Wesley Snipes - HecklerSpray

Wesley Snipes Hopes Jesus Christ Our Lord Can Pray The Handcuffs Off His Wrists

December 8th, 2010 By Mof Gimmers

Former actor, soon to be convict, Wesley Snipes has said that he’s pretty nervous about going to jail. Not surprising really. Prison is horrible. It is filled with people covered in tattoos who want to stove your head in and/or bum you something rotten. And Snipes is a hot piece of celebrity ass.

With legal challenges falling flat on their face, Snipes is looking for divine intervention.

That’s right – Snipes is hoping that Jesus Christ Our Lord will come and magic this all away, despite the fact that the Holy Ghost is probably making preparations for his birthday which is a matter of days away. No rest for the blessed.

Wesley Snipes Doesn’t Like Paying Taxes – Will Like Prison Even Less

December 1st, 2010 By Mof Gimmers

Remember when Wesley Snipes was an actor? Remember ‘White Men Can’t Jump’ and the Blade trilogy? They were successful weren’t they? He probably made a lot of money off the back of those films.

Sadly, Snipes didn’t fancy paying all that nasty tax that people stick on your wages, leaving him with a really boring criminal record.

Worse still is that Snipes has been ordered to start his three-year sentence for his failure to cough-up his taxes. A not-so lovely stay at a federal prison in Pennsylvania is due to start next week and there’s probably gigantic men already stroking their members in preparation for the appearance of some famous ass in the showers.

Michael Jackson: A Hecklerspray Apology

March 25th, 2010 By Steve Charnock

In light of public opinion, some of the comments and feedback we've received on the subject and a recent conversion to the peaceful teachings of Buddhism, Hecklerspray has had a change of heart about Michael Jackson. All those silly things we said about the King of Pop? We didn't really mean them. We've thought long and hard, meditated and pontificated on the subject and we had an epiphany; all those sly little digs, veiled insults and jokes we made about him were wrong. We see that now. You can take this as a solemn pledge to you, dear reader, that we will never speak ill of the great man again. No teasing, no mockery, nothing. We’re sorry.

And we mean that.

With that heartfelt oath out of the way, here?s news that Wesley Snipes had to hold perfectly normal and in no way weird or creepy Michael Jackson?s hand during filming of the ?Bad? video in 1987. The late singer, who was definitely only sexually interested in adult women, was reportedly so scared on-set in the tough Harlem neighbourhood where filming took place, that his co-star had to take his hand as they walked down the street.

WEBTHUMP! Wednesday 21 January 2009

August 6th, 2012 By Stuart Heritage

10 – We’ll admit that we don’t actually know what this is, but it sure is terrifying…

9 – Eight racist words you apparently use every day, you RACIST – Cracked

8 – Lily Allen in a silly hat – Popsugar

7 – Do you want to know who the top 25 American Idol contestants are? YES YOU DO – BuddyTV

6 – Want to make a notepad out of recycled receipts? Really? OK! – Instructables

5 – Human rights for robots? Holy cack – Wired

4 – My, Wesley Snipes DOES look jolly – Best Week Ever

New Blade Movie! Without Even A Sniff Of Wesley Snipes!

March 25th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

Batman, Superman and James Bond all proved that everybody loves reboots – so the chaps at New Line have come up with a sterling idea.

New Line is apparently gearing up to make a Blade reboot, even though Blade is barely a decade old as it is. What sort of reboot is Blade going to have? Nobody knows, except for the fact that Wesley Snipes will be nowhere to be seen in it.

According to reports, Wesley Snipes won’t be appearing in the new Blade movie, even for a second. Which, ironically, is still 10 seconds longer that he appeared in Blade Trinity for.

Wesley Snipes Can’t Jump. This New Fine, at Least.

March 24th, 2009 By Ian Dransfield

Looks like Wesley Snipes is going to have to revert to some of the crafty money-making techniques of Sidney Deane to get himself out of this pickle.

The star of the Blade trilogy, as well as Money Train – we’re not forgetting that one, Wesley – has had some… ‘troubles’, should we say, over the last couple of years. Troubles involving taxes. And how he didn’t bother to pay them between 1999 and 2001, apparently. Maybe he assumed his valuable contribution to movies was payment enough?

Regardless, the vampire-hunting, trash-talking basketballer who likes trains with money on them has been ordered by a federal judge to pay back $217,000 to the government, to cover the legal costs incurred in prosecuting him earlier this year.

Hopefully Wes can pull something like The Marksman 2: The Marksman in Space out of the bag to cover those bills. And use the tagline ‘Wesley. Snipes’. If it hasn’t already been done. And if it hasn’t, hecklerspray gets the copyright on that badboy.

Wesley Snipes Not Going To Jail Just Yet, Or Ever

March 25th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

Everyone’s known that Wesley Snipes is a bad man ever since he was convicted for, um, you know, something about taxes and money and whatever.

And because of this, Wesley Snipes was supposed to hand himself over to federal officials next month so he could start his three-year jail sentence for whatever that thing was about taxes that he apparently did. But not so fast – Wesley Snipes isn’t going down without a fight! He’s been granted bail pending an appeal of his conviction.

This could mean that Wesley Snipes might avoid jail completely, although this really is his last pitch for freedom so he needs to give the appeal his absolute all. And you know what that means, Wesley? No more getting rambling boneheaded character witness statements from Woody Harrelson? OK, Wesley? Not even one. Promise us, it’s important.

Wesley Snipes Gets Those Three Years In Jail After All

March 24th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

Well thanks a lot Woody Harrelson – Wesley Snipes asks you to do one bloody thing to keep him out of jail and you balls it all up.

No really, thanks. All Wesley Snipes wanted to you to do was write a heartfelt character reference to stop a judge from sending him to jail for three years on a tax evasion charge, and you ended up jabbering on about how close together your birthdays are. You really are a great big dipshit.

In fact, it’s probably all your fault that Wesley Snipes was sentenced to three years in jail yesterday. But you’ve only hurt yourself, you know – now that Wesley Snipes is in jail, you can kiss goodbye to any notion you had about making Money Train 2: Money Train In Space before 2011.

Wesley Snipes’ Chums Try To Keep Him Out Of Jail

March 24th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

There’s a good chance that Wesley Snipes will be sent to jail for three years today – but not if the bald bloke from Cheers has any say-so.

In a final desperate bid to wriggle out of a jail sentence after being found guilty of tax fraud, Wesley Snipes has enlisted the help of two of his most famous friends – Denzel Washington and Woody Harrleson – to write character witness statements pleading with the judge to let Snipes keep his freedom.

It might just work – the naturally-authoritative Washington appeals to the judge’s sense of leniency by referring to Snipes in his letter as ‘a mighty oak’. Harrelson, meanwhile, has just drawn a big picture of a happy cat in wax crayon on his, and then written ‘I like kitons’ underneath it. Might help.

Wesley Snipes Staring At Three Years In Jail

March 24th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

Now’s the time to start hoarding your special edition Passenger 57 DVDs, because you might not see Wesley Snipes again until 2011.

Now that he’s officially a convicted tax-dodger, Wesley Snipes is waiting to be told his fate, and prosecutors are urging the judge to hit him with the maximum three-year jail sentence, with a $5 million fine thrown in on top.

It sounds particularly harsh, but prosecutors want Wesley Snipes to serve the maximum punishment so it will deter any Wesley Snipes fans who think that not filing your tax returns is cool. Although we’re sure none of them think that – if Wesley Snipes has any fans at all, we’re not even sure they’d be able to spell their own names, let alone file any tax returns.