9 - Eight racist words you apparently use every day, you RACIST – Cracked

8 – Lily Allen in a silly hat - Popsugar

7 - Do you want to know who the top 25 American Idol contestants are? YES YOU DO – BuddyTV

6 - Want to make a notepad out of recycled receipts? Really? OK! – Instructables

5 - Human rights for robots? Holy cack – Wired

4 - My, Wesley Snipes DOES look jolly – Best Week Ever

3 - Grand Theft Auto: Tokyo? Really? No, not really. Arses – Techradar

2 - And now, the annual list of worst Oscar winners – Houstonpress

1 - Superuseless Superpowers: one of our new favourite blogs – Superuseless

New Line is apparently gearing up to make a Blade reboot, even though Blade is barely a decade old as it is. What sort of reboot is Blade going to have? Nobody knows, except for the fact that Wesley Snipes will be nowhere to be seen in it.

According to reports, Wesley Snipes won’t be appearing in the new Blade movie, even for a second. Which, ironically, is still 10 seconds longer that he appeared in Blade Trinity for.

Although the oldest one was only released in 1998, the Blade movies seem like the byproducts of an age that moved on long ago. It’s a mark of how complex and gritty The Dark Knight was that rewatching Blade now feels a bit like being a sugared-up toddler in a teddy-bear circus on the moon. Oh vampire hunter, it’s so adorable to see you fighting those creatures that killed your mother!

But as well as this, the other reason that the Blade movies seem so dated is because they all feature pre-lunacy Wesley Snipes.

You know, the Wesley Snipes who existed before we all knew he refused to pay his taxes on the basis that the IRS was an imaginary organisation and that he lived in a country where the population was him and there were no taxes and the national anthem was Area Code 213 by Boo-Yaa T.R.I.B.E from the White Men Can’t Jump soundtrack. The Wesley Snipes who would fight said tax-dodging conviction by getting Woody Harrelson to write the world’s most meandering stoned-sounding letter to a judge. That Wesley Snipes.

So it’s no surprise that the new Blade movie New Line reportedly wants to make won’t feature Wesley Snipes at all. In fact, more than that, it’s going to go back to the past and pretend that Wesley Snipes never even existed. That’s according to Blade writer David S Goyer, anyway. Shock Till You Drop quotes:

“I heard rumors that they may want to start from scratch with a new person playing Blade. It’s funny because I thought about how I never wanted to do a vampire film ever again because I’m sick of it. But I was reading the Tomb of Dracula Omnibus and I hadn’t read them in a long time and I thought it might be cool to do another vampire movie at some point.”

Blade without Wesley Snipes might actually work because they might actually find an actor willing to appear in the movie for more than seven minutes and then bitch relentlessly about the production after it’s finished. And the new Blade might even be a better fit for these post-Dark Knight times, too – perhaps they’ll even hire someone who talks in a voice so deep and gravelly that nobody can understand a single word of he says. We hear that’s all the go in superhero movies these days.

Anyway, if this Blade reboot is a success, then maybe New Line will consider rebooting some of its other movies as well. We’re especially looking forward to the Lord Of The Rings reboot where there’s a lengthy free-running scene across a Moroccan rooftop and at one point a Russian woman tells Frodo that his mind is like a prison. We’d like that.

You! Follow hecklerspray on Twitter!

The star of the Blade trilogy, as well as Money Train – we’re not forgetting that one, Wesley – has had some… ‘troubles’, should we say, over the last couple of years. Troubles involving taxes. And how he didn’t bother to pay them between 1999 and 2001, apparently. Maybe he assumed his valuable contribution to movies was payment enough?

Regardless, the vampire-hunting, trash-talking basketballer who likes trains with money on them has been ordered by a federal judge to pay back $217,000 to the government, to cover the legal costs incurred in prosecuting him earlier this year.

Hopefully Wes can pull something like The Marksman 2: The Marksman in Space out of the bag to cover those bills. And use the tagline ‘Wesley. Snipes’. If it hasn’t already been done. And if it hasn’t, hecklerspray gets the copyright on that badboy.

Wesley is currently appealing against the decision to imprison him for three years after he misplaced his tax pen, or whatever his incredible defence for not reporting $11 million of income was, but it looks like this charge is set to stick. While it isn’t the hugest fine in the history of the world, it’s certainly another in the line of examples that the once-Simon Phoenix is being used to set. It would also seem that judges hate him.

When you take into account the fact that Wesley’s crime involved money, and how he didn’t pay it to the government when they say he should then – well, you start to understand why they’re being so harsh.

As we all know, money is the most important thing in the world, more so than a roof over our heads, a hot meal or even the air we breathe. Clearly they’re well within their rights to go overboard on all the charges, even forcing Wesley Snipes to pay for the prosecution that worked against him.

Ah well – it’s one of life’s lessons and one that Willie Mays Hayes is sure to have learned his lesson from, even if it does mean he won’t be able to bankroll Passenger 57 2: Passenger 57 in Space. Which is a crying shame.

To make matters worse for the 46-year-old, he could still end up going to jail for three years when the result of his appeal is decided. On the plus side, Snipes does have a lot of experience at fighting and doing excellent roundhouse kicks, so at least he’ll be able to handle his own in the joint, possibly making something of a name for himself.

Another positive of jail could be the gangland chums he’s sure to make on the inside – all of whom would add a great deal of authenticity when playing ‘Generic Baddie 3′ in Demolition Man 2: Demolition Man in Space.

Never let it be said that hecklerspray don’t try and help – we’re looking for positives, trying to cheer the guy up. It’s not like his real friends are much use.

And because of this, Wesley Snipes was supposed to hand himself over to federal officials next month so he could start his three-year jail sentence for whatever that thing was about taxes that he apparently did. But not so fast – Wesley Snipes isn’t going down without a fight! He’s been granted bail pending an appeal of his conviction.

This could mean that Wesley Snipes might avoid jail completely, although this really is his last pitch for freedom so he needs to give the appeal his absolute all. And you know what that means, Wesley? No more getting rambling boneheaded character witness statements from Woody Harrelson? OK, Wesley? Not even one. Promise us, it’s important.

Wesley Snipes is obviously an intelligent man – after all, he saw the potential in notorious career-hobbling flop Money Train when everyone around him was saying that it was an awful piece of shit – and this is a theory he proved time and time again during his recent tax-dodge trial.

Accused of not filing any tax returns between 1999 and 2001 – apparently gypping the American government out of enough money to buy a really very massive bomb or something in the process – Wesley Snipes always remained calm, rational and able to convince Denzel Washington to compare him to a tree in print whenever he wanted to.

Not that it worked, though – last month Wesley Snipes was sentenced to three years in jail for his crimes, and everyone packed away their Passenger 57 Original Soundtrack cassettes and hunkered down in the knowledge that the earliest we’d ever see White Men Can’t Jump 2: Nope, Still Not Great With The Jumping Thing would be some time after the year 2011. Wesley Snipes, it seemed, was done for.

Except actually he wasn’t – because once again Wesley Snipes is a free man. For a while. Until he gets an appeal, at least. Reuters reports:

Snipes’ lawyers and court officials in Ocala, Florida, said a judge had granted a request by the star of the “Blade” movie series to remain free on bond while he tries to overturn his federal tax convictions. U.S. District Judge William Terrell Hodges wrote that he was “dubious” of Snipes appeal arguments. In arguments for bail, his lawyers wrote that Snipes was “actively engaged in resolving his liabilities with the IRS civilly” and a meeting with the agency was scheduled for next week.

It would seem, then, that Wesley Snipes’ appeal will involve him throwing wads of money at the IRS and screaming “Jesus, I’m sorry, OK? I’m SORRY! Sheesh!”

Which, you have to admit, is more constructive than anything Wesley Snipes did during his main trial – where his arguments ranged from how he wasn’t actually a citizen of America but he just happened to live there and used its stuff all the time to how the IRS doesn’t actually exist like everyone says it does. And he got convicted for that. We know. Crazy.

Good luck, Wesley Snipes – the wishes of all rubbishy direct-to-DVD movie fans are with you.

Read more:

Wesley Snipes gets bail pending appeal in tax case – Reuters

No really, thanks. All Wesley Snipes wanted to you to do was write a heartfelt character reference to stop a judge from sending him to jail for three years on a tax evasion charge, and you ended up jabbering on about how close together your birthdays are. You really are a great big dipshit.

In fact, it’s probably all your fault that Wesley Snipes was sentenced to three years in jail yesterday. But you’ve only hurt yourself, you know – now that Wesley Snipes is in jail, you can kiss goodbye to any notion you had about making Money Train 2: Money Train In Space before 2011.

Let this be a lesson to all potential tax-dodgers – not filing your taxes is officially 192,292 times more serious than driving into oncoming traffic blasted off your mind on drugs. Because when Nicole Richie did the latter she spent 82 minutes in jail, but now that Wesley Snipes has been convicted of the former he’s been sentenced to three years in jail.

That’s not a total surprise – we learnt that Wesley Snipes could face a three-year jail sentence earlier this month – but in a justice system that usually goes light on celebrities whether they’ve illegally bought some guns or allegedly shot a woman in the face, it’s quite rare for a star to get lumbered with a maximum sentence for anything.

But that’s what happened yesterday – after being found guilty of not filing tax returns for three consecutive years, Wesley Snipes was handed the greatest punishment available to the judge. Nothing – not claiming that the IRS doesn’t properly exist, not begging that his children will go to sleep crying if he went to jail – could stop it. And, as the New York Daily News reports, Wesley Snipes knows exactly why he’s going to jail:

The actor read a statement, apologizing for his “costly mistakes,” but never mentioned taxes. “I am an idealistic, naive, passionate, truth-seeking, spiritually motivated artist, unschooled in the science of law and finance,” Snipes said.

Hard to disagree with that – statistically, the 1994 Wesley Snipes skydiving crime caper Drop Zone is the most spiritually-motivated movie in the history of cinema.

But, really, if anyone is to blame for Wesley Snipes’ incarceration then it’s Woody bloody Harrelson. Just the other day Wesley Snipes asked Woody to write a character reference to convince the judge to keep him out of jail, and Woody Harrelson ended up scribbling down some half-baked anecdote about how his birthday is quite close to Wesley Snipes’ birthday and the time they both met Goldie Hawn once.

It didn’t work – of course it didn’t work. It was just about the most boneheaded thing that he could have possibly written. But, although he’s a hopeless stoner idiot, Woody Harrelson is a good-natured hopeless stoner idiot and we’re sure he’ll try and make it up to Wesley Snipes somehow. Maybe he’ll just maintain a comforting correspondence throughout Wesley’s sentence – after all, trying to decipher a regular series of formless rambles about absolutely nothing at all will be just the thing to stop Wesley Snipes from losing his mind in jail. Right?

Read more:

Wesley Snipes gets 3 years for tax convictions – New York Daily News

In a final desperate bid to wriggle out of a jail sentence after being found guilty of tax fraud, Wesley Snipes has enlisted the help of two of his most famous friends – Denzel Washington and Woody Harrleson – to write character witness statements pleading with the judge to let Snipes keep his freedom.

It might just work – the naturally-authoritative Washington appeals to the judge’s sense of leniency by referring to Snipes in his letter as ‘a mighty oak’. Harrelson, meanwhile, has just drawn a big picture of a happy cat in wax crayon on his, and then written ‘I like kitons’ underneath it. Might help.

There’s a chance that the next time you see Wesley Snipes he’ll have a brand-new Islamic name, a messy tattoo on the side of his arm and the sorrowful expression of a man who’s seen another man crap in his pants for sport. That’s because Wesley Snipes could be going to jail later today.

As you may know, Wesley Snipes is going through some tax troubles at the moment. The disagreement is actually quite simple – Wesley Snipes says it’s OK that he didn’t pay tax for a bunch of years because he doesn’t recognise the IRS as a proper government agency, and the government says that Wesley Snipes is a massive dick and should go to jail. Oddly enough, the government won the disagreement.

After being found guilty of not filing tax returns for three years, Wesley Snipes now faces a three-year jail sentence. That’s bad enough for us – we want to see Passenger 58 get made so badly it makes us cry – but it’s even worse for Wesley Snipes, who’ll miss everything from the South African World Cup to the Asia Pacific Economic Cooperation forum in Singapore while he’s behind bars.

And it looks like there’s no avoiding it, either. There’s literally nothing that any normal person can do to stop Wesley Snipes from going to jail. But Wesley Snipes has some friends who aren’t normal. Wesley Snipes has some friends who are better than normal. Wesley Snipes have some friends who are… famous.

And between them, Wesley Snipes is hoping that Denzel Washington and Woody Harrelson will be able to sway the judge. According to documents published by TMZ, Denzel Washington says that Wesley Snipes is:

Like a tree – a mighty oak. He stands for so many, “like a tree, planted by streams of water with leaves that do not wither.” Many who know him have witnessed the fruits of his labours, have sat in his shade and even been protected by his presence. I am proud of him, proud to call him a fellow thespian and most importantly, proud to call him my friend.

Stirring, poetic stuff there, even if the whole tree analogy started wearing thin by the time Denzel started banging on about eating Wesley Snipes’ fruit. But full marks for effort. And what about Woody Harrelson? How has he chosen to try and stage a last-minute big for his friend’s freedom?

My first movie was also his first movie, Wildcats with Goldie Hawn. Both of us were 23 and our birthdays are only one week apart.

Christ. See you in 2011, Wesley.

Read more:

Celebs Sign Up as Snipers – TMZ

Now that he’s officially a convicted tax-dodger, Wesley Snipes is waiting to be told his fate, and prosecutors are urging the judge to hit him with the maximum three-year jail sentence, with a $5 million fine thrown in on top.

It sounds particularly harsh, but prosecutors want Wesley Snipes to serve the maximum punishment so it will deter any Wesley Snipes fans who think that not filing your tax returns is cool. Although we’re sure none of them think that – if Wesley Snipes has any fans at all, we’re not even sure they’d be able to spell their own names, let alone file any tax returns.

Celebrities, take this as a warning. If you ever want to get loaded up on drugs and drive your car into incoming motorway traffic, or threaten to kill a man while waving a gun in his face, that’s fine. At best you’ll serve a couple of days in prison. But don’t you dare think about not paying your taxes, or you’ll be thrown away for a three-stretch.

Just look at Wesley Snipes. His issues with taxes have been well-known ever since his 2006 arrest, but now he’s actually a convicted criminal because of it. You see, Wesley Snipes doesn’t believe that the IRS is a properly established government agency, and that he shouldn’t pay taxes because he was a ’stateless person’.

And thanks to these beliefs, Wesley Snipes didn’t file a tax return in 1999, 2000 or 2001. To be fair, neither would we if it meant telling anyone that we earnt money from a movie called Liberty Stands Still.

Although Wesley Snipes was acquitted of the more serious charges of felony tax fraud and conspiracy – meaning that he escaped a possible 16-year sentence – he was still convicted on three misdemeanour charges of not filing tax returns.

The maximum penalty for that is three years in jail, so you’ll never guess what punishment the prosecutors are pushing the judge to give him. ABC reports:

In a sentencing memorandum filed at a federal court in Florida — on the April 15 tax return filing deadline — the U.S. Justice Department asked a federal judge to sentence the “Blade” actor to three years in prison and pay $5 million in fines. “The sentence for the criminal tax scofflaw must be commensurate with the gravity of the offense, and should act as a deterrent to other potential violators,” federal prosecutors wrote.

That’s all well and good – having seen the movies Demolition Man, Boiling Point and Drop Zone it seems clear that Wesley Snipes can handle himself in jail – but what about us, the Wesley Snipes fans who want nothing more than to see a Blade 4 released sometime before old age turns us blind?

Maybe there’s a workaround here – Wesley Snipes’ screentime in Blade was 43 minutes, his screentime in Blade II was 40 minutes and his screentime in Blade Trinity was 39 minutes. That means that at this rate, Wesley Snipes’ screentime in Blade 4 will be reduced to a three-second scene of him driving past the other actors in a car while whooping to himself. We’re sure that a day-release can be arranged for that sort of thing.

Read more:

Prosecutors Want Prison, Fines for Snipes – ABC