When You Believe - HecklerSpray

Along with the giving and receiving of official Cliff Richard calenders and morbid gluttony, Christmas is all about Simon Cowell getting personality-free dullards to number one with awful pretend-aspirational songs.

And that's no different this year. Leon Jackson, winner of X Factor and a young man so crushingly inarticulate that his primary method of communication is weeping, has been all but guaranteed this year's Christmas number one with his song I Believe or Believe In Me or When You Believe or I Preconceive That My Sleeve Believes Its Weave's Called Steve. Not only that, but When You Believe by Leon Jackson looks set to become the fastest-selling single of the year, selling 300,000 copies in less than a week. That's not the only record When You Believe's broken, either – it's also the only Christmas number one with a tune that nobody can remember even when they've just finished listening to it.

Leon Jackson – the red-eyed Scottish boy who only managed to stop crying for about three seconds in the entire second half of 2007 – has won X Factor.

It was a surprise result for sure, since operatic weirdo Rhydian Roberts had been tipped to become the X Factor winner right from day one, but Leon Jackson proved that he had the winning mix of weird-haired good looks, strong regional support and the ability to burst into tears every time he said a word that even sounded like 'mum'. And now, thanks to his X Factor win, Leon Jackson has been almost guaranteed to get the Christmas number one with his single When You Believe – a song that was instantly available to download for anyone who wasn't completely sick of the twatting thing after it was played about 19,000 times in a row during the last 20 minutes of the X Factor final.

Looks Like Leon Jackson’s Got The Christmas Number One, Then

Leon Jackson Somehow Wins X Factor