Grown Up Gossip & Internet Villainy
A few years ago, I made a Facebook status about how I was going to mix myself a drink, take an Ativan, and get a nice, long bath, which I then pointed out were probably Whitney Houston’s last words. Was the status in poor taste? Absolutely. Did I then, and still now, think it was hilarious? Of course.
As it turns out, not everyone shares my sense of humor (I’m SHOCKED, given that none of you EVER hate on me in the comments section), but, apparently Lorde just might, and people are pissed.
Basically everything that comes out of Bobby Brown’s mouth is hot mess comedy gold, so I shouldn’t have been surprised when I read excerpts from his new 20/20 interview. Sure, he made claims about banging everyone from Janet Jackson to Madonna, and even alleged that Whitney Houston has some female lovers herself, but those pale in comparison to his biggest reveal.
I mean, who cares if Whitney Houston was swinging both ways, and, I mean, everyone was banging Madonna in the 80s, so those are major revelations. You really want to shock the world? Tell them about the time you banged a ghost…which is what Bobby Brown did.
In a twist of some weird ass scary news, Bobbi Kristina, daughter of the late Whitney Houston, was found unconscious in a bathtub.???There are conflicting reports as to how much damage was actually done, but it doesn’t look good.
Family and friends, including dad Bobby Brown, have all rallied beside Bobbi’s bedside.? This shit is not okay.
If you are the product of moderately talented crackhead sperm meeting up with wildly talented crackhead egg, you are just bound to do some crazy off stuff. ?So it’s pretty expected that Bobbi Kristina, the daughter of Bobby Brown and Whitney Houston, would be a bit abnormal. ?But there are still lines here, and it seems Bobbi K just jumped the broom right over it.?
I know technically if there is no shared genetics, then it isn’t incest to start banging your {step} sibling. ?But technicalities doesn’t prevent something from being really creepy and gross. ?If Whitney was around, she’d be walking around, weave a mess, yelling “Incest is whack!”
Poor, gap-toothed Bobbi Kristina Brown has not had an easy life.?Her mega-superstar mom died tragically and her dad is basically a shitbag?(though he did sing “Candy Girl” so you can’t write him off completely).
Bobbi Kristina?looks way more like her dad than her mom … which is truly unfortunate. People judge her just because she bangs her adopted brother. And,?it bears repeating that?there’s always that massive fucking?gap in her teeth.?Like I said, not an easy life.
Now 20 years old, she pops up in the news pretty regularly for maybe being pregnant, crashing a car, drinking too much, or?fighting with and/or marrying a family member. At the moment, though, she’s getting press for?something as seemingly innocuous as moving out of her Georgia apartment.
After telling everyone that he slept in his car, nearly bankrupting himself to get Whitney Houston into rehab, everyone briefly thought that they had Bobby Brown all wrong. Maybe he’s a nice guy and not the ghoul he’s been painted as?
But then you remember the trouble he’s caused all by himself. Candy Girl being one such unforgiveable example.
So now, we revert to type, with the LAPD saying that Bobby has been arrested for being absolutely ripped to his tits by the wheel of a car. ‘DUI’ if you’re American. ‘Drink driving’ if you live in England. ‘Stop being so soft, he’s fine’ if you’re Scottish.
There was always going to be something of a media circus after Whitney Houston died. All eyes were on Bobby Brown because… well… he’s barking mad and volatile. He was odds-on to be the biggest, most public wreck of them all.
Along came Bobbi Kristina, Whitney and Bobby’s daughter to completely knock all other lunacy out of the park.
See, it appears she’s been getting off with her brother. No-one saw incest coming along in this script, did they?
Okay, now that Whitney Houston is dead, we can say all manner of things about her private life because she’s not around to refute accusations. Naturally, we can tag other celebrities into the gossip because they’re needy for attention.
And so, what’s all this about Whitney (dead, unable to defend herself) and Jermaine Jackson (desperate to reflect in the glory of another gigantically huge superstar corpse, again) having an affair?
That’s the story swirling around at the minute and, better yet, it will annoy Berry Gordy, founder of Motown Records. And Bobby Brown lives in a constant state of irritation so nothing will change there.
Let’s face it, if you only read one celebrity story this week, it really should be this one. Sit back, relax, pop on your limited edition casette single of ‘Unbreak My Heart’, get The Nutty Professor on your DVD player and have a psychiatrist on standby because this is going to blow your tiny mind.
Eddie Murphy is dating Toni Braxton.
Yeah.
There’s nothing like a cadaver on the front cover of a magazine to really put a spring in your step, right? And the National Enquirer have done us all proud by showing Whitney Houston’s corpse on the face of their magazine!
Of course, this has caused outrage from various media outlets who absolutely didn’t publish Saddam Hussein’s dead body in their publications. It has caused a kerfuffle amongst those who definitely didn’t show the dead bodies of Colonel Gadaffi and Osama Bin Laden.
Or Elvis Presley. Or Marilyn Monroe. Or JFK. Or John Lennon. Or Kurt Cobain. Or the jumpers of the 9/11 tragedy. Or a picture of the bath in which Whitney died.
