Whitney Houston has had a GIGANTIC amount of MONSTROUSLY LARGE hits. That one off the Bodyguard where she looks like she’s defecating in a forest for the key-change in the video. That one where she had a blonde perm. It’s Not Right, But It’s Okay.
Of course, there’s that one where she said that she believed that children were our future and that, should we teach them well, we could probably let them lead the way.
Well, it seems Whitney has been getting financial advice from a 6-year-old as her squillions of dollars have all but vanished from her purse, leaving her hilariously begging people for money. Crack eh? Easy punchline, but more pertinently, a Whitney Houston ruiner.
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You have to hand it to Whitney Houston – she’s really great at being a mental famous person. While you have to acknowledge the power of her lungs, we all know damn well that she’s remembered for (alleged) crack cocaine use, throwing tantrums and being in a lousy relationship with Bobby Brown.
Oh, and that bit in the ‘I Will Always Love You‘ video where it looks like she’s taking a dump in the snow as the key-change kicks in.
So which one is she doing now? Well, it involves an aeroplane and a clear will to die.
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On Sunday, we witnessed what came to be the last programme documenting the audition process of the underrated, revolutionary post-feminist Space Opera series “The X Factor 2011″.
Hear that over there? That’s Ewan Mcgregor singing Your Song in a melancholic manner with an umbrella. See that over in the other direction? That’s your inescapable loneliness.
But put all that heroin and selection of complimentary bath salts to the side for one moment! Those headaches are probably nothing to worry about after all. Let’s just kick back, and remember all the classic moments of the past few weeks instead. Remember when a woman told Tulisa how it was all HER opinion, and then on top of that, that other thing happened as well? Sometimes the path to creating amazing music is hard. Just ask Brian Wilson or David Sneddon. Or both! They’re probably sitting together on the same park bench somewhere, trying to feed Hula Hoop packets to pissed off swans.
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Former husband 0f Courtney Cox and alleged actor David Arquette was thrown out of a Prince concert recently for committing the heinous crime of taking photos of ‘The Artist’ in his true, lizard form.
The singer has a notorious ‘no photography’ rule at his shows designed to protect him from the damage his reputation could take if the wider public was to see him in his true form.
However, Arquette managed to get his silly self into an altercation with security at the singer’s ‘Welcome 2 America’ shows at the Los Angeles Forum when a young boy flouted the singer’s no photography rule. The real pain of Arquette’s story is that this ‘altercation’ came straight after Prince had told the crowd they were allowed to take pictures.
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You may well think that Prince is some kind of mental freakshow who lives inside a sock made of gold, eating tinfoil all day while stroking his waxy skin… but he’s nothing compared to the complete train wreck that is Whitney Houston.
That’s right. If you consider that Prince has to live with his weird self every stinking day, you’d imagine he’d have an astonishingly high level of tolerance for people who might be considered to be a little bit… uh… eccentric.
However, so nutso is Whitney that even Prince can’t stand her. Prince is so peeved with Houston that he’s banned her from his shows, taking away all her ticket privileges thanks to too many demands and her weird, weird behaviour.
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Poor ol’ Bobby Brown. Here we have a man who has had a reasonably successful career, hoovered up endless amounts of narcotics, babbled like a complete simpleton and lived the life of a particularly debauched king… however, he didn’t get the ironic kudos now enjoyed by Charlie Sheen.
And while Bobby Brown transfixes his cold, lifeless eyes on the papers, he will eventually gain clarity enough to focus on a picture that appears to show his daughter – the one he had with Whitney Houston – snorting cocaine.
Of course, Bobby and Whitney weren’t exactly squeaky clean, but as a parent, this kind of thing must be rather upsetting, presuming that he’s able to generate tears that is.
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Remember the first time you watched The Bodyguard? It felt like it was 37 hours long didn’t it? Still, nowhere near as long as the hideous ‘I Will Always Love YooooooOOOoOoOOOUuu’ haunted our pop charts.
As an aside, have you ever noticed that Whitney Houston looks like she’s having an alfresco dump as the key-change kicks in on the promo video for the song?
Anyway, Warner Bros are looking to remake the film about Whitney Houston being stalked by someone and then, ultimately, falling in love with one of the most boring faced humans on Earth, Kevin Costner. And sadly, it appears that they’re lining up Rihanna for the role.
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Imagine being Bobby Brown’s wife – not a day would pass without you hearing the theme-tune to Ghostbusters 2.
It would be magical. More than that, though, Bobby Brown is caring and tender and vocally willing to pull dried-up constipated turds out of your rectum with his fingers for you. He’s the perfect husband. You know, apart from the drugs and the arrests and the domestic violence and the failure to uphold his child support commitments and – if we’re being honest – the finger-poo stuff. But apart from that, Bobby Brown is the perfect husband.
That’s something that his manager Alicia Etheridge will soon discover, because on Friday – live on stage – Bobby Brown proposed to her and she accepted. Not that we’re pessimistic or anything, but we’re going to write a ‘Bobby Brown and Alicia Etheridge Get Divorced’ story this afternoon, because it’ll probably come in handy in about July.
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