung up you are with the idea of tearing and stitches and whatnot. We are, by the way, which probably accounts for the nausea.

Either that or Usher has somehow got us pregnant simply by us writing about it. We wouldn’t put it past him.

Bloody Usher. He can never do something well once, can he? He always has to go back and do it again and again until everyone gets a bit sick of it.

Musically Usher’s always repeating himself – first by making a song called Confessions and then by making a song called Confessions Pt II - and if you were to count all the times that Usher got married to his wife, you’d end up dizzy and terrified by the fact that someone can actually be that pointless.

And now he’s decided to adapt this trait for another aspect of his life, too – babies. Usher’s wife only had Usher’s baby about ten minutes ago, and yet he’s already decided that the time has come to get another slimy bun in the pulsating, fluid-filled oven as quickly as possible. People reports:

Usher is going to be a father for the second time, PEOPLE has learned. The R&B star and his wife Tameka Foster are expecting their second child together, a source close to the singer confirms. Recently, Foster was spotted wearing a belly-disguising outfit during Usher’s Sept. 4 NFL kick-off concert in New York. The dress was “very deceiving,” the source says. “You couldn’t tell she was pregnant when she was sitting down.”

What’s best about all this isn’t that Usher’s obviously so terrifyingly potent that he probably can’t even masturbate into a tissue without it springing up, doing a little dance and following him around calling him ‘papa’ afterwards – it’s that this news has come just a couple of days after Usher announced his ladies-only tour.

You can imagine that Tameka Foster’s thrilled with that, can’t you? She’s sat at home feeling all bloated and elephanty and unloved and he’s off singing sexy songs to crowds of hormone-spazzed women, every single one of whom will be desperately trying to catch his attention. Forget a third baby, Usher’s going to be lucky if Tameka Foster lets him go anywhere near her with his little chap at all after pulling a stunt like that.

Unless, it appears, you’re David Duchovny. Although he’s currently being treated for sex addiction in what we expect to be the stickiest, smelliest rehab facility in the world, a friend of David Duchovny has come forward to point out that at no point did David ever cheat on his wife with another woman. That means, scientifically, that either David Duchovny did a bunch of rude things with vegetables or… or…

Or David Duchovny is addicted to having sex with his own wife. The bloody pervert. Castration’s too good for him. David Duchovny, you’re a big fat embarrassment to mankind.

OK, now we feel bad. Last week, when we reported that David Duchovny was a sex addict, we took precisely the wrong tone with him. You see, we assumed that David Duchovny was addicted to having sex with loads of different women. Sadly that couldn’t be further from the truth.

Reports are now suggesting that David Duchovny has always managed to remain faithful to his wife Tea Leoni. Like this one, from Fox News:

Duchovny did not check in because of an extramarital fling. That much the friend is certain of. Even more so: Duchovny’s problem has been longstanding. His wife, Tea Leoni, was aware of it for some time. It had just reached a point where it had to be treated.

Yes, that’s right – David Duchovny has all the guilt and earache of a sex addict, but none of the spine-tingling pleasure that comes from having the promiscuous sexual appetite of a voracious sex addict. In short, David Duchovny genuinely couldn’t have it any worse than he has now.

Plus, just for good luck, now the whole world knows what a dirty little bastard David Duchovny really is. Dirty boy, David Duchovny. Dirty boy. I Want To Believe? I Want To Believe You’re Not Secretly Tugging Yourself Off Everytime You Put Your Hands In Your Pockets, more like. Dirty boy. Urgh.

Anyway, what the Fox reports implies is that David Duchovny has an addiction to internet porn. If this is true then that’s even more tragic – rather than a sex addiction, Duchovny has an addiction to looking at some jiggly pixels shaped liked tits and then joylessly wiping the manmuck off his belly with a Kleenex a couple of minutes afterwards. That’s much less fun – and think of his carbon footprint, too.

If any of this sounds familiar then it’s probably because of Christie Brinkley’s ex-husband Peter Cook, who was found to spend $3,000 a month on internet porn. Maybe David Duchovny and Peter Cook should meet up, because they’d probably be able to provide help and support to each other during their difficult recoveries.

Or they’d just spend hours discussing whether it’s better to jizz in your pants to a video of lesbian Asian schoolgirls or a live webcam of a pregnant midget fingering herself. Either way, they should probably avoid shaking hands with each other first time they meet.

But, no, maybe it’s best that David Duchovny continues with his traditional sex addiction rehab course. We’re not sure what that entails, obviously – we’re assuming a burly nurse with an electric cattle prod waggles some copies of Hot Jug Housewives around and dares you to have a wank, but that’s just a guess.

Dirty boy, Duchovny. Urgh.

So we may have been a little sceptical about the whole ‘curse’ thing ever since the term started getting bandied around, but on this evidence it’s hard not to think that maybe, just maybe there are nefarious forces at work. Just days after having a serious car accident, Morgan Freeman and his wife of 24 years are to get a divorce.

According to a friend of Freeman, the divorce had been in the works for a while before the accident even occurred – so don’t go accusing Morgan of having a relationship with Demaris Meyer, the passenger in his car during the accident, that was anything beyond platonic friendship.

We thought about it – purely for comedy effect, of course – but libel is too big a word.

No, this is something that has been around for quite a while in the world of Morgan Freeman and his soon-to-be-ex wife Myrna Colley-Lee, who have been separated since December of 2007. So fortunately it does look like it may well be the work of our old friend coincindence and circumstance – or ‘real life’ as it’s sometimes called – and not the frankly ridiculous notion of a curse on a film Morgan starred in.

While he may have known it was coming for a while, it still can’t be good for the old man, who was hospitalised with a broken arm, a broken elbow and neck injuries, and had to undergo an operation to make sure things healed up properly. Sitting, recouperating in hospital and seeing the news splashed all over can’t be a good feeling – so hey, Morgan, if you’re reading – we’ll try and cheer you up!

Isn’t it strange how utterly awful the film Evan Almighty was?

No, that’s not going to work…

Hey – the narration on March of the Penguins was utter balls compared to David Attenborough’s!

Ah, he wouldn’t like that either…

Ah, screw it. Hecklerspray isn’t the greatest medicine for aching bones, we can admit that much.

But it’s not all bad for Morgan Freeman – as his friend and business partner Bill Luckett told the press:

“The doctors have said it will be six months to a year before he plays golf again.”

So… hmm… at least that means he won’t have to play golf again for a while. That could be considered a good thing, if you don’t like golf. What do you mean Luckett said more?

“He hates that.”

Ah.

So you’ve starred in one of the biggest movies of all time, but have seen a co-worker die, another arrested for allegedly threatening his family then you yourself have been in a serious car accident requiring surgery, and it’s become public knowledge that you’re getting a divorce.

At least… people like your freckles? Sorry Morgan, we just can’t do this cheering you up thing – it’s too hard.

And that appears to be the thing that's brought an end to the marriage between Alex Rodriguez and his wife Cynthia. She's just filed for divorce from Alex following claims that he's been involved in a bunch of secret extramarital Kabbalah nooky sessions with Madonna.

Madonna denies any romantic involvement with Alex Rodriguez, but it seems like Cynthia isn't taking the bait. She'll win her man back, that's for sure – she just needs to become the sort of woman that A-Rod likes these days first. Just watch him come running back once she's botoxed her face into total paralysis and had several metres of grotesque artificial vein surgically implanted under the skin of her arms!

As we speak, Madonna and Guy Ritchie are continuing on their hapless 'look, we're still a couple' tour of suitably public spaces – going out to dinner together, praying together, trying to gaze into each other's eyes without vomiting together – but it's fooling nobody. It might be true, but who's going to believe that Madonna's marriage is stable when all the other rumours are so flipping hilarious?

You know the rumours we're talking about – the one where Madonna has been secretly boning Alex Rodriguez after hypnotising him into the sack with the power of Kabbalah, or the one where Cynthia Rodriguez retaliated by thinking "Well, if you can have it off with an old-aged singer who's constantly declining in cultural relevancy, so can I" and ran off to Paris with Lenny Kravitz.

As unlikely as all of that sounds – it's hard to think that anyone, even Madonna, can use an ancient Jewish religious text as a seduction tool – now all kinds of weight has been added to those rumours, because Cynthia Rodriguez has filed for divorce from A-Rod, citing his 'long period of infidelity'.

Or, to put it in a much more amusing way, let's quote Alex Rodriguez's former trainer Dodd Romero:

“Alex, God bless him, is lost. I think he got pulled in by the dark side, if you can say that nicely. He’s totally brainwashed….[Cynthia] believes that is what ruined the marriage.” 

You're thinking about Madonna's dark side, aren't you? You're imagining that it's a euphemism for bum sex, aren't you? No? It's just us again? Seriously?

Anyway, news of this divorce looks set to spark off a fiercely-fought battle for the custody of the Rodriguez kids. It'll be a close-run thing, because there's not a court in the land who'd be able to choose between a father who allegedly abandoned his youngest daughter right after she was born for a cosy night in with Madonna and a mother who abandoned her shortly afterwards so she could go on a cosy break to Paris with Lenny Kravitz. They're both clearly brilliant parents.

But we're just presuming that Alex Rodriguez's marriage has crumbled because of a sexual encounter with Madonna. We could be completely wrong – after all, Guy Ritchie can give Madonna so much more than Rodriguez ever could. How can a multimillionaire athlete ever compete with a spuddy-looking bloke who can cast Madonna in a woeful direct-to-DVD romantic comedy movie whenever he likes? Exactly – Guy wins every time.

Well, get ready for another layer of confusion, because now Alex Rodriguez's wife Cynthia might have run off with Lenny Kravitz. The same Lenny Kravitz who used to be romantically linked to Madonna. However, as confusing and soap opera-y as all of this sounds, it might just all have a happy ending.

After all, Madonna is happy because she might be having sex with Alex Rodriguez, Alex Rodriguez is happy because he might be having sex with Madonna and Alex Rodriguez's wife is happy because she might be having sex with Lenny Kravitz. Everyone's happy. Except for Guy Ritchie, obviously, but it'll be a sad sad day when people start caring about his feelings.

Remember yesterday, when we told you that New York Yankees star Alex Rodriguez was visiting Madonna late at night, even once right after his wife had given birth to their second child? Chances are you may have felt the tiniest twinge of pity towards Rodriguez's wife. After all, nobody likes to be cheated on. Especially moments after childbirth. Especially with veiny old ladies with weirdly immobile faces.

But it's OK, because Cynthia Rodriguez knows that revenge is a dish best served cold. Well, cold or bouncing up and down on a rockstar's genitals, anyway. Apparently she's chosen the latter.

According to reports, Cynthia Rodriguez has left Alex Rodriguez for good and has shacked up with Lenny Kravitz in Paris on some kind of erotic minibreak. Newsday has more:

While Rodriguez deals with accusations that he's been cavorting with Madonna, now comes the news out of left field that his wife Cynthia has fled to Paris for a romantic fling with rocker Lenny Kravitz. According to reports, Cynthia left her two children, the youngest just 3½ months old, back at their Miami home before flying to Paris.

Just so you know, we're actually about to give up blogging. We've decided to move to Miami and take a juvenile therapy course, because as soon as the youngest Rodriguez kid learns that her Dad may have ditched her for some rumpy-pumpy with Madonna and her mother may have ditched her shortly afterwards for some rumpy-pumpy with Lenny Kravitz, she's going to be a neverending source of income for us.

So that's it for today. Join us tomorrow when Guy Ritchie runs off and has an affair with the woman who Lenny Kravitz wrote It Ain't Over 'Til It's Over about, David Banda hooks up with newborn Rodriguez daughter number two and everything collides into a non-stop sex orgy so disgusting that you'll end up vomiting your optical nerve out of your bum.

Should be fun.

You would always be rolling on the floor with laughter and your text messages would be constantly filled with zany LOLs and your knee would have a constant bruise from all that knee-slapping hilarity.

That is unless you’re Bill Murray’s wife, in which case you’d be rolling on the floor after being clocked by your drunk, drugged up husband and you’d have non-hilarity induced bruises. Or at least, those are some of the things Bill Murray’s wife is saying led to her filing for divorce from Bill Murray just now.

Now what do we learn here, ladies? We learn that marrying a man for his stunning good-looks does not make for a lasting relationship.

Bill Murray has brought us many things over the years. He’s brought us movies about ghosts and busters and ghostbusters, and a bunch of other movies, but we really just remember him for Ghostbusters. He also brought many an unfortunate-looking funny men across the world hope in the ways of acquiring ladies like Andie McDowell and Scarlett Johansson.

According to Bill Murray’s wife of ten years, Jennifer Butler Murray, Bill Murray also brought chapters from the Charlie Sheen sex addiction and Dennis Rodman physical violence into their marriage, along with a little pot smoking and whatnot. According to court documents, Bill Murray’s wife cited the following reasons for wanting to divorce Bill Murray:

“…adultery, addiction to marijuana and alcohol, abusive behavior, physical abuse, sexual addictions and frequent abandonment.”

Bill Murray’s wife isn’t just mad that Bill Murray frequently abandoned her at grocery stores, public parks, parties, and the Oscars, but there are lots of juicy, sickening examples in the documents saying that Bill Murray:

“would often leave the state or country without telling [his wife]; travels overseas where he engaged in public and private altercations and sexual liaisons; hit her in the face and then told her she was ‘lucky he didn’t kill her.’ And left threatening voice messages on the home telephone which the minor children have heard.”

Surely, we’ll be hearing statements from Camp Bill pretty soon about how these allegations are false and how Bill Murray’s wife is actually the slimy twat in all of this. Actually, Bill Murray doesn’t have a publicist, or an agent, so maybe we’ll just get a slurred, belligerent voice mail from Bill Murray calling everyone stupid little pigs, confusing himself with Alec Baldwin, and confusing us with his kids.

Well, we forgot to tell you one very important thing – the 911 call that his wife made was mental.

Seriously. And we’re only using the word mental here because no words exist that can accurately describe how flat-out weird the call is. From what we can work out, Vanilla Ice hit his wife because she bought a bed for herself and then, Vanilla Ice starts threatening to kill himself with a motorbike. But, hey, you can hear that for yourself after the jump.

Domestic violence isn’t funny. Well, look, actually it sort of is a bit funny, but only so long as it’s done by men who used to be famous but aren’t any more and just happen to be hopelessly ineffectual at domestic violence.

Perhaps we need to explain this more. A man hitting a woman in the face isn’t funny, but Dennis Rodman squeezing his girlfriend’s arm because he’s drunk and his wife won’t let him see his children is funny. Similarly, all other violent attack on women by men aren’t funny, unless they happen to be conducted by Vanilla Ice and – immediately after the attack occurs – Vanilla Ice’s wife phones 911 and uses the call to complain about how Vanilla Ice never gives her any of his money while Vanilla Ice whines in the background about how he’s going to kill himself.

That is funny. We know this because it happened.

Last month Vanilla Ice was arrested for violently assaulting his wife. As much of a shock as it must have been for Vanilla Ice’s wife, who must have thought “I really preferred you when your wore outlandishly-sized trousers and sung about teenage animatronic tortoises” during the attack, she later dropped the charges against him and all was forgotten.

Until TMZ managed to get hold of the Vanilla Ice domestic battery 911 call, that it. Honestly, it’s just perfect in its descent into utter stupidity. We’ll give you the link to the tape in a second, but first, here are the key moments you’d do well to listen out for:

“He kicked me, he tried to choke me in front of my kid.”

“Is he black or Hispanic?’

“Awww, now he’s threatening to kill himself.”

“He’s mad because he buys everything in the house. He buys all the shoes.”

“I have no bed.”

OK, enough teasing. Enjoy.

Listen to the Vanilla Ice Domestic abuse 911 call now

Why? Because a new chapter has been opened in the supremely entertaining he said/ she said lawsuits between Rob Lowe and his former nannies. Now a second former nanny has sued the Lowes, but funnily enough Rob Lowe’s name doesn’t really come up.

Instead it’s Rob Lowe’s wife Sheryl Lowe who’s been hit with the brunt of accusations, and they’re ones you’ll want to read. Assuming, that is, you like hearing about a sexually-curious naked woman describing the size of her childrens’ penises and showing Rob Lowe’s cockrings to whoever happens to be passing. You do like that, don’t you?

Every man knows that if you’re going to hire a nanny, you need to hire one you can trust to keep quiet when you get drunk and start trying you put your hands in her pants. It’s an unwritten rule, and it’s one that Rob Lowe seems to have forgotten about.

Maybe it’s because he decided to sue his nannies for a million dollars for incredibly vague reasons, but Rob Lowe and his staff seem to have fallen out in a big way. Although on TV with his stupid right-angled head and solitary facial expression Rob Lowe looks like a bit of a dullard, according to his nannies his house is like a scene deleted from Caligula for being too randy.

Right after Rob Lowe launched his lawsuit, a nanny named Jessica Gibson hit back with a countersuit claiming that Lowe had exposed himself to her and tried to put his fingers in her pants. But just before you start thinking “Oh, his poor wife,” it turns out that she might not be so squeaky clean either.

Another former nanny, Laura Boyce, has also countersued the Lowe family and, as TMZ reports, her lawsuit makes some pretty fruity claims about Sheryl Lowe, including allegations of:

- Walking around naked, completely exposing herself to Boyce.

- Asking Boyce about the size of Boyce’s boyfriend’s penis.

- Once saying “laughingly that her husband’s (Rob) cockrings were broken,” allegedly showing them to Boyce.

- Talking about the size of her children’s penises.

- After Boyce allegedly phoned to say she wasn’t coming to work because she was sick, Sheryl allegedly screamed Boyce “got strep throat from sucking nigger dick. I mean black dick.”

Well well, who’d have thought that a woman who married the alcoholic star of a notorious underage sex tape could be so kinky?

Rob and Sheryl Lowe’s attorney Larry Stein has already hit back at Laura Boyce’s claims in a statement, saying:

“Having struck out against Rob Lowe, Gloria Allred now seeks to drag his wife and children into the fray. In response to a lawsuit against Laura Boyce by the Lowes, Ms. Allred filed a cross-complaint on behalf of Boyce, which contains false allegations, in an apparent attempt to divert the negative publicity which Allred’s client, [Jessica] Gibson, has universally received. Although framed as a sexual harassment claim against both Sheryl and Rob Lowe, the cross-complaint alleges only words by Sheryl and never mentions any words or conduct by Rob whatsoever. The alleged statements by Sheryl are totally unrelated to, and do not provide any support for, Gibson’s claims against Rob.”

So it looks like we’re back at square one again. Who to believe – the nannies, who could just be bitterly inventing claims as revenge for Rob Lowe’s original lawsuit; or Rob Lowe, who’s already wrecked his career with a sex scandal once, and his penis-obsessed wife?

It’s a tricky one, and we’re sure the truth will eventually come out in court. And we’re fine with that, so long as a) it’s mucky and graphic and goes on for months and months and contains ever more degrading allegations that nobody can recover from and b) it doesn’t involve Rob Lowe having to model his cockring in public. The world’s just not ready for a harrowing experience like that yet.

Read more:

Nanny Claims Rob Lowe’s Wife Sexual Harasser – TMZ

Just look at Sloth and Chunk from The Goonies. Sloth, a malformed man-beast with a saliva control problem and a wonky eye, loved Chunk even though he was an unfortunate-looking kid who got left behind like the whiny dead weight he was.

The same is true for Paris Hilton and her boyfriend Benji Madden. Really the exact same, actually. This modern day Sloth and Chunk are so in love that Benji has slipped nicely into delirium and is blabbering to anyone that’ll listen about how Paris is perfect wife material. See? Just like Sloth and Chunk. Only more repellent.

Paris Hilton really does know how to rope in the winners, doesn’t she? She made a highly publicised naughty home video with Rick Salomon, then there was Nick Carter who may or may not have knocked her around a bit, and even a guy with whom she shared a first name and probably a variety of communicable diseases, just to name a few. Throw in there some undie-flashing and urinating in moving vehicles, and you’ve got quite a gal there.

But all of that’s okay, you know why? Because all of that experience and whore-bagging has helped shape Paris Hilton into the perfect future wife for her boyfriend Benji Madden (note: if this post just suddenly stops mid sentence, it’s because we simply cannot force ourselves to type the name ‘Benji’ one more blasted time).

Benji Madden – the brother and fellow Good Charlotte bandmate of Joel Madden, father to Nicole Ritchie’s baby, and unconfirmed relation to the shoe designer Steve Madden – has said some things in an interview for Yo on E! on Sirius radio about his relationship with Paris Hilton that has left us scratching our head for so long that we’re hitting raw skull right about now. Stuff like this:

“We have known each other for a long time, and I’ve always known the real Paris. I always knew that she was like…wife material or serious girlfriend material.”

So, if Paris Hilton is considered to be wife material what has Benji Madden rejected as non-wife material? Mail order brides from third world countries polluted with nuclear waste? Maybe he meant to say “material wife” instead of “wife material”.

Regardless, Benji Madden wants the world to know how ridiculously in love he is. He said:

“You just want to get on top of a mountain and go, I’m in love! But your fans would probably make fun of you.”

Of course, one needs fans for them to make fun of you. Luckily for Benji and Paris, you don’t have to be fans to make fun of them, and that’s where we cowboy up and bravely step in.

Read more:

Benji Gets “Sirius” About Paris – OK

Was that deep? We just wrote that. Nobody else use it as we intend to get it copyrighted and what-not. We’d like to thank Gary Coleman for inspiring us to write it, and want him onstage with us if we ever get some sort of literary award for writing it.

He’s heading for splitsville, you know. It’s true – Coleman, usually star of the small screen, sometimes star of the low-budget big screen and most recently star of his bathroom mirror, is having severe marital difficulty. This is almost inconceivable as the man only got hitched like yesterday or something.

Depending on the source, Coleman is either getting a full-fledged divorce on the show Divorce Court, or he’s just going on to get some marital advice. Of course the former is far more sensational of a headline.

According to Livejournal.com:

“Today on a special two-part session of Divorce Court, 80’s child star Gary Coleman and his new wife Shannon have come to Divorce Court seeking Judge Toler’s advice on their troubled marriage before it’s too late. Gary says he met Shannon on a movie set and was glad to know Shannon did not know who he was when they first met. Shannon proposed a year later after an argument. Gary is in love with Shannon and calls her his star protector. Shannon says she is tired of Gary’s anger issues and blames her for anything that goes wrong and is sick of playing the blame game.”

Marital trouble – that’s what it says there. But Hollyscoop takes it a step further:

“Gary Coleman has only been married to his wife Shannon Price for eight months, and they’re going on Divorce Court to end it. Gary opted to go on national television rather than settling in normal people’s court because he’s apparently a big fan of the show. Shannon says the reason she wants a divorce is because all Gary wants to do is play with his train sets and video games instead of going out with her.”

Well train sets are a dark mistress. Our step-dad refuses to even acknowledge our mother unless she starts out each sentence with ‘toot toot.’ The air-horn motion was optional. She does it because she loves him.

Some will remember Coleman got married atop Mt Everest we think, which would actually be pretty ironic for a few reasons if you think about it. His wife may or may not be the same woman he screamed at in a Utah parking lot, and she may or may not be the same person that voted for him when he ran for governor of California. Assuming that vote wasn’t cast by Coleman himself.

Whoever she is – it’s probably a little sad if they actually are getting divorced. If it’s true we’ve heard his wife will return to her job of really making kids birthdays pretty special by running the Chuck-E-Cheese animatronic robots. We can’t specifically say where we heard that as it’s purely fictional and we made it up, but we heard it just the same.

It is currently unknown what Coleman will do if the marriage does end, but it’s speculated he’ll be on the show Little People Big World as Matt’s mysterious half brother who has recently emerged from a life-long coma.

Supposedly his character will have an eye patch.

Read More:

Gary Coleman Will Divorce, Get Paid – The Blemish

 

 

So we can assume that Vanilla Ice’s wife hasn’t been doing very much in the way of stopping, collaborating or listening lately – because Vanilla Ice has been arrested on suspicion of violently assaulting her.

It sounds very serious and deeply worrying, but there’s a glimmer of good news in this as well – by allegedly kicking and punching his terrified wife, Vanilla Ice has become more famous than he has been for 17 years. If only all laughably forgotten novelty performers had the insight to viciously attack a woman, maybe they’d also be enjoying the same spoils as Vanilla Ice right now. The fools.

Back in the early 1990s, Vanilla Ice was the king. Specifically he was the king of wearing awful clothes, having a dreadful haircut and only having one song that was any good. But that was still enough for Vanilla Ice to fulfil his two life-long dreams – performing a song on the soundtrack to a sequel of a movie about animatronic tortoises and putting his hands down Madonna’s pants in a mucky book about doing it.

But that must all seem so long ago now. Now, after about a billion failed comebacks – including one on Channel Five reality TV show The Farm – Vanilla Ice has finally made it! He’s back in the big time!

That’s because, as of right now, Vanilla Ice is the most famous man who was arrested on suspicion of violently attacking his wife last night in the world. Metro reports:

Vanilla Ice (remember him?) has been arrested after an alleged bust-up with his wife. Robert Van Winkle was arrested after his wife, Laura called the police to say her husband was hitting and kicking her, claim reports. Police arrived at his home in Florida and found the 40-year-old motorbike two blocks from their home. According to a local newspaper, Winkle’s wife Laura told a deputy: “He started yelling at me for going out to buy a bedroom set in front of my daughter. “I can’t say any more until I talk to an attorney.

A bedroom set? Oh, well then that’s a different story. We’ve always maintained that violence against a woman is one of the most reprehensible things a man can do, unless it’s about a bedroom set – in which case they’re effing well asking for it.

However, things might not might be as cut and dry at they seem. There are also claims that Vanilla Ice had pushed his wife as opposed to punching and kicking her, and also that she’s bipolar, skipped her medication at threw a picture frame from a balcony at Vanilla Ice and their children.

Vanilla Ice will appear in front of a judge today to find out if the arrest was justifiable – so it’s still by no means certain that this domestic battery arrest has any substance – he does have a history of this sort of thing. In 2004, for example, Vanilla Ice pleaded guilty to the exact same offence.

We’re sure that the full story will emerge over time, provided that the novelty value of being able to write about Vanilla Ice sticks around, at least. But if Vanilla Ice is found guilty and sent to jail, then he’ll have nothing to fear. If violent inmates like one thing, it’s domestic battery prisoners who’ve spent the last two decades as a global cultural joke. He’ll get an easy ride in there for sure.

Read more:

Vanilla Ice arrested after abuse claim – Metro

]]> http://www.hecklerspray.com/vanilla-ice-arrested-for-beating-his-wife-wife-baby/200813528.php/feed 3 http://www.hecklerspray.com/robin-williams-wife-and-her-giant-mole-are-leaving-him/200813192.php http://www.hecklerspray.com/robin-williams-wife-and-her-giant-mole-are-leaving-him/200813192.php#comments Thu, 27 Mar 2008 14:45:01 +0000 Shawn Lindseth http://www.hecklerspray.com/robin-williams-wife-and-her-giant-mole-are-leaving-him/200813192.php It took 19 years, but Mindy finally threw in the towel. Maybe it was because she got tired of Mork sleeping in a giant egg every night, or maybe it's because Mork finally grew in to a senior citizen baby and Mindy got tired of having to stoop to kiss him at the door. Whatever the reason, Mindy's hoofin' it.  

That's who Robin Williams is married to, right? No? Well whoever he married, she done quit him. The divorce papers filed said something about sleeping with a Brillo pad, and the term 'more hair than a bearded woolly mammoth' got thrown around like twice. Other than that not many details are available.    

We'd like to take the time to stress what few details we've given you so far are completely true. Almost both of them are completely true. Perhaps.     

Robin Williams' wife Marsha Garces Williams has had enough of him always recounting the time Julia Roberts magically turned life-sized and kissed him on the mouth. She's also tired of him always carving exquisite clocks and living for 1000 years. And she hates the irreconcilable differences she shares with him too. That's the thing what finally made her head pop, thinks she.   

That's why she's filed legal documentation to officially murder her marriage. According to Reuters:   

"Comedian Robin Williams' second wife, whom he met when she was his nanny, has filed for divorce citing irreconcilable differences, court documents showed on Wednesday. Marsha Garces Williams filed her petition in a San Francisco court late last week. The couple has been separated since Dec. 31, and she is requesting joint custody of their 16-year-old son, Cody, according to the filing."   

Well with all do respect, we can't blame the woman for wanting out. After all – Robin Williams has a doppelganger. It must have been difficult with all those years of not knowing if she was spooning the right husband. We know exactly what that's like Martha - both of those guys spoon exactly the same.   It was to combat hypothermia.  

Read More:  

Mrs. Mrs. Doubtfire Files For Divorce – TMZ 

But he is. Because Matt Damon is 37 years old, which is plenty old enough to knock his wife up a bunch of times. And just to remind of that fact, Matt Damon has got his wife Luciana pregnant again. 

Matt Damon's reps haven't confirmed how far along Luciana is but that's beside the point – the point is that we're a maximum of nine months away from hearing the latest, most harrowing, legally-questionable and morally-dubious version of I'm Fucking Matt Damon the world has ever seen.

A recent survey that Matt Damon is now officially the most successful former star of a gross-out comedy movie about cojoined twins ever. It's impossible to overstate how successful Matt Damon is – he's the most bankable star in the world, the sexiest man in the world, his humorous music videos provoke oddly homophobic retorts, his movies win Oscars even though they're all so shaky that you can't tell what's going on, and – worst of all – he seems like quite a nice chap as well.

Plus his balls work too. So that's something.

It's been revealed that Matt Damon has got his wife Luciana pregnant for the second time, which is either tremendously exciting or a bit of chore to hear about, depending on your gender and fondness for those smug Ocean's films. E! Online reports:

The Bourne Ultimatum star, 37, and his wife, Luciana, 32, are expecting their second child together, his rep, Jennifer Allen, confirmed to E! News. The announcement comes after the Damons walked the red carpet together at London's Empire Film Awards Sunday, where Luciana showed off a baby bump.

It'll be the second baby for Matt Damon and Luciana following the birth of Isabella in 2006. There's also a nine-year-old on the scene from one of Luciana's previous relationships as well.

But just how is Matt Damon's million-dollar lifestyle going to stretch to feeding three children, that's what we want to know. If Matt wants to provide properly for these children, he'll have to hunker down and work harder than ever. And you know what that means? More dreary movies that vaguely allude to the war in Iraq, that's what. Perhaps we can vasectomise him soon when he's not looking or something.

Read more: 

Matt Damon to Be a Dad Again - E! Online

In fact, the way things are going, there's a chance that Ashley Cole has probably had sex with you, too, in your sleep or when he walked past you when you were climbing up a ladder. But none of it matters, because Cheryl Cole has vowed to stand by her apparently marauding husband.

Funny, we always thought that Sarah Harding was the stupid one from Girls Aloud.

When you marry a top-flight footballer, the instant luxury comes at a price – sure, you get to paint yourself bright orange and waddle around with a handbag expensive enough to support a normal family for two or three years, but it's almost guaranteed that at some point your husband will start banging other women and everyone will think you're a moron.

Look at when David Beckham reportedly had that affair with Rebecca Loos, or when Wayne Rooney was caught with that scabby old prostitute – both Victoria Beckham and Coleen McLoughlin decided to jam their fingers in their ears and trade whatever scraps of self-respect they had left for a collection of Ferragamo belts. And now it looks like Cheryl Cole's going to join that club too.

On Friday it was claimed that Cheryl Cole's footballer husband Ashley Cole had drunkenly had sex with 22-year-old Aimee Walton, breaking off the encounter now again to vomit on the carpet. And this was followed up by other reports that Ashley might have also cheated on Cheryl with a model called Brooke Healy and another girl. So, in the face of these allegations, it's only natural for Cheryl Cole to want to kick Ashley to the kerb as fast as she can, right?

Don't be daft – she wants to stick with Ashley. Cheryl told the News Of The World:

"I've been through an emotional rollercoaster, but I'm determined to be strong. Ashley's a wonderful husband and we ARE in love. I won't let this woman destroy our marriage… Obviously, I felt sick to the stomach. What woman and wife wouldn't? And to be honest I felt humiliated and crushed that this girl was saying these things and people were believing it. I don't want anybody to be angry with Ashley or to judge him—that's my job as his wife."

Yes, this is the same fiery Cheryl Cole who had an angry fight with Lily Allen over who had the biggest penis last year. The same Cheryl Cole who allegedly tried to beat up a nightclub toilet attendant because she looked at her funny. The same Cheryl Cole who you'd be honestly too scared to mess with for fear of having to pick your broken teeth off the floor with a dislocated arm afterwards.

And now she's meekly accepting reports that her husband might be a serial shagger just so she can she can continue being half of the Kwiksave Posh & Becks, even though just about everyone on the face of the planet is urging her to dump him as quickly as possible. Honestly, Cheryl can't have been this embarrassed since she was handed the lyric sheet for Something Kinda Ooooh.

Still, that 10/1 we were offering on a Cheryl Cole/ Ashley Cole divorce is starting to look like the bargain of the century, don't you think?

Read more:

Cheryl Cole Says She'll Stand By Ashley – News Of The World