Hey kids, remember Whitney Houston? Of course you do. Bobby Brown. Gigantic crack addiction. Come on, you remember.

Oh, don’t be like that. You know who Whitney Houston is. Come on. Bobby Brown. Domestic abuse. You remember. Whitney Houston. Hallucinating imaginary demons. Gruesome reliance on sex aids. No teeth. No? Oh, come on. It’s Whitney Houston! Looks like Otzi The Iceman. Makes people pull constipated turds out of her arse with their bare fingers. Oh, so now you know who Whitney Houston is.

Anyway, Whitney Houston is apparently a singer too, and she’s got a new album out soon. Weird.

It’s been 11 years since Whitney Houston last released a hit record, 1998′s My Love Is Your Love. And just look at all the crap that’s happened in the meantime. Wars, environmental disaster, terrorist atrocities, financial collapse. Would any of these have happened if Whitney Houston hadn’t gone on her extended sabbatical? No, no of course they wouldn’t – the universal themes of love as demonstrated in such Whitney Houston classics as The Greatest Love Of All, I’m Every Woman and My Name Is Not Susan would have single-handedly put a stop to all that funny business.

We mean it. At the very least, Whitney Houston’s continued success would have meant that Osama bin Laden would have been too busy rubbing his crotch up and down the TV screen every time one of her videos came on MTV to plan and execute 9/11. And we can say that with some degree of certainty.

So the world needs Whitney Houston more than ever, if only because a new album of hers would give the endless parade of X Factor contestants something other than I Will Always Love You and I Have Nothing to warble during their interminable auditions. So the good news is this – Whitney Houston is back!

No, really, Whitney Houston is back. She’s ditched her hilariously stereotypical addiction to crack, all the teeth that she lost during her addiction period have presumably grown back and she’s divorced that man whose main role appeared to involve yanking wads of poo out of her bum with his fingers and then discussing it on television – and she’s ready to release a brand new album. Rolling Stone reports:

After a six-year absence from the studio, Whitney Houston will return with a new album on September 1st, 2009. While there’s no word on the track list for Whitney’s September record, Davis had mentioned she was stepping into the studio with R. Kelly to record a song titled “I Look to You” and spoke about a Diane Warren-penned ballad called “I Didn’t Know My Own Strength.”

Now don’t get too excited – Whitney Houston’s comeback album had already been promised for last Christmas, and it didn’t appear then, so it won’t be too much of a surprise if it ends up getting postponed again. In many ways we hope it does, since in our opinion the world of painfully bland hairdresser R&B-lite has always been crying out for a Chinese Democracy.

But let’s look on the bright side here. Congratulations, Whitney. We’re right behind you. That’s mostly because if we get in front of you you might see us, have a crack flashback, mistake us for an imaginary demon and attack us with your shoe. We really can’t stress how eager we are for that not to happen.

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