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Weekend Box Office

Great News: Disaster Movie Not Top Of US Weekend Box Office

by Stuart Heritage

Every year they’ve come and every year they’ve made a little part of us die inside – Date Movie, Superhero Movie, Epic Movie, Meet The Spartans…

So we met the news of Disaster Movie’s release with a kind of grim stoicism. Yes, Disaster Movie would be an awful hodge-podge of cackhanded spoofs so hopelessly broad that only the very worst kind of dribbling crosseyed halfwit would enjoy, but it’d end up as number one in the weekend box office and our burgeoning misanthropy would get another power-boost.

But no – Disaster Movie isn’t top of the US weekend box office. Disaster Movie isn’t even in the weekend box office top five. Tropic Thunder’s still number one. Thanks, humanity! A bit!

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Wall-E Adorably Crushes Weekend Box Office Into A Cube

by Stuart Heritage

It’s shaping up to be quite a controversial weekend box office summer, with films starring dead people, films that actors have refused to promote and – worst – Sex And The City.

But no film this summer is likely to be as controversial as Wall-E, the latest Pixar movie to top the weekend box office. It’s hard to think of a more uncommercial-sounding movie than a film about a silent robot compacting rubbish on a deserted planet, but that’s what Wall-E is.

And Wall-E isn’t just a commercial success, either – as well as being number one in the US weekend box office, the movie has also been called ‘perfect’ by more than one reviewer. Yeah? So what – there’s a bit in The Love Guru where it sounds like Mike Myers is calling someone ‘cuntface’ when he’s not and it’s funny, so shove that up your critically adored poop-chute, Wall-E.

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Weekend Box Office: Get Smart Way Less Rubbish Than The Love Guru

by Stuart Heritage

Forget any of the other weekend box office wars of the year, for this weekend saw the battle of the disappointingly underwhelming puerile comedies.

In the red corner was Get Smart, the critically reviled movie remake of a TV spy spoof starring Steve Carell, and in the blue corner was The Love Guru, the critically reviled new movie by Mike Myers, a man most famous for making spy spoof movies. And which movie came out on top at the US weekend box office?

Get Smart won the war, beating The Love Guru into second place. Wait, did we say second place? We meant third place. Wait, did we say third place? We meant fourth place. Fourth place.

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The Incredible Hulk Delicately Tops Weekend Box Office With The Grace Of A Springtime Ballerina

by Shawn Lindseth

In 1826, when Stan Lee first suggested Bruce Banner should get doused with a smidgen of radioactive-nuclear goodness, the other folks at the Marvel table must have been like ‘Not now Stan, we’re moving our families out west to claim some free government land‘. Which must have been frustrating if you think about it. But [...]

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Sex And The City Tops Weekend Box Office, Despite No Men Ever Seeing It

by Stuart Heritage

Some things just has ‘box office gold’ stamped all over it – and now that list also apparently includes ‘two and a half hours of four ropey-looking middle-aged women screeching’.

You guessed it – Sex And The City is number one at the weekend box office this week, edging Indiana Jones And The Kingdom Of The Crystal Skull into second place. Which, we think, makes overlong dull-as-cocks shoe-based babbling the new man-eating ants. Or something. Oh, we don’t care.

Anyway, Sex And The City is the weekend box office number one and, while it didn’t break any traditional records as such, it is thought to hold the prize for the amount of times that the three men who were henpecked into seeing it managed to murmur “kill me” to themselves during its duration.

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Iron Man Still Stomping All Over Weekend Box Office

by Stuart Heritage

Iron Man has really beaten the odds – it’s now enjoying its second week on top of the weekend box office, despite the massive gamble involved in making it.

Not because it’s a B-list superhero movie with indie sensibilities starring a middle-aged recovering drug addict or anything, but because nobody really knew if big expensive blockbusters about flying robots who can blow shit up with arm missiles were all that popular.

Of course, Iron Man’s biggest challenge will come during next week’s weekend box office – can it still cling onto the coveted number one slot in the face of a crappy-looking Narnia film starring that over-earnest big-toothed kid we couldn’t really stand in the last one? Only time will tell.

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Baby Mama Does A Sperm Inside Weekend Box Office

by Stuart Heritage

Hey, did you hear the news? Iron Man’s coming out next week! Truly, Iron Man will flatten the weekend box office when it’s released.

Really, we mean it. Iron Man looks incredible – Robert Downey Jr, John Favreau, exciting special effects, Gwyneth Paltrow not being all annoying and crap. Yes, Iron Man certainly looks like an exciting weekend box office proposition and no mistake. Hooray for Iron Man!

Oh, and Baby Mama is this week’s US weekend box office number one. It’s about pregnancy or something. Snore.

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Prom Night: The Lame-Looking Weekend Box Office Champion

by Stuart Heritage

It’s been a while since a hopelessly opportunistic lowest common denominator horror movie reached the top of the weekend box office, but Prom Night has sorted all that out.

As far as we’re able to tell, Prom Night is a scary movie about a bunch of insufferable teens who get all dressed up for a posh party, only for an escaped lunatic to chop them all into pieces in graphic disgusting detail one by one.

So congratulations to Prom Night for getting to the top of the US weekend box office, although we can’t help thinking that the movie would have been even more successful if it had listened to our idea and called itself The My Super Sweet 16 Wish-Fulfilment Movie.

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Weekend Box Office: 21 Piddles All Over Clooney

by Stuart Heritage

George Clooney, they say, is the perfect movie star. He’s handsome, charming, socially aware, a critical darling and lightly self-deprecating.

Trouble is, nobody goes to see any of his movies. You may have thought that this instalment of the weekend box office would be all about Leatherheads, the knockabout screwball sports comedy that George Clooney stars in and directs.

But no – Leatherheads lost out at the weekend box office to last week’s US weekend box office number one 21. George Clooney, then – officially not as good as shit films about maths that nobody could possibly come close to liking.

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Weekend Box Office: Kevin Spacey In Mildly Successful Movie Shock

by Stuart Heritage

Kevin Spacey is a well-respected theatrical artistic director. This is mostly because all the films he’s made lately have been cack.

It’s true – look at K-Pax, Pay It Forward, The Shipping News, Fred Claus. Kevin Spacey can’t even make a Superman movie these days without everyone thinking it’s a bag of stupid donkey pubes.

But, hey, look at this – Kevin Spacey is in 21, and 21 is the number one movie at the US weekend box office this week. And 21′s success is definitely because Kevin Spacey is in it, not because loads of attractive young folk hint at scenes of graphic rumpy-pumpy in the trailer. No sirree.

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