Justin Bieber may only be fourteen weeks old, but he’s got himself a wickle girlfriend and he wants to treat her right and thrown his ill-gotten earnings around at her until she believes it’s love.
And so, the two toddler millionaires went unchaperoned on a date which, in all honesty, sounds ghastly.
Imagine being played a film about death on a giant screen in an room with 20,000 empty seats surrounding you while a tiny boy winks at you from underneath a gigantic advertising hoarding. Just imagine that. Arousing huh?
Celebrities! Ha! One thing you can count on is that, at some point in their ultimately worthless lives, they’ll decide that fulfilment lies in family. Settling down with a partner and having children and buying a dog and making soup. It’s there in the dull things that they’ll find spiritual enlightenment.
They’ll probably start doing bloody yoga as well and really getting into charity, never making a decent film or record again. Good art never came from a contented place.
And so, the latest celebrity we’ve lost is Natalie Portman who has given birth to a millipede with her fiancé Benjamin (who has the surname of Millepied if you’re wondering where this insect joke is coming from). And what awful name have they bestowed on this poor little many legged sod?
Sadly, we’ve already used up our only joke in the headline of this story, but rest assured, because Natalie Portman has had a baby with Benjamin Millepied, we’ll almost certainly use it again. Because we’re thick. And unimaginative.
Anyway, Natalie Portman seems to have been pregnant for roughly eight years, which is not surprising seeing as she was incubating a human centipede (told you we’d use it again – bet you didn’t expect it to be quite so soon).
Sadly, as yet, the pair haven’t come up with a name for their son and there are absolutely no other details released to us unrelated plebs. Suffice to say, the two are overcome with joy that Portman managed to squeeze out a child with six legs, six arms and an ad-hoc three-body colon.
Natalie Portman has suggested that she might quit all that acting lark. Why? Well, she’s seemingly intent on becoming a massive bore. That means she wants to focus on her family and presumably litter her Facebook with constant pictures of stupid humans that have grown in her womb.
She’s currently incubating an inevitable disappointment which was put there by her choreographer fiance Benjamin Millepied. That’s right. Millepied. This baby will have more legs than eyelashes.
Portman has spoken of her desire to emulate (aka ‘copy’) Hollywood icon Audrey Hepburn, who sacked Hollywood off to begin a family.
Everyone has been saying that Natalie Portman did a good job of pretending to be a ballerina in the film Black Swan. No, not that she’s an amazing ballerina – that she is good at pretending to be one, okay?
With that, the most pointless argument in Hollywood’s largely pointless history has kicked off, with dithering shovel brained people all cooing and spitting about just how much dancing Portman did in the Oscar winning flick.
Again. We’d just like to point out that Black Swan is a movie, not a documentary.
Everyone likes Natalie Portman. She’s a very talented lady. And lovely to look at. Oh so very, very lovely to look at. And kisses a naked girl in Black Swan. In fact, she’s such generally brilliant that she’s even willing to do the most appalling things for a role.
She kisses Ashton Kutcher. On the lips. And doesn’t even dry-heave.
However, it isn’t without drawback as, the wonderful, lovely, lovely, really lovely Natalie points out that kissing Kutcher is plain weird. Because he’s a big weird dimwit. Probably.
The internet hasn’t been quite the same since Twitter arrived. Social interaction has been key throughout the history of the web, but it wasn’t until Twitter that we saw how mental or boring celebrities were. They debunked their own myths with a handful of crudely typed out missives. God bless ‘em!
And so, to celebrate stupid famous people, we’re going to cheer on the most mental and thick of the celebrity Twitter circuit.
You are, as ever, invited to submit your own in the comments should we be unaware of an actor’s barking rants or a musician’s daily nervous breakdowns. Read More >>>
Kate Hudson is easily one of the most beautiful people in the world, because she’s literally the only skinny woman with blond hair on the planet.
But the pressure of having hair the same colour as Worzel Gummidge and not looking like she eats much is sometimes too much to bear, which is why Kate Hudson has decided to go and whine to Fox about how being beautiful is “weird.”
Fair play to Kate Hudson for being brave enough to admit that being nice to look at has such devastating drawbacks. In fact, more people should be told how weird it is to be beautiful, which is why Kate Hudson is planning a tour of poverty-stricken African nations and all the burns units in America to make sure that everyone knows just how unsettling it can be to wake up in the morning with flawless skin and incredible hair.
Justin Bieber may only be fourteen weeks old, but he’s got himself a wickle girlfriend and he wants to treat her right and thrown his ill-gotten earnings around at her until she believes it’s love.
