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Whitney Houston

X Factor Recap: Oh Dear, That’s Ricky Loney Done For

by Stuart Heritage

Last night Ricky Loney was eliminated from X Factor. Hopefully you didn’t form a close attachment to him. Oh, of course you didn’t – he was arse-awful.

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Whitney Houston Details Exactly How Berserk Bobby Brown Was

by Stuart Heritage

Whitney Houston got where she is today by following one rule – take so many drugs that you end up looking like wheezy cadaver.

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Whitney Houston’s Comeback Goes As Well As Can Be Expected

by Stuart Heritage

With her new album I Look To You, Whitney Houston has a lot to prove. OK, actually that’s a lie – she doesn’t.

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Whiney Houston’s Coming! Hide Your Crackpipe!

by Stuart Heritage

Hey kids, remember Whitney Houston? Of course you do. Bobby Brown. Gigantic crack addiction. Come on, you remember.

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The Best Famous Kids With Famous Parents Ever!

by hecklerspray staff

A guest blog by Josh from Interestment…

Wow, what a crazy time everyone had at London Fancy Dress Week.

The Geldof sisters were there with Ray Winstone’s oiky little girl. She was with Keith Allen’s offspring, who was probably staring from the corner of his eye at Daisy Lowe’s bosoms, which have been having quite an airing lately, if i-D magazine has anything to do with it.

Of course, Alexa Chung – the only non-celebrity child – was the glue keeping everyone together, with her pipe-cleaner legs and voice like a loudspeaker. What a trendy bunch. And, yet, so difficult to like. It could, of course, sound like a case of sour grapes, but it’s not at all. As this small list of extremely excellent celebrity offspring who we absolutely adore proves…

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Whitney Houston & Bobby Brown Not Rekindling Their Awful Romance

by Stuart Heritage

To quote one of her own bellowed-out power ballads, didn’t Whitney Houston and Bobby Brown almost have it all?

Obviously by ‘it all’ we meant an out-of-control drug addiction, outbursts of domestic abuse, the worst reality TV show in history and a mutual love of manually removing constipated husks of turd out of the rectums of their loved ones with their fingers? Didn’t Whitney Houston and Bobby Brown almost have that?

Well, yes. Yes they did. But that’s all in the past now. Whitney Houston and Bobby Brown definitely aren’t getting back together, no matter how many reports you hear to the contrary. And that denial doesn’t just come from Whitney Houston, but all the imaginary demons she allegedly used to see during her gigantic crack binges as well. So, you know, it must be true.

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Lindsay Lohan’s Toilet Love With Bobby Brown’s Son

by Paul Sorrenti

Bobby Brown’s son (but not Whitney’s) Brandon Brown, has revealed that he was once seduced by Lindsay Lohan in a bathroom or, as the English would more fittingly put it, in a bog.

It’s a typical (Bobby Brown-like) boy meets (Lindsay Lohan-like) girl story:

They meet at a party. They both think ‘ooh, he/she’s fit’. Boy goes to the toilet for a piss. Girl, perhaps aroused by the potential to orgasm whilst simultaneously inhaling the fumes of a conglomeration of random men’s stale urine, follows him in. They have sex. They are now primed to have their first conversation:

Lindsay: Pass us some tissue. Cheers. So, what’s your name and what do you do?

Brandon: My name’s Brandon. My official job title is ‘son’. And you?

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Bobby Brown Not At All Bitter About Whitney Houston, Ahem

by Stuart Heritage

The general opinion of Bobby Brown is that he’s so impossibly unlikeable that it’s beyond the realms of human thought to imagine him being much more of an arsehole.

Kids, he’s done it.

You know how you think that Bobby Brown was the wife-beating idiot who helped plunge Whitney Houston into a spiral of hard drug addiction? Didn’t happen. Bobby Brown has written a book where he claims that Whitney Houston was the one who introduced him to all the drugs. Which all seems so obvious now – what was Whitney Houston’s pre-Brown dancefloor-filler My Name Is Not Susan if not the desperate shriek of a burnt-out husk debilitatingly hooked on delicious antifreeze?

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Whitney Houston’s Comeback Album Ready To Fill Your Stockings

by Stuart Heritage

This Christmas, families around the world will be united by one thing – the sound of a crack-addled hasbeen croaking out pale imitations of her best-loved hits.

Amy Winehouse? Don’t be silly – we’re talking about the queen of substance-deranged power-ballads here, not the scabby-faced pretender to her crack-addled throne, here. That’s right, Whitney Houston is back.

Well, sort of back. Whitney Houston’s comeback album – her first for six years – will be released in time for Christmas. It’d be ready sooner, but it’s going to take nine months of round-the-clock labour to photoshop the album’s artwork so it looks like Whitney Houston’s pupils are the same size and that she’s got teeth and generally looks a bit less identical to Samuel L Jackson in Jungle Fever.

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