Justin Bieber may only be fourteen weeks old, but he’s got himself a wickle girlfriend and he wants to treat her right and thrown his ill-gotten earnings around at her until she believes it’s love.

And so, the two toddler millionaires went unchaperoned on a date which, in all honesty, sounds ghastly.

Imagine being played a film about death on a giant screen in an room with 20,000 empty seats surrounding you while a tiny boy winks at you from underneath a gigantic advertising hoarding. Just imagine that. Arousing huh?

Bieber took Gomez through a secret tunnel to the 20,000-seat home of the Los Angeles Lakers, sponsored by Staples.

In the middle of an entirely empty building – much like something from the last 20 minutes of The Shining – Gomez was shown silently to a table for two.

While she panicked and worriedly chewed her mushed up pasta, it invariably dawned on the poor young woman that this whole thing had been inspired by a scene from the Adam Sandler flick ‘Mr. Deeds’, which sees the loathsome comedian surprising Winona Ryder with a date for two at Madison Square Garden.

Anyway, after sitting silently in a stadium, that’s when Titanic began playing on a enormo screen in the arena, where the the dating children watched a film where 99% of the cast die.

After his date, Biebles chillingly tweeted:

“Romance isn’t dead… Treat your lady right fellas.”

Brrr.

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Celebrities! Ha! One thing you can count on is that, at some point in their ultimately worthless lives, they’ll decide that fulfilment lies in family. Settling down with a partner and having children and buying a dog and making soup. It’s there in the dull things that they’ll find spiritual enlightenment.

They’ll probably start doing bloody yoga as well and really getting into charity, never making a decent film or record again. Good art never came from a contented place.

And so, the latest celebrity we’ve lost is Natalie Portman who has given birth to a millipede with her fiancé Benjamin (who has the surname of Millepied if you’re wondering where this insect joke is coming from). And what awful name have they bestowed on this poor little many legged sod?

Well, this little vomiting grunt has been given the name Aleph, which sounds like someone trying to talk with three large marbles stuck under their tongue.

So why this particular stupid name?

Well, Aleph is the first letter of the Hebrew alphabet, which is like calling your child Alpha. Or Alf Alfa from The Little Rascals.

Of course, like all writers who don’t know a damn thing about such matters, we went to Wikipedia to find out more.

Apparently, Aleph derives from the West Semitic word for “ox”. So this child is a millipede/ox hybrid. Jeeeeez. Imagine pushing one of those out. Get a good picture of it in your head.

It’s also derived from the verb “le’alef” which means, in terms of pets, ‘tamed’ or ‘house trained’. That’s something at least. If you’re going to have a freak child, at least it won’t mess up that lovely rug you bought to really tie the room together.

Anyway, nice knowing you Natalie. At least you left us with that lesbian scene from Black Swan.

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Sadly, we’ve already used up our only joke in the headline of this story, but rest assured, because Natalie Portman has had a baby with Benjamin Millepied, we’ll almost certainly use it again. Because we’re thick. And unimaginative.

Anyway, Natalie Portman seems to have been pregnant for roughly eight years, which is not surprising seeing as she was incubating a human centipede (told you we’d use it again – bet you didn’t expect it to be quite so soon).

Sadly, as yet, the pair haven’t come up with a name for their son and there are absolutely no other details released to us unrelated plebs. Suffice to say, the two are overcome with joy that Portman managed to squeeze out a child with six legs, six arms and an ad-hoc three-body colon.

If you don’t know, Portman met Millepied while he worked as a choreographer on the set of Black Swan. Of course, you didn’t care much for all that dancing, but rather, focused solely on That Scene with Mila Kunis.

Perhaps Portman and Millepied’s eye met during the shoot for That Scene, with Benji Boy deciding there and then, that this is the woman he’d like to have sex with for the rest of his life.

They got engaged and she got pregnant and blah blah blah.

Alas, for those of you who like gazing upon Portman’s general loveliness, this baby-centipede brings bad news. If you remember, in May, Portman stated that she’ll be quitting Hollywood.

Taking her cue from Hollywood legend and notorious crackpot, Audrey Hepburn, she decided to become a mother, as opposed to a star.

“Audrey made some good choices in life. More and more I realize how unimportant it is to be in the history books or anything like that. Putting time and energy into your children, that’s valuable. “

She’ll be having a nightmare looking after this one, what with it’s constant weeping and horribly elongated body… because it’s a human centipe… oh forget it.

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Natalie Portman has suggested that she might quit all that acting lark. Why? Well, she’s seemingly intent on becoming a massive bore. That means she wants to focus on her family and presumably litter her Facebook with constant pictures of stupid humans that have grown in her womb.

She’s currently incubating an inevitable disappointment which was put there by her choreographer fiance Benjamin Millepied. That’s right. Millepied. This baby will have more legs than eyelashes.

Portman has spoken of her desire to emulate (aka ‘copy’) Hollywood icon Audrey Hepburn, who sacked Hollywood off to begin a family.

The actress sez:

“Audrey made some good choices in life. More and more I realise how unimportant it is to be in the history books or anything like that. Putting time and energy into your children, that’s valuable”.

So tough cheese if you’d like to see her being a bit lesbian in films or you’d like to stare at her buttocks in a fantasy romp.

Of course, Portman is currently starring comic-flick, Thor. Something of a relief after the whole gruelling Black Swan  shoot.

“It probably delayed the onset of a total breakdown from the efforts of doing Black Swan, which is going to hit at any moment….We got nice long breaks and I got to read in my trailer which was very comfortable and has a bed. I could eat whenever I wanted and train whenever I felt like it”.

She’s not even had her baby yet and she’s already started talking like a mumsnet bore. Next week, we imagine she’ll be prattling on about growing her own vegetables and knitting bootees.

The git.

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Everyone has been saying that Natalie Portman did a good job of pretending to be a ballerina in the film Black Swan. No, not that she’s an amazing ballerina – that she is good at pretending to be one, okay?

With that, the most pointless argument in Hollywood’s largely pointless history has kicked off, with dithering shovel brained people all cooing and spitting about just how much dancing Portman did in the Oscar winning flick.

Again. We’d just like to point out that Black Swan is a movie, not a documentary.

Movie fans are up-in-arms about the whole thing, presumably still angry about the fact Christopher Reeve couldn’t really fly despite making those Superman films (his inability to fly was cruelly underlined that time he fell neck first off a super horse), or indeed, furious that there’s a chance that ET wasn’t actually the drunk lodger of some kid.

Yet, bafflingly, director Darren Aronofsky and star Mila Kunis have been called upon to leap, pirouette and thrust their cod-pieces to the defence of Portman after her dancing body double came out and said that she’d done some of the routines for the actress. Like a stuntman in tights.

This double is called Sarah Lane and no-one really ought to care whether she did all Portman’s routines or 2% of them. That’s because Black Swan is a work of fiction. Okay? Just stating the insultingly obvious again.

Aronofsky however, has shrieked that Portman performed 80 to 90% of the routines seen in the final cut of his film. He says:

“Here is the reality- I had my editor count shots. There are 139 dance shots in the film. 111 are Natalie Portman untouched. 28 are her dance double Sarah Lane. If you do the math, that’s 80% Natalie Portman.”

Got that? Don’t care? Neither should anyone else.

Mila Kunis, Portman’s co-star in the film, also defended the actress before worrying that she may have to make claims that she was going to have to prove that she did actually lick out the glistening vagina of Natalie because, obviously, everything in films is supposed to be real.

That said, if there is footage of her really doing it [That's enough of that - Site Admin]

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Everyone likes Natalie Portman. She’s a very talented lady. And lovely to look at. Oh so very, very lovely to look at. And kisses a naked girl in Black Swan. In fact, she’s such generally brilliant that she’s even willing to do the most appalling things for a role.

She kisses Ashton Kutcher. On the lips. And doesn’t even dry-heave.

However, it isn’t without drawback as, the wonderful, lovely, lovely, really lovely Natalie points out that kissing Kutcher is plain weird. Because he’s a big weird dimwit. Probably.

Portman, who is having a baby with, regrettably, doesn’t  belong to hecklerspray (she’s ignores us no matter how many desperate emails we send), co-stars with Ashton in a new romantic comedy called No Strings Attached, which is bound to be rubbish. Rubbish, but with a really lovely leading lady. Oh, so very lovely. And talented. But most of all, lovely.

Naturally, this being what cloying idiots call a ‘rom-com’, there is lot of kissing to be had.

And Natalie confessed that kissing on-set is pretty difficult… especially when it is goon-minded pensioner-humper, Ashton Kutcher. That joke makes fun of the fact he’s stepping-out with Demi Moore who is, according to our records, over 6000 years old.

Says the lovely Natalie Portman:

“It’s awkward! It’s always awkward. It’s just weird to kiss someone that you wouldn’t choose to kiss in your personal life. You get over it. You laugh through it and act like an immature kindergartner, which is what I did much of the time.”

There you have it. She wouldn’t touch Kutcher with a shit-covered broom handle and, of course, he is prone to acting like a toddler loaded up on Skittles.

Poor Natalie. Poor, poor Natalie. Did we mention that we think she’s just lovely?

*wistful sigh*

Tune in next week when our infatuation turns ugly and we start nailing dead crows to Natalie Portman’s house until she agrees to marry us.

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The internet hasn’t been quite the same since Twitter arrived. Social interaction has been key throughout the history of the web, but it wasn’t until Twitter that we saw how mental or boring celebrities were. They debunked their own myths with a handful of crudely typed out missives. God bless ‘em!

And so, to celebrate stupid famous people, we’re going to cheer on the most mental and thick of the celebrity Twitter circuit.

You are, as ever, invited to submit your own in the comments should we be unaware of an actor’s barking rants or a musician’s daily nervous breakdowns.

Courtney Love

http://twitter.com/courtneyloveuk

Courtney Love is the queen of mental Tweeting, once chiding her daughter with one of the most cryptic sentences ever to grace an eyeball: “so how could she do it to me, ? dont answer fiddle you need to answer use the family wizard, i took the high road, i rasised you well & im”. Family wizard?

Normally, she can be seen ranting about people after her money, lawyers and haters. Alas, she seems to own the fattest fingers in the universe as her stream is filled with words that look like they’ve been pulled from a tumble drier full of letters.

Barmy.

Kanye West

http://twitter.com/KanyeWest

Do you think Kanye West has something of an ego? Saying “these tweets be made of real panther” doesn’t help does it? Still, he’s got sagely musings on the world, such as: “A guy came up to the flight attendant and asked her for a pen knowing damn well he had a pen. I guess people already know the strategy.” Pardon? Maybe it’s comments like this which have prompted the world’s slowest rapper (yes, slower than Turbo B from Snap!) to say: “I’m trying my best to stay out my own way”

Vincent Gallo

http://twitter.com/vincent_gallo

Vincent Gallo is the master of the mental tweet. He’s nearly got a 100% strike rate. Follow him immediately for messages like “There’s nothing funnier than a dwarf having an allergy attack. LOOKS LIKE YOU’RE MOONWALKING, LITTLE DUDE!!” and “Fuck EVERYONE who eats brown rice.” Not to mention “I can’t decide whether I hate cheese or just feel really, really sorry for it” and “Enjoying new underwear I got at Target today. Thinking about making a sandwich.”

At least he’s had the decency to say: “I’d like to apologize to everyone for Brown Bunny.”

William Shatner

http://twitter.com/williamshatner

Lovely ol’ William Shatner signs off every Tweet with “My best, Bill.” Isn’t that nice? He’s prone to musing about the tiny things in life, such as: “Are the person who invented the Big Mac and the chef who makes an intense pate de flagras equally genius? My best, Bill”.

Then there’s the cryptic message to his old chum, Leonard Nimoy, which reads: “@TheRealNimoy No response to my nurturing you to your independence. Did I hurt your feelings? My best, Bill”. Keep an eye on this one, he’s due a meltdown.

Brent Spiner

http://twitter.com/BrentSpiner

Who? He’s another Star Trek alumni. Yeah, the guy who played dead-eyed Data. Well he’s barking mad. See – “Had an idea. The Con-Con. A convention featuring only celebrities who’ve been arrested. Quite a list. They could sign their mug shots” as well as “Yo, homies. That’s all of B-Rent. Peeps gettin all rachael on me. Dawgs, it’s nothin but a thang. You all my g-biscuits. The end. Respeck.”

Danny DeVito

http://twitter.com/danny_devito

De Vito’s first Tweet was “My nuts are on fire.” That’s almost everything you need to know really. More recently he yelled: “Live it baby! Reach out and grab that shiny thing! Don’t be shy! Make sure you hold on to the horse!” as well as being prone to taking pictures of his own feet and calling it ‘Troll Foot”, as seen here.

Perez hilton

http://twitter.com/PEREZHILTON

Perez Hilton may well be ill in the brains, so it’s not surprising that his Twitter feed can be a bit of a rollercoaster. Recently, he earnestly said to Lily Allen: “I’d love to watch you eat your own crap” as well as courting LadyGaGa’s male alter-ego as his boyfriend.

Kirstie Alley

http://twitter.com/kirstiealley

Kirstie Alley is great isn’t she? She’s damaged and proud of it. Her Tweets are good value you too. Only this week she said “Good morning!! God I wish I could say something smart and profound……….got nothin…..I like you”. Normally she shouts about all manner of stuff, including “Ok…lets play it THIS way…WHO DO YOU want to shag???? Feel free to mention a plethora…COME ON PEOPLE…LET ER RIP!!!” and “Lets ALL change our hair color in the next 48 hours!!!! Come on, it will be fun and it will make the EARTH tilt!!….. sorta”

Calvin Harris

http://twitter.com/CALVINHARRIS

This week, Calvin has been wondering if it’s okay to sweat out of your knees and the eating some dusty Mini Eggs that he found in his car. However, it’s his rants against the music industry that see him included in List Mental.

“Imagine the buzz of making something that you love, and after 2 years you finally have something you can’t wait for other people to hear … then imagine that cd landing on the desk of ‘snide rich persons kid’ or ‘pathetic london scene-FACE, then them skipping through the tracks in their lunch break, and saying ‘well its calvin harris isn’t it? 2 stars, he’s a dick head’. I’m telling you now that it doesn’t feel good.”

He wasn’t done there either… “THIS ENTIRE INDUSTRY IS FULL OF RICH PEOPLE’S KIDS, EVERYWHERE, FUCKING RICH PEOPLE’S KIDS RICH PEOPLE’S KIDS,” “RICH PEOPLE’S KIDS GETTING GOOD REVIEWS BECAUSE MUMMY FUCKED THE JOURNO IN THE 80S”. Bless you son. Bless that mental little ball of skull putty you have.

50 Cent

http://twitter.com/50cent

And for an almost constant source of mirth, check out Pifty Pence’s feed. This, is just the tip of a ridiculous iceberg… “Man when I figure out how to use the spell Check on this motherfucker you niggas in trouble.”

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Some things don’t need explaining, and this is probably one of those things.

Needless to say, we’re looking into the cost of hiring Bill Cosby to loudly introduce us wherever we go. It seems to be the man’s forte. Berserk.

Kate Hudson is easily one of the most beautiful people in the world, because she’s literally the only skinny woman with blond hair on the planet.

But the pressure of having hair the same colour as Worzel Gummidge and not looking like you eat much is sometimes too much to bear, which is why Kate Hudson has decided to go and whine to Fox about how being beautiful is “weird.”

Fair play to Kate Hudson for being brave enough to admit that being nice to look at has such devastating drawbacks. In fact, more people should be told how weird it is to be beautiful, which is why Kate Hudson is planning a tour of poverty-stricken African nations and all the burns units in America to make sure that everyone knows just how unsettling it can be to wake up in the morning with flawless skin and incredible hair.

There’s no doubting that Kate Hudson is beautiful. She’s so beautiful that world champions of stuff fall for her. She’s so beautiful that people try to kill themselves when she splits up with them.

Kate Hudson is even so beautiful that people still let her be famous even though all she does in star in a succession of identical romantic comedies so completely vapid that they make us want to tear our own eyes out, stamp on the eyeballs and shove the remains in our ears like a kind of mushy, psychologically-disturbed muff.

But the problem is that people think that Kate Hudson has it easy just because she’s beautiful and has moviestar parents and has generally never wanted for anything in her entire life. And those people are so, so wrong. In actual fact looking pretty is literally the exact same thing as working down the mines all your life. Literally. Literally.

In fact, so perturbed is Kate Hudson about being beautiful that she seems to have chosen ‘whining about how pretty I am’ as the promotional angle for her new movie How To Date You, Me And My Best Friend’s Gold or whatever it’s called. It doesn’t matter. Dane Cook‘s in it. Don’t pretend you’re going to watch it. Anyway, Fox News reports:

After topping People magazine’s 25 Most Beautiful List this year, Hollywood’s golden girl is starting to feel a little uncomfortable with her knockout status. “It’s totally weird and yet it’s an honor at the same time,” Hudson told Pop Tarts at Monday’s Hollywood premiere of “My Best Friend’s Girl.” “At first you think it’s really cool, and then you’re like, what is this, that’s so weird … it’s really weird.”

Yeah, we totally understand. Being beautiful ourselves, we know that being beautiful is, like, so weird. Sometimes we just pass a shop window and catch a glimpse of our own reflection, and the next thing you know it’s 20 minutes later, our trousers are round our ankles, we can’t stop massaging our own face and there’s a crowd of policemen waiting to arrest us. It’s so weird. Beauty is complicated.

But, you know what, we have absolutely no sympathy for Kate Hudson. If she has such a problem with being beautiful, then maybe she should stop trying so hard. After all, why else would she agree to appear in a Dane Cook film unless she wanted to look beautiful. You could stick a wheelbarrow of roadkill offal next to Dane Cook and it’d look beautiful, for crying out loud.