Grown Up Gossip & Internet Villainy
It looked like the latest instalment of the Harry Potter films was going to stay at the top of the box office chart ’til the new year kicked in, but it limped off like a weary magician after a failed children’s party.
Instead, the top five is a Harry Potter free zone with Tron landing the Christmas number one (read our review here or you’ll die) spot, which shows that people don’t want substance at this time of year.
They want 3D aerobee!
It goes without saying that, this week… just like last week… and probably next week, the new Harry Potter film is topping the box office chart. Even if Deathly Hallows Part 1 was seven hours of Daniel Radcliffe staring into a fridge wondering what to eat, it’d still top the chart.
That’s not to say the new flick is rubbish. We gave it a rather positive review. Yes, yes. Calm down. We do actually like some stuff y’know?
But this weekend, a lot of people turned up at the cinema to watch all manner of crap.
Like the music charts, cinema has a race for the Christmas number one spot. For some reason, people want to go to the cinema in the most miserable of weather. Honestly, you’d be better off staying inside.
However, Harry Potter & Co have timed their run to perfection to try and bag the glory of being the most watched film at the end of 2010.
Handy really, because the film will be fresh in everyone’s mind when they’re compiling their Films Of The Year lists.
Oh look! The cinema, as a whole, is still in business. Yep. People still want to go and sit in a darkened room with a bunch of grazing idiots, staring at a screen that actually reduces your intelligence and gives your eyes cataracts.
It’s probably the greatest service that the movies has really because, for every diminished bit of vision and braincell lost, you walk out into that big horrible world and notice one less disgusting thing about it.
And this weekend, we’ve got a bright blue scalp to thank.
Are you lot still going to the cinema to watch films? We don’t even know why we asked that because, it is staggeringly obvious that you are. That’s why we’re writing about new films that are coming out and the like.
The thing is, when you start articles about charts and the like, you have to pad it out with a bit of fluff in an attempt to get you to click over the jump and read the meat of the articles.
Of course, these post-modern intros which look like its poking fun at the format, when in fact, it isn’t, don’t help matters at all. However, it does meet the word-count required, so we can now stop this farce and get on with telling you what landed in this week’s cinema chart and where.
With Halloween on the way, everyone seems to be in the business of wanting to scare all the poo-poo out of their bums, leaving the people who subcontract cleaners to our megaplexes rolling in money.
Of course, the mark of a successful scary movie is how much money is frightened out of our collective wallets and in through the tills.
And this weekend, Paranormal Activity 2 is the thing frightening your pennies into submission, landing at number on the weekend box office charts.
Unfathomably, there’s people out there still attending the cinema. You just can’t wait a couple of months to watch a film in the comfort of your own home, where there are less idiots and the chance to pause proceedings so you can urinate freely without hurry.
That said, film makers have got wise to this and started making everything in 3D so you have to go to the bloody picture houses.
Avatar gave us the chance to see blue people having sex with their ponytails and now, the latest smash, Jackass give you the chance to watching someone having a shit in three glorious dimensions!
By God the cinema looks like a grim place to be at the moment. There’s a full-on fervour for the type of film that was churned out in the ’80s. Yep. The yuppies are back and there’s movies being made about them.
Last weekend, one of the original highflyers returned and crash landed at the top spot. Gordon Gekko from Wall Street arrive with the sequel and now, well, we’ve got the newest kind of go-getter with Yupster, Mark Zuckerberg.
Unfathomably, someone saw fit to make a film about him and Facebook. Yes. A film about a bloody website.
When will this dreadful ’80s revival piss-off? Seriously. Bad hi-tops, lurid florescent Ray Ban copies, androgynous synthpop, gym memberships, Soda Streams and bloody cabin boy shoes are rampant across the world. It’s like being stuck inside Simon Le Bon’s wardrobe with a gun and no bullets.
The best you can hope for is that you’ll bleed to death after beating yourself about the head.
But the fascination with all things ’80s and the unashamed greed it promoted continues apace… highlighted of course, by the re-emergence of Gordon Gekko in the latest Wall Street film, which has topped the box office charts.
Well hello! If it isn’t the return of Ben Affleck! What’s he been up to then? Well, he’s been the Man About Town and Smokin’ Aces. He’s enjoyed the Company of Men and… we’re tiring of crowbarring film titles into sentences.
Basically, Affleck is back with a new film which everyone seems to like. He’s not only acting in it, but he’s also written the bloody thing AND directed it too. Three wages at once is a nice little number indeed! Oh, it’s called The Town.
And so, with a load of new films coming out in various stinking cinemas, which ones have been watched more than others?
Is the new Resident Evil still getting the mop out on everyone else?
