Boneheaded men roaring at each other? Women in scraps of clothing? Hairy beasts senselessly rutting together in an unpleasant clumsy mess? No, we're not describing a Friday night out in Guildford, apart from that last bit.

We're actually talking about 10,000 BC, this week's top movie at the weekend box office.

While 10,000 BC might look like a confusing, badly-plotted muddle that only did well at the US weekend box office because the trailer had lots of bangy noises in it, it's actually the fruit of a highly scientific experiment to see what you get when you mix equal parts Apocalypto, Lord Of The Rings and One Million Years BC. The answer, like you need to be told, is a bag of shit.

In the future, when people ask you what the worst weekend box office in living memory was, remember this date.

Because, sweet baby Moses, is this week's weekend box office ever appalling. Thanks to the weekend box office one-two of Fool's Gold and Welcome Home Roscoe Jenkins, the stars of the two most popular films in America right now - and thus the biggest stars in America - are Kate Hudson, Matthew McConaughey and Martin Lawrence.

If you need us we'll be weeping despondently in our lead-lined bunker.

Well this is a first - the top movie at the weekend box office is a filmed concert, like the sort of thing Channel 4 sometimes shows on Sunday afternoons.

But it isn't any old filmed concert - it's Hannah Montana/Miley Cyrus: Best of Both Worlds Concert Tour, a movie starring the ubiquitous Miley Cyrus that's only being released for one week, and even then only to people who agree to wear ridiculous 3D glasses.

And obviously by 'people' we mean 'children'. No self-respecting adult would dare to see Hannah Montana/Miley Cyrus: Best of Both Worlds Concert Tour. What's that? You did? Get out.

Quick! What's less funny than Scary Movie? Date Movie! And what's less funny than Date Movie? Epic Movie! And what's less funny than Epic Movie?

Why, it's Meet The Spartans - the film that does for 300 what Epic Movie did for Superman. And Meet The Spartans is the new number one movie at the weekend box office, even though it looks about as funny as that operation where you pull parasitic guinea worms out of your leg.

Still, Meet The Spartans wasn't the only ridiculous parody to chart high in the US weekend box office - Rambo came in at number two.

Cloverfield - or That Shaky Camera Film About Godzilla Punching The Heads Off Statues as it's known round here - is top of the weekend box office.

But how could it possibly not be? Ever since the Cloverfield teasers flickered into life six months ago, the movie was always going to end up topping the US weekend box office. How good is Cloverfield exactly? According to weekend box office grosses, it's 82 times better than Woody Allen's new film.

But then again we recently did a shit that was 83 times better than Woody Allen's new film, so that isn't exactly high praise.

Big cinema weekend, this one - there's Will Smith's giant monster movie still out, plus new releases like the Oscar-likely Sweeney Todd and the unstoppable Judd Apatow's new comedy Walk Hard.

But none of these movies topped the weekend box office. No. The top movie at the US weekend box office chart this week is National Treasure: Book Of Secrets, a sequel to a film that the majority of people forgot even existed about a day after it was released. But National Treasure: Book Of Secrets isn't just important because it topped the weekend box office - it's also important because it's a successful Nicolas Cage film, and that fact alone has turned our perception of the world upside down to such a hideous extent that we're half expecting Santa Claus to come down our chimney and crap in our mouths tonight.

I Am Legend - the movie where slightly-too-loud to be completely sincere man of the people Will Smith plays the saviour of all mankind - is number one at the weekend box office.

That's not exactly a surprise, since Will Smith could film himself puking down his chest into his underwear and it'd still top the US weekend box office. But the weekend box office success of I Am Legend proves that Will Smith can carry a movie completely by himself now - something that will come as a relief to his next two movies, the provisionally-titled Will Smith Pukes Down His Chest Into His Underwear and Will Smith Stares Unblinking At A Cinema Audience In Close-Up For Three Hours While The Word 'Obey' Flashes Constantly Underneath.

As far as ancient English epic poems go, Beowulf is probably the cockniest - and that's based on Ray Winstone screaming the word "MONSTAH" in the Beowulf trailer we saw.

But, hey, it seems like Americans like nothing more than computer-generated movies based on ancient English epic poems starring markedly skinnier versions of tubby cockney actors who, admittedly, could still shatter our skulls with one blow of their tiny cockney fists if they wanted to. That's because the Ray Winstone-starring Beowulf is number one at the US weekend box office - a remarkable achievement for a film that's basically one long PlayStation 2 videogame cut-scene that was written almost 1,500 years ago. Still, Beowulf's weekend box office success goes to show that all it takes to bridge the chasm between ancient literature buffs and the young post-MTV generation is Angelina Jolie's tits and some blood.