There are certain places that you’re allowed to swear: in the bedroom of a loved one during some sort of steamy romp, a rum-fuelled pool party round Samuel L. Jackson’s house, a Derek & Clive record.

But there are other places where it’s not so cool to swear: in the bedroom of a dying relative during some sort of last rites, a fundraiser for a Pentecostal Church-sponsored under-eight’s netball team, ON AMERICAN TELEVISION AT ANY TIME AT ALL.

What happens when sweary movies are shown on some of the more sensitive US networks? I mean, the best films feature those dastardly curse-words, don’t they? Whether it’s Joe Pesci telling some ‘C-word’ to go ‘eff his Mother’, Jason Statham telling you to ‘suck his so and so’ or Clark Gable telling Olivia de Havilland in Gone With The Wind that, “Quite frankly, you fucking slag, I couldn’t give a fisherman’s piss!”

So how can television combat this evil, evil language? Awful editing that’s how! They take the offending words, cut them and replace them with re-recorded, inoffensive but audibly similar dialogue. Sometimes they do it well, so that if you’d not seen the movie before and didn’t look at the actor’s face when he says the formerly naughty thing, you just about might not notice. Other times, they’re balls-out-of-the-bath brazen about it. No sync-ing, nothing!

Let’s have a look at the ten funniest examples. C’mon, don’t be shy. LOOK SEE!

Die Hard 2

An extravaganza of cutting-room antics here. The highlight being John McClane’s reaction to a plane about to run him over, “Aaah, shoot!”

Robocop

“So, Mr. TV Exec, can we use the word ‘asshole’? No? How about ‘boner’? Not even that? Blimey. Can we leave in all the people getting their heads kicked in and gunned down in a vicious hail of machine-gun bullets? We can? Oh right.”

Weird Science

Words censored here include: nuts, tongue, studs, whips, bang and nipples. Tee hee hee! Nipples!!!

Casino

I hope the editor here was on commission – Casino had over 750,00 swear words! Fuck!

Scarface

If only it tasted like pineapple, eh lads? Eh? Who’s with me? Yeah! No?

The Usual Suspects

Now this is the kind of thing that should bag you Best Film Editing Oscar. Truly, a thing of beauty…

Big Lebowski

What happens when you fuck a stranger in the ass? Same thing that happens when you fight a stranger in the Alps apparently (your car gets smashed up by the fat bloke from Roseanne).

Pulp Fiction

Those fuckers in the editing suite cut every fucking line out of Tarantino’s brilliant fucking screenplay. With what’s left, you may as well just not bother and watch a couple of old episodes on Hangin’ With Mr. Cooper or something. A Travesty.

Ghostbusters

Not even an innocuous film like Ghostbusters can get past Ol’ Editing Edward Scissorhands.

Snakes on a Plane

This is the classic of the genre. It doesn’t get any better than Big Sam’s “I have had it with these monkey-fighting snakes on this Monday to Friday plane!” If only all hatchet jobs were this good, we could do away with swear words…

Had enough, you fudgin’ Margaret-flippers? Well, you better had ‘cause that’s it. Go on, scram, you fork-lift cake-sniffers…!

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We've all moaned about the seemingly endless remakes being churned out by Hollywood these days.

Whether it's pointless shot-by-shot rehashes of Psycho or awful renditions of classic British films such as Get Carter and the Italian Job, it seems nothing is immune to Tinseltown's obsession with recycling. When was the last time producers in Hollywood had an original idea?

Well, hecklerspray has decided to help the ailing American movie monolith by coming up with 10 films they should remake. It hasn't been easy. A lot of films on the list we love. But we are a giving site and have decided to stick our heads on the block. So why do it? Well, like we said, most of the films listed are films we love. But maybe it's time we updated them. That could be for a variety of reasons. Some films started as great ideas but just ended up as a pile of shit, while others have dated badly and could be improved upon by the latest special effects techniques. There are also movies that could simply do with a bath and clean clothing.

Oh, there is one proviso. George Lucas cannot get his hands on any of them. Here goes:

10. The Breakfast Club (1985)

Ok, a controversial choice. Everyone loves this movie. But it is a rites of passage film and for it to succeed with later generations it needs a new set of clothes and a new MP3 collection. Oh, and while you are at it, could you make sure the two girls in it are more attractive than Molly Ringwald and Ally Sheedy.

9. Ghostbusters (1984)

We know, another controversial choice, but we watched it the other day and the special effects looked really ropey. Of course, when we watched in our youth we thought they were cutting edge. But then again we also thought the Commodore 64 was state-of-the-art technology and Elite was the greatest game ever made. Times change. It's like when you watch those who old dinosaur films from the 50s and 60s and Raquel Welch is being attacked by lizards magnified several times to look big. Ghostbusters is starting to look like that. Just make sure Bill Murray's in it.

8. Jason and the Argonauts (1963)

This is a great movie. But just think what they could do with it now. We would put Peter Jackson at the helm, but only if he agreed to a limit of 1 hour 45 minutes in which to cram it in.

7. Battle Royale (2000)

We're astonished that there hasn't already been an American remake of this hugely popular Japanese cult classic about kids kicking the crap out of each other on an island. Just think of the carnage.

UPDATE: Apparently there was a remake of this, but we rule that it doesn’t count because it had a different name and Vinnie Jones was in it. Nothing starring Vinnie Jones counts.

6. Weird Science (1985)

We mentioned this in the pub the other day and not one person raised any objection. It's a great film and has not particularly dated. The real fascination is over who would play Kelly LeBrock's part. The crap TV series in the 90s does not count.

5. Outlaw (2007)

This much-derided British film about a bunch of ordinary citizens that decide to take the law into their own hands could have been so good – but it really wasn't. Keep the same premise, but give it a much better script and it's a
sure-fire winner.

4. Risky Business (1983)

We love this film, but we just hate the fact that it has Tom Cruise in it.

3. Waterloo (1970)

This is a fabulous film about the last days of Napoleon's reign, but the battle scenes could do with a bit of spicing up. Just as long as whoever does it sticks to the facts. No, the Americans were not there!

2. Invasion of the Body Snatchers (1956, 1978)

OK, so it's been remade twice already, but both are superb films. Plus, the political undercurrents in the film make it a must to be updated for each generation.

1. The Star Wars prequels (1999-2005)

We know what you are thinking, not again! But remember how excited you were when George Lucas announced he was going to make them. Admit it. You were like a giddy schoolgirl. You didn't know of the horrors there were to unfold: the crap dialogue, the pointless plotlines… Jar Jar bloody Binks. You couldn't wait to see it. Well, imagine if they actually did make it again, but with George Lucas as only a producer, and somebody else directing it, and another person writing the dialogue. Wouldn't it be nice? They could keep Natalie Portman and the kung-fu kicking Yoda and just start again.