whatever - HecklerSpray

Angelina Jolie Is Absolutely And Massively Pregnant

January 18th, 2012 By Mof Gimmers

Hey! Do you fancy Angelina Jolie? Apart from the way she looks and pouts, you probably think she’s pretty edgy and different to all the other celebrities. She isn’t. She’s got pregnant, just like the rest of the bores.

That’s right! She’s got a thing growing inside her! Seen her supping cans of super strength beer recently? That’s because she’s preggo.

And it has been coming a while now. Brad Pitt and Jolie have been dropping hints about wanting to add to their tedious brood, and everyone thought they were oh-so-clever for joking that they’d probably steal an orphan from Africa. Alas, not. They’ve been having sex without a condom on and now she’s going to grow her own.

Angelina Jolie Will Cry If Kids Become Normal, Like Your Boring, Settled Children

December 21st, 2011 By Joanna Bolouri

Wannabe Funeral Director and collector of used plasters Angelina Jolie, ?has revealed that she dreads the day one of her 87 children asks to be excused from the family’s global travels, insisting she will break down in tears when it happens.

It seems Jolie and husband Brad Pitt, pride themselves on their nomadic lifestyle, settling for a few weeks at a time wherever their work takes them.

What’s that we hear you crying stupidly loudly? CHILDREN NEED ROUTINE! A STABLE ENVIRONMENT AND?CONSISTENCY! What the hell do you know?

You’ll Be Thrilled To Learn That Angelina Jolie And Brad Pitt’s Mum No Longer Loathe Each Other

November 10th, 2011 By Mof Gimmers

Are you one of these people who hates their mother-in-law? Good. You probably deserve it for picking such a lousy partner in the first place. Seriously. What were you thinking? Were you that desperate for a ride?

Anyhoo, one person who has had bother with their other-half’s mum is Angelina Jolie. It’s fair to say she’s not desperate for a shag. She could pretty much shag anyone she wanted.

Jolie hasn’t seen eye-to-eye with Brad Pitt’s mother because Brad Pitt’s mother is an overbearing weapon who likes sticking her oar in. Of course, Jolie is an opinionated, jealous lunatic, so it wasn’t ever going to be pretty.

Brad Pitt Caught Smoking By His Judgemental, Pious Children

October 31st, 2011 By Mof Gimmers

Brad Pitt smokes. That’s because smoking is cool. Disagree? Let’s put it this way – there’s millions of women and men who would not think twice about cheating on you, with him. That’s because he’s cool. Much, much cooler than you.

Of course, everytime anyone lights up a cigarette, there’s hoards of people ready to leap out and say “YOU SMOKE I CHOKE! YOU SMOKE I CHOKE!“, but they slope off to their sterile houses, alone. Wankless. Reheated pasta bake. Sighing at a documentary on Radio 4.

Either way, Brad Pitt is a smoker and his children are giving him a hard time, despite the fact he’s a) Providing for them in a way that they should be eternally grateful for and b) much harder than then, so they should shut their damn mouths because he could TOTALLY have them in a fight.

Courtney Love To Pen Understated, Kind, Honest Autobiography

September 30th, 2011 By Mof Gimmers

Ah, Courtney Love. What would we do without you. When things get a little too much for us to bear, we just take one look at your increasingly peculiar face and think to ourselves: ‘At least things aren’t as bad as that.’

The Former Mrs Cobain has, for some reason, taken it upon herself to become the Grunge Joan Rivers, despite the fact that precisely no-one actually asked for it.

And now, humble Courtney is getting out her crayons and starting work on her autobiography which will be a gentle, thoughtful read, sensitively looking back on her life with a suicidal husband who took loads of bad drugs, as well as her fondness for jacking up on bad shit while having sex with a variety of rock singers.

Angelina Jolie Spends ?1300 In 15 Minutes While Thinking Of All The Suffering In The World

September 2nd, 2011 By Mof Gimmers

Angelina Jolie is quite often at the front of charitable causes, giving us the plead-eye so we give our scant pennies to whatever plight she’s decided to pose before. It’s all very fulfilling being Brad Pitt’s other half.

And while she works for the UN and pouts at starving children, she also likes to blow loads of money on tat.

While visiting a shop in London, the actress forked out ?1,300 in 15 minutes. Probably on clothes made by infant hands in sweatshops.

Angelina Jolie Receives Award For Her Firm Grasp Of Reality. Seriously?WHAT?!

August 1st, 2011 By Paul Pencott

In further evidence that the world has entirely lost it's mind, the actress Angelina Jolie ? who plays make-believe for a living ? was last night awarded the Heart of Sarajevo purportedly for her ?active engagement in the complexities of the real world?.

As the Cyborg 2 star tearfully accepted the award, the rest of the world was reminded of the moment the satirist Tom Lehrer resigned after Kissinger was awarded the Nobel Peace Prize at the height of the Vietnam War, claiming that satire had just become obsolete.

Applauding Hollywood?s most high-profile blood-vial wearing nut-job for her grasp of ?the complexities of the real world? is like applauding a toddler for its grasp of the complexities of nuclear fission. Her own father claimed she had ?serious mental problems? for God?s sake.

The Brad Pitt/Angelina Jolie Wedding Is Off Thanks To Mystery Woman, Obviously

July 20th, 2011 By Mof Gimmers

Initially, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie weren’t bothering to get married because… well… it is a completely redundant institution for those who are petrified of being lonely, compelled to contractually oblige someone to stay with them, rather than, y’know, continue to make an effort.

That and they didn’t want to get married while there were gays in the world that weren’t being afforded the opportunity.

Then, the press then decided that they Brangelina were actually going to tie the knot, despite no indication from either of them. And just as suddenly, the press have decided that the whole thing is off… THANKS TO SOME HARRIDAN MYSTERY WOMAN AND BRADLEY PITT’S WANDERING LUST-EYE OR WHATEVER IT IS THAT IS CURRENTLY GOING ON.

Brad Pitt And Angelina Jolie Are Getting Married Because You Can’t Get Divorced Without It

July 14th, 2011 By Mof Gimmers

Because America is only about 4 years old compared to the rest of the world, it has to pin its dreams on daft things. They don’t have a royal family, so they obsess over various Kennedy family member and celebrities.

Concerning the latter, celebrity weddings are the closest thing they have to experiencing the collective thrill/antipathy of a Royal Wedding.

And now, America’s first couple – Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie – are going to get married, which will be met with a whole range of emotions, starting at ‘boredom’ and ending at ‘anger’. ‘Vaguely pleased because they might be nice people for all we know’ probably makes an appearance somewhere in the middle.

Jesse James Is Sorry You’re So Sensitive About Cheating

July 6th, 2011 By Amy Grindhouse

Jesse James is still talking about how he cheated on Sandra Bullock a year ago. It behooves him to talk about betraying his ex-wife for the sake of his book sales. So, his current book tour includes belated apologies and indignant admissions of guilt. However, you may be interested to know, any wrongdoing on his part is in the eye of the beholder and Jesse is only sorry that you’re so sensitive.

There are probably no innocent parties here and we don’t know the full story. There were two people in that relationship.

Until there were suddenly seven more people and Jesse was having sex with all of them. It took two of them to break-up the relationship. Which is, incidentally, roughly how many strippers with whom he cheated.