Weekend - HecklerSpray

Reading Festival Is Rearing Its Ugly Head Again

March 17th, 2011 By Kris Silver

The great Reading Festival ticket rush is right around the corner, which is causing people of no?discernible?music taste to wet themselves with glee while the rest of us look on in astonishment that this festival manages to sell out year after year.

The Reading and Leeds festivals are one of those bizarre anomalies that perplex music fans the world over. How can a company put on a festival with weaker line-ups, higher ticket prices and more problems than we're legally allowed to mention and yet continue to draw a huge demand for tickets?

The answer is obvious. Hipsters.

High School Musical 3 Still Weekend Box Office Number Blah

March 25th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

As well as it being Halloween, this weekend saw the release of all manner of hot Oscar contenders and hugely-hyped comedies.

So what’s number one at the US weekend box office today? A highbrow critical darling? A well-received edgy comedy? Any of the new horror movies? No. It’s sodding High School Musical 3, isn’t it. Again.

That means that the stars of High School Musical 3 are officially bigger than Seth Rogen and Angelina Jolie combined. Perhaps to reassert their popularity, in their next movies Seth Rogen will sing a number of songs about believing in yourself and Angelina Jolie will take a naked picture of herself and post it on the internet. But not the other way round, though – that would be horrible. Angelina Jolie really can’t sing.

Burn After Reading Burns Weekend Box Office (After Reading)

March 25th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

The Dark Knight had better watch out – come Oscar time the whole world’s going to be in a randy froth about Burn After Reading.

No wonder Burn After Reading is top of the weekend box office today – just look at the pedigree. An Oscar-winning actor, an Oscar-winning actress and the world’s biggest celebrity starring in a movie by the most recent winners of the Best Director and Best Picture Oscars. In fact, never mind the weekend box office – Burn After Reading should be gold-plated and put on God’s mantlepiece forever.

It probably won’t be, because in fact Burn After Reading looks like the sort of self-consciously wacky nonsense that’d go straight to DVD if the Coen Brothers didn’t direct it. But, hey, you can’t argue with a number one spot at the US weekend box office – that’s the Bangkok Dangerous spot, after all.

Bangkok Dangerous Kicks The Poo Out Of Weekend Box Office

March 25th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

Nicolas Cage apparently lives in Bath, but everyone knows that his real home is the top of the weekend box office. Or a wig shop. Who knows?

Anyway, We’re only telling you this because Nicolas Cage’s new film Bangkok Dangerous is number one at the US weekend box office this week, taking in a mighty seven million dollars. Look, that figure might be 22 times less than The Dark Knight took on its opening weekend, but did The Dark Knight feature a skinny man in a funny wig shooting people in a boat? No, no it didn’t. Point proved.

Bangkok Dangerous‘ weekend box office success makes us think that all Asian movies would do well if they were remade starring Nicolas Cage. Imagine Nicolas Cage eating a live octopus in an Old Boy remake. Or Nicolas Cage kicking over cities in a Godzilla remake. Or a remake of The Ring where Nicolas Cage crawls out of a TV and scares Nicolas Cage to death and Nicolas Cage has to investigate it. Yes!

Weekend Box Office: The Dark Knight Continues To Widdle On Everything

March 25th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

First the bad news – The Dark Knight lost over half of its audience at the weekend box office compared to last week.

Now the slightly better news – that still meant that The Dark Knight pulled in $75 million in sales this weekend, over $45 million more than its next best rival. Clearly, The Dark Knight is something of a weekend box office phenomenon.

So what can a forthcoming film – say, Vicky Christina Barcelona – do to match The Dark Knight‘s weekend box office success? Easy – have Penelope Cruz killed by an accidental overdose and then convince Woody Allen to beat up his own mother a day after it opens. Also, if they could make the film inordinately long and so morally heavyhanded that it may as well be delivered by a wild-eyed redneck preacher, that’d be great too.

Weekend Box Office: The Dark Knight Now Roughly Bigger Than Jesus

March 25th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

Here’s some hardly very surprising news – The Dark Knight is the number one movie at the weekend box office this week.

More than that, though, The Dark Knight is the biggest-ever movie at the number one box office – to the tune of $155 million. That’s even more than Spider-Man 3 managed. The Dark Knight better than a film about Kirsten Dunst doing a dance about some eggs? Wow, that is good.

What’s more impressive is that The Dark Knight managed to be the best ever movie at the US weekend box office even though it’s an overlong pitch-black morality tale made notorious by the death of one of its stars. That means that The Dark Knight is also the most depressing box office megahit since at least Big Momma’s House 2 came out.

Hellboy II Tops Weekend Box Office (Insert Tired Wisecrack Here)

March 25th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

Films about scaly, bright-red, middle-aged, barely-human creatures have been huge this year – just look at Sex And The City.

And now, adding to the list, is Hellboy II: The Golden Army – this week’s number one weekend box office movie. And Hellboy II should be proud of its achievements, too, because it managed to out-box office that film about lots of little Eddie Murphys living inside a big Eddie Murphy head. That’s impressive!

Actually, we’ll come clean and admit that we don’t know why so many people went to see Hellboy II: The Golden Army. We’re guessing that it’s because one of Bros is in it. Bros are still big, right?

Hancock Pushes Weekend Box Office’s Head Up A Man’s Bum

March 25th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

Will Smith just can't do anything wrong, can he? People always see his movies, even when they're critically-mauled, about boozed-up supermen and have silly endings.

Exhibit A: Hancock is number one in the US weekend box office. And, considering that Hancock's a movie which contains a scene about one man physically pushing another man's head into a third man's rectum, that's actually quite impressive.

Hancock's weekend box office success just furthers his incredible run of movies that are wildly popular despite not being especially great – I Am Legend, The Pursuit Of Happyness, Hitch, I, Robot, Men in Black II, Bad Boys II. A couple more of these babies under his belt and he might even beat the record currently held by Adam Sandler.

The Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian, Weekend Box Office, Meh

March 25th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

It’s the summer! And the summer means giant, all-conquering weekend box office monoliths, right?

Well, not really. In fact, the way things are shaping up, 2008 might just be the summer of hopelessly underperforming would-be blockbusters. Let’s hope so, because that’d amuse us a bit more.

Why all the doom and gloom? Because The Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian, this summer’s third blockbuster and the sequel to the huge The Lion, The Witch And The Wardrobe, has topped the weekend box office with a disappointing gross about $20 million shy of expectations. Indiana Jones, you’re next.

Britney Spears & Mel Gibson Go Wild In Costa Rica Together

March 25th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

Travel advice now for Jewish, crotch-repulsed drivers headed to Costa Rica this weekend – don’t go!

Don’t go! We’re not messing around! If you go to Costa Rica this weekend, you’re in for a really terrible time. We’re not joking. Because joining you in Costa Rica will be notorious hell-raisers Britney Spears and Mel Gibson. And people – Britney Spears and Mel Gibson have gone to Costa Rica… together!

But one crumb of comfort should be taken in the fact that Britney Spears and Mel Gibson haven’t gone to Costa Rica for a romantic getaway. Because, seriously, if Britney’s berserk, bipolar, approval-starved genes got mixed up with Mel’s angry, alcoholic, racially-suspicious, hardline religious genes to create a new life, well, we’ll have found that life-long malevolent global oppressor we’ve been dreading.