Articles tagged with: Whitney Houston
X Factor Recap: Oh Dear, That’s Ricky Loney Done For
Last night Ricky Loney was eliminated from X Factor. Hopefully you didn't form a close attachment to him. Oh, of course you didn't - he was arse-awful. But aside from that gigantic inevitability, what else happened on X Factor this weekend? Well, Whitney Houston was the guest mentor, so the theme was obviously Diva Night. We heard it was going to be Ludicrous Former Crack-Addict Hasbeens Who Need Weird-Haired Frank Butcher Lookalike Sidekicks To Keep Them Upright, but that was found to be slightly too niche. Anyway, how did the X Factor contestants do this weekend? Time for that recap you've all been waiting for...
Last night Ricky Loney was eliminated from X Factor. Hopefully you didn't form a close attachment to him. Oh, of course you didn't - he was arse-awful. But aside from that gigantic inevitability, what else happened on X Factor this weekend? Well, Whitney Houston was the guest mentor, so the theme was obviously Diva Night. We heard it was going to be Ludicrous Former Crack-Addict Hasbeens Who Need Weird-Haired Frank Butcher Lookalike Sidekicks To Keep Them Upright, but that was found to be slightly too niche. Anyway, how did the X Factor contestants do this weekend? Time for that recap you've all been waiting for...
Whitney Houston Details Exactly How Berserk Bobby Brown Was
Whitney Houston got where she is today by following one rule - take so many drugs that you end up looking like wheezy cadaver. Wait, no, that's not right. What we meant to say was that Whitney Houston got popular by following one rule - give the people what they want. And this worked, because in the 1990s people wanted bad films and identical-sounding songs bellowed by idiots. And Whitney Houston still follows this rule. Because Whitney Houston is still giving the people what they want - anecdotes about the time Bobby Brown went mental, spat on her and started drawing evil eyes everywhere. Splendid.
Whitney Houston got where she is today by following one rule - take so many drugs that you end up looking like wheezy cadaver. Wait, no, that's not right. What we meant to say was that Whitney Houston got popular by following one rule - give the people what they want. And this worked, because in the 1990s people wanted bad films and identical-sounding songs bellowed by idiots. And Whitney Houston still follows this rule. Because Whitney Houston is still giving the people what they want - anecdotes about the time Bobby Brown went mental, spat on her and started drawing evil eyes everywhere. Splendid.
Whitney Houston’s Comeback Goes As Well As Can Be Expected
With her new album I Look To You, Whitney Houston has a lot to prove. OK, actually that's a lie - she doesn't. Whitney Houston only needs to prove three things. That she can sing, that she's beaten drugs, and that she doesn't need loved ones to remove hard-to-reach faecal clods from her rectum with their fingers. Yesterday Whitney Houston marked her comeback with a TV performance. And it was a total success, provided that your definition of success involves a woman breathlessly speaking the lyrics of her songs like an asthmatic being chased up a hill by an angry dog.
With her new album I Look To You, Whitney Houston has a lot to prove. OK, actually that's a lie - she doesn't. Whitney Houston only needs to prove three things. That she can sing, that she's beaten drugs, and that she doesn't need loved ones to remove hard-to-reach faecal clods from her rectum with their fingers. Yesterday Whitney Houston marked her comeback with a TV performance. And it was a total success, provided that your definition of success involves a woman breathlessly speaking the lyrics of her songs like an asthmatic being chased up a hill by an angry dog.
Whiney Houston’s Coming! Hide Your Crackpipe!
Hey kids, remember Whitney Houston? Of course you do. Bobby Brown. Gigantic crack addiction. Come on, you remember. Oh, don't be like that. You know who Whitney Houston is. Come on. Bobby Brown. Domestic abuse. You remember. Whitney Houston. Hallucinating imaginary demons. Gruesome reliance on sex aids. No teeth. No? Oh, come on. It's Whitney Houston! Looks like Otzi The Iceman. Makes people pull constipated turds out of her arse with their bare fingers. Oh, so now you know who Whitney Houston is. Anyway, Whitney Houston is apparently a singer too, and she's got a new album out soon. Weird.
Hey kids, remember Whitney Houston? Of course you do. Bobby Brown. Gigantic crack addiction. Come on, you remember. Oh, don't be like that. You know who Whitney Houston is. Come on. Bobby Brown. Domestic abuse. You remember. Whitney Houston. Hallucinating imaginary demons. Gruesome reliance on sex aids. No teeth. No? Oh, come on. It's Whitney Houston! Looks like Otzi The Iceman. Makes people pull constipated turds out of her arse with their bare fingers. Oh, so now you know who Whitney Houston is. Anyway, Whitney Houston is apparently a singer too, and she's got a new album out soon. Weird.
The Best Famous Kids With Famous Parents Ever!
A guest blog by Josh from Interestment... Wow, what a crazy time everyone had at London Fancy Dress Week. The Geldof sisters were there with Ray Winstone’s oiky little girl. She was with Keith Allen’s offspring, who was probably staring from the corner of his eye at Daisy Lowe’s bosoms, which have been having quite an airing lately, if i-D magazine has anything to do with it. Of course, Alexa Chung – the only non-celebrity child – was the glue keeping everyone together, with her pipe-cleaner legs and voice like a loudspeaker. What a trendy bunch. And, yet, so difficult to like. It could, of course, sound like a case of sour grapes, but it’s not at all. As this small list of extremely excellent celebrity offspring who we absolutely adore proves…
A guest blog by Josh from Interestment... Wow, what a crazy time everyone had at London Fancy Dress Week. The Geldof sisters were there with Ray Winstone’s oiky little girl. She was with Keith Allen’s offspring, who was probably staring from the corner of his eye at Daisy Lowe’s bosoms, which have been having quite an airing lately, if i-D magazine has anything to do with it. Of course, Alexa Chung – the only non-celebrity child – was the glue keeping everyone together, with her pipe-cleaner legs and voice like a loudspeaker. What a trendy bunch. And, yet, so difficult to like. It could, of course, sound like a case of sour grapes, but it’s not at all. As this small list of extremely excellent celebrity offspring who we absolutely adore proves…
Whitney Houston & Bobby Brown Not Rekindling Their Awful Romance
To quote one of her own bellowed-out power ballads, didn't Whitney Houston and Bobby Brown almost have it all? Obviously by 'it all' we meant an out-of-control drug addiction, outbursts of domestic abuse, the worst reality TV show in history and a mutual love of manually removing constipated husks of turd out of the rectums of their loved ones with their fingers? Didn't Whitney Houston and Bobby Brown almost have that? Well, yes. Yes they did. But that's all in the past now. Whitney Houston and Bobby Brown definitely aren't getting back together, no matter how many reports you hear to the contrary. And that denial doesn't just come from Whitney Houston, but all the imaginary demons she allegedly used to see during her gigantic crack binges as well. So, you know, it must be true.
To quote one of her own bellowed-out power ballads, didn't Whitney Houston and Bobby Brown almost have it all? Obviously by 'it all' we meant an out-of-control drug addiction, outbursts of domestic abuse, the worst reality TV show in history and a mutual love of manually removing constipated husks of turd out of the rectums of their loved ones with their fingers? Didn't Whitney Houston and Bobby Brown almost have that? Well, yes. Yes they did. But that's all in the past now. Whitney Houston and Bobby Brown definitely aren't getting back together, no matter how many reports you hear to the contrary. And that denial doesn't just come from Whitney Houston, but all the imaginary demons she allegedly used to see during her gigantic crack binges as well. So, you know, it must be true.
Lindsay Lohan’s Toilet Love With Bobby Brown’s Son
Bobby Brown’s son Brandon Brown has revealed he was once seduced by Lindsay Lohan in a bathroom. It’s a typical (Bobby Brown-like) boy meets (Lindsay Lohan-like) girl story: They meet at a party. They both think ‘ooh, he/she’s fit’. Boy goes to the toilet for a piss. Girl, perhaps aroused by the potential to orgasm while simultaneously inhaling men’s stale urine, follows him in. They have sex. They are now primed to have their first conversation: Lindsay: Pass us some tissue. Cheers. So, what's your name and what do you do? Brandon: My name's Brandon. My official job title is 'son'. And you?
Bobby Brown’s son Brandon Brown has revealed he was once seduced by Lindsay Lohan in a bathroom. It’s a typical (Bobby Brown-like) boy meets (Lindsay Lohan-like) girl story: They meet at a party. They both think ‘ooh, he/she’s fit’. Boy goes to the toilet for a piss. Girl, perhaps aroused by the potential to orgasm while simultaneously inhaling men’s stale urine, follows him in. They have sex. They are now primed to have their first conversation: Lindsay: Pass us some tissue. Cheers. So, what's your name and what do you do? Brandon: My name's Brandon. My official job title is 'son'. And you?
Bobby Brown Not At All Bitter About Whitney Houston, Ahem
The general opinion of Bobby Brown is that he's so impossibly unlikeable that it's beyond the realms of human thought to imagine him being much more of an arsehole.
Kids, he's done it.
You know how you think that Bobby Brown was the wife-beating idiot who helped plunge Whitney Houston into a spiral of hard drug addiction? Didn't happen. Bobby Brown has written a book where he claims that Whitney Houston was the one who introduced him to all the drugs. Which all seems so obvious now - what was Whitney Houston's pre-Brown dancefloor-filler My Name Is Not Susan if not the desperate shriek of a burnt-out husk with a debilitating antifreeze addiction?
