It’s okay everybody, you can relax, there’s no more need to worry, Kevin Federline is fine.

We know, you were scared that K-Fed might be taken from us too soon, but we’re pleased to announce that all is well with Britney’s Baby Daddy and he didn’t actually suffer a heart attack that none of us would have cared about.

Federline was hospitalised earlier this week after he collapsed whilst filming a weight loss show in Australia, he was quickly rushed to hospital along with the paramedics who had initially tried to lift him onto the stretcher.

The world’s most favouritest douchebag spent much of the day in hospital, before being released to recover at home, probably in a soiled wife beater and a trucker cap.

At the peak of his girth, Federline had reached a whopping 17stone, which doesn’t sound like much for an American, but being – as he is – an American that was supposed to be vaguely famous for something, this a HUGE deal.

Admittedly that thing he was famous for was having sperm so polluted that it sent Britney Spears batshit insane enough for her to marry him, shave her head, attack a car with an umbrella and hole up in her Hollywood mansion, in a weird Waco 90210 stand off.

We should applaud Federline for attempting to get back into shape, but he’s just so annoying it’s hard for us to even care whether or not this little episode was an actual problem with his heart, or indigestion caused by the rapid consumption of a Big Mac.

It probably was indigestion anyway, it’s hard to imagine K-Fed, who’s now sporting a pony tail because he wasn’t white trash enough before, can even eat a simple burger without taking breaks from chewing with his mouth open to tell anyone and everyone who will listen how he totally nailed Britney Spears, whilst simultaneously humping and spanking the air in a display of chauvinism that borders on the retarded.

So next time you’re in a fast food chain, about to tuck in to that tasty burger you ordered, just remember this. Somewhere, out there in a restaurant just like the one you’re sat in, is Kevin Federline.

Fatties! Are you still hurting because you never got to try out that Jessica Simpson fitness DVD?

Don't be, because Fat Actress star Kirstie Alley has decided to help you out herself. According to a statement, Kirstie Alley has parted ways with weight-loss gurus Jenny Craig and she's now dedicated to developing her own weight loss brand to help ordinary people like you look more like Kirstie Alley.

No, really, looking like Kirstie Alley is a good thing. Stop laughing. It is. Fine, be like that.

Obesity is getting to be a real global epidemic these days, as anyone who's had to spend an eight-hour flight perched next to a gigantic, snoring, belching one-and-a-half seat-taking lardarse who you semi-honestly believe to be fat enough to crash through the bottom of the plane taking you with them will agree. But it's OK, because Kirstie Alley is on the case.

You know, Kirstie Alley. She used to be in Cheers, then gave it up to do nothing but sit at home force-feeding herself quesadillas like some kind of ginormous Mexican foie gras goose. Kirstie Alley even made Fat Actress, a TV show about how grossly overweight she was, to prove that actually she was quite happy being the size of a small European municipality. And then, deliberately undermining the point of Fat Actress, Kirstie Alley lost some weight, went on Oprah in a bikini and hasn't bloody shut up about it since.

Kirstie Alley credits much of her weight loss to Jenny Craig, the slimming company that says you'll probably only get thin if you eat pre-packaged food that's got 'Jenny Craig' written all over the front. And so vocal was Kirstie Alley about Jenny Craig that she ended up being the company's spokesperson for a while.

But not any more – Kirstie Alley has jacked in her spokesperson role and wants to devise a way for people to lose weight herself. According to The Associated Press:

"After lengthy negotiations, regretfully the Jenny Craig Company and I did not come to an agreement to continue as their spokesperson," Alley said in a statement posted on People Magazine's Web site Tuesday. Alley, 57, told People that while her experience with Jenny Craig was "extraordinary," she wants "to create something new that will help millions of people end the seemingly never ending fatty-roller coaster ride." Alley said she intends to develop her own weight-loss brand with plans to launch in 2009. 

Don't feel bad for Jenny Craig, though. It's got another celebrity spokesperson in place already – Queen Latifah. Yes, we know that she's not actually that thin, but perhaps she's cheap or something.

As for Kirstie Alley, she'll spend the rest of the year slaving over her own weight-loss program. She'll put everything she has into figuring out a scientific explanation for why people get fat and the methods in which they can reverse the trend. 

And then next year Kirstie Alley will emerge from her supersize bunker clutching the heavy 1,000-page manuscript of her weight-loss formula – 999 pages of which will be blank, with the remaining one containing the words 'try eating less' in tiny print. Thanks Kirstie, you genius.

Read more:

Alley to Develop Own Weight Loss Brand – Associated Press