So what’s number one at the US weekend box office today? A highbrow critical darling? A well-received edgy comedy? Any of the new horror movies? No. It’s sodding High School Musical 3, isn’t it. Again.

That means that the stars of High School Musical 3 are officially bigger than Seth Rogen and Angelina Jolie combined. Perhaps to reassert their popularity, in their next movies Seth Rogen will sing a number of songs about believing in yourself and Angelina Jolie will take a naked picture of herself and post it on the internet. But not the other way round, though – that would be horrible. Angelina Jolie really can’t sing.

High School Musical 3 is the number one movie at the weekend box office for the second week running, proving that if there’s one thing that children like more than dressing up as mutilated corpses and threatening to deface strangers’ property unless they’re given confectionery, it’s watching Zac Efron sing uplifting songs about the power of friendship. No wonder this planet’s so messed up.

This last week has seen some of the hardest-fought movie promotion we think we’ve ever seen. But how effective has it been? Let’s find out with the US weekend box office top five…

1 - High School Musical 3 (Level of weekend box office movie promotion: we don’t care. High School Musical 3’s continued box office success has dramatically slumped in the weekend box office has probably pushed the cast’s acceptance of direct-to-DVD erotic thrillers as a primary source of income back by about five years. That means that we’ll have to put up with the inevitable Moderately Risky Side-Boob era, but that seems to be working out OK for Jessica Alba, doesn’t it) $15,035,000

2 - Zack And Miri Make A Porno (Level of weekend box office movie promotion: that one time that Kevin Smith told everyone that he broke a toilet with his bottom recently. That’s literally all we have to say on the matter) $10,682,000

3 - Saw V (Level of weekend box office movie promotion: none. Saw V’s continued success proves that you don’t need a controversial title or a frighteningly ubiquitous media presence to make a movie a success – you just need a couple of scenes of people cutting off their own hands in horrifically graphic detail. Listen and learn, God And Gays: Bridging The Gap) $10,110,000

4 - Changeling (Level of weekend box office movie promotion: frightening. To make Changeling a success, Angelina Jolie has done everything from rub her boob on a baby’s face to arming her children with daggers. Sad to say, the plan wasn’t a complete success, and Changeling’s lack of a weekend box office number one title can probably be put down to the three whole seconds that Angelina Jolie’s smug face wasn’t plastered all over every single newspaper, TV show and magazine in the world two weeks ago on Tuesday. Whoops) $9,407,000

5 - The Haunting Of Molly Hartley (Level of weekend box office movie promotion: Since we’ve never heard of The Haunting Of Molly Hartley, we’ll say zero. Now, if the movie’s star Haley Bennett had got fat and destroyed a bathroom while breastfeeding a baby whose hands she’d just chopped off, it’d be a different matter entirely. Haley Bennett is an idiot) $6,009,000

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Weekend Box Office – Box Office Mojo

No wonder Burn After Reading is top of the weekend box office today – just look at the pedigree. An Oscar-winning actor, an Oscar-winning actress and the world’s biggest celebrity starring in a movie by the most recent winners of the Best Director and Best Picture Oscars. In fact, never mind the weekend box office – Burn After Reading should be gold-plated and put on God’s mantlepiece forever.

It probably won’t be, because in fact Burn After Reading looks like the sort of self-consciously wacky nonsense that’d go straight to DVD if the Coen Brothers didn’t direct it. But, hey, you can’t argue with a number one spot at the US weekend box office – that’s the Bangkok Dangerous spot, after all.

We’ve always thought of the Coen Brothers as the Box Of Chocolates Described By Forrest Gump’s Mother Of Movie Directors (or BOCDBFGMOMD for short). Basically, you never know what you’re going to get with them. No Country For Old Men won every single award going, but their film before it was The Ladykillers – a movie that could only have been worse if they’d let The Cheeky Girls do the soundtrack.

But Burn After Reading, the follow-up to No Country For Old Men, is the number one movie at this week’s weekend box office, so it must be equally as good as Meet The Spartans. And, apparently it is. Equally as good as Meet The Spartans. Hooray for the Coen Brothers. Here’s this week’s weekend box office top five…

1 - Burn After Reading (Want to know why so many people have gone to see Burn After Reading? It’s because it’s officially the only time that people can drool over Brad Pitt and George Clooney for ab hour and a half without them either droning on about Darfur or bitching about the paparazzi. Score!) $19,404,000

2 - Tyler Perry’s The Family That Preys (We don’t know what this movie’s about, but we’re guessing it’s about a family of black people who reunite before having deep heartfelt tragicomic conversations about themselves in a gushy self-help style that nobody can really say they enjoy. We’ll just watch the trailer to see how right we were… ach, close enough) $18,020,000

3 - Righteous Kill (Remember when a movie starring Robert De Niro and Al Pacino would have been exciting rather than third at the weekend box office tedious? No, us neither. We’re only young) $16,500,000

4 - The Women (A film about some women. That’s literally everything you need to know) $10,088,000

5 – The House Bunny (Know what this means? It means that The House Bunny is more popular than The Dark Knight. Eat that, The Dark Knight. Obviously, the superiority of The House Bunny over The Dark Knight won’t be made official until it’s made another $475,000,000 and caught up financially, but that’s only going to be a matter of days away) $4,300,000

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Weekend Box Office – Box Office Mojo

Anyway, We’re only telling you this because Nicolas Cage’s new film Bangkok Dangerous is number one at the US weekend box office this week, taking in a mighty seven million dollars. Look, that figure might be 22 times less than The Dark Knight took on its opening weekend, but did The Dark Knight feature a skinny man in a funny wig shooting people in a boat? No, no it didn’t. Point proved.

Bangkok Dangerous‘ weekend box office success makes us think that all Asian movies would do well if they were remade starring Nicolas Cage. Imagine Nicolas Cage eating a live octopus in an Old Boy remake. Or Nicolas Cage kicking over cities in a Godzilla remake. Or a remake of The Ring where Nicolas Cage crawls out of a TV and scares Nicolas Cage to death and Nicolas Cage has to investigate it. Yes!

Bangkok Dangerous is the top movie at the weekend box office – and it’s not particularly surprising, given moviegoers’ love for horrible wigs, violent assassinations, generic action thrills and Nicolas Cage patronising the Asians. Maybe if Babylon AD had got Vin Diesel to overpronounce the word ‘holiday’ to a confused elderly man from South-East Asia, that would topped the weekend box office too. Here’s the US weekend box office top five:

1 – Bangkok Dangerous (Another reason why Bangkok Dangerous succeeded was because of the ‘location description’ formula of its title. Bangkok really is dangerous, you see. It’s not a formula that would work in this country, though – would you go and watch Sutton Coldfield Underwhelming? Of course you wouldn’t. Not even if it had Nicolas Cage with a girl’s haircut in it) $7,800,000

2 - Tropic Thunder (Thank goodness Tropic Thunder’s still doing the weekend box office business, because otherwise Steve Coogan would have only had Hamlet 2 to rely on, and that died a death. Oh Steve Coogan, whyever did you stop making geographical action movies with Jackie Chan?) $7,500,000

3 - The House Bunny (Wow, that’s three for three gormless comedies so far in the weekend box office. America must really love to laugh at the momen… what? Bangkok Dangerous isn’t a comedy? Really? That’s a serious haircut, then? Crikey) $5,900,000

4 – The Dark Knight (Since casting rumours for The Dark Knight’s sequel have now officially gone berserk, let’s throw this one in here – in the next movie, Nicolas Cage is actually going to be playing Batman. And Alfred. And The Penguin. And Catwoman. Blimey, this cough medicine really is quite strong, you know) $5,715,000

5 - Traitor (We could be wrong, but Traitor sounds like it’s basically the flashback story of Sayid from Lost, except without the sneaking suspicion that the invention of Google Earth has rendered the whole fucking thing completely pointless) $4,660,00

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Weekend Box office – Box Office Mojo

Now the slightly better news – that still meant that The Dark Knight pulled in $75 million in sales this weekend, over $45 million more than its next best rival. Clearly, The Dark Knight is something of a weekend box office phenomenon.

So what can a forthcoming film – say, Vicky Christina Barcelona – do to match The Dark Knight’s weekend box office success? Easy – have Penelope Cruz killed by an accidental overdose and then convince Woody Allen to beat up his own mother a day after it opens. Also, if they could make the film inordinately long and so morally heavyhanded that it may as well be delivered by a wild-eyed redneck preacher, that’d be great too.

Well well, it looks like The Dark Knight has set some more records. By taking $75 million at the US weekend box office this week, it’s become the movie with the best-ever second weekend gross, beating Shrek 2 by a handful of million dollars.

Added to The Dark Knight’s other records – like biggest opening day, biggest opening week, biggest opening weekend, fastest movie to $200 million, most depressing mainstream film ever, film most benefited by a case of alleged mother-abuse, most successful movie about an oddly-dressed man standing on top of a series of skyscrapers in a ridiculously serious way – then it’s clear that The Dark Knight is, um, popular. Or something.

Here’s this week’s US weekend box office top five…

1 - The Dark Knight (Fed up of all the Batman 3 speculation already? Wondering if it’ll be Catwoman or The Penguin who’ll square off against Batman? Well worry no more, because we know who the Batman 3 villain will be – Batman’s arch enemy The Part Time Old Lady Clown Who Batman Is Related To. Fear her, Batman!) $75,630,000

2 - Step Brothers (Well who’d have thought it? The Dark Knight – the film that’s got halfway to Titantic’s all-time box office figure in just two weekends and is apparently one of the best movies ever is more popular at the weekend box office than Will Ferrell being the exact same character he is in everything he ever does for the 60th time) $30,000,000

3 - Mamma Mia! (Mamma Mia is, of course, the traditional Italian expression of surprise or anguish. However, in an ironic twist not a single Italian said “Mamma mia,” when they heard Pierce Brosnan slaughter SOS in the movie Mamma Mia. That’s because they were all too busy screaming “Ouch, il mio cazzo orecchie! Penso che il mio cervello è stato permanentemente danneggiato, è pelosa vecchio bastardo!”) $17,865,000

4 - The X-Files: I Want To Believe (Warning: unwanted sequel to a movie of a TV show that hasn’t been popular for a decade and a half in ‘underwhelming weekend box office’ shock. Still, Christopher Nolan must be thrilled that he left the scene of Billy Connolly staggering around with blood dripping from his eyes out of The Dark Knight. That’s clearly box office poison) $10,200,000

5 - Journey To The Centre Of The Earth (So what’s at the centre of the Earth? Dinosaurs and massive fish, apparently. Eat it, magma scientists) $9,415,000

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Weekend Box Office – Box Office Mojo

More than that, though, The Dark Knight is the biggest-ever movie at the number one box office – to the tune of $155 million. That’s even more than Spider-Man 3 managed. The Dark Knight better than a film about Kirsten Dunst doing a dance about some eggs? Wow, that is good.

What’s more impressive is that The Dark Knight managed to be the best ever movie at the US weekend box office even though it’s an overlong pitch-black morality tale made notorious by the death of one of its stars. That means that The Dark Knight is also the most depressing box office megahit since at least Big Momma’s House 2 came out.

Looking at the list of all the other movies that have at one point had the biggest-ever weekend box office grosses, there are some pretty big names on the list. Spider-Man, Pirates Of The Caribbean – but now The Dark Knight has topped the lot of them. That’s right – the death of Heath Ledger is the new Johnny Depp’s funny run, or something.

The runaway weekend box office success of The Dark Knight just goes to show that movie audiences are sophisticated enough to enjoy complex, endlessly deep meditations on the similarity between good and evil after all.

And, given Hollywood’s love of ripping off other successful ideas, we’re now looking forward to seeing the upcoming reinvention of Digby The Biggest Dog In The World, which will now be four hours long, shot entirely at night and have a profound philosophical core based on Eliezer Yudkowsky’s principles of Singularitarianism.

Here’s this week’s US weekend box office top five…

1 - The Dark Knight (As exciting as it is, The Dark Knight might just go down in history as the most depressing movie to be crowned biggest-ever film at the weekend box office. And now the focus will turn to how Christopher Nolan plans to top The Dark Knight – we’d imagine that it’ll involve a noose being given away with each movie ticket in case the audience feels like hanging themselves at the futility of it all by the halfway point) $155,304,000

2 - Mamma Mia! (Forget the deformed face of Harvey Dent, the unexplained motives of The Joker or the constant reminders of Heath Ledger’s untimely death – by far the scariest thing about this week’s weekend box office is the sound of Pierce Brosnan caterwauling his way through SOS like Lee Marvin in Paint Your Wagon repeatedly stubbing his toe on a breezeblock made of stinging nettles in Mamma Mia!) $27,605,000

3 - Hancock (Number three? That’s rubbish! Perhaps Hancock would have fared better if it had taken a leaf out of the number one and number two movies at the weekend box office, and either starred a dead bloke or featured a song and dance number performed by a man who sounds like a wounded dog drowning at the bottom of an abandoned well. Next time, Will Smith. Next time) $14,000,000

4 - Journey To The Centre Of The Earth (Forget Journey To The Centre Of The Earth, we want to know why Space Chimps only got to number seven at the weekend box office. Sure, The Dark Knight probably stole some of its audience away but, come on, Space Chimps? It’s called Space Chimps, for crying out loud. You’ve disappointed us, America) $11,910,000

5 - Hellboy II: The Golden Army (Hellboy II managed to lose 70% of its opening weekend audience in the space of seven days. Meanwhile, Meet Dave only lost 68.9%. Suck it, Hellboy II: The Golden Army!) $9,813,000

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Weekend Box Office – Box Office Mojo

And now, adding to the list, is Hellboy II: The Golden Army – this week’s number one weekend box office movie. And Hellboy II should be proud of its achievements, too, because it managed to out-box office that film about lots of little Eddie Murphys living inside a big Eddie Murphy head. That’s impressive!

Actually, we’ll come clean and admit that we don’t know why so many people went to see Hellboy II: The Golden Army. We’re guessing that it’s because one of Bros is in it. Bros are still big, right?

Feeling beaten over the head by this summer’s never-ending onslaught of superhero movies yet? You are? Well tough shit, because Hellboy II: The Golden Army is top of the US weekend box office chart and there’s dick-all you can do about it.

Perhaps one of the reasons why Hellboy II has succeeded at the weekend box office is because of its director Guillermo del Toro. After all, Guillermo del Toro’s last film Pan’s Labyrinth was a critical smash, winning all sorts of awards like Scariest Monster To Have Eyes On Its Hands And Stuff when it was released. Is Hellboy II likely to repeat that success? Well, it has managed to make Ron Perlman look less weird, so maybe there’s a visual effect award or two in there somewhere.

Here’s the US weekend box office top five…

1 - Hellboy II: The Golden Army (One of the reasons we’re not convinced by Hellboy II: The Golden Army is that gold is a notoriously soft metal. You could probably see off a golden army with a decent carbide tungsten spanner, in fact. What’s the point of making a film about that?) $35,885,000

2 - Hancock (You know what we like? Films that have endings which bear no relation to any of the rest of the film. We love Hancock, in that case) $33,000,000

3 - Journey To The Centre Of The Earth 3D (The centre of the earth? Pah – if you want to see a movie that’s exciting and scary you should hang around for our new movie, Journey To The Centre Of London On A Replacement Bus Service Due To Unplanned Engineering Works. You’ll never be the same again) $20,580,000

4 - Wall-E (Wall-E is into its third week in the weekend box office top five, unlike Eddie Murphy’s Meet Dave, which couldn’t even get a top five spot in its first week. Somewhere in a parallel universe, maybe Wall-E got a Spice Girl pregnant and fucked up his career, too) $18,509,000

5 - Wanted (Sadly Wanted has now been overshadowed by the birth of Angelina Jolie’s twins. But it still managed to beat Meet Dave. Somewhere in a parallel universe, maybe Eddie Murphy isn’t an unpleasant wanker) $11,586,000

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Weekend box office – Boxofficemojo

Exhibit A: Hancock is number one in the US weekend box office. And, considering that Hancock's a movie which contains a scene about one man physically pushing another man's head into a third man's rectum, that's actually quite impressive.

Hancock's weekend box office success just furthers his incredible run of movies that are wildly popular despite not being especially great - I Am Legend, The Pursuit Of Happyness, Hitch, I, Robot, Men in Black II, Bad Boys II. A couple more of these babies under his belt and he might even beat the record currently held by Adam Sandler.

This summer is clearly the summer of being clobbered over the head with superhero movies until we're all lying semi-conscious in a pool of our own blood pleading with Hollywood to stop. Iron Man, Batman, The Incredible Hulk – even noted superhuman crimefighters Abba have a movie out this summer. And now even Will Smith's got in on the act with Hancock.

And you have to admit that Hancock getting to be number one at the weekend box office is more down to Will Smith's charisma as an actor than anything else. It's mildly staggering to think that a dark comedy about a world-hating superhero of no fixed abode could be so successful, but imagine if it was a dark comedy about a world-hating superhero of no fixed abode starring Nicolas Cage. It wouldn't stand a bloody chance, would it? Here's this week's US weekend box office top five…

1 - Hancock (After denying that the acts of handing out free Scientology personality test vouchers to the Hancock crew and opening a school where Scientologist teachers teach a Scientologist curriculum make him a Scientologist, Will Smith faces another rough ride when his next movie Will Smith Stares Into A Camera And Repeats The Phrase 'I Am A Scientologist' For Two Hours is released later in the year) $66,000,000

2 - Wall-E (Wall-E's continued box office success now makes him the second most excitement-provoking robot of all time, after that time our entire family walked in on us humping our Roomba) $33,417,000

3 - Wanted (For a film about physics-defying ultra-assassins, Wanted's got a bit of a crap name, hasn't it? According to IMDb it's actually the 19th film to be named Wanted, and none of the other 18 sound particularly thrilling. Let's hope that nobody in the future confuses this Wanted with the 13-minute German Wanted or the 1983 Bollywood Wanted. It's easily done, you know) $20,607,000

4 - Get Smart (Get Smart has now utterly outclassed The Love Guru in the lame summer comedy movie stakes, with the latter still only halfway to making its money back. If only Mike Myers had made a spy spoof first) $11,125,000

5 - Kung Fu Panda (A computer animated movie about funny animals starring famous actors? What a great idea – why didn't anyone think of this first?) $7,500,000

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Weekend Box Office – Box Office Mojo

Well, not really. In fact, the way things are shaping up, 2008 might just be the summer of hopelessly underperforming would-be blockbusters. Let’s hope so, because that’d amuse us a bit more.

Why all the doom and gloom? Because The Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian, this summer’s third blockbuster and the sequel to the huge The Lion, The Witch And The Wardrobe, has topped the weekend box office with a disappointing gross about $20 million shy of expectations. Indiana Jones, you’re next.

This could be shaping up to be a terribly disappointing summer weekend, box office-wise. Although Iron Man opened so gigantically that everyone thought this’d be a bumper year, the one-two punch of Speed Racer shitting the bed and now The Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian doing worse than expected has got the doom-mongers rubbing their hands together and mongering away like their lives depended on it.

And they could be right; the Indiana Jones movie is getting some dreadful reviews – as is Sex And The City – and the fact that The Dark Knight stars a freaky dead guy might just prove off-putting too.

But for now let’s focus on The Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian, which has underwhelmed due to either a) everyone playing GTA IV, b) nobody caring about Prince Caspian due to its lack of witches and wardrobes or c) since making The Lion, The Witch And The Wardrobe, Walden Media has been dedicated to throwing out bad fantasy crap every couple of weeks, and who’d pay to watch something made by the same people who paid for Bridge To Terabithia?

Still, let’s hope that The Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian didn’t disappoint too much – we’re praying that this doesn’t hurt the chances of The Chronicles Of Narnia: The Horse And His Boy getting turned into a film. Horses and boys? That’s box office gold right there.

Anyway, here’s this week’s US weekend box office top five…

1 - The Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian (The real reason that The Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian disappointed at the weekend box office? Because the annoying big-toothed kid from The Lion, The Witch And The Wardrobe is now an annoying big-toothed young lady. And you know you’re in trouble when you can’t even count on the paedo vote) $56,573,000

2 - Iron Man (Of course, if The Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian was really serious about getting a good opening weekend box office, it should have followed Iron Man’s lead and had a bit at the end where Samuel L Jackson’s all like “Hey Edmund! Get ready for some deep shit, motherfucker – Lord Rhoop’s in the next film and some shit.”) $31,200,000

3 - What Happens In Vegas (You know what else happens in Vegas? Toni Braxton has a series of terrifying heart scares) $13,850,000

4 - Speed Racer (Of course, at least The Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian still has something going for it – it isn’t Speed Racer. Aha ha ha ha ha. Oh, Speed Racer) $7,645,000

5 - Baby Mama (Dear Hollywood, please release more than one film a week, because if we have to write about Baby Mama for another week we might just cry ourselves into dust) $4,593,000

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Weekend Box Office - Box Office Mojo

Don’t go! We’re not messing around! If you go to Costa Rica this weekend, you’re in for a really terrible time. We’re not joking. Because joining you in Costa Rica will be notorious hell-raisers Britney Spears and Mel Gibson. And people – Britney Spears and Mel Gibson have gone to Costa Rica… together!

But one crumb of comfort should be taken in the fact that Britney Spears and Mel Gibson haven’t gone to Costa Rica for a romantic getaway. Because, seriously, if Britney’s berserk, bipolar, approval-starved genes got mixed up with Mel’s angry, alcoholic, racially-suspicious, hardline religious genes to create a new life, well, we’ll have found that life-long malevolent global oppressor we’ve been dreading.

With the Burmese cyclone and the Chinese earthquake, the last thing the planet needs now is for yet another natural disaster to decimate it. We’re not sure if Britney Spears and Mel Gibson going on holiday to Costa Rica together qualifies as a natural disaster, but we’re furiously ramming crates of tinned food into an aid package just in case.

Because it’s hard to think of two celebrities who’ve made more of a douchey impact on the world over the last few years than Britney Spears and Mel Gibson.

While Britney’s been suffering from a gradual tick tick tick of spiralling mental instability that’s run the gauntlet from professional failure through allegations of child abuse all the way to a stint in a psychiatric hospital, Mel destroyed his life in one moment of explosive drunken car-driving anti-Semetic sex-threatening sugartittery. Different methods, sure, but with mainly the same result.

And this shared love of buggering their own lives up almost beyond repair have meant that Britney Spears and Mel Gibson have struck up an unlikely friendship. Two months ago Britney and Mel were seen eating Russian food together, and now that’s been extended into a horrific-sounding Spears/Gibson family holiday in sunny Costa Rica. E! Online reports:

E! News has confirmed the singer joined Mel Gibson aboard a private jet this morning, bound for Costa Rica. The unlikely, but not unprecedented, duo was joined on their trip by Spears’ father, Jamie, and Gibson’s wife, Robyn. Though the exact nature of the trip is not yet known, it appears to be nothing more than a friendly weekend getaway, with a source telling E! News the group departed from Los Angeles with the intention of hanging out at Gibson’s Costa Rica property “for a couple days.”

Actually, it’s cruel of us to suggest that Britney and Mel’s weekend in Costa Rica will end up in a huge drunken mess. Mel Gibson has managed to get his career back on track since his little incident, and his propensity to help other troubled celebrities is admirable. Maybe a getaway with the Gibsons will help Britney Spears get right back on track.

So what will Britney Spears and Mel Gibson be doing in Costa Rica this weekend? Let’s see what Rough Guide has to say about the country:

San José’s nightlife is gratifyingly varied, with scores of friendly bars and live music venues. Be aware, though, that prostitution is legal in Costa Rica and, in San José, very mainstream. Sex tourism is on the rise, and you’ll find that many of the “bars” in downtown are, in reality, little more than pick-up joints for professional transactions.

Wuh-ohhhhhhh!

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Brit ‘n’ Mel Become Bon Voyage BFFs – E! Online

There are all sorts of festivals to cater for all sorts of musical tastes in all four corners of the world. The main ones kick off at this time of year and hecklerspray is here to tell you all you need to know about each festival, who the essential people are to see and which act to avoid so you can queue up for the overflowing shit-filled portaloos.

We begin with the first big festival-type affair of the year, this weekend’s Radio 1’s Big Weekend down in Kent. This particular bash doesn’t have a fixed location, but over the years it has proved to be a popular event for all who can get a ticket.

Now listening to Radio 1 may not be to everyone’s taste. Listening to Chris Moyles‘ self-indulgent rants and enduring the apparent queen of radio Jo Whiley may slightly grate on some people. However, Radio 1 is part of the BBC and in return for the Beeb wasting license fee money on stupid flashy graphics for the news, they do occasionally give the public something back. It comes in the form of free music for gig goers.

What makes the festival such a success is that it gives people the chance to see high-flying bands of the moment who normally wouldn’t get the chance. In previous years, Radio 1 has been to Sunderland, Preston and now it’s the turn of Maidstone.

Instead of the people of these towns and cities having to travel for live music, it comes to them. However, the popularity of this concept always knackers things up. 500,000 applied for tickets this year. We don’t think that 500,000 live in Maidstone, though. More than likely people have applied from all over the UK in the hope they are selected in order to make a quick buck on ebay.

As per usual, this festival doesn’t take too many daring risks on who is playing. Most of the acts currently have albums out or are playlisted on the station. No chance of any Ethiopian jazz on the bill. But before we get too cynical, there is a new stage this year showcasing unsigned talent from the local area. So for anyone daring, there could be something new and exciting for them.

Held over two days, the free gig does offer a spectacular line up, and if have got your hand on a ticket, we have selected some of the bands to see and those to miss.

Saturday – Go go go!

Madonna – Watching a pensioner crawl and roll around on stage whilst trying to remain sexy and dignified is a test that will make either vomit or laugh endlessly. Though the vomiting could be brought on by the ropey £5 uncooked burgers you bought earlier in the day.

The Ting Tings – Should be interesting to see how they perform live. Their current single is as good as the first and a big crowd should be there to see how they tackle a live outing

Saturday – Avoid like the plague

Paramore – Sounds just like Avril Lavigne when she was in her grungy and pissed off with the world period. But this time it’s labelled as a band’s sound and not one of a solo artist.

The Hoosiers – You’re not kooky, new or cutting edge. Instead you look like wankers as you prance around like twats.

Sunday – Go go go!

Goldfrapp – Cooler then an ice lolly, Alison Goldfrapp pioneers a cool blend of ambiance and electronica. The electronic sound that granny Madonna rips off.

Gallows – They will tear you a new arse hole. No prisoners are taken.

Sunday – Avoid like the plague

Pendulem live/DJ set - For fuck’s sake, you’re already doing a live set on the same day with your drum and bass which is wooden and bland. So why bother doing a rubbish DJ set when someone else could take the slots? Give us London Elektricity instead!

Basshunter – To recreate the sound of Basshunter, smash your head off a wall. Or we’ll do it for you if we find out you have a copy of their kebab shop anthem.

Thing is, though, it seems you know so much about Semi-Pro from all of this that none of you bothered to actually go and see the thing.

Although Semi-Pro is the US weekend box office number one, it only managed to scrape together a meagre $15,200,000 – roughly a tenth that Spider-Man 3 made in the same amount of time. Does Semi-Pro's relative failure mean that the public is getting sick of Will Ferrell sports comedies? Well, yes. Plainly it does. Can't you people read?

You know what you're getting when Will Ferrell makes a film. You're going to get at least two of the following – 1) an ironic 1970s setting, 2) a tired sports theme and 3) giant belly laughs. But it seems with Semi-Pro, you only got the first two. Even though it's number one at the weekend box office, Semi-Pro opened three times worse than Talladega Nights and twice as bad as Blades Of Glory. And even less than Meet The Spartans. That's all the criticism it needs. Here's the US weekend box office top five…

1 - Semi Pro (So the wheels have finally come off the Will Ferrell sports movie wagon. Although in the long-term that might push Will Ferrell to make more interesting stuff like Stranger Than Fiction, it spells disaster for the upcoming Untitled Will Ferrell Snooker Project, Untitled Will Ferrell Darts Project and Untitled Will Ferrell Unicycle Hockey Project) $15,200,000

2 – Vantage Point (Vantage Point really missed a trick, you know. Instead of showing a murder from multiple viewpoints, it could have just shown it from one and saved everyone from wasting an hour and a quarter of everyone's lives) $13,000,000

3 - The Spiderwick Chronicles (We're still steadfastly refusing to look up what The Spiderwick Chronicles is actually about but, since it's been in the weekend box office for three whole weeks now, we're almost completely certain that it's not a Will Ferrell sports movie) $8,752,000

4 - The Other Boleyn Girl (Seriously, our world is turning upside down this week. It's not just ironic Will Ferrell advertising spots that are stopping movies from doing well this week, it's lesbian kisses between Scarlett Johansson and Natalie Portman too. What's going on? We're scared) $8,300,000

5 - Jumper (Finally, some normality. Jumper continues to lose huge amounts of viewers week after week. Thank God for shitty-looking action films!) $7,600,000

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Weekend Box Office - Box Office Mojo 

You guessed it – Jumper is the top movie at the weekend box office.

Jumper, you'll remember, is the film where Hayden Christensen can jump through space in an instant. We're looking forward to when he learns to jump through time, because maybe we can convince him to undo the Star Wars prequels. And Factory Girl. And Awake. And maybe, if we're lucky, the moment he decided to be an actor instead of a Superdrug shelf-stacker.

Jumper – this week's number one US weekend box office movie – has all the ingredients of a summer blockbuster. Special effects, flash-bang trailers, Rachel Bilson in a bra – these are all indicators that Jumper should have been released when the kids are on school holiday. But it's been released in February instead. Why is that?

Because Jumper looks shit, obviously. But let's not run its achievements down – Jumper is still top of the weekend box office. And that's something to be proud of, especially when a trailer featuring the phrase 'From the director of Mr & Mrs Smith' should have cinemagoers clattering into each other in a race to get to the exit. Here's this week's US weekend box office top five:

1 - Jumper (Now the debate can begin – would Jumper be any better if Eminem had starred in it? We'd like to think it would and, if fortune smiled on the production, it may have even been a tenth as good as Snoop Dogg's Hood Of Horror) $27,225,000

2 - Step Up 2 The Streets (Do you like movies about dancing? About young people battling to express themselves? With numbers in the title where words should be? No, us neither. Something tells us we should all avoid this one, then) $19,666,000

3 - The Spiderwick Chronicles (Jumanji, basically. But without Robin Williams. So better) $19,080,000

4 - Fool's Gold (Fool's Gold lost almost 40% of its audience in a week, meaning that perhaps braindead romantic comedies about two unlikable people with zero chemistry aren't the box office juggernauts that everyone expected) $13,080,000

5 - Definitely, Maybe (Fools Gold? Definitely, Maybe? What's with all these romantic comedies taking their names from 1990s British guitar bands? We swear to God, if Hugh Grant pops up in the next few months with a film inspired by the artistic merit of Shed Seven, we're going to throw ourselves off a bridge) $12,804,000

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Weekend Box Office – Box Office Mojo 

Because that's what The Bucket List is about, and The Bucket List is currently the top movie at weekend box office. It's not difficult to see why The Bucket List did well at the US weekend box office – it's basically a remake of Cocoon, but one where all the old people die at the end instead of getting zapped up by aliens.

And, really, who can honestly say they they weren't a little disappointed when all the old people didn't die at the end of Cocoon.

The Bucket List is number one at the US weekend box office, thanks to its winning mix of effortless star power – between them, Morgan Freeman and Jack Nicholson have played presidents, God and a sort of werewolf thing – and the enduring appeal of movies about terminal cancer patients learning important lessons about themselves.

The Bucket List is also the reason why Jack Nicholson had a crazy bald head at last year's Oscars, which will come as a profound disappointment to anyone who was hoping that he was preparing to play Skeletor in some sort of live-action He-Man film. Here's this week's US weekend box office top five…

1 - The Bucket List (The weekend box office success of The Bucket List just goes to show that Jack Nicholson doesn't need to perform alongside a horrific-looking dildo to win fans over. However, that hasn't stopped him from signing up for his next movie, tentatively entitled Dildo And The Dildos On The Planet Of The Dildos) $19.540,000

2 - First Sunday (From the 10 seconds of First Sunday we've bothered to watch, we get the impression that it's about Tracey Morgan running around in his pants and screaming and nothing more. So that's us sold) $19,000,000

3 - Juno (On the basis that Juno is the new Napoleon Dynamite, we can look forward to Ellen Page's next role where she'll star as the friend of a ditzy ghost played by Reese Witherspoon that's by all means terrible) $14,000,000

4 - National Treasure: Book Of Secrets (Does anyone know what secrets are in this special book yet? We're hoping that they'll include how to do power serves on Wii Sport, what animal Barbara Windsor's hair comes from and who put the ram in the ramalamadingdong. Otherwise we're not going to watch it) $11,482,000

5 – Alvin And The Chipmunks (Make it stop. Just someone, please, make it stop) $9,100,000

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Weekend Box Office – Box Office Mojo 

But still, National Treasure: Book Of Secrets must have something going for it, otherwise it wouldn't be so flipping popular at the US weekend box office. Maybe National Treasure: Book Of Secrets has done such good business at the weekend box office because it is a masterpiece, or maybe it answers a number of profoundly upsetting questions that the cinema-going public may have had for some time now.Or perhaps – just perhaps – National Treasure: Book Of Secrets is number one at the weekend box office because the main competition this week comes from a shitty horror film about a spooky telephone.

So National Treasure: Book Of Secrets is the number one movie at the US weekend box office, as it has been for three weeks now. But why? Our guess is that it's down to mostly natty film-titling. National Treasure: Book Of Secrets is perfect – everyone likes secrets, everyone likes treasure, plenty of people like national stuff and the word 'of' – but the 'book' part is what'll stop it from topping the weekend box office for months to come. Who reads books any more? That's craziness! Now, if the movie had been called National Treasure: Xbox 360 Of Secrets, different story altogether. Here's this week's US weekend box office top five…

1 - National Treasure: Book Of Secrets (Now that Nicolas Cage's first ever sequel is a success, perhaps he'll be keen on revisiting some of his other movies – personally we can't wait to see him star in World Trade Center 2 where, trapped under the rubble of the fallen buildings, Cage befriends a tiny animated rapping mouse who teaches him how to love) $20,225,000

2 - I Am Legend (Although I Am Legend has missed out on the bulk of awards and nominations this year – largely because it isn't very good – we hear that Coventry City manager Ian Dowie could be up for a Best Supporting Actor nomination for his role as All Of The Infected Zombies) $16,300,000

3 - Juno (So Jamie Lynn Spears gets pregnant and Juno – a film about a pregnant teenager – shoots up the weekend box office charts. So if anyone has made a film about a crazy woman being wheeled around in a hospital getting psychologically tested, now's the time to bung it out) $16,225,000

4 - Alvin And The Chipmunks (Now that Alvin And The Chipmunks has made almost three times its budget in America alone, perhaps it's time to look forward to Alvin And The Chipmunks 2. That is unless this writers' strike goes on forever. So, you know, fingers crossed) $16,000,000

5 - One Missed Call (Just like The Ring, but about spooky voicemail that kills people. Think that the 'killer phonecall' subgenre is dead? Think again – next month sees the release of a movie about subscription-based name compatibility text-message services… that KILL PEOPLE) $13,525,000

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Weekend Box Office – Box Office Mojo 

It did alright. Ish. We suppose. For a festive family fantasy blockbuster with a budget of $180 million, The Golden Compass managed to top the US weekend box office, but only by taking a relatively paltry $26 million. The Golden Compass' failure to ignite the weekend box office any more than, say, Flubber or S.W.A.T will be a disappointment to many, but a timely reminder that there's only a certain amount of dads in the world able to convince their children to see a movie just because Nicole Kidman wears a tight gold dress for about three minutes in it.

The Golden Compass is enjoying a slightly pyrrhic victory at the US weekend box office today, because – although it's number one, it's got a slightly disappointing gross. So why has The Golden Compass underperformed at the box office? Is it because the movie's anti-Catholic sensibilities has alienated its key audience? Is it because rumours got out that the movie had to go through extensive reshoots because it was originally quite rubbish? Or was it because films about polar bears punching each others' jaws off isn't everyone's idea of a lovely Christmas movie?

One thing's for sure – this weekend box office haul will be disappointing to The Golden Compass' studio, which is now stuck with a loss-making franchise to complete. There's an obvious way around this, though – the series' dramatic climax, where the main characters murder the central God figure in his tower high above the clouds can be downscaled to a scene of Daniel Craig kicking a tramp in the nuts. Same thing really. Here's this week's US weekend box office top five…

1 - The Golden Compass (Part of The Golden Compass' appeal is that things in its universe are slightly out of line with what we'd expect. For instance, naughty children are sent to an arctic wasteland in The Golden Compass, where in this universe Jeremy Clarkson just picks them up and shakes them around a bit) $26,125,000

2 – Enchanted (Soon to be involved in a hard-fought weekend box office battle with Alvin And The Chipmunks for the title of Most Adorable Animated Movie Rodent. Since the character in Enchanted doesn't eat clumps of its own shit in the trailer, though, we're going to call the Enchanted rodent the early favourite) $10,706,000

3 – This Christmas (Like Last Christmas by Wham, but much longer and less likely to go onto bum men in hedges or fall asleep at the wheel of its car) $5,000,000

4 - Fred Claus (Fred Claus' continued inability to do very well at the US weekend box office proves one very important thing. That, um, it probably isn't very good) $4,660,000

5 - Beowulf (Beowulf's success at the weekend box office means that Ray Winstone's older films might do better with some CGI treatment to make him look better. First to be given this makeover is Nil By Mouth, in the hope that more people will go and see it because, although Ray Winstone will still domestically abuse Kathy Burke in a series of harrowingly bleak scenes, Winstone will have a bit more of a six-pack and Burke will look exactly like Angelina Jolie) $4,400,000

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Weekend Box Office – Box Office Mojo