After telling everyone that he slept in his car, nearly bankrupting himself to get Whitney Houston into rehab, everyone briefly thought that they had Bobby Brown all wrong. Maybe he’s a nice guy and not the ghoul he’s been painted as?
But then you remember the trouble he’s caused all by himself. Candy Girl being one such unforgiveable example.
So now, we revert to type, with the LAPD saying that Bobby has been arrested for being absolutely ripped to his tits by the wheel of a car. ‘DUI’ if you’re American. ‘Drink driving’ if you live in England. ‘Stop being so soft, he’s fine’ if you’re Scottish.
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There was always going to be something of a media circus after Whitney Houston died. All eyes were on Bobby Brown because… well… he’s barking mad and volatile. He was odds-on to be the biggest, most public wreck of them all.
Along came Bobbi Kristina, Whitney and Bobby’s daughter to completely knock all other lunacy out of the park.
See, it appears she’s been getting off with her brother. No-one saw incest coming along in this script, did they?
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Okay, now that Whitney Houston is dead, we can say all manner of things about her private life because she’s not around to refute accusations. Naturally, we can tag other celebrities into the gossip because they’re needy for attention.
And so, what’s all this about Whitney (dead, unable to defend herself) and Jermaine Jackson (desperate to reflect in the glory of another gigantically huge superstar corpse, again) having an affair?
That’s the story swirling around at the minute and, better yet, it will annoy Berry Gordy, founder of Motown Records. And Bobby Brown lives in a constant state of irritation so nothing will change there.
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Let’s face it, if you only read one celebrity story this week, it really should be this one. Sit back, relax, pop on your limited edition casette single of ‘Unbreak My Heart’, get The Nutty Professor on your DVD player and have a psychiatrist on standby because this is going to blow your tiny mind.
Eddie Murphy is dating Toni Braxton.
Yeah.
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There’s nothing like a cadaver on the front cover of a magazine to really put a spring in your step, right? And the National Enquirer have done us all proud by showing Whitney Houston’s corpse on the face of their magazine!
Of course, this has caused outrage from various media outlets who absolutely didn’t publish Saddam Hussein’s dead body in their publications. It has caused a kerfuffle amongst those who definitely didn’t show the dead bodies of Colonel Gadaffi and Osama Bin Laden.
Or Elvis Presley. Or Marilyn Monroe. Or JFK. Or John Lennon. Or Kurt Cobain. Or the jumpers of the 9/11 tragedy. Or a picture of the bath in which Whitney died.
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No doubt we’ll be getting a lot of angry letters about that headline. So we’ll ask you to read it again. Channel 5. Not us. All members of hecklerspray are perfectly potty trained and respectful of burial rights.
Alas, someone at Britain’s 5 most popular bog standard telly channel let slip a bit of ‘oopsie’ in the form of two very badly matched adverts. It could be a truly tragic error, or it could be the work of a moustache twirling baddie switching tapes around before tying young women to railway tracks.
Whatever, you’ll probably blame it all on us anyway.
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The news has been breaking steadily all week and now, in possibly the last piece of breaking breaking news, Whitney Houston is unequivocally dead. We dug her up from her grave in New Jersey and she looked absolutely, definitely dead.
Of course, many of you will have seen the performances of the stars at her televised funeral over the weekend which lasted roughly 30 hours. Alicia Keys was on hand to grunt down a mic and show a bit of her bra off, which was nice.
But alas, Whitney Houston remained as dead as she was when she died in the bathtub last week. No matter how many stories appear in the press, Whitney Houston only gets deader.
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Remember Bobby Brown? Yeah! Two Can Play At That Game, member of New Edition and generally accused of absolutely everything that went wrong in Whitney Houston’s life, ever.
The Bobby Brown who nearly beat someone up on television for being gay and trying to come on to him. THAT Bobby Brown, yeah!
Anyway, Bobby – who is probably a really, really nice, healthy, lovely guy – is being accused of trying to muscle in on his dead ex-wife’s millions. His dead ex-wife is Whitney Houston, if you needed the insultingly obvious pointing out to you. This cash-grab is a massive, massive surprise for everyone isn’t it?
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